Every Day is an Atheist Holiday!: More Magical Tales from the Author of God, No! (13 page)

John F. Kennedy had to alibi his Catholicism; Rick Santorum just uses the magic word “Christian,” and it goes away. Rick Santorum brings his religion into everything. I think he’s deeply wrong, but I have no problem with him being a believer running for public office. All his talk of god will get his core followers fully hard and wet (and we can hope dripping some santorum out of their assholes), and with the word “Christian” it doesn’t lose as many people as “Catholic” alone would. Now let’s watch Mitt Romney as he works on trying to get the magic-underwear-wearing, the-Garden-of-Eden-was-in-North-America Mormons considered part of that “Christian” magic word.

If I make all my deadlines, our president might still be Barack Obama. If you search on the Web for Obama’s religion (and ignore the stupid Muslim shit), you’ll find he is Christian. He goes right to the magic word, and stays there. He names no specific cult ever. He no longer belongs to Trinity United Church of Christ, but our magic word saved him there. Trinity Church describes itself, on its website like this: “We are a congregation which is Unashamedly Black and Unapologetically Christian . . . Our roots in the Black religious experience and tradition are deep, lasting, and permanent. We are an African people, and remain ‘true to our native land,’ the mother continent, the cradle of civilization. God has superintended our pilgrimage through the days of slavery, the days of segregation, and the long night of racism. It is God who gives us the strength and courage to continuously address injustice as a people, and as a congregation. We constantly affirm our trust in God through cultural expression of a Black worship service and ministries which address the Black Community.” If Obama had run as a Trinity Church believer, he would have had a lot of explaining to do, but being “Christian” solved everything.

Again we have the Clinton cynic problem. If we see Obama as a Trinity Church believer, he’s as bugnutty as Sarah Palin, but my friends don’t see him as a believer, not even a Christian. They see him belonging to a church and saying he’s Christian so he could get elected. Many people have said to me that Obama claims religion because otherwise an African-American liberal would never have a chance of being elected. If he didn’t call himself a Christian and talk about praying in the White House, he would be painted as a Muslim and have no defense. You and I know, as the condescending argument goes, that an atheist is further from being Muslim than a Christian, but Americans don’t know that. The argument says that Americans could never understand that not believing in god means not believing in a Muslim god. Yeah, fuck you, if Americans can program in machine code and understand “icing” in hockey, they can understand this. I’ve had many liberal friends (are they really friends?) defend Obama by calling him a liar. They have made this unilateral secret deal with Obama that Obama will say he’s Christian to get elected and then he will govern as an atheist. Obama doesn’t have to wink when he says he’s Christian; these liberals just know. It’s supernatural. These people might be right, but it doesn’t make Obama a hero to me. I’m way more against lying than I am against Christians.

It’s not hard to picture Obama in that kind of cynical deal. When he won his Nobel Peace Prize, he felt he had to address the fact that he had sent more soldiers overseas to kill and die than all the other Peace Prize winners put together. Alfred Nobel wrote that the person who won the Peace Prize “shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.” I don’t know who that would be, but it’s demonstratively not Obama.

Obama’s speech got a laugh at the top referring to this controversy. He worked a laugh out of the crowd by pointing out that a guy running a couple wars had won the prize. I believe that anything can be funny—there are funny AIDS jokes—but this one rubbed me the wrong way. He then addresses Martin Luther King’s winning of the same prize:

“We must begin by acknowledging the hard truth: We will not eradicate violent conflict in our lifetimes. There will be times when nations—acting individually or in concert—will find the use of force not only necessary but morally justified.

“I make this statement mindful of what Martin Luther King Jr. said in this same ceremony years ago: ‘Violence never brings permanent peace. It solves no social problem: it merely creates new and more complicated ones.’ As someone who stands here as a direct consequence of Dr. King’s life work, I am living testimony to the moral force of non-violence. I know there’s nothing weak—nothing passive—nothing naïve—in the creed and lives of Gandhi and King.”

