Embassy War (3 page)

* * * * *

Something shiny caught the Intelligentsia officer’s rear eye. He turned and picked up a large diamond stud earring from the floor.
How beautiful and exotic, even if it is human pestilence in design,
he thought. The Intelligentsia officer attached the diamond stud to a spur of his exoskeleton near his hearing receptor – a trophy of war.

* * * * *

Two hours later, Legion attorney Anthony Depoli and I arrived at Intelligentsia State Security Headquarters to bail out Skyhook. Skyhook’s face was badly swollen from the beating, and he complained that his ribs were bruised. We sat down, surrounded by angry spider marines. A spider judge’s image appeared on a flat TV screen monitor hanging on the wall. The judge wore a pink wrinkled bathrobe and was brushing his fangs with one of our new electric toothbrushes.

“This proceeding will begin,” announced the judge, looking directly into the screen. “What does the human pestilence, Skyhook Johnson, have to say for himself?”

“Man, I didn’t do nothin’!” cried Skyhook. “You’re just pickin’ on me because I’m human!”

“I saw the game on TV,” responded the judge. “I find you guilty of assault on His Majesty, Our Sovereign Emperor For Life. How dare you! The human pestilence will be executed at dawn, as set forth earlier by Royal Decree.”

Spider marine guards immediately grabbed Skyhook.

“Wait!” shouted attorney Depoli, sliding a communications pad on the table in front of Skyhook. “Sign this!”

Skyhook signed the document without reading. The fine print was too small, anyway. “What was that?” asked Skyhook as he shoved a spider marine.

“Place your thumb on the ID space,” instructed Depoli.

Skyhook lunged forward, placing his thumb on the pad. A small pin prick splattered a droplet of blood across the glass. “Ouch!” exclaimed Skyhook as he was pulled back. “What was that all about?”

Depoli triumphantly waved the communications pad above his head for all to see.

“Your Honor, my client just enlisted in the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion and is presently assigned to Embassy security duty here on Arthropoda. By treaty, his new status as a legionnaire gives Skyhook Johnson diplomatic immunity!”

The spider marines backed away.

“Oh, hell, no!” said Skyhook, rising to his feet. “Somebody shoot me!”

“Are you serious?” asked the judge. “Mr. Johnson’s status is listed on his worker visa as temporary visitor. Manufacturing this phony ruse to avoid capital felony charges will not be accepted by the court.”

“I can assure you, Your Excellency,” I interrupted, “that Private Johnson’s enlistment is no ruse. Private Johnson has enlisted into the Legion for the duration. It is a capital offense for him to be absent without leave.”

“They just brought back slavery!” objected Skyhook. “I didn’t know what I was signing.” “Quiet,” whispered Depoli. “We are trying to save your life.” “Not by joining the Legion, you aren’t,” argued Skyhook. “Your Honor, I’m a conscientious objector.” “It appears Mr. Skyhook Johnson does not want to join your Legion,” commented the judge. “That doesn’t matter,” I replied. “The Legion is the same as your marines. Once you have enlisted, you’re in. There is no getting out for the duration of hostilities and until your enlistment has expired. Trust me, the latter never happens because the former never ceases. I should know.”

“I’ll show
you
hostilities!” threatened Skyhook, poking a long arm at me. I ducked away from his lunge.

“Case is dismissed, pending refiling of charges by the Emperor,” announced the judge, pounding a claw on his desk. “But the court will be monitoring Private Johnson’s Legion status before he is allowed to leave Arthropoda.”

“That is preposterous!” shouted the Intelligentsia officer. “The human pestilence lies. They always lie. They cannot help themselves. It is in their DNA to lie!”

“I am going back to bed,” advised the judge. “Do not wake me up in the middle of the night again!” The monitor went blank. “I want my stud back!” shouted Skyhook. “That fool is wearing my stud!” Enraged, the Intelligentsia officer drew his sidearm, aiming at Skyhook. I lunged, grabbing the Intelligentsia officer’s wrist, causing the bullet to go wide and strike attorney Depoli in the shoulder. Chaos and confusion ensued, followed by spider marines separating the Intelligentsia officer from Depoli and escorting both out the building. Medics returned Depoli to the USGF Embassy. Charges were not filed for the assault on Depoli. Spider prosecutors cited an obscure dueling statute that made it legal for plaintiffs and defendants to shoot attorneys. I wasn’t a lawyer, but it sounded like a reasonable law to me. The good news was that the Legion just got another fine new recruit, Private Skyhook Johnson. He had some rough edges, but I was sure he’d work out. Look at me. At first I did not want to join the Legion, but I turned out just fine.

