Ever So Madly (11 page)

Chapter Twenty-Five

Madden

Part of me knew she had to say what she did. But the tiny insecure part at the back of my mind told me I was never anything more than an itch she had to scratch. My mind tore at itself. She couldn’t make a scene, and my answers were cold, but it was all I had left. I turned my back so I didn’t have to see her being dragged out of my life. When the door clicked closed I picked up the nearest thing I could grab and threw it. Despair blackened my thoughts as I tore apart the room.

I came to myself on my knees in the middle of the room. The faint morning light peeked through the window coverings. My knuckles hurt, and I had blood caked around my fingernails. I sank back to a seat. I’d had my grief, and now I had to make sure it didn’t affect the rest of my life. I was here for a reason. I came here because I hated my life on Harden, and I thought making something of myself would replace the seed of unhappiness I carried in the back of my mind. But only she had made me forget it existed on the darkest nights.

I cleaned myself off, wiping away the worst of the blood. I had to be at class in under an hour, and the walk there itself would take me thirty. I dressed in worn clothes and shoved papers in my bag. I hadn’t done the homework, expecting to have started it after J passed out on me. She always fell asleep after the midnight hour, and it was easy for me to work long into the night and then sleep late. But I would never have her sleeping in my lap again. I grabbed a hat and shoved it down on my head and walked out the door. I missed Colton. I needed someone to vent to. Fishing around in my bag, I dug out my communicator. Since coming here I had been horrible about keeping in touch. I would be lucky if he replied. I couldn’t remember the time conversion between the two planets, and for all I knew he would be sleeping or in the mines where he wouldn’t have any signal.

M: Hey.

I sent the message without a second thought as I ducked into class.

I slid into my usual seat, and my eyes instantly scanned the room for her. In a room of four hundred people it took me less than ten seconds to find her. She had chosen a different seat with her brother. I expected to see the mask she wore so easily, the one I had to work to get behind, but it wasn’t there. Her eyes were ringed with red, and her normally perfect makeup was smudged. I pressed a hand into my chest. The sight should have made me feel better, but I hated seeing her in pain. I slammed my head back against the rest, determined to get through this lecture without focusing on her.

It didn’t work. By the time the professor called time, my notebook was blank, and my head was full. My thoughts were dark and only grew worse. I had just enough time to duck back to my room before the afternoon lecture. My stomach had turned, and I wouldn’t eat, but I walked to stretch my legs.

My comm buzzed, and I pulled it out of my pocket, hoping to see a message from her, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. She would be stupid to contact me so easily.

The message was from Colton.

Colton: Hey, man, long time. You doing okay?

M: Not really, call me later?

I replied quickly, waving through the swarm of students as I typed.

Colton: Yeah, might be the middle of the night your time. I’m just heading into the mines for the day.

His responses were almost instant. It was a weird feeling getting a message back like we lived two clicks away when in reality we were across the universe, and the message was nothing more than a blip of information.

M: Wake me up.

Colton: Will do.

I closed my communicator, but it pinged again.

Colton: Chin up, bro. You’re making something of yourself.

I didn’t reply and carried on getting my keys out. When I looked up, she was standing there. Her face was splotchy, and her eyes were bloodshot. Jacob wasn’t in sight, but I knew he wouldn’t be far off. At times I felt like he was her guard dog.

She didn’t come to me as I approached, and I didn’t move to touch her.

“Hey.” Her red lips were cracked.

“Jocelynn…” There weren’t words for how this felt. If I’d doubted last night how much pain she was in, I couldn’t now.

“I had to see you again.” She tucked her hair behind her ears.

“How did you even get here?”

“Jacob is covering for me.” She stepped closer to me so I could feel the heat radiating off of her. “This is all my fault.” She dropped her face to my chest, and I wrapped my arms around her shoulders.

“No, I didn’t have to do it. I was trying to be better for you.” I blew out a breath, and kissed her forehead.

She looked up at me, and I melted. All the anger I’d felt at getting my place revoked morphed into utter despair at the thought of leaving her. Everything I had believed about soul mates crumbled as I lowered my mouth to hers. Her silky lips parted as they touched mine, and our warm tongues teased together. I crushed my arms around her as I deepened the kiss, suddenly needing more from her. Her back arched as she pressed into me. A universe so cruel it separates you from your other half the moment you find her, forced all hope of happily ever after from my mind.

She pulled back, rubbing her nose over mine. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s me, not you.” I pushed back the hair that had fallen in her face. “I have these issues, and you were trying to help. It’s not your fault.”

The sorrow behind her eyes told me she wouldn’t believe me.

I dropped my bag and grabbed her by the arm, forcing her body to mine so I could wrap her up in a hug. I lifted her tiny frame off her feet. She pressed her face into my neck and slid her arms around me. We held each other, forgetting the universe existed or anything else mattered. I tightened my grip when she pulled back, feeling like the moment I let go she would vanish.

“I’m going to be late for class.” She pulled back to look me in the eyes.