Man, that’s some great speechwriting and Obama sure can deliver, but then I wanted him to say “. . . so I will be bringing all our troops home and we will stop dying and killing people for ideas we don’t understand.” But he didn’t say that.

He said, “But as a head of state sworn to protect and defend my nation, I cannot be guided by their examples alone. I face the world as it is, and cannot stand idle in the face of threats to the American people. For make no mistake: Evil does exist in the world. A non-violent movement could not have halted Hitler’s armies. Negotiations cannot convince al Qaeda’s leaders to lay down their arms. To say that force may sometimes be necessary is not a call to cynicism—it is a recognition of history; the imperfections of man and the limits of reason.”

Evil is strictly a religious concept. That word does not appear in the “I Have a Dream” speech. Not once. It’s not found. You would think that Martin Luther King Jr. had seen some evil in his day, but in his speech, he doesn’t use the word. He keeps it secular. People can be wrong, cruel, ignorant, and horrible, but there’s no separate evil driving some of us. We are all people and our mistakes are our own.

Obama finishes up his sweet spin with this: “The non-violence practiced by men like Gandhi and King may not have been practical or possible in every circumstance, but the love that they preached—their fundamental faith in human progress—that must always be the North Star that guides us on our journey.” I guess it’s good that he doesn’t dismiss them, but that sure feels like a pat on the head to a couple of sweet nutjobs, and not real respect. I don’t question that Obama has real and pure respect for Gandhi and King (and the other men like them who are, um, give me a moment, um . . .), but I wouldn’t be that quick to say that I had all their thinking covered and I was ready to move on to using violence.

Similar to the secret deal that some of my friends have with Obama—that they’ll know he’s really atheist when he says he’s religious—is the deal that peaceniks have with presidents they like. Bush was killing people overseas because he was evil and wanted to; Obama is doing it because he’s good but he has to. That’s the thinking: when a president is sworn into office, the military shows him shit that they keep secret and that changes his whole worldview. There’s heavy, secret shit that justifies war that the public could never handle. If this were true, there would be no reason to ever vote on an issue. There’s no reason to ever have a public debate. We want our benevolent despot. We vote for the best-looking president who we trust, and then let him do what he wants because we can’t handle the truth.

I don’t buy any of this. I think King did a pretty fucking good job of speaking truth to power and he did it non-violently without lying and secret deals. I think he was a real hero. He was not just a Christian, but a Baptist, yet he trusted me, an atheist, to care about his cause and join together with him. I didn’t actually join with him at the time, but I like to think that’s because I was eight years old.

Atheists are growing way, way fast. The end of the twentieth century, atheists were under 2 percent, probably lower when King gave his speech. That number got to 8 percent in the twenty-first century, after the faith-based initiative of September 11, 2001. If you throw in self-labeled “agnostics” and “not religious” some people have gotten the atheist/agnostic/humanist/secularist/freethinking cult numbers up to around 20 percent. Evangelicals are about 26 percent, Catholics about 23 percent, Jewish, 1.7 percent, Mormons also 1.7 percent—if you start breaking these “Christians” up into their smaller groups, non-believers get close to being the dominant “religion” if you can call no religion a religion like not collecting stamps is a hobby.

The March on Washington was important and MLK needed everyone. He ends the speech by saying that “
all
of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics” should join in singing “Free at last!” I guess my argument breaks down here. Dr King doesn’t mention atheists, and you could argue that he didn’t mean to include atheists. I guess if there’s one thing we’re not, it’s god’s children. But I’m not sure Martin Luther King would see it that way. I feel, listening to and reading this speech, that he would have included me in the list of god’s children even though I’m not. I can’t argue that it’s not exclusive, but it doesn’t feel that way.

I hope that our politicians will learn from Dr. Martin Luther King and keep expanding the group of people they want to serve until we move the next little step from “Christian” being the magic word to the real magic political word: “American.” Then let’s go a step further and make the magic word “humanity.”

Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty we are free at last.

Let freedom ring in the human heart.

