Durability (The LockDown Series Book 3) (21 page)

“Go away, please, leave me alone. You’re dead, he killed you. He fucking killed you, you bastard.” I scream, kicking out viscously as his shadow covers me.

“I’ll never be dead, not here.” I feel myself fall underneath a blackened thickness that drowns me in its toxicity. His laugh, it suffocates me until I can longer function or breathe. He’s killing me again, I’m dying and without my soul mate and reason to breathe my body will falter to do so.

“LEIGHTON! HELP!!!” I scream as I diminish.

“Abbi, Abbi wake up. Please, you have to open your eyes, babe.” The voice, it's soothing, it's kind and warm. I force my lids to open, looking around the brightness. I'm in my bedroom, in my bed. The covers are thrown haphazardly across the floor, the sheets rustled under me.

“He was here. He got me.” I cry, bringing my knees into myself. I no longer feel
safe, he is wherever I go, always clinging onto my subconscious and slowly killing me.

“Who was?” Maria asks worried, holding her stomach.

“My father. He was here, I could feel him and smell him. Leighton, he’s gone and my father, he got to me. His darkness, it’s here, it’s everywhere.” I toss and turn on the bed, looking in every crevice I can see, searching for any sign of the blackness that follows him.

“Abbi,” Maria says, but I ignore her pleading and jump from my bed. I open the curtains, the doors, even the one to the bathroom
. I search everywhere frantically, looking for him. “ABIGIAL! Listen to me.” Maria shouts and I turn to face her. Tears trail her cheeks as she rapidly wipes them away. “He’s not here, babe. He’s never going to hurt you again. Ant and Leighton made sure of it sweetie. He isn’t in this world anymore. He will never come near you again.”

“You’re wrong, everyone is wrong. He’ll always be here, here in my fucking head.” I stab myself in the head with my finger, prodding hard at where my father remains, his memory haunting me. I open my fist, slapping myself hard by my temple. “Here, he still fucking hurts me, still rapes and abuses me, he still fucking kills me.” I shout, slamming my hand and head into the walls harshly, the pain radiating through my skull doing little to flush the memories away.

“Abbi you’re scaring me, stop!” Maria shouts, pulling at me. “STOP, ABBI, PLEASE, STOP. YOU’RE BLEEDING. STOP!” I can't stop, nothing can stop me. I want to end it all, I don't want to see him or remember him anymore. I need Leighton, I need my Leighton.

“ABBI!” I hear her shout once more before blackness consumes me.

Why? Why oh fucking why does this noise have to be a reoccurring thing for me? “BEEP, BEEP, FUCKING BEEP.” It sounds through my aching skull and stabs at my core.

“FUCK OFF!” I shout aloud, banging my hand into something beside me. I can't see much, my eyes fighting to open.

“Miss Lock, please lay still,” someone speaks, holding my arms beside me. “You need to remain still, or you will cause further damage.” Again, why does my life consist of me getting hurt? Whether it’s physically or my heart being shattered in two by the man who is meant to be my protector. I need him, I need my husband to rescue me from my own self. My nightmares and memories are haunting me worse than ever before and I can't stop them.

I lift my working hand and look at the bandages once again wrapped around it. My head is pounding, the feel of bullets ricocheting through my skull. “I just want him.” I cry a little, small tears falling.

“Abbi, we’ve tried to find him, but he’s AWOL. You need to focus on you, sweetheart,” Maria tells me, holding my hand close to her. I feel her belly against my side, the twins kicking hastily inside. I rub her bump, feeling comforted by it.

I feel dead inside without my husband, my soul mate here to protect me and guide me, I feel like there is nothing to live for, until those two small babies inside her rounded belly kick me. I giggle a little, tapping the foot protruding from the skin.

“Quit it boys, you’re gonna hurt mummy,” I tell them, kissing her stomach.

“Joe and Melissa want to see you,” Maria tells me, stepping aside so I can see the doorway. Ant stands with Georgia, holding a squirming Melissa.

“MUMMY!” Joseph shouts and runs from beside his auntie to my side. “Mummy, why are you here again? Why are you hurting? We will see Daddy soon and he will make you all better, won't he?” He looks at me with his big bright eyes and smiles softly.

“Yes, baby. Daddy will be here soon to make me better. Mummy just fell and hurt her head and hand. I will be okay. I'm better now your here.” I smile back at him, feeling his warmth within me. He climbs on my bed and snuggles into me, wrapping his small arms around my stomach. He rests his head on my chest and looks up into my eyes.

“Mummy?” Joseph asks, staring at me intently.

“Yes honey?” I answer, stroking his soft hair and his rosy cheek.

“Well, I was thinking and Timmy at school said he was adopted by a nice man and lady and that they are his mummy and daddy by law, or something. So, I was thinking, maybe you could adopt me and be my mummy forever.” He smiles at me and my heart mends instantly.

I cry, tears streaming heavily down my face. They can’t stop, my body is trembling as they continue to stain my bed sheet and hospital gown. “Why are you crying, mummy, do you not want to adopt me?” His little lip pops out, sadness evident.

“God, baby, I want to be your mummy forever and ever. You are already my son, Joseph Leigh Lock and nothing will ever take that away from me, but nothing would make me happier than to adopt you, sweetie.” He sits up straight, kneeling beside me.

“Really, you mean it? You’ll be my mummy forever and adopt me?” He looks so happy, staring at me and practically bouncing on the bed.

“I would be honoured Joe,” I reply and he lunges himself at me, knocking the air from my lungs. My head hurts so much, but with Joe hugging me and kissing my face all over I can’t find it in me to care about the pain.

