Equity (Balance Sheet #3) (18 page)

Even I heard the finality when the door clicked shut. If we’d ever had any shot of reconciliation, it was gone now. The only man I had sex with recently enough to have gotten pregnant was Turner. The letter he wrote me burned a hole in my closed eyelids. I couldn’t read it just yet. My world was already spinning. Honestly, I knew what it said. His actions spoke louder than the page the words were written on. He was done with me.

Life was funny like that. I’d lost the two men I loved because I couldn’t make the right decisions. And now, fate had dumped a child in my lap.

I didn’t need a test to know the truth. I’d be feeling lousy and sick for a couple of weeks off and on. I hadn’t seen my period and I didn’t remember taking my pills after I left New York to go home.

My tears lulled me into sleep. Their warmth was like a blanket of defeat. I’d done everything wrong and lost everything. Those were the words that played in my head before I drifted into sleep, ruled by nightmares that had been coming more frequently since I’d gotten back from Ireland.

At first light, my eyes opened, heavy with lack of sleep. I didn’t bother closing my eyes again. It was a lost cause. Between the past and my undetermined future, there was no way I was getting any rest.

With a list of things to do, I headed out in New York.
We have a lot in common, you and me. We both can’t sleep
, I murmured aloud to the City at the dismay of passersby. They weren’t sacred of me as they gave me a wide berth on the sidewalk.

In the wee hours of the morning, at a corner store, I procured a couple of pee stick tests. Once at Lizzy’s, I dumped them out along with a couple of bars of chocolate and a pint of ice cream. I would need all of the comfort because I knew just what the test would reveal. Instead of waiting on the 99.9 percent sure it was positive, I was hoping on that 0.1 percent that I wasn’t.

After taking the first, I Facetimed Lizzy.

“Babe, do you know what time it is?”

I nodded while she rubbed her eyes. An arm slung over her shoulder as she moved.

“Babe,” this time she wasn’t talking to me. “I’ll be right back.”

I heard a grumble, then by her screen she was on the move. She sat on a couch.

“What’s wrong?”

“Is Vi there?” I asked, not wanting to repeat myself.

“Ummm.”

“Spill,” I demanded, my nerves frazzled enough as it was.

“She’s at my brother’s.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised. “You’ll tell her later because I don’t think I can say this more than once.” I let my story keep me from looking at the test before the time was up.

“Can you look for me?” I asked.

“Sure, hun,” Lizzy said. “No matter what, we’ll be there for you.”

I angled my phone in the direction of the test that rested atop the box on the counter.

“Can you see it?”

“Yes, I see it,” she said.

“And?”

By the tone of Lizzy’s first word, I knew. “Honey… it’s positive.”

The tears began to fall in earnest. Everything else spilled from my eyes and nose as a gut-wrenching wail left me.

She offered me comfort as I let go while cradling my stomach and the little person inside.

“How could this happen?” I asked no one. I knew how it happened. I didn’t know how I’d gotten myself in that position. I
was
on the pill. “He hates me.”

Lizzy knew. I’d used this phrase before. “Trust me, he doesn’t hate you. That man is madly in love with you.”

“He left without looking back. I’ve lost him for sure now.”

“Turner?” she offered.

“He’s gone too. He left a note, you know.” I couldn’t remember if I’d told her that part of the story.

“What did it say?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. I can’t read it. It’s too much.”

Lizzy, my rock said, “You should tell him and decide if this changes anything.”

“It doesn’t. I love him. But I’m in love with Kalen.”

Lizzy said, “I know. And he’s in love with you, Bails. I know you don’t believe it, but he’ll change his mind. You don’t see how he looks at you.”

Dismissing her response, I said, “I need to make a doctor’s appointment.”

“We’ll come and be there for you,” she offered.

Slowly, I shook my head. “I can do this alone. Plus, you guys are in Chicago. I’m going to take an earlier train back to DC.”

“Bails, you don’t have to do this alone.”

“I’ll be fine. Besides, I’m not sure when I’ll get an appointment. And women have been doing this kind of thing alone forever. I’ll be fine.”

It took a lot of convincing, but she finally agreed.

“Okay, but we are coming to see you after for girl time.”

I nodded and I let the screen go black. After a shower, I got dressed and called down to the doorman for a taxi. It wasn’t until I got in the train that I allowed myself to open Turner’s letter.

My eyes closed with the letter in my hand. I dreamt about him until my dreams turned to nightmares. Bound and gaged, I cried as a woman dressed in a cat suit violated me. I woke with a start and I met the stares of other passengers. Had I screamed? There was nothing to be done about it. Instead of falling back asleep, I composed a letter on my phone to keep me awake. Once I was back in my apartment, I would write it down and send Turner the news that he might be a father. His letter mentioned next to the address that it could take up to a month to reach him.

At work that Monday, I asked a pregnant coworker about who her doctor was. My excuse had been that, new to the area, I needed to find a good doctor for my annual exam. She’d given me the name of the group she went to and I hid in my office behind a closed door to make an appointment. Even thought it was a large group practice, I wasn’t able to get an appointment until the following Monday.