Listening to: “Free at Last”
—
Al Green

GROUNDHOG DAY

THE MOVIE
GROUNDHOG DAY
POSTULATES
perhaps thousands of years’ worth of a single day, when Bill Murray’s character learns to live that one day the right way, and by extension his entire life. Bill’s character has to learn to get his heart right and learn to love. I don’t care much about that; I care that he learned to play piano and speak French and read a lot of books. I like time to get good at real things; the heart stuff is easy. And in reality, Murray, Harold Ramis, and the rest of the cast and crew making the movie had only a bunch of rewrites and a few takes to accomplish that idea.

Teller has been doing one trick called “Shadows” in our show for his entire professional career. We did a version at our first indoor stage show together, he did it in our Asparagus Valley Cultural Society show, and it’s been in most our live shows ever since. When Teller was a child, he had a dream where the cutting of an object’s shadow had the same effect on the real object. Teller used magic tricks to make others share that dream. On one level it’s a celebration of magical thinking: that the shadow, the idea, can affect the real thing. It’s voodoo. Teller is a magician who fights against magical thinking, but onstage, in fantasy, magical thinking is a beautiful dream. To the non-magical thinker, to the atheist, “Shadows” can be seen as being about art. Art is the representation of ideas that can change the real things, the shadows on the back of the cave wall that teach us about the real world. As writers and performers, we’re always trying to make others see our ideas, the images inside our heads. We’re trying to make others see our dreams, our hopes, and our fears. Maybe if we can all see more points of view, we can all learn. Art is the real magic.

It’s good, in this anthropic world where “good” is defined as anything we’ve found a way to live with, that magical thinking doesn’t work. We don’t have to be careful what we wish for, only what we work for. One of the big reliefs for the atheist is not having to worry about what to hope, wish, and pray for. Did I want to pray for my mother’s suffering to end? Did I want to hope for her death? I didn’t have to worry about that. I could hope one day that she’d live longer so I could talk to her, and wish the next day that she would die and not have to suffer her paralysis and physical loss any longer. My wishing and hoping were inert; I could let them run wild. I could use them as pure solace.

“Shadows” addresses this pretty idea directly in just a couple of minutes. Teller uses a stemmed rose in a vase with a light in front of it, casting a shadow on a screen. He cuts the shadow on the screen and the petals of the actual rose fall as though they had been cut. It’s probably the defining trick of our Penn & Teller career. I’m not onstage for it. Fuck you. I didn’t think it up, and . . . I don’t know how the trick is done.

I don’t know how a lot of the tricks in our show are done. We did one of our non-performance shows called
35 Years of Bullshit
(the number of years changes, but the Bullshit stays the same) with, I think, Stephen Fry, interviewing us onstage in London. For these appearances Teller talks and answers the questions. Teller is an engaging and articulate conversationalist, and when we do a “Teller will talk” show, I really don’t have much to do. People have heard me enough. They all want to hear Teller for a change. But during this appearance, I went off on a jag, talking about how the tricks are done. I was explaining a moment in the first trick we did on
Letterman
. In it, Teller tries to do a classic of magic, a card stab, and as part of the act I’m being such a dick that my hand gets in the way and the knife goes through my hand. Teller has the correct card impaled stigmata-like to my palm as the blood flows. We named the bit “Handstab” and that name stuck with us and our crew before we realized that naming the tricks mattered. Now we try to name tricks with names that don’t give away the big surprise endings. We learn slowly.

In London that evening, I was explaining how Teller switches the real knife for the fake knife and I load the blood into my palm with the right card. I had explained my part and I was explaining Teller’s part—the real knife has a hook on it and Teller hangs it on the back on his pants as his hand was coming up to meet mine with the fake knife. Teller spoke up and corrected me. We hadn’t done it with a hooked knife in years and years; we now used a magnet setup in his back pocket. I didn’t know. No one had mentioned to me that it changed, I never checked, I never noticed, and I never asked.

