Embracing Darkness (70 page)

The boys and I, along with Jessie, deliberated up in the tree the next day. I felt the guiltiest because I had been alone with Ziggy in the bathroom with the door locked. To my relief no one accused me of being responsible for Ziggy’s dying during my shift, yet they all knew in their hearts that it was I who had dropped the ball. It could have been no one else’s fault but mine alone. I had been the one to fail Ziggy and cause more misery for my brothers and sister than they needed or deserved. Lou mentioned that the door was open when he found Ziggy and that I was asleep on the floor next to the body.

“The door was open?” I asked Jordan privately after our meeting. I hadn’t thought of that detail before. Amid all the confusion when I woke up, I’d assumed that Lou had opened the door.

“Did you see anything at all strange that night?” asked Jordan.

I was about to mention Jack White’s door but then thought the gang would surely blame me for Ziggy’s death if there were a possibility that Jack White had something to do with it. What’s more, I didn’t want fingers pointed at Jack White. We were well aware that there was no proof either of his involvement or of a crime’s having been committed. And we all knew that Jack White was insane enough to come after us if we even mentioned that he could have been involved. I thus kept quiet. Still, I didn’t like the thought of that door’s being open when Lou found Ziggy, since to my knowledge only Father Fin and Sister Ignatius had keys to all the doors in the rectory.

In the end we decided that, as much as we wanted Jack White to pay for what had happened to Ziggy, it appeared to be nothing more than a tragic accident.

Jessie got down from the tree and went inside the rectory. She wasn’t feeling up to spending an extended amount of time with us. This was understandable because we knew that she was still uneasy about boys and men. As she closed the front door to the rectory, Jessie observed the small hallway along which lay Father Poole’s office.

She thought for a brief moment that she should go back into Father Fin’s office and tell him what had happened to her in her own words. For a minute she felt strong again, but she knew that Father Fin seemed disconnected from her misery, and she couldn’t understand why he seemed unwilling to hear about its cause.

I’m
not
his
little
girl
anymore
, thought Jessie as she avoided the office.

Walking toward the staircase, she put her foot on the first step and gripped both railings. “Billy,” she said, beginning to weep. “Oh Billy, where are you?” Just then Jessie was startled by a poking on her behind. At first she assumed the worst and believed it to be her attacker. She fell forward onto the stairs and screamed while turning around. To Jessie’s relief the perpetrator was her dog.

“General!” she said, relieved. “Come here.” Jessie put her hands out, and he came to her dutifully, as he always had, although now with an arthritic limp. She hugged him, kissed his nose, and let him lick her face. “Oh baby,” Jessie whispered, “you’re the only guy who’d never hurt me, aren’t you?”

Jumping up from the stairs, she said in her cheeriest voice in weeks, “Let’s play Hide and Seek!” She saw one of the General’s play toys, which was nothing more than an old doll of Jessie’s that had lost a button eye and left arm. She threw it into the dining room, and the dog limped after it as fast as he could. This was Jessie’s cue to hide. She ran into the common room and hid on the side of the couch opposite the entranceway. Within seconds General Lee came running in with the doll in his mouth to where Jessie was hiding and dropped the doll onto the floor.

“NO FAIR!” Jessie screamed playfully. “YOU KNOW THIS HIDING SPOT TOO WELL!”

She grabbed the doll and ran out of the room, with General Lee struggling to keep up with her but not allowing the pain to slow him down. He doubled his efforts to catch up.

They went about the same routine several times. Jessie hid under the dining-room table, in the first-floor bathroom, on the far side of the piano, and even once behind the dining-room curtains. On the sixth round she again threw the doll into the dining room. While General Lee went for it, she decided to give him a challenge by hiding in the closet with the door slightly ajar. She waited, laughing under her breath and holding her hand over her mouth so the dog wouldn’t hear her. After about a minute Jessie began to think that perhaps the closet was too difficult a place for General Lee to find her.

“GENERAL!” she shouted, but he didn’t come. “GENERAL, COME!” she shouted even louder.

Jessie walked into the dining room and around the table where, lying next to the doll, was General Lee with his eyes closed as though asleep. “General?” Jessie whispered. He didn’t move. A tear ran down her cheek as she realized that the dog she’d loved for the last six years had played his last game.

