Dying to Forget

“Come on Piper, it’s just
one
drink. Tomorrow’s your birthday, after all.”

“Okay, just one.”

“That’s a good girl.”

Ryan nuzzles his mouth against my neck and everything inside me melts. I peek up at him through my curled lashes and see his bright blue eyes gazing into mine. The music is blaring around us; it’s loud…concert loud, but I don’t mind. The most gorgeous guy in the room is talking to me. Not to the perfect cheerleader girls decorating the packed room with their short skirts and tight tops and ridiculously perfect hair.
Me.
I give him a hesitant smile and he winks. I can’t help the girlish giggle that escapes from my mouth and I feel my cheeks heat up.

I drink from the red plastic cup he firmly pushed into my hands, even though I don’t like the taste of the bitter beer. Normally on a Friday night I'd be at home reading or watching Johnny Depp movies, but tonight was different. I had a date…an
actual
date. As he pulls gently on my fingers, I follow him through the crowd of celebrating seniors, weaving in and out of the jocks and preppy girls all in various stages of drunkenness. I watch Ryan’s back as he walks gracefully in front of me. The contours of his muscles ripple deliciously below his football jersey as he moves around our classmates with determined ease. I want to reach out and touch his back but he has one of my hands in his and the other is carrying this stupid plastic cup, so I just stare. I barely notice we are going up the steps to the second floor until we reach the top and my gaze is pulled from Ryan’s backside as he turns down the hallway, still tugging me behind him.
Where is he taking me?

I almost think he heard my thoughts because he turns to look over his shoulder to smile at me. “It’s quieter up here.”

“Oh, okay.”
He wants me all to himself!
I struggle to keep from jumping up and down with excitement and smile sweetly back at him instead.
Play it cool, Piper. Jeez.

We pass two closed doors and one that must be the bathroom because there are several girls waiting outside it; flipping their long, shiny hair across their shoulders and glowering at me as I walk by with 'the' Ryan Burke.
They’re jealous! Of me!
Something inside me laughs at them and I find it's not hard to keep my smile plastered to my face as I walk by. I take another sip of my beer, eager to finish the cup so I can put it down.

The room he picks is at the end of the hall and looks like it might be a guest bedroom. Once inside with the door closed, he flips on the switch and two bedside lamps flood the room with a soft yellow glow; warming the dark blue bedspread and casting deep shadows around us. A giant mirror hangs just above the headboard of the queen--size bed and it reflects the light well, but the room is still shrouded in a sort of romantic darkness.
What are we going to do in here?

“Finish your drink, Piper,” Ryan says gently to me while he closes the door behind him.

I sit down on the edge of the bed with my feet dangling several inches above the floor and sip from the cold cup. I still can’t believe he’s being so nice to me, so I smile and do as he says. After spending four years being ignored by the popular crowd, it's surreal being in a bedroom behind a closed door with the hottest guy in school. My stomach does a summersault when he sits down right next to me, casually resting his leg against mine. I can feel the heat from his thigh through my jeans.
Oh wow, he’s beautiful.

He starts talking about the game our team won the night before but I’m lost in the dark sea-color of his eyes and I find myself studying his face instead. He has large round eyes and long blonde lashes that match his thick hair. I gulp down the last of the nasty beer and ignore the fuzzy feeling in my head as I watch his mouth move. His lips curl up at the edges as he talks and when he laughs, my stomach clenches tightly.
I hope he wants to kiss me.

“Are you done?” He asks.

“What? Oh, yes.”

I hand him my empty cup and he leans across me to put it onto the small, wooden bedside table. He smells of soap; it’s a very, very good smell. When he straightens up, he grazes my knee with his hand and I jump, my heart skipping at least a dozen beats. He grins up at me before leaning back on the bed, propped up on his elbows. After I copy his move and rest on my side, facing him, I think,
now what?

“You have very beautiful eyes, Piper. I can never tell what color they are…green, or brown, or blue. What color are they really?” His voice is like maple syrup; thick and sweet.
Yum.

“Um…hazel.” My voice is betraying me completely. It's as if I can't speak louder than a whisper with his face hovering just inches from mine.

Smiling nervously, I can't help but chew on the corner of my lip and notice that he’s watching my mouth, so I very slowly lick my lower lip with the tip of my tongue. His eyes dart up to mine, surprised, I think.
He DOES want to kiss me!
I scream for joy inside my head.