My lack of concern for how tricks are done is partly why Teller chose me as his performing partner in 1975. I had just gotten out of high school. I don’t like to use the word “graduated,” because my exit from high school was messy, but I got out. The teachers told me in high school that these school years were the best years of my life and I’d look back on them with fondness and regret that I didn’t enjoy them more. I never have. For the first few years that I was out of high school, while I was hitchhiking around, living on the streets and juggling for food, I used to take some of my scarce money and send a postcard to my principal and guidance counselor, with a picture of some exotic location and a message saying something about everything about the road being way better than high school. They needed to teach the children that the real world is wonderful. What’s the use of teaching preparation for regret?

After a few months of bumming around, I went to Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College in Florida. That was a couple of months. Clown College was the first time in my life that I worked hard. I was already a great juggler and I could ride a unicycle, but I learned tightwire walking, and back flips, and falls, and I was in remedial makeup.
Makeup
makeup. It was the first time I met really funny people. It was the first time I’d exercised and trained. It was the first time anyone had ever taught me something that I was interested in. It was the first time I’d ever seen people take comedy seriously.

I met Teller while I was in high school, but he was still teaching high school (different schools). I went into a stereo store in my hometown. I’d saved up my money from juggling and doing odd jobs, and I was going to buy a good stereo. The salesman was Wier Chrisemer. In a few years, I would form the Asparagus Valley Cultural Society with Wier and Teller. Teller is seven years older than me, and he’d graduated college while I was still in high school. I got to talking with Wier that day in the audio store. I told him I was a juggler and demonstrated in the shop with whatever was around. It’s not hard to get me to do tricks. He said maybe he could use me in his college classical music parody group called the Othmar Schoeck Memorial Society for the Preservation of Unusual and Disgusting Music. Wier asked if I could read music well enough to play bass drum on Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony while juggling, hitting the drum with the clubs. He had written comedy words to the symphony about eating and was going to have the vocalists served supper by the chorus, but he thought a little juggling would make it more absurd. I said I could read music well enough while juggling to do that. We started brainstorming on other ideas and he asked if I could juggle plungers and I said I could juggle anything I could hold that wasn’t attached. I told him I also rode a unicycle. He asked if I could ride in on a unicycle, juggling the plumbers’ helpers while he played Aram Khachaturian’s
Sabre Dance
on xylophone. Easy. Could he then stand against a board and have me throw the plungers around him and have them stick in a parody of a knife-throwing act? I said I had never done that, but I loved to practice and I would learn it for him. It took a stupid lot of practice, Vaseline on the plumbers’ helpers and a very smooth board, but I learned it. He was skeptical of bringing a high school student into his fancy tight-ass college comedy, so he assigned me
Watt
by Samuel Beckett (still one of my favorite books) to read. He told me to come back in a week when I picked up my turntable and tell him what was funny about the book to show I understood it, and if I impressed him, I could work for free at a time when I was already getting paid to do juggling shows. I had never met anyone with that advanced a sense of humor and I was thrilled. I worked and did the show. His friend from college, Teller, drove back up to Amherst College for the show and pretended to be blind and sold pencils out front while reciting poetry he’d written in Latin about the conception of Othmar Schoeck in the womb. After that show, Teller and I got to talking. We’ve never stopped. Bob Dylan talked, wrote and sang about hitchhiking and hopping trains, so I did it to be like him. But while he mostly talked, wrote and sang about it, I really did hop trains and hitchhike around. All over the country. I was homeless, with $500 sewn into my knapsack and a loving home I could go back to any time I chose. I called my mom and dad collect every day I was gone. I talked to my mom and dad every day that our lives overlapped. Either in person or on the phone. They supported me while I hitchhiked, hopped trains, and got all Woody Guthrie on America’s ass. I have a lot of stories from that time. The closer you come to death, the better the story. I have stories about great sex, but also stories about having guns pulled on me. I have a story about having a gun pulled on me and great sex in the same night (different people, of course). I told none of that to my mom and dad in the daily phone calls. Now that I have children, I consider my parents to be superhuman in their love of me. They loved me enough to let me live my life while they worried themselves sick. I don’t think I can possibly love my children that much, but I am trying.