Father Poole helped Jessie to bury her dog behind the Benson house. The two didn’t speak during the whole affair, and again Father Poole felt uneasy about Jessie’s silence. When General Lee’s remains were completely covered, the priest asked Jessie whether she’d like him to say a prayer. She quickly protested, asking what good would come of it because her dog would still be dead tomorrow and the next day. She even made reference to Ziggy, asserting that no prayer had made
him
come back. And had prayer helped her, she asked, when she was being attacked? Where then was God?

After placing a rose from the Benson garden on top of her dog’s grave, Jessie closed her eyes, bowed her head, and abruptly turned to leave.

“Where are you going?” said Father Poole.

“Inside,” replied Jessie disinterestedly. “I’m getting hot.”

Father Poole’s patience with her detachment was at an end. He knew he’d have to confront it sooner or later and figured now was as good a time as any. “What did I do to you?” he called out to Jessie as she was about to turn the corner of the Benson house.

She stopped in place, froze, and looked to her feet. “What do you mean?” she answered.

“We used to be closer than this,” replied the priest. “Why have you shut me out?”

“Close?”

“Yes. We were like a family.”

“How?”

Father Poole paused, not knowing quite how to respond. He took a deep breath. “I know you’re upset about your dog… .”

“It’s not just the dog,” Jessie said angrily, turning around to face him. “I’ve been like this for weeks. I was attacked. ATTACKED! And you didn’t even try to find out what happened to me. You didn’t want to report it to the police, and you didn’t bring a doctor up here to tend to me. It’s as though you want to protect the man who did it. Either that or you just don’t care!”

The priest ran over to her and grabbed her by the arms. “That’s not true! I’m trying to protect you.”

“From what?” cried Jessie, sounding lost.

“From what people might think.”

Jessie’s first impulse was to spit in Father Poole’s face, but she promptly calmed down. Still, she looked into Phineas’s eyes with such contempt and animosity that she didn’t even hear what she said next. “Maybe you just don’t want people to think it was
you
who did it!”

“JESSICA BENSON!” Father Poole screamed.

“It’s true!” she said, beginning to cry. “I… I don’t know who did it either. I don’t trust anyone. I’m afraid of all of you. No matter how I try to tell myself that it could never be you or my brothers, it’s not enough. Ever since Sis left, things have gone wrong, almost as though whoever attacked me waited for her to leave because he knew how she she’d never let anything bad happen to me. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HE GOT ME? YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!”

All of these accusations danced around like wildfire in Jessie’s brain, and without thinking she shouted, “MAYBE I’M RIGHT! MAYBE YOU
DO
KNOW WHO DID IT, AND YOU’RE TRYING TO PROTECT HIM!”

Phineas couldn’t control himself. He swung his hand back and slapped Jessie hard. When he released her with his other hand, she backed away, stumbling, and held her hand up to her cheek.

“Jessie,” Father Poole said. “I’m so sorry.”

She only shook her head slowly, still backing away from him, before turning and running into the house. He called for her to come back, but she kept running and never looked back.

Things between Father Poole and the rest of us were strained, to say the least. Over the next few weeks he sometimes left us in the care of Mrs. Keats for the entire day. Apparently he figured that, with Ziggy gone and the youngest ones now seven and eight, we wouldn’t need as much supervision as before.

We assumed that Father Fin was going to Exeter to see Sister Ignatius, and as much as we all wanted to go with him in order not to be left alone on the hill with Jack White, we agreed to stay behind.

Father Fin knew how we resented him for repeatedly leaving us, so he began to avoid us, sneaking out early in the morning and not returning until late each night. We expected that he would appoint Mrs. Keats as our guardian in his absence, but unbeknownst to us Father Poole turned to Jack White for this responsibility.

The priest had asked him one morning in early September when he saw White out on the lawn doing sit-ups.

“Ninety-one, ninety-two, ninety-three,” grunted the stranger, dripping with sweat.

“Good morning, Jack!” said Father Poole.

The man ignored him and continued counting. “Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight.”

“I’m going on some business for the entire day down in Exeter.”

“One hundred,” Jack White said, falling back on the grass and panting.

