End Game (5 page)

Oh my god, I can’t believe he said that to
me. I feel like every childhood fantasy is coming true. I couldn’t
believe how someone out there wanted to get to know me, but then I
quickly came back to reality. I am so not stupid enough to believe
a word he is saying to me, and it is honestly taking everything
inside of me to not laugh in his face right now. I have to wonder
how many times that line has gotten him into girls’ pants.

Oh well. I am still going to go out with him
and hopefully get a free dinner out of it. I mean, come on, if he
can come up with that load of crap, then I am sure he will buy
dinner in hope of getting into my pants. That will so never happen.
I just hope I can make it through this date. I am having an
incredibly hard time not backing out. First he fights with Zane and
then he uses that stupid line. I hope I can do this.

Jason and I headed out to a dinner and a
movie. I have to say, after spending thirty minutes with him at
dinner, I am going to get horrible cramps and have to go home. This
man has not stopped talking about himself since we sat down to eat.
All he did was talk about things that have no interest to anyone
but himself. I know all about how he was prom king, the star
quarterback of his high school, and is now here at college on a
full scholarship. I know how he got offered a modeling contract and
chose to go to school instead, but I totally don’t believe that. He
is hot, but I don’t know if he is model hot.

Two hours later, I am standing at my front
door and trying to get rid of Jason. I told him after dinner I
wasn’t feeling well, but he insisted on walking me back to my
apartment.

“I had a really great time tonight, Hannah. I
hope you did too,” he told me; standing a little too close to me I
may add.

“Yeah…I had a really good time too,
Jason.”

I can’t believe this is the end to the first
date of my life, and now I am pretty sure he is going to try and
kiss me. The idea is terrifying but also kind of cool. I mean, I
can’t stand this guy at all, but the idea he wants to kiss me makes
me feel pretty for the first time ever. I think about that for a
second and then decide that thought is pathetic. I will not give my
first kiss to Jason.

“I’m sorry I am not feeling well Jason,” I
tell him, hoping he will get the hint.

“That is okay, Hannah. I am just hoping that
we can do this again soon.”

It has now come to my first step in having
some balls. I have to tell him no. I kept chanting, “I can do this.
I can do this,” repeatedly in my head. Then, all those thoughts of
wanting love, and to be loved, enter my head. What if he is the
only boy who will ever want me or find me cute enough to want to
kiss? I can’t let my only chance of a guy wanting me slip through
my fingers.

Before I know what I am doing, I blurt out,
“Yes, I really want to do this again.” I can’t believe I just did
that.

Jason stands there, smiles at me, gently
leans in, and then presses his lips to mine. I am so confused at
this moment. His lips feel so soft against mine. I can’t stand this
guy, but his lips on mine feels so good. It could be that he is an
incredible kisser, or because I have literally have nobody else to
compare him to. Jason pushes harder into the kiss and, before I
know it, his tongue is in my mouth and he tastes like heaven. I let
his tongue come into my mouth and I push back just as hard. I am
just hoping I am doing this right, because it sure feels like he is
doing it right. My body is tingling in places that I had no idea
they could tingle. I am scared shitless at this moment and I can
feel my entire body shaking.

Jason pulls his head back, rests his forehead
on mine, and asks, “Are you okay, Hannah? You are shaking.”

I just nod my head at him.

“Just nervous, Jason. Please ignore the
shaking,” I tell him.

The smile that spread across his face made me
think, maybe he isn’t that bad of a guy after all.

Then he said the, “It’s okay baby. I know
being with a guy like me can be a little intimidating. Don’t worry.
You will get used to being with all of this,” he said, as he moved
his hands up and down his body.

As he said this, I literally had to contain
vomit coming up. What that fuck is wrong with me? Am I so in need
of having someone love me that I would deal with this?

“Thanks Jason. I am sure I will,” I said,
trying so hard to not roll my eyes.

“Can I call you tomorrow?”

