Ever So Madly (17 page)

“What is that?”

He broke it open so I could see flaky pastry and what looked like cooked fruit. I grabbed at it, and he lifted the thing over his head.

“Share.” I tugged at the sleeve of his flannel shirt. He really had played up the part.

He lowered it slowly and held it out. “Because some things are better done by hand.”

I tried to take it from his hand, but he shook his head, holding it to my lip. I looked him in the eyes as I took it with my mouth, brushing my lips over his fingers. We moaned in unison. The richly flavored spices assaulted my tongue, and he pulled me in for a kiss. He teased his tongue over my lips, mixing his flavor with that of the fruit.

I thanked the universe for his distraction, not wanting to talk about the things to come, and what it would mean for us. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pushing me back toward the sofa. Even the pastry was forgotten as he tugged me into his lap.

I gladly straddled him, sliding my knees down around his hips, settling into his lap. Our mouths never broke apart, nipping and sucking at one another. I forgot for a moment this wasn’t real. Mad pushed his hands under my shirt, breaking apart the kiss as he skimmed his fingers up my ribcage. I lifted my arms, locking our gaze.

“I want you,” I said.

I could see the hunger in his eye, but he hesitated.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Madden

I’d known she was off from the moment she walked in the door. I could feel it in her body. She was holding back. There was stress woven into her muscles. The delay this morning had been more than she let on.

I slid my hands from her shirt, letting them settle on her hips. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Nothing.” She shook her head, but I could feel her distance in every movement.

“You can’t hide your feelings from me. I can read you like a book, J.” I pulled her body closer to mine. She was tense. “What the hell happened this morning? Why were you late on your off day?”

“There was an attack on your outer base this morning.” She let out a long breath, going into a brief explanation, and I stared at her.

“I know nothing about this.”

She shook her head. “I doubt you will. They don’t like to tell the masses these kinds of things.”

I still couldn’t read her. It was like she’d closed off all emotion. It scared me.

“What’s changed? If you’re worried about me, I’ll be fine.” I felt even more helpless than I had before. I could feel something lingering under the surface, like her emotions were pent up behind a dam.

She put on what I knew was a fake smile and touched her lips to mine. “Those smell really good.”

It was a clear dismissal, in a way only a member of the great house could. There was no getting anything out of her until she wanted to tell. I decided to ignore it and try to enjoy her.

“You need to eat more, and I need to build the fire.”

“I thought we were doing warm this time.” She got off my lap and smiled again, but it was vacant. Most of her mind was elsewhere, and it hurt.

“Next time. I had to show you this place.” I put all my focus on the fire.

She walked over to the stove and picked up one of the mini fritters I’d made and took a tentative bite. She moaned softly. The sound went right through me, stirring my need for her. But I remembered how she’d acted about contact last time and swallowed back my desire. It was better to have any part of her than none at all.

I added another log to the fire and took a seat in front of it. I hadn’t been cold since I left Trenton. It was novel after the unrelenting heat of Harden. I almost wanted to let the cold seep into the cabin. J slid her fingers down my back as she took a seat next to me. She passed me one of the pastries and then laid her head on my lap.

“I was thinking hot chocolate and hot dogs for dinner.” I pushed my fingers into her hair.

She looked up at me. “What are hot dogs?”

“Peasant food.” I wiggled my brows at her. “Willing to try?”

“All right.”

I brushed her hair out of her face. “We can’t keep doing this. You’re stressed when you’re here. Talk to me.”

“It worries me to think I’ll never love someone as much as I love you, and I can’t have you.” Her words didn’t break my heart. They shattered it into so many pieces I doubted it could be repaired.

“Don’t say that,” I whispered. “Saying it makes it too real. We have to find a way.”

She buried her face in my chest, and I dropped mine to press my nose into her hair.

“How can you believe that?” she asked at length.

“It’s the only thing I have to hold on to.” I nodded leaning into her touch like I craved it. I did crave it. “I love you. Across a million miles, and thousands of worlds, I will never feel like this again.”

