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Authors: Margot Livesey

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BOOK: Eva Moves the Furniture
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“Hush, hush,” said Anne ineffectually, to the three of us.
In all this confusion there was no time for questions. At last my sobs died down and I tried to appease you; Anne did the same for Robert. Only when we returned to the living room with tea and sandwiches to find it empty, did she ask what had become of my visitor.
“She had to go,” I said. “She left while you were getting Ruth from her room.” I bent to tie on your bib. My mind was racing, searching for a plausible explanation. Someone from the infirmary? No. Someone asking for directions? But a stranger wouldn't sit by the hearth. A friend of Lily's, that was it, who happened to be staying at the Fulford Inn.
While Anne poured us tea and busied herself with Robert, I invented Mrs. Watson, on her way to Blairgowrie. How long is she staying? Anne asked. Just tonight, I said. Oh, said Anne, that's a pity. She looked nice.
Thankfully, it was time for
Twenty Questions
on the wireless, and we could both pretend to listen.
 
 
Matthew was easy to deceive and Anne was intimidated by my subterfuges, but you knew neither deception nor intimidation. You could walk easily, and all through the summer you had complained whenever I picked you up. Now, as the days grew shorter, you demanded to be carried with increasing frequency. “Carry me,” you were saying, “not the pain.”
In early December, nearly a fortnight after Anne had seen the woman, she and I took Robert and you to play on the swing that hung from the cooper beech beside the Grange. As we trundled up with our prams, the sound of barking came from the house. “Dogs,” you said hopefully, but no dogs appeared.
The ground beneath the tree was thick with leaves. While Anne pushed Robert, you bent to examine them, and I remembered the churchyard in Troon, the dead leaves drifting over Barbara's grave. Next summer, I thought, we should go for a holiday. Lily would come too, and we could stay at the Bell and Bush, visit Ballintyre, and play on the beach.
Robert had soon had enough of the swing, but you clamoured for turn after turn. Finally I said, “I'm sorry, darling. I'm too tired.”
“I'll give you a turn,” said Anne.
Your lips quivered. “No. I want Mummy. I want a turn with Mummy.”
“What a silly girl you are.” In spite of the darkness that rose around me, I hoisted you onto the swing and pushed you back and forth until Anne called a halt. Before you could protest, she had you seated in the pram. We started up the hill towards home. As we
reached the California redwood, Anne said, “Eva, I don't mean to pry but are you all right?”
I steered the pram around a pothole left by the autumn rain. I could feel Anne watching me and I knew she saw what Matthew did not: how thin I'd grown, how pale. Since the afternoon she'd surprised me with the woman, there had been a wariness between us. Sadly, I thought she must attribute my odd behaviour to some failure of affection. Now, in an effort to recover our closeness, I told her about the appointment with Sir Hamilton.
“Oh, good,” she said. “At last you're being sensible. I can look after Ruth. You know I'm always happy to have her.”
That evening as I sang you to sleep, I wondered for the hundredth time why someone else had finally glimpsed a companion. Anne was a dear friend, but other dear friends—Isobel, Daphne, Samuel—had seen only empty air. I recalled my last meeting with Neal Cunningham. I could still picture his face, blackened with tannic acid, and the jovial smile of his companion as he bore Neal away, briskly, in a wheelchair, to his death.
I shivered, and at the same moment a tremor passed over you, like wind over a field. I reached down to stroke your back. I wanted to shield you from every harm and danger.
At night I waited until Matthew was asleep, then I slipped from our bed to pace the quiet rooms, hoping that fatigue would overcome pain. I longed for the opiates I had given to others, but why should I have drugs for an illness with no name? Often the woman came to share my vigils. She plied me with questions. Had you learned to sing “Away in a Manger”? Was Matthew still busy with exams? Would Lily come for Christmas? Had I heard that people were once again planning holidays in France? One night, when the pain was especially acute and frost flowered the windows, a feeling of recklessness came over me. “Why me?” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“Why do you visit me? Why do you take care of me?”
For a moment she looked dumbfounded, and I thought she would do what she always did in the face of awkward questions:
vanish. She stared down at her moss-green skirt, pleating the material back and forth between her fingers. “Do you remember how you used to think of us like a flash of colour or a note of music?”