I look at this cute boy in front of me, and
all I can think is how much I can’t stand him. Then, all I could
think is how I sure wouldn’t mind kissing him again. I said the
only logically thing I could think, “Of course you can.” I smile
back at him. He leans in, gives me a quick hug, and then walks
away, waving back at me.

I turn around, walk into my apartment, and
can’t believe who I see standing there.

“What the hell are you doing in here Zane?” I
scream at him.

“I wanted to make sure you got back from your
date okay,” he says smiling at me. His eyes are swollen and have
already started to bruise.

“As you can see, I am fine, in one piece, and
now you can go. Before you leave, how the hell did you get in
here?”

“Rayanne let me in, when she got back from
her date, about an hour ago.”

Rayanne must have had a shitty ass date for
her to be back before me. I even cut my date short.

“Where is she now?” I ask him.

“She is in her room. I told her some things,
and she decided you and I should have a little talk, alone. I have
a lot I need to tell you, and I don’t know when the right time is
going to be right. I have so much I need to tell you, about me, and
the decisions I have made. I want to tell you now, but I think I
need to earn your trust and friendship first. Can we make a deal
right now? Hannah, you mean so much to me, and you always have, so
let me prove it to you by friendship. Once I know I have earned
your trust, I need to tell you the truth. I need to tell you about
all the things you think I did to you.”

In this moment, staring at Zane, I am so
confused. What does he have to tell me? What is the truth, and what
the hell is he talking about? I want him to tell me now, but I also
know I have to trust him before I will believe anything he says to
me.

“Zane, how am I supposed to learn to trust
you again? You broke the only part of me that was whole, and that
part was you. Everything else about was broken, except you, and
then you broke me and I had nothing. I had Rayanne, but she never
knew everything about my mom. You were the only one who knew
everything, and you still loved me…at least I thought. I guess I
was wrong, because I sure was easy to walk away from.”

I started crying as I said this to him. I
walked away from him and started walking towards my room. I wanted
to be done with this. It hurt too bad remembering when he left. The
next thing I knew, Zane grabbed my arm, stopping me.

“Hannah, you need to know, that in no way,
was walking away from you easy.”

I turned towards him, with tears in my eyes,
and screamed, “Zane, you did walk away! You left me alone with that
woman and all the fears that came with her! Everyday, I feared what
she would say or do to me. Do you know, when you would come into my
room at night, it was the only time I felt normal? After you left,
I would stay up all night and write down everything I did that day,
to see if I did anything that would be a little bit manic or crazy
in general. I didn’t have you to make me feel normal!” At this
point, tears were streaming down my cheeks.

Zane came to me and started rubbing his
fingers up and down my tear soaked cheeks. His touch did more for
me than any kiss Jason could give me. I knew I could never be with
Zane the way I really wanted. I needed someone who didn’t know me
before I was heavy. If he couldn’t love me in a sexual way before,
then I could never accept it now.

With my eyes closed, Zane kept rubbing my
tears off of my cheeks.

“Open your eyes, Hannah,” he said, in such a
commanding and possessive way, and I didn’t even fight it. I
immediately opened my eyes. What stared back at me where the eyes
of the only boy I knew I would ever love, which really sucked.

“Hannah, please let me prove to you how much
it hurt to walk away from you. Let me prove to you that I love you.
Let me earn your trust. I will be at your beck and call at all
times,” he told me. I believed him. I could see it in his eyes.

“What can’t you tell me now? You keep saying
that when I am ready you have something to tell me. What is it?” I
asked, unsure if I wanted to really know the answer.

“There are things I do have to tell you, but
I want to make sure you will be able to believe me when I tell
you.”

“You do realize that you are asking me to
trust you right now. I should demand to know what it is now. But,
since I do know you, I can tell by looking into your eyes that you
mean what you say.”

“Good. So, what is the first thing you need
me to do? Clean your room? Bring you breakfast in bed?”

He made me smile. “No, what I need is a
running partner in the morning.” Rayanne does not run or do any
physical activity, and it pisses me off. When I first started
losing weight, I started by walking. The more weight I lost, the
more I was able run. That bitch didn’t have to do anything, which
wasn’t fair, but I still love her.