“And I love you, like I have never loved anyone before. I can’t lose you.” Hearing her say those words filled me with hope. It was nourishment for my soul. It gave me hope, and hope was all we had.

She took a shaky breath, and I tightened my arms around her. We held each other in silence for a long time as the weight of what we’d just said crushed my soul. I had to find a way. It had been an impossible situation before I knew she returned my feelings, and now that I knew, I would sell my sanity and my life to get back to her.

“What did you have to go through to get here tonight?” she whispered into my chest.

I knew she was desperate to change the subject, and I thought I knew why. I chewed the inside of my cheek, and my eyes went vacant. In truth I had clawed my way through the darkest parts of my mind to get here, worse than the first time, but I wouldn’t tell her. I feared she wouldn’t come back if she knew how much it hurt to get to her. How much I really had to face myself and open up to give her a piece of me.

“Are you going to tell me what you’ve been hiding all morning?”

She growled. “Don’t answer a question with a question.”

I knew she was tense, but it was hard not to return the attitude. “I didn’t think so.”

“Tell me, you wouldn’t last time.”

I lay back, taking her down to the rug with me. “It was bees tonight. Bees and then, God, you’ll love this! I stepped into the matrix, and right onto a crack in the sidewalk, snapping my ankle. There was no treatment, no painkillers. I had to crawl through these fields of bee infested flowers…”

Her eyes fell closed, and she curled into me as I spoke. I told her almost everything, except the very end. Being buried alive and having to try to claw out of a too-small wood box was not something I wanted to share with anyone. Most would have turned and fled at the idea of a battle with their minds to get to her.

When I trailed off she looked up. “Don’t stop, I like listening to your voice.”

I rolled my eyes. “You accent whore. You can play the recordings of my voice any time you want.”

“Doesn’t mean I get sick of it.” She purred, not denying it.

I turned to face her. “You’re scaring me.”

“I’m trying to enjoy this. Don’t make me talk.”

I clenched my hands into fists and growled.

“Sometimes I feel like you’re a figment of my imagination.” She dropped her face refusing to look me in the eyes. “A cruel trick played by the universe.”

My face fell. I couldn’t help it. I tried to be strong for both of us, but sometimes it was near impossible. Her doubt was another burden I bore whether she saw it or not. “Feel me. I am real.” I moved her hands to my face and kissed one palm.

“But this isn’t real. You are thousands of light years away.” She dropped her forehead to my chin and exhaled a shuddering breath. She was good at masking her feelings, but it hadn’t taken me long to work out her cues.

“I am real. What more can I do to prove it to you?” I stroked my finger through her hair, doing anything I could to let her know I was real.

“Nothing. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.”

Her words cut my chest open like a knife, but she was right. All of this was based on faith in another person, which was close to impossible.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” I brushed my fingers down her spine.

She gripped on to my shirt. Why did something so amazing have to cause so much pain? The universe wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. How cruel to meet your other half and it be impossible to be with them. She wasn’t even half of me, she was all of me. I was an empty vessel without her.

“If two people are meant to be together they will find a way. They’ll find a way to cross the universe and be with each other.”

“How can you really believe that?” she whispered pressing her eyes closed.

“It’s the only thing I have to hold onto,” I said using my thumb to brush a tear from her lashes. I turned back to her. “Listen to me. I love you, and I’m going to try and make this work as long as it’s possible, but you need to have a little faith in me. I can’t give you a happily ever after. But I’m going to give you everything I have.”

She took in a shaky breath. “Okay. I’m bad at opening myself up, but I’m trying.” She dropped her face to my neck. “I told you how I feel.”

I pushed my fingers into the hair at the back of her head. “You scare me when you’re like this. Please tell me what’s going on.”

She fisted her hands in my shirt.

“Please…”

“They’ve moved up my coronation because of what’s happened. I’m of age next week, which means he can announce me as the heir to his Barony and band me, so he can marry me off to get rid of me.” Her voice was barely audible, but the words echoed in my mind like she’d screamed them.

“To him?” I kept the emotion out of my voice. She wouldn’t have an ounce of power until her father died, and if she was married off she would have to play by her husband’s rules.