“Blue and silver, D sharp and middle C.”
“Well, that's not far from the truth. Our natures can't be spoken, even by us. Why some of us come back and some do not, I don't know, anymore than you know why you usually overcook the potatoes.” She raised her eyes to mine. “I do know that only a few people can give us life, people who have lost someone at a young age. We cling to them.”
“And do I have a say?”
“Oh”—she leaned forward eagerly—“it all depends on you. When Samuel asked you to give us up, you could have.”
I sank down into the armchair. “So he was right.”
The woman nodded. “We behaved unfortunately. We knew you liked him, so we tried to help. Then it became apparent that Samuel was like a cuckoo; he wanted to push us out of the nest. But it all depended on you.”
I eyed her raptly, everything else forgotten. “And Matthew? You even took him to the shop to buy the ring.”
“Matthew is different. Besides, you wanted a child.”
So did you, I nearly added, but I hurried on. “The girl is Barbara's sister, Elizabeth. Who are you?”
“Marion Hanscombe. Your mother saved my son's life. When I helped you lift David from the river, I was doing no more than she had done.” She smiled. “And the man who came to cheer you up? You were right; that was Barbara's uncle Jack.”
“So why doesn't Barbara come? Why you three and not her?”
“I've wondered that too. Maybe she was missed so much, there
was no need for her to return. In a way, she never left.” Her smile faded. “You should get some rest.” Before I could reply, she was gone.
Alone in the empty room I glimpsed the last exit in a dark maze—the maze which I had all unwittingly entered, years before, beneath the red-currant bushes—and dreaded the illumination I might find. I padded down the corridor to kneel beside your bed. Everything else might be in question, but you, your sweet breath, was real. Suddenly I realised the pain had dipped below the horizon. I hurried back to bed and slept.
 
 
On the day of my appointment with Sir Hamilton, Anne insisted that I ask Matthew to drive me to Perth. I hated to alarm him, but I need not have worried. He fussed briefly and then, taking my word that it was a routine checkup, began to look forward to an afternoon in town. When we arrived at the infirmary he said, “Can I just drop you? I thought I might pop into Deucars to see his new books.”
On my last few visits I had bypassed the infirmary waiting room. Now I had ample time to take in the dingy decor: blackout blinds still hung in the windows, and on the wall was a LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS poster. A dozen other people were already gathered, and as I took my seat I studied them curiously. Beside me a dapper middle-aged couple—the man in a checked suit, the woman in a well-cut dress—were talking quietly. Next to them a man and a small boy with his arm in a sling read a comic. Near the door two women, sisters perhaps, were knitting. Everyone, except the boy, appeared to be in good health, and somehow this made me feel better—we all had hidden illnesses.
At last the nurse called my name. I followed her across the corridor into a consulting room. Sir Hamilton was seated at a table, with a small group of interns standing deferentially behind him. He was reading a file, mine I presumed, and all I could see was the crown of his head, white and bony through the thinning hair.
No one spoke. In the silence I found myself remembering Samuel and how good he had been at putting his patients at ease. Then Sir Hamilton raised his head and I felt the weight of his brisk scrutiny. “So, Mrs. Livingstone, you have a pain. I've read the reports of my colleagues and there's nothing very illuminating. Could you describe it for me?”
“I have a pain in the abdominal region. It fluctuates in intensity and seems unrelated to diet or exercise. Occasionally it causes nausea.
“Were you a nurse?”
“Yes, sir. Glasgow Infirmary 1939—45.”
“Good, good. I see Dr. Singer ordered some X rays. Why don't we start by taking a look at those?”
A nurse put two X rays up on the screen. Sir Hamilton and the doctors gathered round. From where I sat I could hear him, ticking off my organs. “I must say,” he said at last, “everything looks fine, but as you're here I may as well examine you.”
I went into the examination room and changed into a gown. For two pins I would have turned and fled, but I thought of Dr. Singer, who had worked hard to get me this appointment, and I thought of you. I lay down and waited. Presently Sir Hamilton came in, entourage at his heels. He lifted the gown and began to palpate me. “Does this hurt?” he asked. “Does this?”
