Embittered Ruby (22 page)

“Stop scratching, sweetie.”

Who was that woman talking to her? Why were they holding her hands so tight? “It itches. What’s going on?”
Make it stop
.

“She’s waking up.” The same woman spoke again.

“Hey, babe. Can you hear me?”

Nate’s voice. He was there.

“Why do I itch so bad?” She tried to open her eyes, but the room was so bright.

“You had an allergic reaction to the morphine. The itching should start to go away soon. We gave you some Benadryl.”

Morphine? Carmen looked up at the nurse. “What happened?”

The nurse looked beyond Carmen and nodded to Nate.

He stepped to the bedside and took Carmen’s hand. “You…had an accident. You started bleeding. You were…very sick. We…” He begged the nurse with his eyes.

If Nate couldn’t bring himself to tell her, then her worst fears were confirmed. “The baby?”

Nate shook his head.

“Sweetheart, you were hemorrhaging. You could have died. There was nothing we could do at that point.” The nurse patted Carmen’s arm just below the IV.

Carmen placed her hand on her lower abdomen where she’d only recently noticed the changes signaling the growing life. “Is it…Did you…Will I…?” How could she ask some stranger to confirm her dead baby was no longer inside her? But she already knew.

“It’s all over, sweetie. You’re going to be sore for a few days. And you’re going to stay here at least overnight to receive fluid and possibly more blood. But the hard part is over.”

That’s what she thought. Carmen nodded and rolled to her side.

Nate came around to the other side of the bed and crouched down to Carmen’s eye level.

No. Not now. She couldn’t deal with Nate being sweet to her right then. Not after all she’d put him through. She needed peace and blessed sleep. She fluttered her eyes and pretended to drift off.

“Poor dear. She’s had a tough time of it.” The nurse reached over Carmen’s head from behind her and dimmed the overhead lights.

“Yes, she sure has.” Nate sighed. “Do you think she’ll sleep for a while?”

“Oh yes. Morphine was enough to knock her out, but then the Benadryl to fight the allergy will do an even better job of it.”

“Okay, I’m going to go get something to eat. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“You take your time, honey. She’ll be out for hours.”

Not likely. Carmen’s guilt pummeled her brain. If she could ever manage to fall asleep, it would be sweet relief from the pain she felt and the pain she’d caused. But there was no way her body would…

Carmen’s eyes blinked open.

Darkness filled the room.

She let her eyes flutter closed again. What time was it? Had she actually slept? It felt like someone was in the room with her, but she didn’t want to move. The peaceful quiet felt too good to destroy.

“You awake?”

Mom. What did she know? Had she been told about the baby? Carmen opened her eyes and searched for her mom.

They locked eyes.

Carmen swallowed. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Neither do I.” Mom smiled softly and tightened her skirt against the back of her legs then sat on the edge of the bed. “I hadn’t seen this coming at all. I sort of feel like a fool. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you—I was so clueless.” Mom’s face morphed as her emotions went through the spectrum.

“It’s not your fault, Mom. I’m sorry that you were blindsided by all of this. It really wasn’t fair to you.”

“No. It wasn’t fair.” Mom smoothed her pink suit lapel. “I have to ask you some things, Carmen. I’m sorry to throw this at you in the middle of all you’re going through. But the police came to see me twice, I spoke with your father and Tiffany on the phone, and I’ve pieced some things together myself. All I need from you are some yes or no answers, okay?”

“K.” If it weren’t for the sound of her heartbeat, Carmen would swear time stood still.

“Were you involved in a gang fight yesterday?”

Carmen nodded. What must Mom think of her?

“Did you place an anonymous emergency call to report the shooting?”

Carmen nodded. How could she have abandoned Diego?

“Did you get pregnant on purpose so Nate would marry you and you could move out?”

Carmen brought her hands to her face and sobbed. This was the worst one. “Yes. But please don’t tell Nate. Please. He’ll never forgive me.”

