Enduring Love (31 page)

Letter collected from Mr. J. Parry, written toward end of third year after admittance. Original filed with patient’s notes. Photocopy forwarded to Dr. R. Wenn at his request
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Tuesday

Dear Joe,

I was awake at dawn. I slipped out of bed, put on my dressing gown, and without disturbing the night staff went and stood by the east window. See how willing I can be when you’re kind to me! You’re right, when the sun comes up behind the trees they turn black. The twigs at the very top are tangled against the sky, like the insides of some machine with wires. But I wasn’t thinking about that, because it was a cloudless day and what rose up above the treetops ten minutes later was nothing less than the resplendence of God’s glory and love. Our love! First bathing me, then warming me through the pane. I stood there, shoulders back, my arms hanging loosely at my sides,
taking deep breaths. The old tears streaming. But the joy! The thousandth day, my thousandth letter, and you telling me that what I’m doing is right! At first you didn’t see the sense of it, and you cursed our separation. Now you know that every day I spend here brings you one tiny step closer to that glorious light, His love, and the reason you know it now when you didn’t before is because you are close enough to feel yourself turning helplessly and joyfully toward His warmth. No going back now, Joe! When you are His, you also become mine. This happiness is almost an embarrassment to me. I’m meant to be a prisoner. The bars are on the windows, the ward is locked at night, I spend my days and nights in the company of the shuffling, muttering, dribbling idiots, and the ones who aren’t shuffling have to be restrained. The nurses, especially the men, are brutes who really ought to be inmates and have somehow scraped through to the other side. Cigarette smoke, windows that won’t open, urine, TV ads. That’s the world I’ve described to you a thousand times. I ought to be going under. Instead I feel more purpose than I’ve ever known in my life. I’ve never felt so free. I’m soaring, I’m so happy, Joe! If they’d known how happy I was going to be here, they would have let me out. I have to stop writing to hug myself. I’m earning our happiness day by day and I don’t care if it takes me a lifetime. A thousand days—this is my birthday letter to you. You know it already, but I need to tell you again that I adore you. I live for you. I love you. Thank you for loving me, thank you for accepting me, thank you for recognizing what I am doing for our love. Send me a new message soon, and remember—faith is joy.

Jed