I took a break from living on the streets to go to Clown College and then went to New York and practiced juggling a lot. I lived in an apartment with a girlfriend and Michael Moschen, MacArthur Genius juggler and my next-door neighbor from when we were children. He doesn’t like me saying this, but I taught Mike to juggle. Put that in your genius dance belt and pose. We lived together in the city, ate peanut butter and jelly, and practiced our juggling eight hours a day, six days a week. We just juggled. I knew Teller by then. He’d drive into the city from New Jersey and take me out to a real restaurant. I began to associate Teller with food.

During those great meals, we had a lot of long talks about art. Teller’s idea was that magic was essentially an intellectual art form. It was a hard case to make with the magic that was popular then. Teller contended that magic could have built-in irony and the collision of the visceral and the intellect at breakneck speed. All I want out of art and life is for my guts and my brains to collide. It’s the feeling of being on a roller coaster, my guts knowing I’m going to die and my brain explaining that if they killed too many people, the insurance rates would be too high. That’s magic. The audience knows that Teller cutting the shadow of that rose won’t make the real petals fall, but they do fall, motherfucker, they do fall.

One of the fucking clowns in my class in Florida, Jeff Siegel, still a good friend, started booking acts for the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. His idea was to bring in people who had a lot of experience street performing, and figured it was easier to put those people in tights than to teach a guy already in tights to be funny. I was hired to do my juggling street show with wooden balls and striped tights. I threw in a few “ye oldes” and we were done.

With a full stomach, I started to listen and I got excited about Teller’s ideas. When Jeff called a year later about the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, I asked him if I could bring a magician along. Jeff drove a hard bargain: I would have to take a big cut in my pay that Jeff could pay Teller. I said okay. I owed Teller some suppers.

Teller had been preoccupied with magic since he was a child. He put himself through Amherst College by doing magic shows at frat parties (and the diamond miners in Zimbabwe think they got it tough). When we first met, I watched Teller in a New Jersey library basement performing for about thirty people. He wasn’t doing “Shadows” then, but I watched him silently pluck one hundred needles out of an apple and swallow them with an audience member this close to him. He swallowed some thread and after that audience member gave him a full mouth examination with a dentist’s mirror and flashlight, Teller brought the shimmering needles back up all threaded. It was creepy, beautiful, classy, amazing, and all silent. It’s a trick he still does today.

I called up Teller and told him I had a magician gig for him. I asked him if he wanted to put together a street show and do it with me in Minnesota. We could get a car and drive out there together.

“When?”

“It starts in August.”

“Perfect!”

“And it goes through October.”

“Oh, I have to be back to teaching by then.”

I said, “Okay, I thought you were a magician, not a schoolteacher,” and I hung up. It probably wasn’t really that precise a conversation, but that’s the way it’s become over the years of telling it.

He called back a few hours later and said he’d take a leave of absence from teaching and do the gig. This was a really hard decision for Teller. He had just gotten tenure, and he was a great teacher. I can’t imagine a better teacher. While I was still in high school, I went to visit him and sat in on one of his high school Latin classes. He was getting New Jersey public school students excited about Latin. Beat that.

It was a conspiracy between the Viet Cong and the American military industrial complex that made Teller a teacher. He was the right age for Apocalypse Then. In the draft lottery he was number 3. Penn & Teller are very different from each other, but neither of us would do well in the military. “Bombs bursting in air, man, not my thing,” as Tony Bennett allegedly said. I was too tall to go in and too young to be drafted, but Teller with his number 3 was on his way to Saigon, shit. He got a school deferment to go to college and then a teaching deferment. My aboriginal American name for Teller is “Terrier-with-a-Slipper.” All our pluses are our minuses and Teller does not give up. His tenacity is infuriating, and I’ve built a very good life on it. He doesn’t give up. Was it hard for a guy with a classics degree to get a teaching job in a public school in the late sixties? Sure enough. Would you have bet against Teller doing it? You would have lost.