Mom’s face turned white.

A throat cleared on the far side of the room.

Nate stepped from the shadows. “Too late.”

“Hi, pumpkin.” Dad stroked Carmen’s head as she woke from a nap.

Tiffany, Kim, and Harper stood in front of her hospital bed, each holding two helium-filled balloons shaped like a different animal.

“What’s the big celebration?” Carmen jerked her head toward the balloons. “I don’t feel much like a party.”

“Just trying to make you feel better. Balloons always make me happy.” Harper reached her arms around her sister. “Are you okay?”

“Physically, I’m going to be fine, the doctors say. We’ll talk about the other stuff later.”

Dad looked at Mom. “Where’s Nate?”

She shrugged. “He left awhile ago.”

“He won’t be back.” Carmen pulled a pillow over her face. Why didn’t they all just leave? Couldn’t they see that the last thing she wanted to do was make conversation? She needed time to think. Cry. Pray.

Yes, pray. It was probably past time for praying. She had sure made a big mess of things trying to go it alone. She had no one to blame but herself. At least if she’d been praying all along, she and God would have had a share in the blame.

Mom slipped the strap of her purse over her shoulder. “I’m going to get some air and leave you all to your little party. But I have a few things I want to say first, and I want every one of you to hear it.”

She took a deep breath. “I’m sickened—disgusted, actually—that you people did all of this behind my back. I’m so angry that you”—she jabbed her finger at Dad and Tiffany—”didn’t respect my position as her mother enough to include me on something as grave as a pregnancy.”

Dad nodded and looked down. “You’re right. I’m really sorry, Pam.”

Mom turned to Carmen. “And I’m furious you would visit a doctor and discuss details about your pregnancy with her”—another poke at Tiffany—”instead of me. I’m angry, and I’m crushed. But most of all, I’m terrified at what’s happened to the people I’ve given my life to love. How you all could make the choices you’ve made lately”—she looked pointedly at Dad—”is beyond me.” She spun from the room and slammed the door behind her.

Say something. Someone. Anyone
. The silence in the room was too much.

Hot tears squeezed from Carmen’s eyes and fell to the pillow in big droplets. “Can you guys just go? I’m not feeling very good.”
Please, just leave. Don’t talk. No hugs. No lengthy goodbyes
. Carmen didn’t open her eyes, but heard lots of movement going on around her. When she peeked, the door was closing. They were gone.

Carmen closed her eyes.

A slight rap sounded on the door. They’ve got to be kidding. What now? “Come in.” Just make it quick.

Nate. Oh, Nate. He came. Carmen reached a hand toward him. “Nate, I…I’m so sorry.”

“Save it.” He ignored her hand. “Listen. I am so angry and hurt, I don’t even know why I’m back here, where I waited hours for you to wake up because I was so worried about you, only to find out…” Nate whipped his head from side to side as though trying to reset an Etch A Sketch.

Should Carmen speak? Maybe it would be better to stay silent.

“I loved you. I loved you so much I chose you over my family. I thought we’d grow old together—I wanted that. I thought you did, too.”

“I did. More than anything.” Carmen’s stomach was hollow from the life ripped from within and from the dashed hope standing right before her.

“Not enough. Not enough to trust me. Not enough to let me decide for myself. You wanted things your way at any cost. And it wound up costing us everything.”

“Can you ever forgive me?”
Please say yes. Please say we can keep trying. Please make another miracle happen
.

“I believe one day I will forgive you enough not to hate you. But I will never be able to love you like I once did. Never.” He wiped his eyes as the tears fell.

Carmen squeezed her eyes closed. So much pain.

“I just came here to say my piece and to ask for the ring back. It’s only right.”

Oh no. She had to take off the ring. So final. Carmen lifted it in front of her face and stared at it to burn its facets into her memory. Proof she’d once been truly loved. She slipped the ring off her finger and reached it out to him.
Please let our skin touch one more time
. She only wanted to feel that electricity one more time.