I answered wearily. It all hurt, no one place more than another.
“Well, Mrs. Livingstone, you seem fit as a fiddle. I see in your file you date your illness to the birth of your child. Unfortunately many women do allow childbirth to turn them into hypochondriacs.”
Behind him the interns nodded, a jury echoing a judge. I remembered Daphne sneering at the private patients with their nerves and hernias. I remembered Sir William, the hospital ghost, taunting the young man with headaches. “I'm sorry,” I stammered. “Perhaps I have a touch of indigestion.”
But Sir Hamilton was already leaving the room. Only one of the interns lingered, a stocky young man whose white coat barely buttoned around him. “Have you always been this thin?” he asked.
“Just since my daughter was born.”
“These X rays don't show everything. Ask your doctor to get a complete set.” He hurried away.
In the waiting room, Matthew dropped the newspaper and stood to meet me. “Eva.” He put his hands on my shoulders. “Are you all right?”
Through my dress I felt his touch, warm and sure, and for a moment I wanted to throw myself into his arms. I had to swallow before I could repeat Sir Hamilton's verdict.
“Splendid,” he said. And suddenly, seeing his face break into a smile, I understood that my uncertain health had not entirely passed him by. He bent to kiss me.
Back at Glenaird we went straight to collect you. Anne invited us in for tea, but I said it was your bedtime. I wanted to avoid her anxious sympathy and in particular the need to tell her that it was unjustified. As we drove up the hill, I asked about your afternoon. “We painted,” you said. “And we made biscuits.”
We turned off the main road. “Look,” you exclaimed. In your
excitement you almost slipped from my arms. In the headlights of the car a group of black-and-white birds were strutting up and down in front of the house.
“Magpies,” said Matthew. “Can you count them, Ruth?”
“One, two,” you called, pointing wildly. “Three.”
“Four, five,” he prompted.
“Six,” you said triumphantly. The birds rose as one and flew off into the darkness.
 
 
That night after Matthew had fallen asleep, I got out of bed. I went into the living room and switched on the overhead light and all three lamps. Marian and Elizabeth were on the sofa, as if they had been waiting for me. The man with a moustache, Barbara's uncle Jack, stood against the wall, and beside him the soldiers from the river.
I did my best to ignore them. All my life, I thought, I had been too credulous. I had believed in the companions and that belief gave them power. Now it was the same with my illness.
“Malade imaginaire,” I
murmured. If I could only rid myself of this foolish notion, then I would be well again.
I began to pick up your toys. Even that slight exertion exhausted me, but I forced myself to go on. “There's nothing the matter with me,” I whispered grimly. When I finished, I looked around the room. The desk caught my attention. I had never liked it by the window. How much larger the room would seem if it were in the corner.
The desk had two pedestals and twenty pigeonholes; two men had carried it into the house with considerable effort; Lily and I had tried in vain to lift it. If I can move this, I thought, the pain will vanish.
I grasped a corner. “One, two, three.” I heaved. I might as well have tried to push back the walls.
I stopped to reconsider. My heart was pounding, as if my blood had thickened and could only with huge effort be forced through my veins. I wiped the hair from my forehead and took a tentative step forward. Beneath my feet the floor buckled. I closed my eyes and waited for it to grow flat.
When I looked up again, Marian and Elizabeth were beside me. Elizabeth touched my arm, motioning towards the sofa. Her face was much paler than usual; her eight freckles stood out, tiny and distinct. I shook my head and turned back to my task.
Marian barred my way. Against her dark dress her hair shone like snow on a winter's morning. “Excuse me,” I said. “I'm moving the desk.”
“Please, Eva. Sit down and rest.”
In her deep-set, melting grey eyes I seemed to see all those occasions when the companions had come to my aid: They had saved me from the gypsies, they had persuaded Lily to let me go to the infirmary, they had rescued me after the air raid. I saw the men in uniform lift David out of the river and carry him to safety. They had brought me to Matthew, and to you.
Slowly I turned my head to break her gaze. Then I did what I had never done before. I stepped blindly forward as if she did not exist.
BOOK: Eva Moves the Furniture
12.61Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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