Essence of Time (33 page)

His throat had ached with unshed tears as he draped a leg over the arm of the large chair, letting the cool Michigan night air caress his overheated skin. He’d allowed his mind to drift, to encompass the unimaginable. Life without Rob. Sensing that was part of Rob’s frustration lately, Blake acknowledged to himself that Rob had likely been doing it too. Picturing the three of them: Blake, Lila and the child together, without him.

“Hey,” Rob had kissed the top of his hair. Blake stayed quiet, tried to quell the urge to sob. It wouldn’t accomplish anything. Rob had moved around beside him, held out a hand. “Come to bed.” Blake shook his head. 

But Rob had tugged him up, rough, urgent, kissed him, making them both breathless. The hard planes of Rob’s body against his, the hard press of flesh, of heat, of desire brought Blake’s cock to attention so fast and hard he got a little dizzy. Rob had reached into his shorts, fisted him, wrestled them over to the couch. “I need you,” he gasped.  Blake groaned as Rob’s lips covered his flesh, as his cock slid into his lover’s mouth, down his throat. He gripped the man’s hair, shoved himself in further, needing this hard, fast and now. An orgasm roared up from his spine, sending energy shooting through every nerve ending. “Wait!” he’d yelled, and pulled Rob up to his lips. “Not this way.” He’d grunted as Rob tugged his hips down, grabbed the lube from a side table drawer and slipped his fingers inside Blake’s body, reaching high as he leaned into to suck and tug at Blake’s erect nipples.

Rob had slipped his other hand between them, used the lube to slicken his palm up and down Blake’s shaft as he tilted his hips and slid into Blake’s body with one deep, hard stroke breaching the tight ring of muscles quickly, forcefully, making Blake shudder and cry out in a roil of agony and ecstasy. Rob had kept his fist moving, pumping Blake’s cock as he fucked his ass with hard thrusts. “Gonna come baby,” Rob grunted. “Come with me. Give it to me Blake. Ah god!” He pressed up, high, and Blake let go, coating Rob’s hand and his stomach with his fluid as Rob’s hips pumped into him again and again.

He’d cupped Rob’s face then, pulled him close. “I love you. So much. I want to make this work.”

Rob’s breathing had slowly calmed, and he kept their bodies joined a minute longer, letting Blake cradle him against his chest. “So do I. But I’m scared. So fucking scared.” Blake let a tear slip from his eye already anticipating the nights alone he would have ahead of him, remembering moments like this one.

Blake snapped back to the present, closed his eyes, then stared deep into Rob’s. “I think I love her, too. So it’s okay.” He stood, mind already dissembling, giving him excuses to not be wondering how the two of them would occupy an entire weekend alone. He knew his man, and realized it would be one long fuck session. He sighed. Turned and put his hand on the doorway from the kitchen. Rob sat as he’d left him, long, strong arms up on the couch, legs propped on the leather ottoman. “You guys need this. I’ll be fine.”

**** 

Lila glared at the grocery shelf in front of her eyes, not seeing anything but bright red, little starbursts of fury. She threw boxes and cans into the cart, not computing what they were, having silent conversations in her head with Blake, then with Rob. Trying to sort through the complex whirl of emotions she harbored regarding the two men, just being flat out pissed at them was sort of a relief.  Jesus.

She put a hand on her chest, tried to calm her pounding heartbeat.  Realizing early on that working out some sort of equity thing was nearly impossible, she spent an inordinate amount of time convincing herself this was still purely business. That a transaction would occur sometime in the next year and she would be done, possibly never seeing either of them again. She would definitely not see her own child again as the two men raised him, or her, without Lila’s input. 

But the breathtaking way the two men transported her between them, as if trying to one up each other between the sheets, using hands, fingers, lips, tongues and of course their amazing cocks in, around, and all over her…she bit her lip. One night was especially memorable when she’d said simply: “I want to watch.” The amazing erotic vision of the men, her men, pleasuring each other without regard to her as audience still had the power to bring moisture between her legs.

 Running a shaking hand over her eyes, she clutched a giant stack of Diet Cokes, tried to catch her breath. What a stupid, stupid thing she’d agreed to. Out of some combination of lust, desperation and a greedy desire to feel a child growing inside her again, within a couple of quick discussions with Sara, and a down and dirty grope session with Blake, she’d signed her body over, like it was some kind of womb-for-hire. She clenched her eyes shut, willed the tears back down. She
was
a womb-for-hire. Pure and simple and nothing more. The men had been doing nothing more than fulfilling their end of the bargain. She had, so far, not upheld hers.