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Chapter 4

The American Embassy on Arthropoda was a huge terrorist-proof fortress/bunker complex, surrounded by a berm and a twenty-foot wall. Inside, no expense was spared to provide staff all the comforts of home, including an Olympic-size swimming pool, a movie theater, library, tavern, cafeteria, rose garden, access to the Galactic Database, and a five-star McDonald’s Fine Dining Restaurant.

Even so, it was the nature of young legionnaires to get bored and feel the need to seek out the local hot spots. I routinely counseled legionnaires on the need for protection, while reminding them that each and every one of them was a high profile emissary of American culture and humanity. I led my men by setting a good example, not drinking or gambling to excess. However, lonely legionnaires far from home often made poor decisions, despite my best intentions.

I entered the Flaming Mantidae Bar & Grill to have a beer and listen to weird spider music. Being a master spy, mixing with the troops and interacting with spiders was part of my duties as commander.

Tonight, spiders and Legionnaires were partying amicably enough. No fights had broken out yet, but it was still early. I sat at a poker game in the corner.

“You have been playing very well,” complained Red Eye Jack, a spider regular at the Flaming Mantidae. “It is almost as if you could read our minds.”

“Are you accusing me of something?” I asked nervously, trying to stare down Red Eye Jack. It’s not easy staring down an alien staring back with eight eyes. I adjusted my sunglasses. “Or are you just trying to start a fight?”

“Let me see those glasses,” demanded Red Eye Jack. “I heard Legion officers are all cheaters.”

“If you think you can take my sunglasses, don’t let fear or common sense hold you back!” I replied, standing and posturing for the crowd.

A spider gave me a shove from behind and snatched my sunglasses. I fell across the poker table, scattering chips and money. Captain Perkins, playing at my side, broke a beer bottle over the spider’s head, then threatened Red Eye Jack with its jagged edges. Spider bouncers quickly threw a web over us, beating us down with batons and boots. Perkins, Red Eye Jack, and I were all wrapped in cocoons and left hanging upside down from the rafters. The injured spider, unconscious and bleeding, was tossed out the back door into the alley.

* * * * *

I had hoped to be able to keep an eye on my legionnaires tonight. No matter. I could still see most, albeit from an odd angle. Occasionally a spider would pass by to give me a push, amused by the human pestilence swaying back and forth.

Corporal Krueger, the shortest legionnaire in my command, and Corporal John Iwo Jima Wayne, the largest spider legionnaire, entered the Flaming Mantidae, looking for females. Krueger was already drunk. He waved, giving me the one-fingered salute.

* * * * *

“You’re my wingman,” advised Krueger, as he and Wayne approached the bar. A row of young exotic female spiders lined the bar. A spider bartender polished the wood bar top with a rag. Krueger leaned on the bar between two females and ordered. “We’ll both have vodkas!” Krueger nodded to the females and deftly asked, “Can I buy any of you lovely bugs a drink?”

“I do not drink nor date human pestilence fur balls,” replied the closest female, a red-shelled spider beauty adorned with pierced jewelry. “I am an old fashioned female. You smell awful. Go away!”

“Excuse my human pestilence friend,” apologized Corporal Wayne, stepping up to the plate. “Krueger cannot hold his liquor and has no manners. I love your stunning red exoskeleton. Is that your natural shell color? What is your name, and where have you been all my life?”

“My name is Fire Claw,” announced the female spider. “Obviously you have been with the human pestilence way too long, boldly making the first move. I am way too hot for either of you. Get lost!”

“Your lovely eyes are the most beautiful shade of orange in all the galaxy,” continued Wayne, not to be deterred. “They remind me of sunset on Mars. Are you wearing contacts? Your spiny legs are to die for. How about you and I hook up on the roof for some fresh air?”