“You hear that Uncle Ant and Auntie Georgia, Mummy is going to be my mummy forever by the law of the policeman.” In all of his seven-year-old awesomeness he shouts out, causing Melissa to cry out.

“We heard little man, congratulations. You’ll never find a better mummy than her,” Antonio tells him, walking over and giving me Melissa. He bends and picks Joe off the bed. “How about me and you go downstairs and get some food? We’ll bring mummy up some hot chocolate and sweets. What do you say?” he asks my son and Joe leaps from the bed and towards the door.

“By mum, see you soon.” He blows me a kiss and then runs off.

“How you coping, hun?” Maria asks me when the men have gone.

“As good as I can be. I want it to be over, I don't want to hurt anymore. Joe just made me the happiest person alive, gave me something to smile about, but I need Leighton here, Maria. I miss him so much. I just wish I could tell him that I don't care about his flaws, that I don't care what he does. I just want him how he comes and to love him how he is.”

“The man is as stubborn as he comes, Ab. I’ve known him forever and he has always been that way. You’ve just got to let him work whatever this is out of his system. He’ll be back, I know that he will. He loves you and he loves those kids,” Maria advises me and I nod sadly, kissing my daughter. Melissa lays gently against my chest, her head on my breast. She sucks gentle on her thumb, her eyes heavy and closing softly against her blushing cheeks. Her lashes fan out and cast a shadow.

“Maybe,” I reply, lying back myself and resting my eyes.

“What do you mean the way I’m supposed to?” I ask him, a little worried about his plans for me.

“You’ll see kid, sometimes we need an outlet to the pain and hate inside of us, this club can provide that for you.” I already know that, hence the reason I visit weekly and I am one of the top Dom’s here.

“I have been using that as my outlet for god knows how many years Marcus. This isn’t news to me,” I inform him as we exit the car and walk the gravel to the entrance. We sign in and enter through the double doors to the main communal area.

“Time for some difference.” He almost whispers, but loud enough for me to just make out his frightening words.

I look around the place, the same intoxicating scent of sweat and sex filling the air, those mesmerising bodies displayed and being cherished by their Doms. Their pleasure-filled cries echoing through the grand room. This is where I will always belong. Without a place like this to control my urges I would be doomed forever.

I am excited to get back into things, it has been far too long since Abigail and I have been intimate in this way and my body isn’t doing well with the withdrawals. She is like my drug, every taste of her a fix, and every time I taste her sweet essence I’m left wanting more, wanting to kill for more of her.

“Where’s Delilah? She’ll do perfectly,” I tell him as my eyes roam the area. She is guaranteed to be here, she always is. She practically lives here; trying her best to get away from the shit life she lives. Here she will get the love and encouragement she needs, from people who feel the way she does, who need the same level of intense kink she does.

“You won’t be needing her tonight Leighton, that’s not why we are here. There is one thing I know that will help you but you have to let yourself open up to it.” My eyes narrow in on his face, wondering what on earth he is insinuating.

“If I'm not here to do kink, what am I here for?” I ask, feeling my heart pounding in my chest.

“Oh, you’ll be participating in kink, Leighton. But let’s just say, the roles are reversed for tonight.” Marcus looks at me possessively and I begin backing away, towards the exit.

“Not happening.” I rush my words out, almost panicky. I have never, repeat NEVER, let another person dominate me. Even though, in the alleyway it had felt somewhat refreshing and arousing to let Marcus instruct me, there is no way I am letting him do it here, in the place people see me as the ultimate Dominant. No, no way on earth, it isn’t going to happen under his roof.

“You’re telling me that I think I have a way to get you under control, to get you back to the person you were, get you closer to your wife and your family and you’re refusing to try? Are you that much of a coward Leighton, that you won't submit to someone, even if it will save you?” Marcus looks me dead in the eye, no intimidation from my death glare.

“I can't,” I reply, looking to the floor and clenching my fists. Angry tears are filling my eyes, my embarrassment and hate at the world flooring me. I want to fall to my knees, beg God or whoever else is controlling my life, to let me go, to release the chains that are holding me captive. I need my family, I need to see my son and my daughter, to hold them and make sure they are safe. But with this beast inside of me, that is breaking free more and more, I can’t risk being around them. They don’t need to see me violent and aggressive, they don’t need the upbringing my siblings and I have had, witnessing my father in his blind rage.

I will never, no matter how angry I am, lay a finger on my wife or my children, they are my life and will always be my life. Now, I have to find a way to be theirs, I need to be the reason they live and breathe, like they are mine.

“Why? You think it’s going to make you less of a man, Leighton? Think people will look at you differently because of it? Look around you, arsehole, how many men do you see around you, on their knees submitting to another man or a woman?” I lift my head and look around the area. This world, this crazy taboo world in which I have been living for god knows how many years, is filled with the most unusual and peculiar things someone can ever see. It wouldn’t be weird for me to be submitting to another person, it would be quite normal. Even the toughest and roughest of Doms have experienced submitting, fuck, it is part of our basic training.

If they can’t take what they will give, then they don’t do it, simple as. Now, it is my turn to submit. If I want my family back, want my beautiful wife back, I need to calm these cravings and find an outlet, because dominating her beautiful body, clearly isn’t working as effectively as I need it to.

“Leigh, come on man, I know you can do this. You’re strong and you have something to fight for. I think, if you let yourself give up the control, let someone else guide you, you might be able to push a little of this animal out. I think it will help. Do you trust me?” Marcus questions, his eyes staring intently at me.