I melted into her gaze, but I didn’t let her down. I shoved the key, still in my hand, into the door and stalked to my bed, tossing her down. Climbing in after her, I covered her body with mine. She pushed her hands into my hair, forcing my head up.

“You’re incorrigible.”

I nodded, sticking out my lower lip. “Fake sick with me?”

The corner of her mouth turned up at she smiled a little. “I have half an hour, but then I have to go. If I miss any more meetings of state…” she trailed off.

“I know. I never expected to see you again.” I couldn’t look at her. I pressed my face into her chest.

She yanked my hair hard. “This isn’t an itch for me.”

“Are you sure?”

Her gaze was hard. “I’m sure.”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “It’s more for me, too.”

“I know because of the way you look at me.” She released my hair and playfully smacked my cheek. “Please believe it when I say this is real for me, too.”

“It’s hard for me to believe anyone can feel that way about me.” I’d felt it as long as I could remember, and it wasn’t easy to look her in the eyes and say it.

“Then I’ll prove it to you every day.” She rubbed her thumb over my cheekbone.

I turned my face to kiss her palm. “You can’t.”

“I will. Trust me.” She brushed her lips over mine looking right at me.

I parted mine, teasing my tongue over the seam of her lips. “You taste good,” I murmured.

“I don’t know why.” She laughed, letting her lids fall shut as she tilted her head to deepen the kiss.

My hands roamed her body, needing to touch every inch of her in a primal possessive way. She clawed her nails down my shoulder, and the pain soothed my mind, forcing me to focus on the contact and none of the anguish. I rolled us, coming up half on top of her. I rubbed my scruff over her neck, skimming my tongue over her skin to get a taste.

There was a light knock on the door, and she broke the kiss. “That’s Jacob. He was keeping eye out. I have to go.”

I sat back on my heels and looked down at her. “What are we going to do?”

She got up on her knees and pressed her body to mine. “We will figure it out. This is not the end.”

I wound my arms around her again and whispered into her hair, “Thank you.”

A crease formed in the center of her brow. “For what?”

“Coming back when I acted like a dick yesterday.”

“I couldn’t not.” She smiled and took another kiss before detangling our bodies. “I’m sorry I had to say what I did in front of the Baroness.”

I nodded.

“We’ll talk later.” She glanced back then slipped out the door.

Knowing I would be late and not caring, I picked up my bag and left behind her. I ducked my head as I walked down the corridor and out the door at the end of the hall. I looked up and almost ran into two men standing there.

Before I could gather what was going on, one of them punched me in the temple. I sank to my knees, my vision blacking for a minute. A bag went over my head. One of them jumped on my back, shoving me to the ground, and my hands were forced behind my back and bound. The other man kicked me repeatedly, and all the air went out of my lungs.

Blackness took over.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Madden

I came round to the sound of thrusters. My head throbbed, and I was thankful for the dim light when I opened my eyes. I blinked a few times trying to get them to focus. A bottle of water was shoved in front of my face, and I looked over at the man holding it out to me. He had a full red beard and deep wrinkles in a young face. His clothes were crumpled and his hair matted like he’d been sleeping against it.

“I was starting to think you’d never wake up,” he said in a deep familiar voice I would have placed to a logger from the seven moons of Vega.

But what would he be doing on Trenton? It all came back to me in a rush. I stiffened and looked around, finding I was shoved in the last seat in a transporter with a harness loosely strapped around me.

“Where am I?” I asked the man.

“On your way back to Harden. Now drink up, yer gonna need it.”

I ignored the bottle, stomach dropping to mingle around my intestines. I glanced at my wrist. My communicator was there, and I punched it on and saw I had no signal. “How the fuck can we jump across universes in the blink of an eye but can’t keep a communicator signal?” I said to myself.

“We are in transition behind the asteroid belt. You won’t have shit until we land.”

It had been a whole day. She would know I was gone. My chest was tight, and I couldn’t breathe. I would never see her again. I would never hold her in my arms again. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes.

“Take the water and stop being an idiot.” He turned toward me, and a tiny silver star pinned to his collar caught my eye. I knew I’d heard the voice before.

“Following me back to Harden?” I scoffed. What could I be to the Red Stars now that I’d been kicked out of the program?

“Friends aid friends.” He shoved the water in my face again, and I took it.

I drank down half the contents, and my headache eased. I hadn’t realized how thirsty I’d been. Finishing the bottle, I offered it back, and he waved it off.

“What aid could I need now?” I blew out a breath and laid my head back against the seat. I’d blown it all for a woman, and I would do it all again.

My heart ached. There wasn’t just a piece missing. The whole damn thing had been ripped from my chest, leaving a black hole in its wake.

“You threw away the chance of three generations to be with a girl.” He lowered his voice. “I’m guessing you want my help in seeing her again.”

My mouth fell open, and I stared at him.

“I thought it might get your attention.” He glanced around then leaned in, still speaking softly. “We are willing to help you, our brother.”

