Eulalia! (9 page)

Mad Maudie (the Hon.) Mugberry Thropple was neither a whiner nor a pleader. Being surrounded by lizards, and bound to a tree, did nothing to dampen her fighting spirit. When the big lizard leaned over her, hissing and threatening, the haremaid managed to give him a hard kick in his green, mottled stomach. The big lizard gave a curious gurgle, and collapsed clasping his injured midriff. Maudie booted out again, dealing him another kick in the back, at about the spot where she imagined a lizard's bottom would be. Then she gave him a piece of her mind.

“Now then, you slinky blighter, pay attention! You don't frighten me in the slightest, not you, or those other caddish types skulkin' over yonder, wot!”

The big sand lizard crawled out of Maudie's reach. His face had taken on a sickly pallor, but he staggered upright, hissing viciously. “You will die forrrr thisssssss!”

Maudie twiddled her ears at him. “Yah, boo an' sucks t'you! Just wait'll I get loose, I'll boot your blinkin' tail into the middle of next season, you great, slithery wretch!” She wriggled and tugged at the rope, but to little avail, it still held her fast to the trunk of the oak. Whilst she struggled, Maudie kept an eye on the reptiles.

The big lizard had gone over to consult with the others. They huddled together, making lots of lizardlike noises, and constantly pointing in the haremaid's direction. Maudie kept her spirits up by shouting insults at them.

“'Strewth, a fine lot you bounders are, d'you have to hold a full-blown conference to decide a simple maiden's fate? Hah! What's all the hissin' for? You sound like a load of old kettles, boilin' away at teatime. Now, if I were you, which I'm jolly well glad I'm not, I'd go an' find some types who'd be scared of you. Off ye go, an' frighten some frogs, or torment some toads, wot!”

As if taking her advice, the lizards dispersed, hither and thither. Maudie wrinkled her nose.

“Funny, maybe they've decided to heed my flippin' wisdom. Hmm, they're an odd lot, really, payin' attention to me. P'raps I've got a hidden talent as a lizard lecturer?”

However, after a brief interval the lizards returned, each one carrying several pebbles or pieces of rock. Still keeping out of Maudie's reach, they placed the lot in a heap. Now the big lizard came forward, he picked up a good-sized pebble. “You will die the death of a thoussssand sssstonessss!”

Maudie saw him throw, she ducked her head to one side. The pebble bounced off the oak, followed by another smaller one, which grazed her ear. Maudie winced.

“Ouch! I say, pack it in, you rotters, where's your sense of fair play? Yowch, that hurt!” A sharp piece of rock had struck her footpaw. Suddenly, an unearthly screech rent the air!

The lizards stopped what they were doing and fled in silent terror. An owl landed at Maudie's side, it was a magnificent bird, with feather tufts on its head like short ears. Huge, yellow eyes blinked at the haremaid from a rounded, white face. Maudie could not help flinching as the savage, hooked beak flashed toward her. The rope was sliced through with a single slash of the owl's beak. His head swivelled around, almost in a full circle as he addressed the haremaid.

“Whoohooooh! Ah've no doubt that thee'll forgive me, tarry there, lass, ah'm fair clemmed for t'want of a lizard!” He swooped off like a mammoth moth, great, rounded wings creating a loud, clapping sound as they smacked together on the downswing.

Maudie instantly remembered the name of the owl, which Bungwen Hermit had told her to watch out for. “Asio Bardwing, and just in the nick of flippin' time, too! Wonder where he's tootled off to, wot?”

 

Blowing on the ashes of her fire, Maudie added more wood, and got it burning again. It was now fully night. Maudie sat patiently by the small blaze, waiting to see if the owl would return. She was starting to nod off again, when he winged in. Perching next to her he nodded, then gave a tremendous belch. “Buuurp! Manners, owld lad! Ah'm right sorry t'be so long, lass, but ah'm right partial to a taste o' lizard now an' again. Yon big scoundrel won't bother thee n'more, nay!”