Fire Claw slapped Corporal Wayne across his mandibles, knocking him into another female spider. Wayne looked up at his new desire. “I love the speckles you sprinkled on your antennae,” commented Wayne, lewdly. “May I touch?” Wayne got slapped again.

“You have to be smooth,” advised Krueger, consoling his friend. “Watch the master and learn.”

Krueger staggered down the bar line until stopping at a female spider sporting a Levi’s Hell’s Angels vest. “Do you like Harleys?” asked Krueger.

“Yes,” answered the spider biker babe. “What is it to you?”

“Me too,” replied Krueger. “Harleys are awesome. You love the feel of the road, and something exciting between your legs?”

SLAP!

“That was smooth?” chided Wayne, eying a perky black-clad platinum-yellow spider. He grabbed a segmented limb as she passed by. “You look just like my mother.”

“You are so sweet!” exclaimed the yellow female spider. “Do you two work at the American Embassy?”

“How can you tell?” slurred Krueger. “You look just like my mother, too, except for your red eyes, claws, and antennae. Got a sister?”

“Your Legion uniforms are a dead giveaway,” answered the yellow spider. “We are both Heroes of the Legion,” advised Wayne. Another yellow spider sat next to Krueger, seductively placing a claw on his knee. “They’re twins!” exclaimed Krueger. “Do you know Colonel Czerinski?” asked the new female spider. “He is such a beast.” “Oh sure,” bragged Krueger. “Me and Czerinski are buddies. He’s here, hanging around somewhere.” “That movie about Czerinski, ‘Massacre at Habitat #40,’ was so scary!” commented the first yellow spider. “It is one of the classic horror flicks of all time. Do you human pestilence really eat babies?”

“Only with tartar sauce,” replied Krueger.

“You little fur ball cutie,” gushed the yellow spider next to Krueger. “My favorite nightmare horror fantasy is to have sex with a human pestilence at your Embassy on top of Colonel Czerinski’s desk.”

“Not a problem,” said Krueger, paying the bartender for a six pack to go. He led the girls to the door.

“We cannot sneak bimbos into the Embassy,” protested Wayne, following. “It would be a serious breach of security. What if these two are spies or terrorists?”

“Then we will die happy,” replied Krueger, giving his date a kiss. She jumped into his arms, wrapping all eight limbs around Krueger as he carried her out the door. “You’re so hot, you can terrorize me any day.”

Wayne, intertwined with his new love, waved down a taxi. “To the Nest of Spies!” he ordered the cabbie. “Make it fast!”

* * * * *

“I am so excited!” gushed Wayne’s new girlfriend as they arrived at the front gate of the American Embassy. They were confronted by Corporal Tonelli and Private Johnson.

“Those two may not enter,” advised Guido. “No way in hell it’s going to happen.”

“It’s Saturday night, and Czerinski has his two favorite legionnaires doing guard duty,” taunted Krueger. “Why am I not surprised? How’s it hanging, Skyhook?”

“I will personally kick Czerinski’s ass for tricking me into joining the Legion,” groused Private Johnson. “Look at this uniform. It doesn’t even fit!” Skyhook held up sleeves that pulled up to his elbow.

“Maybe a spider uniform would fit better,” suggested Krueger. “Open the gate!”

“Spider civilians are not allowed inside without a pass,” insisted Guido. “Especially drunk female spiders.”

“These two spider hotties want to trash Czerinski” office,” advised Krueger in a hushed conspiratorial tone. “Come on, call it payback.”

Guido nodded to Corporal Wayne. “I can understand Krueger being this stupid, but what’s your excuse?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” replied Corporal Wayne, sheepishly. “They are hot, and twins. What do you care if we have some fun in Czerinski’s office? I will owe you one.”

“You may pass,” announced Skyhook, pressing the button that opened the front gate. “Trash Czerinski’s office good. Loose a nasty spider mess on his chair for me.”

Krueger and Wayne pushed past Guido with their dates in tow. Guido only gave a mild protest, resigned to the fact they would all probably be shot for treason in the morning.

Krueger kicked in the office door, rolling onto his commander’s desk with his wild yellow spider clutching him with all eight limbs. The entire sordid affair was recorded by a security camera and broadcast by hackers on the Galactic Database and the Spider TV Playboy Channel.