I knew I couldn’t say no if there was a way, but I bit my tongue, forcing myself to think through it rationally when I wanted to scream yes, I’d do anything. “What’s the catch?”

“As with the rest of the brotherhood, when we call on you to do something for us, you will do it.” He licked over his cracked lips, not wavering.

“So you people want me indebted to you?” My heart pounded in my chest, and I thought he could hear it over the rumble of the engines.

“Not at all. We want to use you to further our cause of course, but you have a say in the matter. We’ve found through the last century forcing our agenda will only leave us in ruin. When we have loyal supporters who will do anything for their brothers, that’s when we can affect real change, and we already have, Madden.” His voice was smooth, urging me into a false sense of security.

“I want the details.” I looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, but the few people on the transport were snoring.

He reached into the inside of his jacket, and when his hand reappeared he held the spider looking thing I’d used before. The weld marks were showing, which told me this wasn’t some factory made device. It was homemade somewhere. “It’s as easy as this and some minor set up. You’ve already seen how it can work.”

I held out my hand for it, and he dropped it into my palm. I picked it up to examine it. “Tell me how?”

His hand disappeared again. “Combined with this.” He now held up a tiny silver microchip. “Program it right and you can be anywhere, with her, you want.”

My mouth went dry. “How do I know this is at all safe?”

“Since our own council uses them, as we couldn’t be traveling all over drawing Empirical attention, we needed a way to have private meetings outside the scope of the Emperor on the nets. This is what we use smart guys like you for. They figure out a different way. Did you find it safe yourself?”

“Why would you share tech like this with me? It could mean your head if it falls into the wrong hands?” Jocelynn was in my grasp, but it sounded too good to be true. “That disk has got to be worth more than my life.”

“One, because this one can’t be linked back to us, and two, because, like I said, we need guys like you on our side. You know the reason you can’t be with the woman you love is because of the classes and how they keep your planet as a basic slave world.” He dropped the device into my hand. “Use your head. You gave the Baron a key to get around our raids. We can’t risk letting his side exploit you. We gain nothing by hurting you.”

He was right. They’d wanted me all along, and this just appeared to be an extra incentive to what I would have done anyway after the Baron had me deported. One thing struck home. I was worth more than I’d realized, and I had to use it to my advantage.

“How do I get it to her?” I closed my hand around it.

“We’ll take care of it. Just broach the subject, and we’ll get it into her suite.”

Both my brows rose. “You have that kind of reach?”

“You have no idea.” A crooked smile formed on his lips, showing off two silver teeth in his smile.

“Thanks.” My heart wouldn’t slow down. I wanted to get off this damn spacecraft and talk to her. Apologize and then see her.

“There are a few things you need to know.”

My eyes darted back to his. I knew it. “Go on.”

“Hosting the program isn’t easy. Because of the way we had to work it into the neuro receptors, there are a few things we are still trying to work out.” He kept his voice calm.

I growled. “If it’s dangerous, I won’t let her do it.”

“It won’t be as bad for her. Since the program uses your subconscious you will have to deal with the brunt of it. You already knew all of this.” I couldn’t read anything in his eyes. They were just as hard laying out the facts.

“That’s why he was in pain?”

“Yes.” He exhaled slowly before answering. The first real sign he gave me. “Our subconscious minds work out our fears and worries for us. Because we tap into it to from a matrix into the network, you have to fight through your own mind to make contact to the world we’ve created.”

I stared at him not quite understanding. It was more, or different than I expected. “Fight my own mind, what the hell?”

“To get to the world, one or both of you can write the program for the starter, which will be you. You will have to fight through your worst fears to make the connection. She’ll have some mild discomfort of facing a much shorter challenge, but you will carry the brunt of it,” he said. “There will also be a point where your mind will reject the program and kick you out. When it’s used too much this will happen more frequently, and it’s dangerous to use again before a forty-eight hour time period.”

I swallowed hard. My worst enemy was already my mind. “Dangerous how?”

“You can reject it for good, or your mind could become damaged if you try to force yourself back in too soon. When all the rules I’ve given you are followed, there are minimal risks. Like I said, our highest council has used the program regularly for the last five years.”

I nodded trying to take it all in. “How real is it?”

“You were there. You tell me.”

“I mean with her. I didn’t touch anymore while I was there.”

“You will think you’re really there. Your mind will be completely connected to the network. All input your brain will accept as real.”

I forced my face to remain blank.

He went on, “Every touch, every look, the whole program will seem real.”

“How can we write the program?” I wrung my hands.

“The information will be placed in your quarters before you return home this evening. With your mind you shouldn’t have trouble creating a reality for the two of you to enjoy.”

I was shocked at how fast they worked. “So, you assumed I would say yes, despite the pain involved?”

“If she means as much to you as you claim, nothing would keep you away.”

The ship dropped, and I knew we have broken through the atmosphere. I looked at him again, and he had turned away, pretending to be asleep.

I leaned forward pressing my forehead to the seat in front of me. If this worked I could at least see her. Touch her in my mind. It would have to be enough for now.