The haremaid gazed in horrified fascination at the tail of the big lizard, which was still hanging from the side of the owl's beak.

He noticed, and sucked it in with a quick slurp. “Beg pardon ah'm sure. Wot's tha name, lass?”

Maudie rose, treating him to a small curtsy. “My name's Maudie, sir, you must be Asio Bardwing.”

The owl's yellow eyes went even wider. “Whooooh, how'd thee know that, are ye magic?”

Maudie chuckled. “Actually, I was told your name by an old friend of yours, Bungwen Hermit.”

Asio shook his big, feathered head. “Never heard o' the beast, ah reckon you're magic. Maudie, eh? Bah gum, that's a reet grand owld name, mah Auntie Cordoolia had a second cousin, on Uncle Wilfrum's side, her name were Maudie, gradely owld duck she were. So then, Maudie lass, wot's thee doin' round here?”

The haremaid explained. “Actually, I'm lookin' for a badger, large, hefty warrior type, carries a flame an' walks with a banished one. I don't suppose you've seen him?”

Asio's head swivelled almost right around. “Thou supposes reet, lass, 'appen ah've not seen anybeast apart from thee this season. Couldn't thee see this badger with thy magic?”

Maudie added twigs to her fire. “Really, I'm not at all magic, honestly.”

Asio waved a talon, which was almost the size of a small dagger, in Maudie's face. “Fie on thee, ah knows magic when ah sees it, lass. Ah'll wager thee can read claws, am ah reet?”

Maudie did not like being ungracious to her rescuer, so she humoured Asio. “Read claws? Well, just a little bit.”

Asio hooted happily. “Whoohoohooh! Ah knew thee could, the moment ah set eyes on thee, lass. Here, read mine. Wot does the future hold for me, will ah wed an' have little 'uns, ah dearly would like to have a mate.”

Maudie had seen fortune telling performed, at the barrack room in Salamandastron, to pass time on long winter evenings. It was all in fun, of course, a bit of harmless trickery. She had never seen it done on a bird, however, but Mad Maudie was always game for anything.

“Righto, old chap, let's see your claws.”

Asio held up one foot, tipped with four murderously long, curving claws. Maudie gulped at the sight of them.

“Er, righto, now hold 'em still an' let me see what I'll jolly well see. Your name is Asio Bardwing, right?”

Asio nodded solemnly. As Maudie strove to think of her next question, he marvelled, “Aye that's reet, lass, Asio Bardwing of the Big Bardwing nest. How did thee guess that?”

Maudie suddenly realised that she was dealing with an owl who had complete memory blankness. Accordingly, she played her role to the hilt, murmuring darkly, “I know this because I am Mad Mystic Maudie. Do you know a mole they call Bungwen the Hermit?”

Asio gasped. “Aye, old Bungwen the mole, I remember him now, bah gum, he were a good little bloke!”

Maudie made several passes over his claws with her paw. “Silence now, O feathery one, for I see destiny in your blinkin' claws, wot. I am getting a message from the Big Bardwing Nest, from somebird called Auntie Cordoolia, do you know such a creature?”

Asio looked flabbergasted. “Well, blow me down, she knows Auntie Cordoolia! Wot's her message, lass, er, mad Misty wotsyername, tell me?”

Maudie peered closely at the big owl's talons, and saw scraps of the big lizard still sticking to them. She felt slightly nauseous, but continued. “She says you have a long and happy life ahead of you, if you eat less lizards, and more vegetables.”

Asio clacked his hooked beak disgustedly. “Ah were never fond o' vegetables, but ah'm quite partial to green things, frogs, toads, newts, lizards. Go on, wot else does she say?”

The haremaid intoned in a dirgelike voice, “She says you will meet a very pretty young owl. When you do, you must mind your manners and treat her kindly.”

Asio clenched his talons with joy, almost taking off Maudie's nose as she reared back. “Tell me more, more!”

Maudie continued, “If you treat her like a toff, she'll jolly well marry you, and lay scads of bloomin' eggs. There, that's all I can see, everything's gone fuzzy!”