“Of course I can, Hannah Banana Split. I feel
like, maybe, I can call you that again. Is that okay?” he asks
me.

“Yes, you can call me that again,” I answered
back. I smiled on the inside, because if I am honest with myself, I
really missed him calling me that.

“What time should I be here tomorrow?”

“I like to get an early start, so about six.
You okay with that?” I ask him, with a huge grin on my face,
because I know how much Zane hates getting up that early.

“You are evil, but I will be here bright and
early. What time is your first class tomorrow?”

My first class isn’t until eleven, but I have
my first shrink appointment tomorrow, and I don’t want Zane to know
that right now. I am going to try with him, but I still need to
keep some things separate from him.

“I have a nine o’clock class tomorrow,” I
tell him, which is actually the time of my therapy session.

“Okay, so no coffee after the run, but how
about lunch?” He asks me.

I so badly want to go with him, but I know I
have to make him work for me to trust him again. I do the only
thing I know how to do when it comes to Zane. I say yes. On one
hand, that makes me feel sad and pathetic, but on the other, it
also makes me feel so happy. We spent the next few minutes talking
about where we should meet up in the morning.

Zane is standing in front of the door to
leave, and I am next to him holding the door open. He leans into my
ear and whispers, “End game, Hannah.”

“What does that mean, Zane?” I ask him. My
voice doesn’t even sound like my own. It sounds husky and sexy, and
in all honesty, I had no clue it could sound like this.

“I know what it means, and you will too when
I can tell you everything. Just know that it means I won’t ever
give up.”

“Okay,” I whisper back. Our lips are so close
together I can feel his hot breathe on my face. Never in my whole
life, even with all the times Zane laid in bed with me, have I felt
such an unbelievable sexual pull to this man. The funny thing is it
isn’t just from me. I can feel it from him. I don’t know what to
think at this moment. I am so excited that I can feel the desire
from him, but I am also pissed off at it. How come I wasn’t good
enough when I was bigger?

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I tell him as I
close the door. I don’t even give him a chance to say goodbye to
me. I just can’t. I don’t think I had it in me to not kiss him.
Look at me, one kiss down, and now I don’t think I have it in me to
not jump a guy. I say that is some progress, I guess. Maybe I don’t
need therapy, but then I remember my journal. I don’t think it’s
healthy to keep a “Was anything I did crazy?” journal. I put on a
good front for Rayanne, but there is a part of me that is really
scared of turning into my mother. Well, guess I can save these
thoughts for my therapist tomorrow.

Chapter Seven

Sitting at the doctor’s office, waiting for my
appointment, all I could think about was my run with Zane this
morning. He showed up right on time. We ran about 3 miles, and Zane
asked a lot of questions. He wanted to know how I started to lose
weight.

I told him the truth, how at first it was
because of him, and what he did. Then, after the first twenty
pounds or so, I realized I liked having that control. I lacked so
much control in my life. The fear of my mother was always my
driving force for everything I did, and I enjoyed something that
wasn’t about her. It was about me, and she couldn’t take my losing
weight away from me.

The name-calling actually got worse with
every pound I lost. All I heard was how I was going to turn into a
slut, like my Aunt DeDe, and I must think I am so much better than
her because I was losing weight. The best was how she told me, no
matter how much I lost, Zane would never want me, because I was
ugly through and through. She told me I looked like my father, and
no matter what I did I would be shit faced ugly.

As I was telling this to Zane, it was almost
like I forgot he was there and just kept going, until he stopped me
by grabbing my hand.

“You know that nothing she says is true.”

I nodded at him, but I didn’t answer or look
at his eyes. If he saw my eyes he would have known I was lying. I
believed everything that woman told me, and even more after he
left. I keep my pain so deep inside me that sometimes I can pretend
it isn’t there, except when I lay in bed at night. The pain and
fear of being so unwanted and unlovable keeps me awake, in a
constant state of panic.