Drunk With Blood (30 page)

Jeremiah 28.15-17

Number Killed: 1

Hananiah

Whenever two prophets get together in the Bible, you can be pretty sure that one of them will soon be killed by God. Remember how God sent a lion to kill a prophet for believing another prophet’s lie (
87
)? And then he sent another lion to kill another prophet for refusing to smite fellow prophet (
97
)? Yeah, well, the same thing happens to here to Hananiah, sans lion.

The trouble starts when Hananiah prophesies good news for the people of Judah. God was going to break the yoke of the king of Babylon and bring the people of Judah back home.

Hananiah … the prophet … spake … in the presence of the priests and of all the people, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, saying, I have broken the yoke of the king of Babylon. Within two full years … I will bring again to this place … all the captives of Judah … for I will break the yoke of the king of Babylon. Jeremiah 28.1-4

Which contradicted what Jeremiah had been telling everyone. Lately, in fact, Jeremiah was running around wearing a wooden yoke, symbolizing Nebuchadnezzar’s absolute power over Israel. So Hananiah’s good news was anathema to him.

Jeremiah replied with his usual sarcasm.

Amen: the LORD do so: the LORD perform thy words which thou hast prophesied, to bring again the vessels of the LORD’s house, and all that is carried away captive, from Babylon into this place. 28.6

Then Hanaiah took Jeremiah’s silly yoke and broke it in front of everyone.

Then Hananiah the prophet took the yoke from off the prophet Jeremiah’s neck, and brake it. 28.10

And he repeated his prophecy about the end of Judah’s exile within two years.

And Hananiah spake in the presence of all the people, saying, Thus saith the LORD; Even so will I break the yoke of Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon from the neck of all nations within the space of two full years. 28.11

Jeremiah went away after that. But a little later God told Jeremiah to tell Hananiah that he wants everyone to serve Nebuchadnezzar, even the animals.

Go and tell Hananiah, saying, Thus saith the LORD … I have put a yoke of iron upon the neck of all these nations, that they may serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon; and they shall serve him: and I have given him the beasts of the field also. 28.14

Oh, yeah, and that within a year God would kill him.

Hear now, Hananiah; The LORD hath not sent thee; but thou makest this people to trust in a lie. Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, I will cast thee from off the face of the earth: this year thou shalt die, because thou hast taught rebellion against the LORD. 28.15-16

And, by golly, that’s what happened.

So Hananiah the prophet died the same year in the seventh month. 28.17

Ezekiel 24.16-18

Number Killed: 1

Ezekiel’s wife

I guess God was trying to make some kind of point in this killing.

God had just revealed some important stuff to Ezekiel.

Thus saith the Lord GOD ... Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! ... That it might cause fury to come up to take vengeance; I have set her blood upon the top of a rock, that it should not be covered. ... Woe to the bloody city! ... Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned ... that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed. She hath wearied herself with lies, and her great scum went not forth out of her: her scum shall be in the fire. ... I the LORD have spoken it: it shall come to pass, and I will do it; I will not go back, neither will I spare. Ezekiel 24:3-14

So there you have it. God is going to make a bloody, scum-filled soup using human blood, bones, and body parts. It will come to pass and God will spare no one.

Then in the next verse he announces his next killing: Ezekiel’s wife.

Also the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke. 24:15-16a

Now, I don’t think God meant to say here that he was going to kill Ezekiel’s wife “with a stroke.” Here’s how the Revised Standard Version puts it.

Son of Man, behold, I am about to take the delight of your eyes away from you at a stroke.” 24:16a (SRV)

So although we don’t know how, we do know he’s going to kill her right away, “in a stroke.”

And when he does, God doesn’t want Ezekiel to mourn her death in any way. He’s not allowed to cry, take his shoes off, cover his lips, unbind the tire of his head, or eat the bread of men.

Yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down. Forbear to cry, make no mourning for the dead, bind the tire of thine head upon thee, and put on thy shoes upon thy feet, and cover not thy lips, and eat not the bread of men. 24:16b-17

And that’s what happened. God killed Ezekiel’s wife and Ezekiel didn’t give a shit.

My wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded. 24:18

Then God and Ezekiel explain the whole point of this killing to everyone in Israel. God will kill their sons and daughters, and no one is allowed to mourn them after they die, just like Ezekiel didn’t mourn his wife when God killed her.

The word of the LORD came unto me, saying ... your sons and your daughters ... shall fall by the sword. And ye shall do as I have done: ye shall not cover your lips, nor eat the bread of men. And your tires shall be upon your heads, and your shoes upon your feet: ye shall not mourn nor weep ... Thus Ezekiel is unto you a sign: according to all that he hath done shall ye do. 24:20-24

Well, now, that’s a point worth killing for, isn’t it?

Acts 5.5-10

Number Killed: 2

Ananias and Sapphira

Ananias and his wife, Sapphira, sold some land, gave some of the money to the apostles, and kept the rest.

Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles’ feet. Acts 5:1-2

The bible doesn’t say how much the land sold for or what percentage they kept or gave away.

But whatever the selling price may have been, the percentage of the donation wasn’t enough to satisfy Peter. Or God.

Peter accused Ananias of getting his heart filled up with Satan and lying to the Holy Ghost. Why? Because Ananias didn’t give Peter all of the money from the sale of his property.

But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. 5:3-4

I don’t know how Peter would know that Satan was involved in any of this. God must have told him. But what about this “lie to the Holy Ghost” thing? So far, Ananias hasn’t said a thing. Don’t your lips have to move when you lie?

Maybe not. Maybe you lie to the Holy Ghost every time you don’t give all of your money to the church.

In any case, Ananias fell over dead before getting to say a single word in his own defense.

Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost. 5:5

A few hours later, they brought in Sapphira, who didn’t yet know what had happened to her husband.

It was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. 5:7

Peter asked her if the land sold for a certain price, and she said, yes, that was what the land sold for.

Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. 5:8

Then Peter asked her why she and her husband had tempted the Spirit of the Lord. And then, before she could answer, Peter told her that the guys who had just buried her husband were going to do the same to her.

Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. 5:9

After hearing Peter’s words, she fell down dead. And the “young men” came in to bury her.

Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. 5:10

And it scared the shekels out of everyone in the church.

And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things. 5:11

Acts 12.23

Number Killed: 1

Herod Aggripa

One day, King Herod (Aggripa) gave a speech to the people.

Upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them. Acts 12:21

The Bible doesn’t tell us what he said, but it must have been one hell of a good speech, since when the people heard it they all shouted at once and in unison, “this is the voice of a god, not a man.”

The people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man. 12:22

But God didn’t like the speech. And he was especially angry at Herod for not giving the glory to him. God wants all of the glory and it pisses him off when someone else gets some. So he sent an angel down to kill him.

Immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory. 12:23a

And then God fed King Herod to the worms.

And he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost. 12:23b

(I give God all the glory for this Bible story.)