Asio thrust his beak to within a hairsbreadth of her nose. “Wot's a toff?”

Maudie shrugged. “Oh, er, a nice sort of chap.”

The owl's eyes circled dreamily. “An' y'say she'll lay eggs, eh! Eggs, that's where little owls come from, tha knows. Bah gum, lass, thankee kindly!”

Maudie shook her head, as if coming out of a trance. “Oh, think nothin' of it, old bean, us magic hares do this sort o' thing all the flippin' time, wot!”

Asio hopped up into the branches of the oak. “Ah'm beholden t'thee, lass, bide there 'til ah get mah owlyharp, an' ah'll sing thee a song.” He rummaged about in the foliage until he came up with a beautiful little harp. Hopping back down to the fireside, Asio began tuning it and getting his voice into pitch, whilst he posed dramatically.

Plinkplinkplink…“Toowhoohoohoo!” Plinkplink…

The haremaid felt like covering her ears, it was the most dreadful, tuneless din she had ever heard. But she sat smiling, and looking appreciative, out of courtesy.

The owl's chest puffed out like a balloon, as he launched into his discordant song. It was actually an owl courtship ballad, containing many drawn-out hoots.

Maudie's ears were still buzzing from Asio Bardwing's hoots, long after he had ended his song. Despite her suffering she clapped enthusiastically, with both ears and paws, in the approved hare manner. “Oh I say, super hunky dory, wot, well done, Asio!”

The owl preened his feathers and took a bow. “Aye, it were rather gradely, even though ah say so m'self. Hearken, lass, shall ah sing thee another?”

The haremaid protested vigorously. “Good grief, no, you must save that spiffin' voice o' yours, in case an attractive young owl flaps by. Please don't wear your blinkin' beak out on my behalf.”

The owl put aside his owlharp reluctantly. “May'aps yore right, lass, 'ey up, are y'not feelin' well?”

Maudie lay back, with a paw draped across her brow, doing her best to look pale and interesting. “Oh, I'll be alright, just achin' a trifle, from the rocks those lizardy blighters chucked at me. I feel a bit tired that's all.”

Immediately Asio became the model of sympathy and help. “Right, you lay down there an' get a good owld sleep, lass. Ah'll see to the fire an' keep it goin'. Don't worry about owt now, ah'll be up in yon tree, keepin' an eye out for thee until dawn.”

That night Maudie slept safe and sound, knowing she had no need to worry about sneak attacks, with Asio Bardwing in the tree overhead, protecting her.

 

Maudie rose refreshed, dawn had already broken, promising a warm summer day. Woodland birdsong could be heard far and near as Maudie blew on the fire embers, coaxing them into life with twigs and dried moss. She liked the woodlands, they were a pleasant change from heathland, mountains and shoreline. The shadow and light of trees afforded sunlit swards, placid dimness and dappled aisles amid the big ancient trunks.

Stretching and yawning, Maudie looked up into the oak foliage. She was not best pleased by what she saw. There was the owl, fast asleep.

Muttering to herself, the haremaid laid out some scones, for toasting. “You have a good night's sleep, an' ah'll watch out for thee, lass. Hah, the bloomin' old fraud, I could've been jolly well murdered in my own bed, with him snorin' his confounded beak off right over my head! Hmph, I'll let the blighter snooze on for that, see if he gets any brekkers off me? Fat chance! Anyhow, a cad like that prob'ly doesn't eat respectable tuck, wot! More likely he stalks the blinkin' neighbourhood scoffin' any wretched reptile that blinks an eye at him! Sleepin' on duty, too? By the left, he'd be on a fizzer if old Major Mull caught him nappin'….”

“Whoohoo, is that toastin' scones ah smell?” Asio came flapping down from his perch, almost knocking Maudie flat with a heavy buffet from his wings. “Well, ain't this grand, toasty scones, an' ah see thee've got honey t'spread o'er 'em, too. Ecky thump, lass, th'art a little treasure an' no mistake!”