“You know,” Father Poole continued, “Mrs. Keats is not exactly the best person to put in charge of the boys. Would you mind watching them today for me?”

The stranger stopped panting. He pondered for several seconds before his expression brightened. “I’ll be glad to watch over your boys, Father,” said the man, no longer disguising his southern accent. “I’ll watch over everyone for you, including the little lady.”

“Thank you, my son,” he replied, shaking Jack White’s sweaty hand.

We were all up in the tree that morning when we heard Jack White screaming out our names as he approached the maple. We worried that he was going to do something to us while Father Poole was off the hill.

“Where are you, little piggies?” he called.

None of us answered.

“Come to me, little piggies! COME TO ME! I know you’re all up there. Come to me! I only wanna be friendly.”

“You go away, mister!” Charlie Ryder said bravely. “We don’t want trouble.”

“Is that Charlie Ryder?” said the man. “Little man, I don’t appreciate your tone of voice. Perhaps you need me to kick your nuts a little harder this time. Come on down here! Let me show you how friendly I can be with y’all.”

“Leave them alone!” a voice said from behind the stranger.

We all moved through the leaves and branches to see what was going on. The stranger slowly looked to see who it was standing behind him.

Zachary Black’s expression became stone-cold when he saw Jessie. “Excuse me, beautiful? What was that?” he said.

“You heard me. I told you to leave them alone.”

“I see,” he began. “And what are you going to do if I don’t? Beat me up?” Zachary then tore off his shirt, exposing his bare chest, and threw it angrily to the ground.

Even from high up in the tree we could see the muscles that were a testimony to his brute strength. It was one of the things that made us so terrified of him. The lot of us together weren’t a match for him.

“You haven’t answered me, girl,” continued Zachary Black. “How are you going to stop me?”

As he began walking slowly toward her, Jessie pulled out from behind her a rifle that had belonged to her grandfather. Zachary Black stopped and stared at the gun pointed at his head.

“Mister,” she began, “ever since you got here terrible things have happened. I don’t know who it was that attacked me or Sue Ellen, but as far as I’m concerned anyone who goes around looking to hurt one of my brothers is at the top of a very short list. Father Fin may want you here, but we don’t. So while he’s gone, why don’t you make yourself scarce before I have to show you how determined I am to use this rifle on you?”

“Are you going to shoot me?” replied Black. “I’m not afraid to die. The thing is, are any of you?” He turned his attention back up to us in the tree, and again we froze, afraid even to breathe.

“Leave,” Jessie demanded.

Zachary Black picked up his torn shirt and slowly walked away.

Jumping down from the tree, we thanked Jessie for coming to our rescue, all except Theo who was furious with her. “What’th the matter with you, Jeth? He’th gonna have it out for you!”

“I’m not afraid of him,” she replied. “It’s funny. After it happened, after the… .” She paused. “After
it
I’m not afraid of anything anymore. I mean, nothing can scare me now. I should have answered ‘No’ to his question.”

“What do you mean?” asked Jordan.

“I’m not afraid to die,” Jessie replied.

As we filed inside Theo decided to stay by the maple with Jessie. His concern for her wellbeing grew after she’d brandished that rifle in front of Jack White. “I don’t care anymore, Theo.”

“I don’t want you to get him angry.” replied Theo. “I’ve theen what he can do.”

“He attacked me.” Jess confessed. “I’m almost sure it was him.”

“I think tho too. In fact, we all believe that. But…”

Neither one had to say it. No one was going to accuse Jack White of anything, least of all Jessie, who was less afraid for herself than she was for her brothers. If it
were
Jack White, then he must have also been responsible for little Ziggy’s death. She couldn’t bear losing another brother. For his part, Theo remembered Jack White’s previous threat about slitting everyone’s throat in their sleep. Theo knew the stranger to be in deadly earnest.

It was quiet on the hill at dusk. Dinner was served in the rectory, where Mrs. Keats ate with Jack White and us boys. While we had our Yankee stew, White angrily hummed his “Piggies” tune, putting us all except for Mrs. Keats on edge. We could hear him breathing heavily, a sign that some kind of fury was brewing inside him. The stranger finished his dinner long before we were even halfway through ours. He then pushed his chair back violently and stormed out of the rectory.