Nate held his hand below hers and waited for her to let it fall.

Okay. Have it your way
. She released the ring and watched his strong hand swallow it whole.

Done.

He gazed into her eyes for one brief moment then spun away and left. Forever.

Carmen’s throat constricted around sobs that bellowed to the surface. When they finally popped through, they wracked her body like aliens. She shook from head to toe. The only thing that offered comfort was the moans. They started in her belly and flew past her heart, escaping with some sliver of the pain on their wings.

Maybe one day they’d carry it all away.

I
’m sorry, Carmen, but you can’t come back home.”

Her mother stood in Carmen’s living room for the first time ever. The same room she was meant to share with Nate. The one to which he’d never return.

“Mom. You can’t be serious.” Carmen’s stomach churned. “What do you mean I can’t come back home?” How could a mother do such a thing to her own daughter after all that had happened? Carmen couldn’t stay here. Not where she and Nate had meant to be a family. She couldn’t afford the rent anyway. Was she going to have to live with Dad and Tiffany?

“Listen, I’d like nothing more than to go back to the way things were before all of this garbage of the past few months. But we can’t pretend it didn’t happen.” She shook her head. “I’m worried about you, and there are more important things at stake than just having you back at home like nothing’s changed.”

“What are you talking about?” Carmen’s heart threatened to jump out of her chest. She’d never live with Tiffany. Carmen couldn’t do it. Mom wouldn’t expect her to, would she? Was this because she was angry? Jealous?

“There are deeper issues at stake, and I can’t pretend these things didn’t happen. The reprehensible choices you’ve made…You were so desperate for a way out, you tricked your boyfriend into getting you pregnant. You moved out of our home and into an apartment with him. You’ve been involved in gang activity. People almost died. A baby did die.” Her knuckles popped one at a time as she ticked the list off on her fingers. “Not to mention all you’ve been through personally this year: a divorce, a move, a new school, a pregnancy, a miscarriage, a breakup…the list goes on and on.” Mom swiped at a stream of tears marking cracks in her foundation.

“You think I don’t know all of that?” Carmen jumped up; her chair banged on the linoleum in the dinette where she’d been sitting. “Don’t forget to add rejected by my mom to the list.” How could she? “I lose my baby, my fiancé, and my mother in the same week? Just months after I lost my dad? How could you do this to me? I thought, of everyone, you’d be the one to stand by my side.”

“I’m not rejecting you, sweetheart. I’m getting you the help you need, if you’ll take it.”

“What are you talking about? Counseling?” Carmen saw herself spending hours during the next months—make that years—camped out on a shrink’s couch.

“I’m sure counseling will be part of it. But there has to be more. Remember the group of girls who came to church awhile back?”

Alarm bells rang in Carmen’s ears. She crossed her arms on her chest. “Which girls?”

“Come on, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The group from Diamond Estates. They gave their testimonies the first week we visited the church.”

“What about them? Didn’t you think they were a little wacko?” Anything to keep the conversation from arriving at its predictable destination.

“No, actually. I thought those girls had been through a lot and had found God’s grace and mercy on the other side. Exactly what I want for you.”

“So you’re saying I have to go there?”

“What I’m saying is, if you want to come home to live, you can only do it if you get help first. Right now Diamond Estates is the best way I can see how.” She stared at Carmen. “Or you can reject the help you need and go live with your dad.”

“Yeah, well, that’s not happening.” Not as long as Tiffany lived there.

Mom reached out a business card. “Here’s the phone number to Diamond Estates. I’ve spoken with Ben Bradley, the director. He’s happy to talk with you, but asked for you to be the one to call him.”

Ben Bradley, Director. Diamond Estates. Where the finest gems are pulled from the deepest roughs
. She couldn’t go to a place like that. What would people say? How would she explain it to Kim and Harper? What about Dad? Would he think she was crazy? Or maybe he already did.