EMIT (THE EMIT SAGA) (34 page)

SONNET #43, FROM THE PORTUGUESE

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints!---I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!---and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

The words made me think of Daniel and I understood the depth of the emotions the poet was trying to convey. How can you measure love and be able to express the magnitude of the feelings involved? It’s impossible to define the emotion of love, longing and desire. Sure, poets and writers have tried, but they can only write about their own view of love. Every person has his or her own idea of what constitutes love, what it is or what it feels like.

Closing my eyes, I thought about how these fourteen lines were able to deliver so much passion and meaning. "Sonnet 43
" expressed such absolute love.

I felt my hair being stroked and
I opened my eyes to see Daniel in all his beautiful glory. Deeply immersed in my thoughts, I was oblivious to his arrival.

“Hey,
no boat. How did you get here?”

“I borrowed Brad’s car. What are you reading?” Glancing at the book, his eyes widened, “Elizabeth Barrett Browning, a little more light reading?” he joked. “Very British of you.”

“Well, I am half English besides the class is called English Poets.”

Daniel sat down next to me and leaned in to see what poem I was reading. Embarrassed because this poem really affected me
, I blushed.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” he read and then he smiled at me. “I like that poem and all it implies.”

Staring into his eyes, I thought he was alluding to the fact that he loved me, but since he’d never even tried to kiss me, maybe I was wrong.

Luckily, Mom came out of the house just when
my insecurities were getting the better of me. Carrying three water bottles, she approached Daniel, smiling warmly. “Daniel, it’s so nice to see you.” She kissed him on the cheek. I was happy that she was being nice. “My mom told me you were a godsend when Amber was missing. Thank you so much.”

“Your welcome
.”

“Can you have dinner with us tonight?”

“Yes, I can, but Brad has other plans.”

“
Well, I’m glad that at least you can.” She handed each of us a water bottle and left to bring one to Grammy in the garden.

Suddenly
, Daniel seemed a million miles away.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, as he stared at me. I sensed he was about to say something
, but then nothing came out and he looked anxious. I got nervous and presumed that it had to be work related. “Did something happen? Are those men on Nassau Point?”

Daniel shook his head. “No. Everything’s fine. Can we go for a drive?”

“Sure, let me tell Mom.” I went to find her and she said to be back at six for dinner, so we had three hours to do whatever we wanted.

When I returned, Daniel was staring off into space, oblivious that I was back.

“We have to be back at six. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine
, but we need to talk. Let’s get out of here.” What was wrong with him? He was so distant.

“Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted.”
Einstein

Daniel drove out to the Point Beach at the end of Nassau Point Road. I hadn’t been there yet this summer. There were a few cars parked on the dead end road. When I got out of the car, Daniel reached for my hand and I relaxed feeling his touch. Hand-in-hand, we walked down the stairs to the beach and the silence was killing me.

I blurted out, “Did something happen? You’re beginning to freak me out.”

“I keep going over and over this discussion in my head, but there’s really no way to buffer what I need to tell you. Please, believe that I never meant to hurt you,” he said imploringly.

I was so confused and didn
’t want to presume anything, but his tone was so ominous.
Oh… no…he’s breaking up with me again.

“Can we sit down, over there?” he said, pointing to the left of the stairs. There were people near the steps
, but it was deserted further down. I stared at the shells and stones underfoot, trying to fathom what was going on. After we sat down, all I could do was gaze at the water, unable to look at him because I knew I’d cry.

“Can you look at me? I need to see your eyes,” Daniel pleaded.

I refused to look at him. Why make this about him and his needs? “I don’t think it’s necessary. Just go on and break up with me already. Why do you keep torturing me? I don’t understand,” I said, at the same trying to mentally shield myself from the oncoming heartache.

Daniel swung me around searching my face with his eyes. “I’m not breaking up with you! I need to tell you something and afterwards, you m
ight want to break up with me.”

“I don’t understand. What are you talking about?” I asked, baffled beyond belief. Me break up with him? That wasn’t a possibility.

“Last night, I realized that I couldn’t continue our relationship unless I told you everything,” he said tensely. I was scared to hear what he had to say. “I called James this morning and told him that I was telling you the truth. As my superior, he advised against it, but as a relative and on a personal level he understood. Since I have to go to DC anyway, I decided to tell you, see what your response is and then fix things if necessary.”

“Fix what and how?” I asked irritated by his mumbo jumbo.

“I have to tell you something and if you can’t handle it, I’ll understand. Just know that I’ve never told this to anyone and you must promise me that what you hear, you’ll never repeat.” All I could do was nod my head. “Let me start from the beginning.” Daniel took a deep breath. I tried encouraging him by rubbing his arm.

“Go ahead, tell me. We’ll figure it out. Don’t worry.” I braced myself.
How bad could this be?
Crazy things were running through my mind. Is he married? Does he have a baby?

Daniel sighed and continued, “My father and mother met when they were both at Oxford. Dad was a year older and after he graduated, he started working for a research laboratory. My mom joined him after she graduated.”

Both his parents were scientists. I knew that.