“I don’t know, but they’ve moved it up to next week. We leave for the winter palace soon…” Her voice was cold, void of emotion. There was more she wasn’t telling me.

I knew what she wasn’t saying. It hung between us. “Say it.”

“He’s escorting me as the Emperor’s representative.”

I fought the moisture that pulled in my eyes. “So, a coronation and engagement celebration all rolled into one, and you’ll only be light years from me to boot.”

She picked up her head, and I could see the pain in her eyes. “How do you know where the winter palace is?”

“You don’t think everyone on Harden knows where our overlords watch us from?” I laughed without humor.

She pressed her face back into my neck. We sat holding each other as snow started to fall outside my window. The fire burned low, and the chill through the walls started to encroach on us. I knew I would have to get up to build it back soon, but I felt like if I let her go she would vanish. Her words echoed in my mind, “Every day you put it off is another day wasted.” I regretted every wasted minute. They rested like a weight on my shoulders. I’d squandered half of what we had with fear. I would never get that time with her back. I swallowed past the lump in my throat. It was a lesson I would take to my grave.

The words my father had said before his death came to mind and finally made sense, “At the end, when you’re laying where I am, you’ll only regret the chances you didn’t take and the wasted opportunities. Don’t forget that.” I’d taken some chances, but most I’d wasted out of fear. The most important one I’d fucking blown. There was going to be nothing left when she was gone. Nothing. Darkness seeped into my mind, filling every crevasse. I couldn’t let it win while she was still here.

I took a slow breath. “It’s going to get harder to see each other, isn’t it?”

She nodded into my neck. “We should talk about this.”

“What?” I asked feeling like I was losing her, no matter what she said.

“You’re here now, but our schedules are opposite. Would it be easier just to end it now before…” She trailed off.

I cupped both sides of her face, forcing her to look at me. “You think it’s going to be any less painful now?” I scoffed, rubbing my thumbs over her cheekbones. “I don’t know about you, but there is no going back for me.”

I knew she felt the same. Damn it, I could feel it.

“I know.” She pressed her eyes closed. “I’m trying to make it easier for you.”

“Make what easier?” I tightened my grip on her face when she tried to pull away. “You think pretending you don’t have feelings will make things easier?”

“I just want to turn them all off.” Her words were laced with sorrow.

She looked down, not answering. I felt it coming. My gut told me she was going to end things. It was too hard for her. I knew me and my fucked up head were too much work for her. Her life would be so much easier without me.

“If you’re done, Jocelynn, just say it.” I let the edge show in my voice.

Her eyes flashed back up to mine. “I want this. I wouldn’t have just told you I love you if I was done. I was trying to give you an out if you need it. Why do you doubt me?”

I sighed, letting my hands fall from her face. “I doubt me.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” she whispered laying her forehead against mine.

“I don’t deserve you, and I’m waiting for you to realize.” I mirrored her tone rubbing my nose over hers. “I’m … I’m nothing. You’re strong and have so much coming to you.” I shook my head when she tried to turn my face to hers. “I know you see it, Jocelynn, so if you’re done tell me. Don’t draw it out.”

She growled, grabbing me by both ears to turn my face into hers. “You’re a real fucking idiot, you know that?”

“What? I pour my heart out, and you can’t even wait to tell me I’m an idiot until I’m finished?”

“I don’t want this to be over, but I’m trying to spare your feelings. You think I want to be with him?” Her blue eyes blazed.

“I think every female in the universe wants him. I don’t compare.” My mouth was dry.

“But I am here with you, avoiding him. I’d choose you every time. I’d give up everything I am to be there with you. It’s not even a choice.”

“You’re right. It’s so hard to see straight with my emotions.” I rested my forehead against hers. “We’ve gotten pretty good at good-byes. No more. We’ll hold on as long as we can.”

“Okay.”

I tightened my grip on her. “I want to enjoy this. As long as we have here today, and every time from here out … if you can make it back. Promise me no sadness.”

“I promise.” She wiped her face on my neck.