Embracing My Submission (6 page)

“I can’t.”
And with a pained expression, he evaporated.

~*~

Waking with a start, I sat upright in bed. My mind felt fuzzy, thick with fog from my dream. My heart squeezed bittersweet. He’d felt so real. Then the memory of his parting words and the misery reflected in his eyes crushed my soul. Without pause, the ghost woman’s words filtered through my head.

“What horrible price do I have to pay? What the hell is she talking about? He may not be ready. That’s the story of my life.” I exhaled a deep sigh, wondering if the damn dreams meant anything or if they were my inner desires manifesting in my sleep.

Glancing at the clock, I saw it was six thirty in the morning. It was far too early to try and analyze something that probably didn’t mean a damn thing, except that I was a certifiable basket case and should seek professional help.

Maybe I should make an appointment with Master Tony. He was a Dominant and a shrink, I bet he could figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I dismissed the option as quickly as it fluttered through my brain. I had no intention of spilling my guts to anyone about my abnormal dreams. I’d somehow figure it out, hopefully.

By ten o’clock, I was on my fifth cup of coffee and my second set of aspirin. My phone seemed to ring non-stop, and I had vowed no more shots of Crown the rest of my natural born days.

Clients irate over pestering notices from the IRS kept me busy. While I loved being a CPA, there were days like today that I wondered why I’d not chosen the carefree occupation of a garbage collector.

This is why you make the big bucks, baby!

The phone rang again. I snatched it up, bracing myself for another IRS crisis.

“Lunch. Maurizio’s. Noon. I’m buying. Don’t be late.” Without waiting for my reply, Drake hung up.

“Son of a bitch!” Squeezing the bridge of my nose between my finger and my thumb, I groaned. This was not going to be fun. And I
really
didn’t want to deal with Drake today. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was already eleven thirty. I slung my purse over my shoulder and raced out the door.

~*~

The scowl on Drake’s face, accompanied with dull, unreadable eyes, told me I was in deep shit. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to determine he was not happy to see me, not in the least. It was time to pay the piper, or in this case, a very pissed off Dom. I glanced over and nodded to Scotty, who was once again behind the bar. He flashed a bright, happy smile and nodded back.

Two heaping plates of lasagna sat untouched at the table, and my stomach rolled. Before I was even seated, Drake’s eyes leveled on me. “Do you want me to rescind my protection? If you do, just say the word.” His brows were drawn together in a menacing scowl, and there was no doubt he was in full, badass Dom mode.

“No!” I protested with a soft shiver and then plopped down across from him in the booth. “Why would you ask such a thing?”

“Your behavior screams otherwise.” His lips were a tight line as his steel-gray eyes ruthlessly drilled into mine.

“Look, I’m sorry I ran out last night. I couldn’t handle everything that happened. I needed air and time to think. I couldn’t get that at the club.”

“I’m listening,” he growled impatiently.

“I kept screwing up everything with Jordon. You may not believe me but I tried to make a good impression. Honest to God I did. He’s...there’s something about him. I wanted to explore the possibility that maybe...Fuck. Why couldn’t things be different?” I struggled to put my feelings into words. Most times I had no trouble whatsoever blurting out every little emotion or thought, but today I couldn’t seem to make heads or tails of my choking chaos.

Drake stared at me, not saying a word.

“Damn it, Drake. Stop it. Stop looking at me like you’re going to explode. Let me try to explain how I feel, would you please?” I begged quietly.

“Take all the time you need.
I
don’t plan on running away unlike someone
else
I know.”

Now he was acting like a patronizing parent. “That’s not fair,” I huffed. “Last night was a disaster. No matter how hard I tried, everything I did just kept turning to shit. I kept stepping out on the wrong foot the entire night. And the molehill I made soon became a goddamn mountain. First, I spilled my drink, almost drenching him. Then he followed me back to your room and berated me for not answering his question like I was some newbie playing games with him. It pissed me off.”

Drake sat listening to me with an unreadable expression as I flailed my explanation.

“I...I accidently snapped at him, that was all. I wasn’t trying to be
recalcitrant
, like he accused me of. There was no way I could confess to him that I had no owner. It would have made me look more pathetic than I already am. But I ended up telling him anyway, reaffirming my pathetic ineptness.” Swallowing the lump in my throat, I gritted my teeth to keep from breaking down and bawling like a baby in the restaurant.

“Suffering from feelings of inadequacy still, girl?” He arched his brows.

Trying not to scream in frustration, I inhaled deeply. Not only was he pissed off, he was pissing me off as well. He was hitting below the belt by slinging my insecurities back in my face.

I took another deep breath, and tried to curb my seething anger. “Nearly every sub at that club has a Dom or Domme, except me. You have no idea what it’s like to be pitied by them and how belittling it feels to catch their patronizing glances.” Placing my hand over my heart, I slathered my words in mock sarcasm. “‘Oh, poor Emerald. The girl tries and tries but can’t find one who’ll take her. There must be something horribly wrong with her, bless her little heart.’” I slapped my hand on the table as I leaned in, scowling right back at Drake. “Do you have any idea how pathetic that makes me feel? No. You couldn’t possibly know.” As tears once again stung my eyes, I tried to hold them back, but my control was quickly unraveling like a tattered thread. I took a deep breath.

“You have no idea how shameful it was to confess to a Dom who made my stomach flutter and my heart pound like a lovesick school girl that I don’t have an owner. And then
you
. You taunted me. Promised me that I could...well you know.” I took a nervous glance around the nearby tables, praying my voice wasn’t carrying over the entire restaurant. “You lured me into believing I could relieve some sexual frustration, and in a matter of seconds, you had me looking like an even bigger fucking failure. You dangled that orgasm in front of my face like a damn carrot only to snatch it back. It hurt Drake. You humiliated me in front of Jordon, and you hurt my feelings.” Tears brimmed my eyes as I hung my head in defeat.