“Britain was the first country to seriously study the feasibility of nuclear weapons. As a result of those studies, a group of scientists invented something and broke off from the weapons studies. My parents worked for that div
ision and were involved with a new invention. A group of scientists including my parents moved to Washington DC to bring the invention to the US.” Daniel was watching my face as if something about the story should sound odd to me. It didn’t so he continued. “I was born in DC, my brother, James, was born in England.”

Brother? He never mentioned a brother. Maybe that’s the guy in the photo from Florence. “You never told me you had a brother.”

“Paige, James isn’t my uncle. He’s my older brother.” He watched my face with trepidation.

Uncomprehending, I sat there trying to unders
tand what he was talking about, but confusion was winning out on any logical explanation as to what he was saying.

“Were you or James adopted?”

“No, he’s my full brother,” Daniel said.

I started to realize that this was impossible. Did his mother freeze fertilized eggs? I wondered. “What are you talking about?” I asked totally confused. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Daniel succinctly said, “I was born on November 11, 1949…” He stared at me.

I realized that he’d said 1949.
1949?
“What are you saying? Is this a joke?”

“No its not. I was born in 1949.”
Daniel watched as the confusion swirled in my eyes.

How old was he?
I felt like hyperventilating. This wasn’t happening. He was older than my father! Stunned and incredulous, I gaped at him not grasping how this could be true.

“How is that possible? Your license said that you were nineteen,” I stammered and tears welled up in my eyes.

“I am. Let me explain.”

How could he look so young? Plastic surgery? I was inching away from him on the sand, sliding backwards, trying to get away. How could I have been this wrong about him?
Please wake up, Paige.
Why did my fairy tale have to turn into a nightmare?

“Please, let me finish,” Daniel sounded frantic.

“What else is there?” I screeched. Why was I starting to cry?  Getting angry with myself, I brushed the tears aside and stood up. I didn’t want to know anything more. My world was shattered and I felt pure and unadulterated fear. Was he a pedophile? He hadn’t even kissed me, so none of this made any sense.

Daniel
reached for me, but lowered his hands when I said threateningly, “Don’t touch me!”

“Please, let me tell you the rest,” he pleaded.

“Are you crazy?” I hissed through clenched teeth. Every emotion went through me: disbelief, confusion, sorrow and rage. “Why have you done this to me?” I screamed.

People on the beach were looking at us, noticing our raised voices
, but I didn’t care. At least there were witnesses because I was terrified of this man. Nothing, absolutely nothing, was making any sense. My first instinct was to run, but my feet weren’t moving. In a recent nightmare, there was a man pursuing me but even though I was running as fast as I could, I was stuck in place. This had to be a dream! All of this was impossible! Everything began spinning, and momentarily my mind blacked out. I stood there gawking at this stranger, trying to will myself to wake up. Opening and closing my eyes repeatedly wasn’t working.

“Please, calm down. I can explain everything.”

I had trusted him. How could he explain any of this? Daniel waited for me to compose myself and appeared taken aback by my anger. Reasoning was slowly coming back to me and I looked at him warily. Taking deep breaths to calm myself, I settled back onto the sand to the apparent relief of Daniel. I needed to know what he had to say. Whether it was morbid curiosity or plain hope that maybe he had a feasible story to explain this, I prepared myself to hear what he had to say.

“Okay, go ahead,” I said trying desperately to control my emotions. Holding my hand up, I instructed him to stay away from me. Daniel moved away and left enough space between us in the sand, so that I felt comfortable.

Daniel began, “I was born in 1949, but physically, I’m nineteen and will continue to be that age because of my job.”

“What are you talking about? You were born in 1949?”

“That’s the classified part that I need to tell you about.”

I stared at him trying to figure out how he could be so old. Nothing in his appearance fit the age that he was saying he was. I tried guessing. “Is this some science experiment?”  His uncle worked for the government, it was plausible. “Or did you guys discover the fountain of youth?”

“None of those things. You’re jumping to crazy conclusions and I have so much to tell you.”

“Okay, go on.” I sat there staring at his face and realized that somehow deep down I knew there was something extraordinary and unique about him. From the time I saw the photo of him in Florence, I had consciously avoided asking questions because I didn’t want to know the answers if it meant losing him. Crazy photos of him and fear for my life hadn’t deterred my wanting to know him. Neither had the disclosure of the surveillance equipment. I chose to close my eyes whenever Daniel said the word ‘classified.’ I could’ve walked away a long time ago and only did before because Daniel had pushed me away. Daniel was right. I needed to know what was going on. He was telling me, whether I was ready or not.

“I’m here from the past,” he said, in such a low tone that at first I thought I heard wrong.

“Did you say the past?”

“Yes.”

“You’re actually serious?” 

“Yes. The invention was a time machine.” He watched me as my eyes widened. “While working on nuclear power and Einstein’s theories of relativities, the secret of time travel was unearthed.” Daniel talked while I sat there spellbound. Scientific terms were being bandied about and I had no idea what he was saying. Time travel was foremost on my mind and thoughts of that took precedence over the theories involved in creating it. Who cared about the specifics? A time machine! Suddenly, all those crazy comments alluding to the future that Daniel and James had made in the past made sense.