“Lila?” A voice behind her made her swallow the sob and turn. Sara, with Katie in tow, cart full of the usual compromises of wheat bread, fresh fruit and a gallon of vanilla ice cream stood, like an oasis in a dessert.  “You okay, hon?” Lila opened her mouth, but nothing would come out.  She shook her head so hard she nearly rattled her own teeth.

In her usual efficient fashion, Sara had Katie and Maddie deposited in front of a video and Lila sitting at her kitchen table with two giant glasses of wine and some snacks within a half hour. Dazed, more than a little sore from all the male attention she’d received in the past months, heart aching with a reality she didn’t want to acknowledge, she stared into the deep purple liquid.  “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Her voice sounded raspy to her own ears. Sara patted her hand.

“Give them time. They’re both so…alpha, I guess. It’s probably hard for them too, you know, to sort out who’s doing what to whom and how they feel about it.” She sipped her wine, played with an olive. Lila sighed.

“No. I mean, maybe that but the problem is…well….I guess I’ve...”

“You’re in love with them.” Sara’s voice stayed soft. Lila stared at her.

“Yeah. That. And Rob’s…”

“Did you guys fight or something?”

Lila gulped, tried the no-doubt expensive wine. It tasted like vinegar. She never had been much of a drinker and the copious amounts everyone around her consumed was at times a little intimidating. 

Sara clutched her hand, searched her soul with those eyes that could easily be Blake’s. “Are you…did you...?”

“Not yet. Not for lack of very enthusiastic trying.” Lila shook her head. Sara sat back. 

Lila took a breath and tried to explain. “Rob is so damn stoic. Such a rock, you know? Calm, cool, collected. Even when it comes to his illness. And Blake…” Lila looked away.
How in god’s name could she possibly love two men equally and as bone-grindingly much as she did these two?
“Blake is like that cartoon puppy, jumping around the bulldog, always wanting to go, to do, to see, to move around.” Sara smiled.  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean it as an insult. They’re perfect together. I feel worse than a fifth wheel.”  Sara patted her hand again.

“No, you’ve just given me a visual of my brother I won’t ever forget.” The women laughed. Lila tried to relax, but jumped up, started pacing Sara’s kitchen. 

“I want so badly to give them a baby. And I’m certain I will. It’s just…” she stared out onto Sara’s perfectly manicured lawn. “I want to stay. I want to be mother to the baby, with them both.”

Sara sipped, then spoke.  “I think they’d like that.”

“Don’t humor me. We have an arrangement.”

Sara laughed, but it was a harsh, unpleasant thing. “I know my brother, Lila, and I’ve seen his eyes when he talks about you. I’m jealous frankly, that you have found two perfect men and I can seem to figure out one for myself.”

Lila snapped her mouth shut. “Really? I mean, you think…oh god.” She paced some more. “But we had such a fight, I mean…” Her head spun, trying to sort out how to approach them again.

“Oh, you will fight. Those two may seem different but they both harbor a very male, very selfish perspective. They won’t always ‘share’ you well. But give them time. I told Rob already to just get over himself and invite you in, you know, permanently.”

“I think that’s what he tried to do the other day. I blew up at him. But they are so…”

“Yeah. Both thick-headed, bossy, male assholes. It comes naturally.”

Lila dropped back into the chair across from her friend.  “Why aren’t you and Jack together, Sara?” She grabbed the other woman’s hand before she could walk away…

“Because.” Sara said. “Now. I have a long weekend, but Craig is taking Katie up to the Traverse Tourney. Want him to take Maddie too? So you guys can... you know… kiss and make up?” Lila blushed.

“Maybe. Do you think he would mind?”

“No. Not at all.” Sara gave her a sad smile. Which Lila saw, then forgot, as her mind already raced with ways to make it up to her men.

**** 

On her way home her phone buzzed. She answered it on the way up the steps to her apartment. “Hey Lila.” Rob’s deep, rumbling voice made her tingle. Damn she had missed them.

“Hey.” She let him lead the conversation.