There was a long pause, as if Drake were gathering his thoughts. I didn’t look up at him partly out of embarrassment, partly out of fear. Finally he spoke, low and soft.

“First of all, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. That was never my intent. I know how you feel about humiliation, and I vowed long ago not to push that button with you. It serves no positive purpose. That’s more than obvious right now. But think of how
I
felt hearing you’d been disrespectful to a guest. First impressions count for a hell of a lot in our lifestyle, not to mention I’ve trained you better than that.” His tone was hushed but laced with displeasure. “Do you honestly believe
anyone
at the club thinks there’s something wrong with you, let alone makes the kind of comments you imagine they do?”

Without waiting for me to answer, he continued. “If there were something that made you remotely undesirable, I’d damn well correct it. I may not own you, but I
am
responsible for your actions and those involving you. If you’re too goddamn mouthy, which you are, it’s
my
obligation to correct it. If you’re too goddamn hardheaded, which you are, it’s
my
obligation to correct that, too. The only problem keeping you from finding a Dominant is reining in your fucking pride.”

“I’m not giving that up, Drake. I may be a submissive, but I’ll be damned if I ever lose myself again. I’ve been there, done that, and by God, I
won’t
do it again. I refuse to be some asshole’s doormat. If losing my pride and self-respect is the only way I can be a good sub then fuck it, I’m done.”

“I’m not asking you to do that, and you damn well know it. Submission doesn’t mean doormat, and you know that, too.” He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. “You have to knock down the walls you hide behind in order to fully submit. You have to release your pride.
Release it,
not lose it. Sometimes you have to take a chance, yeah, a big fucking chance, that a
real
Dominant will find you. And that he’ll cherish your gifts and
not
fuck you over. It’s called gaining and earning trust. You can’t automatically judge every damn Dom based on one bad experience. Especially when you
now
know you were partially to blame.”

His words stung like a fat slap across the face. It took every ounce of willpower I possessed not to storm out of the restaurant. And I would have if he’d not unequivocally hit the nail on the head. He was right. I was hiding behind my walls, ensconced in a heavy cloak of pride. Expecting the worst and at least on some obscure, unconscious level, sabotaging any real chance to achieve what I longed for the most.

Sometimes self-realization was a butt-ugly bitch.

“Do you understand what I’m saying to you?”

“I’m not stupid.” Of course I understood, but it didn’t mean I had to like it.

“No, you’re not stupid.” He flashed a scowl. “And since you don’t want to rescind my protection, and since I
am
the one you’ve designated to correct your rueful behavior, I fully intend to do that tonight.” His eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared as he struggled to keep his voice low and controlled.

“You will come to the club dressed for a session. You will arrive at exactly seven o’clock, and you will wait for me in my private room. Alone. Trevor will not be allowed to visit you. He’ll work your shift at the front door and you, my dear, will make amends to me. However
I
see fit. Is that understood? Unless, of course, you want me to release you from my care.” An evil glimmer reflected in his eyes.

I swallowed tightly. “I’ve told you, I don’t want that. I will meet you tonight at seven o’clock in your room.” Trepidation replaced my fury.

“And?”

“I will accept your punishment.”

His brows rose in silent question.

“Sir.”

“And?” he asked in a perturbed tone.

“And...and I don’t want to give up your protection, Daddy.” I whispered in shame.

“And?”

“I don’t know what else you want me to say...Sir.” I lowered my head as my brain raced, clueless as to what requisite of his I’d not fulfilled.

“And you will
never, ever
run from me or my instruction again. Or trust me, girl, I
will
release you to the wolves.”

“Oh. No, Sir. I won’t do that again. I promise.”

“Good. Now let’s eat,” he said with a broad smile.

Eat? Was he kidding? My stomach was swirling like a Tilt-A-Whirl, pitching and rolling in a riotous swell. Fixated on what he’d planned to do to me, an assortment of painful scenarios flashed in my mind as my heart drummed solidly.

“Is it going to be painful, Daddy?”

“Indeed.” He nodded with an evil smirk.

I scowled, desperate to push the fearsome thoughts from my mind. I’d never been punished before. I’d never crossed a line so vehemently that I’d needed to bear a punishment. Guilt and fear consumed me as tears burned in my eyes.

“I’m sorry.” My voice cracked as I looked up at Drake.

“I believe you are, girl.” His expression was somber. “You’re still going to be punished.”

“Yes, Sir.” I nodded, clutching my fork. The sauce-covered noodles blurred as I blinked back the tears pooling in my eyes.

“You know I love you.” Drake’s tone softened as he reached across the table and caressed my hand.

Tears spilled over my lashes as I nodded. Fighting back the sob burning in the back of my throat, I looked into his eyes. “I don’t deserve you or your love.”

“No. You deserve someone far better than me.”

I slowly shook my head as tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Yes, you do honey. I knew you longed for a Dominant, but I hadn’t realized you felt so unfulfilled without one. I know I can’t give you everything you crave. We discussed the limits of our arrangement when I first offered to be your protector and mentor. I’m sorry for not being able to provide all you need.” He squeezed my hand as a deep sorrow filled his eyes.

“I should have told you how bad the void inside me had gotten.” I sniffed, wiping away my tears.

“Yes, you should have. And it shows I’ve been entirely too lax.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I’ve taken for granted the expectation that you’d communicate with me. Obviously I’m not properly caring for you because you’re hiding emotions from me.” Dipping his head, he raised his brows. His gray eyes penetrated, emphasizing his point. “Tell me about your feelings toward Jordon. Why him? What makes you want to give him your power? He’s an unknown Dom of the club. Unknown to me and to you.”