Elizabeth the First Wife (24 page)

“Wow, listen to you, Mr. Political Pundit!”
What did I have to offer Taz?
Not much, frankly. Except a good relationship with FX and a seventeen-year-old niece willing to run errands. That was a start, I guess. I could head into the crosswalk with that.

Rafa was plating his dinner like a
Top Chef
winner: a mound of spaghetti topped with fresh tomato sauce and a side of sautéed eggplant finished with a drizzle of olive oil, a handful of Parmesan, and a touch of fresh parsley. “Is that my parsley?”

Rafa nodded. “Do you mind?”

“Of course not. It's there to be eaten.”

He sat down on the stool, with his wine and his full plate, taking a bite. “I wish you could taste everything. Delicious.”

Believe me, Rafa, so do I.
So do I
. I was just about to dish up my sad little serving of summer squash when I heard footsteps on the front porch. Puck let out a couple of barks and Maddie burst through the door, laughing as if she'd just heard a really great joke. FX followed behind, announcing loudly for everyone in a half-mile
radius to hear. “Hi honey, we're home. Dinner smells good!”

Time to say goodbye to my digital dinner date before FX and Maddie caught me. “I have company. I have to. …”

“Of course. Thanks for lighting my fire,” he said, knowing how goofy it sounded but eliciting a laugh from me anyway.

“You're welcome. Thanks for the advice.”

“Anytime. I mean it.” And by the look in his eyes, I'd say he really did mean it.

I was closing my laptop when FX and Maddie found me in the kitchen. Maddie was glowing, her eyes shining, as if the last few hours had changed her life. Clearly being in that creative hot pot meant she could never go back to her little life in Pasadena. I'd felt like that before.

“Guess what?” she asked dramatically.

“What?” I responded, playing along.

“FX is going to be naked!”

“What?” I turned to FX for confirmation that this was a hilarious practical joke the two of them were playing on prim Aunt Elizabeth to make her squirm.

But his sheepish grin told me otherwise. “Yup. Full frontal.”

“Really? Totally naked?”

FX and I had moved to the front porch of Sage Cottage to discuss the matter without Maddie listening. I did manage to warn her under my breath as we walked outside, “Don't put this on Facebook. Remember that nondisclosure agreement we signed.” I was deadly serious and she could tell. She nodded and went upstairs with Puck. Daughter of a congressman—she can keep her mouth shut.

Now I was turning my attention to the other child in my care. I started softly, so I didn't force him into a corner defending his position. But as an advocate of the Bard, I had a difficult time dialing back my disdain. “Please explain. Because at first hearing, it sounds so…unnecessary. Although of course I don't want to be accused of pre-judging a creative genius like Taz Buchanan.”

FX sat back into the dark all-weather wicker furniture like he hadn't a care in the world, but I sensed a simmering panic underneath his cool demeanor.
Full frontal onstage! Get the Xanax, stat!
Still, he
remained calm as he elaborated, because after all, he was an actor. “You know in Act 4, Scene 1, when all the young lovers are running around the forest in a spell thanks to Puck? Then they fall for all the wrong people. That scene? Then Oberon wakes up Titania after she's been drugged and has mistakenly fallen in love with an ass.”

“Yes, I know,” I said curtly. I believe I was the one who interpreted the play for him, not vice versa. I made the international sign for “let's go” by rolling my hands, hoping he would dispense with Remedial Theater 101.

“Right, of course you do. Oberon has that line near the end, ‘Sound music! Come, queen, and take hands with me. Rock the ground whereon these sleepers be.' That line?”

“Yup.” Again, I get it.
I'm familiar with the play
.

“Well, Taz thinks we should really rock the ground. Like rock the ground. So after we exit on Titania's line, there's a break. He's adding a musical interlude. And he thinks Oberon should seduce Titania onstage. With a dance thing.” Oh, he was so nervous, so unsure of this whole idea that he was practically sweating now.

“Like a dance thing? Like a striptease?”

FX nodded.

I needed a moment to collect myself, not wanting to respond too soon, because my instinct was too blurt out,
Holy cow!
Midsummer Night's Dream
is a middle school staple! Ya think getting busy with the fairy queen onstage is going to solidify your support for an Oscar? More likely it will secure you a place in the Creepy Guy Hall of Fame
. “Is there anything else I need to know? Any other details that might impact my opinion of this interpretation?”

FX reached for something, anything. “The music is great. It's Sly and the Family Stone's ‘M'Lady.' They actually played that at Woodstock. You know that one?” He did a few bars and some mouth guitar, but it really didn't matter. The song choice was not going to influence my opinion.

I leaned forward, using my Professor Lancaster voice. “FX, you
know this is a very risky idea, don't you? Being naked onstage for no apparent reason except shock value could really backfire.”

“Well, everybody else is going to be naked.”

Oh my God, no wonder Taz didn't want me at the production meeting. Professor Lancaster having a conniption in front of everyone. “What do you mean everyone else is going to be naked?”

He took a deep breath, clearly hoping I would follow suit before my head exploded. “The idea is that the night in the forest is one long Woodstockian dream sequence-slash-drug trip. And he's thinking that, naturally, the young lovers—Hippolyta, Demetrius, Helena, and Lysander—will slowly lose items of clothing as they cavort through the woods. Getting less and less dressed until eventually, bam, they're discovered the next morning by the King and Dad, in the buff. Like busted college kids.”

That actually made me howl. See, I'm not a total prude. “Okay, that is hilarious! Funny, fun, implied in the text. I love that idea,” I said, genuinely delighted by the image in my head of young hippies playing a kind of spell-induced strip poker. Then I got serious. “But you're a famous movie star who wants to be taken seriously as an actor. You're talking about a trumped-up scene whose sole purpose is to get you naked. It's not in the play, it's not implicit in the lines. It's not necessary. Trust me, keep your clothes on.”

“You really think it's that bad of an idea?”

“Yes, career suicide. It's one thing if you're Daniel Radcliffe and you're trying to make everyone forget you've played a boy wizard for ten years, so you take your clothes off in
Equus
. But you don't need to take your clothes off in front of an audience of Bus Tour Bettys.” Just then, the image of my mother, Dependable Jane, and Funseeker Mary Pat in the front row rushed to mind. The horror, the horror if they saw my ex-husband
au natural
! Imagine the lunch afterward with the cast! The shocking e-mails and texts that would be sent back to Pasadena, to the Showcase Sustainers and Caltech wives. The hanging teases I'd have to endure for the rest of my life. That's not an
inside joke I wanted to share with my mother.

FX tried to reassure me. “Actually, only I'm going to strip. Titania will stay clothed. It's supposed to be this sexy offering of myself to, you know,
milady.”

Even worse. “You're FX Fahey. You're plenty sexy fully dressed.” I blurted out the deep dark truth before I could overthink the implications.

“Really?” He closed the distance between us and looked down into my eyes expectantly. He breathed in deeply again and I remembered the perfume I'd put on earlier. Did he recognize the scent? I stepped back.

Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize. A dishwasher at long last. “Don't. This is what you're paying me for. Don't confuse good judgment with…longing.” I paused and squared my shoulders. FX looked disappointed, so I conceded, “But yes, you are plenty sexy fully dressed.”

We stood quietly for a moment, letting the statement and the situation sink in. Had I been too harsh? What did I really know about acting? Nothing, really. Doing scenes in class wasn't anything like what real actors did. I'd never lost myself in a character, so maybe, in context, this scene would work. It could be the bold gesture that would single out FX as a fearless performer. But it just felt cheesy and more male-stripper-at-a-birthday-bash than brave. So I asked, “Does it strike you as the right choice in that moment?”