Abruptly he sits upright, startling me. I push off the mattress slowly, unsure of what to expect. My head feels heavy and the room seems to tilt while I take a deep breath to steady myself.
Can one beer make you drunk?
I don’t
think
it can and I glance nervously at my empty cup. I press my fists to my eyes, trying to rub away the sleepy sensation that I feel behind my lids.

And then his mouth is on mine. His warm, wet lips push against me as he pries my mouth open with his tongue.
Oh wow, I’ve never been kissed like this!
As I close my eyes, I get lost in the feeling and taste of him while he runs his hands up my arms, then my neck and into my hair. When he releases me his face is flushed; his eyes full of bright desire.
I can’t believe Ryan Burke likes me!

With trembling fingers, I reach up and touch the hard and chiseled contours of his chest while Ryan's large and strong hands roam over my entire body, feeling and squeezing everything. I've never been touched like this before and my insides are starting to freak out.

"I want you, Piper," he murmurs into my neck.

My mouth drops open in surprise and even though my brain seems to be telling me to jump and run out of the room, I’m unable to move, stuck firmly to the same place on the mattress. With my nerves on high alert, I glance at the door repeatedly, sure that someone will come bursting through it at any second but the steady thumping of the music downstairs reminds me that no one can hear what is happening in this room. No one cares that Ryan Burke took me, of all people, into a bedroom. That realization hits me suddenly.
Oh. My. God. What am I doing here?

This is wrong.
I don't feel okay, I feel sick. My head is hurting and I really want to get up and leave. The room starts to spin but my brain and body seem to be suddenly disconnected, so I slump backwards against the bedspread and stare up at the ceiling. When I was a kid, the Tilt-A-Whirl used to make me feel like this…detached from my body just long enough to feel the world whizzing by. But this time the feeling doesn't go away.

The thumping of the music downstairs feels louder, vibrating through my body almost painfully. Ryan is somewhere close to me, cursing, and then he’s hovering over my body, his blue eyes piercing into mine, looking through me.
I don't understand what's happening. What have you done to me?

I can’t fight him when he tugs off my jeans, throwing them onto the cream-colored Berber carpet like trash. My legs are heavy and useless and my arms are stuck above me and I realize too late that it's because
he’s
holding them. Hot tears trickle over my temples, pooling into my ears. I try and scream
NO
but only a pathetic groan comes from my throat.
This can't be happening. Not to me.

After he clamps one of his strong hands over my mouth, I look away from him and watch the door, waiting for someone - anyone - to throw it open and save me. I've made a mistake, a big mistake trusting Ryan Burke. Unable to get away from him, I close my watery eyes and hope that wherever my mind escapes to will be a better place.

I'm not aware of how much time has passed when Ryan climbs off the bed and scoops my jeans up off the floor, tossing them ungraciously onto the bedspread beside me.

“Thanks, baby,” he says, slightly out of breath.

He smiles that gorgeous smile that now makes me want to punch him in the face hard enough to split his lip in half before he strolls from the room, leaving me whimpering. I'm broken in more ways than one. I don't think I'll ever trust another boy again. My heart fills with something heavy; I think it might be hatred.
My first time, this was my first time. How did this happen…to me?

The wind blasts its way into the open window as we race down the road at breakneck speed.
Freedom, at last!
I ignore the trees that whiz by on the passenger side of the car and the yellow stop-light as I push harder into the gas pedal and fly through the intersection at seventy miles per hour. My heart pounds in my chest as Bree screeches loudly beside me.

“Slow down, Piper!” She hollers.

I ease my foot off the accelerator but don’t tap the brakes yet. Her light brown hair whirls around her face and I laugh as she braces her arms out in front of her.

“Oh, relax…I’m slowing down,” I pout.

“Good, I don’t want to die on graduation day, you know.”

She laughs and visibly relaxes when I brake at the next intersection. While we sit at the red light I lean my elbow against the open window as Bree launches into yet another lengthy story about her last date with her new boyfriend, Preston. I try not to seem too uninterested as her delicate hands wave the air as she goes on and on about dinner and the movie she doesn’t even remember because she was too busy making out with Preston in the last row of the theater.
Yuck.