“Blake is going to take Maddie up to Traverse this weekend. For the tournament. That okay?”

She’d stopped, confused. Then blood rushed to her face, realizing what he was telling her. “Sure.” She dropped her keys onto the coffee table, and sat before her knees gave out.

“I want to take you out, to a nice dinner, a movie, concert, whatever you want. How does that sound?”

Her throat constricted. A date. She’d not been on a real date since…hardly ever. “Sounds great. How should I dress?”

“Dress up. Blake is going to grab Maddie after school, bring her home and let her pack. You’ll see him then. I’ll pick you up around seven.”

“Wait.” She said before he could hang up. “What is this about?”

“It’s about you, getting to know me. It was his idea.” She heard a hitch in his voice. It nearly broke her heart, but she straightened up, sent a silent thanks to Blake.

“It’s a great idea. I’m looking forward to it.” She tried to sound stronger than she felt.

“Me too. See you tonight.”

Later, Blake stood at her door, hands in his pockets as Maddie rushed around like a banshee, thrilled to be going somewhere without her mom. Lila invited Blake to the kitchen where they could have a private conversation while the girl packed her stuff.  He pulled her close the second they got out of eyeshot, kissed her long and hard, leaving her breathless. “I love you, Lila.” She gasped, tried to wrench out his arms. “No, stop.” He held her closer. “That’s why I’m doing this. Because I love you and I love him and I need you to… you told me this weekend was…” she nodded, cradled his face.

“I love you too Blake,” She surprised herself with the confession but it felt perfect so she said it again, kissed him once more and stepped back. “Yes, this is a good weekend for me. I think it will be perfect. Thank you.” Blake nodded and hollered for Maddie, unwilling to meet Lila’s eyes again. Sara’s words about stubborn, thick headed, selfish alpha males floated across her vision. It had to be incredibly difficult for him to give them this time. She loved him all the more for it.

“Bye, Mommy!” Maddie kissed her then took Blake’s hand and headed out to his truck.  She held herself close a minute, took a breath, then jumped in the shower and soaked in the tub afterward, letting herself drift, running a hand over her stomach, imagining their child inside her.  Then them together, but as she floated along in a relaxed, semi-sleep a picture emerged. Her, the baby, Maddie by her side, and one man. Just one, standing with her. She knew this weekend for what it was.

A last chance.

Chapter Four

Rob fiddled with his shirt collar, shot his cuffs for the millionth time, changed shoes once, and then sat, staring out the window. He tried a newly bottled beer of Blake’s but it tasted sour to him. Wine was no better. He was a nervous wreck, headed out on a date. Jesus. Finally, he grabbed the keys to the SUV, pulled out of the garage, and headed toward Lila’s apartment. His mind ran a thousand miles a minute. Words from doctors, from Blake, from more doctors, spilled around on each other, making him breathless.

The fucking shadow was back. Smaller this time, and they’d put him on some low-dose meds he could take orally. They had assured him all his radiation and chemotherapies had not rendered him infertile. He’d made sure to have that test again. Tapping his fingers nervously on the open window as he waited at a red light, he caught the eye of an extremely attractive blond woman in the car next to him. She stared, blatantly, then smiled in a way he recognized. He smiled back, flashed the ring he and Blake had started wearing on their left hands and sped off.

She opened the door before he had a chance to knock. He had to take a step back at the sight. Her petite, perfect frame was draped in deep red dress, simply cut, highlighting her womanly curves. Long black hair swept up in a casual style, with small pearl earrings dangling from her ears, she grinned, went up on the tiptoes she still needed even with four-inch patent leather pumps and brushed his lips with hers. A subtle, deep floral scent wafted from her skin. He put his hand over his heart.

“Dear Lord woman. You are magnificent.” He meant it. If he could get away with it, he’d sweep her up right now, plunk her down on the floor of this crappy apartment and take her. But he’d promised a date. He held out an elbow.

“Yes, well, I figure I’ve got an hour at best in these shoes. So make the most of it.” He took her in once more, head to luscious toe, and grinned.

“I’d like to get you out of the dress before that…” She took his elbow and shut the door behind them.

“Nope. Expensive meal at least first, please.”

“Naturally. Anything for you, my goddess.” He was delighted to see a blush creep up her neck. Without thinking about it, he kissed her cheek. “You truly do look amazing.”