During that week, after I mailed Turner’s letter, I hadn’t heard from Kalen. I had daily chats with Violet, who’d been updated, and Lizzy. Lizzy was keeping something from me. But she refused to tell me anything, saying that I needed her support, not the other way around. I let it go because once Lizzy made up her mind to do something, there was no changing it. Still, I made her promise to spill whatever was on her mind when I saw her.

When Monday came, I sat in the doctor’s office. The décor was pleasant enough to keep things as elegant as doctor’s offices could be. At least it felt inviting with the splashes of earth tone colors and not the bleakness of stark white.

My hands fidgeted after filling out a ton of paperwork and handing it over to a practical stranger even though she was a nurse. The questions were so invasive and personal. I expected some things but others left me feeling exposed, not to mention my failing and broken heart.

“Bailey Glicks,” a nurse in purple scrubs called from a partially opened door. I stood and was glad by the feel of the place that I had insurance. I wasn’t sure I could afford to pay for a visit here outside of my co-pay. I had to wonder who my coworker might have been married to.

My steps were deliberately slow. I’d already been called back for a pee and blood sample. I’d been sent back to the waiting room until the doctor was ready to see me. It didn’t matter that my 99.9 percent accurate test had already shown what I knew. Somehow hearing from a doctor made it all that more real. And what would I tell my parents?

Just as I got to the door, a firm hand met the small of my back. The nurse’s eyes left mine and lifted too far up. I didn’t need to see his face. I knew. She flushed, which I also expected. Who didn’t when graced with the gorgeous man who’d come for me?

I followed her to an exam room without looking back. His touch said he was right behind me. I thought we would be let into a room that would hold a wide runner of tissue paper covering a padded faux leather covered table. This room was far different in that it was also filled with equipment that I’d seen before on medical TV drama but never in person.

A women with kind eyes stood and held out a hand to introduce herself. She also shook the man’s hand behind me.

“Have a seat,” she said, gesturing to the tissue covered contraption. “According to your paperwork, you aren’t sure when you’re last period was?”

Embarrassed I said, “I was on the pill. I didn’t bother to keep a calendar.”

“The pill isn’t one hundred percent effective.”

I nodded, properly chastised.

“It also looks like you haven’t had much morning sickness, just tiredness.”

“I’ve been feeling out of sorts, sometimes I get queasy. But I haven’t thrown up.”

“How’s your appetite?”

“That’s when I feel nauseous. There are some days I’m so hungry, but most days I don’t want to look at food.”

She clicked a few buttons, bringing the machine before her to life. “Every woman is different. Some women faint like you did. Usually that’s from lack of eating or vomiting plus not sleeping well. It’s not something that would happen regularly. Now that you know you are pregnant, I suspect you’ll take good care of yourself. Meanwhile, it sounds like you won the symptom lottery. There is still a chance you might get a regular bout of morning sickness, but most likely things will only get better from here.”

She typed on the keyboard that sat just below a screen. “It will take a couple of days to get the readings on the hormone levels in your blood. Another way to gage how far along you are, is to do an ultrasound.”

“It’s confirmed she is pregnant.” For a second, I’d forgotten about the man in the room until I heard his voice from slightly to the side and behind me.

“Yes, she is very much pregnant based on the urinal sample we took when she arrived. I’m aware she’s been on the pill, but like I said before that’s not foolproof. The ultrasound will also confirm.”

She handed me a paper gown. “Please get undressed. I’ll be back in a minute.”

For long moments, only the sounds to fill the thunderous silence were that of my clothes being removed.

When I ramped up enough courage, I asked, “Why did you come?”

I was fighting with my jeans when he spoke.

“Because you don’t have to do this alone.” His words sounded familiar but comforting.

There was a soft knock at the door. I managed to cover myself with the paper gown when the doctor poked her head in. “All ready.”

She didn’t bother to wait. She came in and put on gloves before grabbing a bottle of gel. She pulled down the paper drape that covered my lower parts and warned me the gel was warm. After she put the handheld device onto the squirm of gel on my belly, she pressed down almost to the point of pain while moving it around.

“It looks like we’ll have to use the internal probe.”

I was shocked into silence at the plastic object that looked very much like a standard vibrator. And when she rolled the condom on it, it only solidified that image. My legs were placed in stirrups and I had the indignity of spreading my legs for a total stranger. A hand belonging to the man with me found mine and I relaxed at the invasion into my body.

“There we are,” the doctor said.

I looked at the screen, which was a haze of black and white but more gray. I couldn’t tell what she was looking at and I was afraid to ask. She started freezing the screen and took what looked like measurements. I should have asked questions. However, I found myself struck mute as she worked.

There was a whir of noise and she tore off printouts of what had the look of a bean, maybe a tadpole.

“You are about eight weeks pregnant.” She gave me a due date while handing me a picture. “Baby looks fine, although a little shy not giving us a good view of size. We will do this again around twenty weeks. At that point you should get a better picture of your baby and then you can find out the baby’s sex.” She paused. “I’ll let you get dressed and you can pick up a prescription of prenatal vitamins. Other than the obvious, no more drinking, smoking or drugs, you can live life as usual.”

She stepped out again. Before I could confront my companion who’d held my hand the whole time, he excused himself. I wasn’t sure why. He’d seen me naked and had been in the room while I undressed. For a second, I thought he wouldn’t be there when I left the office. However, he was. We didn’t say one word to each other until we got to my place.