Drunk With Blood (13 page)

Judges 4.21

Number Killed: 1

Sisera

In God’s last killing (
46
), God “discomfited” the Canaanite army, causing them all to be killed. (It’s not clear how God did this, but he probably forced them to kill each other. He likes doing stuff like that.)

But Sisera, the captain of the Canaanite army, somehow managed to escape. And that night he passed by Heber’s tent (Heber was an ally of the Canaanites), which is where Jael enters the story.

Jael was Heber’s wife and she came out to greet Sisera, inviting him to stay the night in their tent. She prepared a bed for him, gave him a bottle of milk, and tucked him in for the night.

Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And when he had turned in unto her into the tent, she covered him with a mantle. And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. Judges 4.18-19

Then, after he was asleep, she drove a tent stake through his head.

Then Jael Heber’s wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died. 4.21

OK, so what, you say. Why blame this killing on God?

Because God blamed it on himself. Deborah, who was a prophetess, said the killing would take place, and that God would take an active part.

The LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. 4.9

After the killing Deborah even wrote a little song about Jael and her blessed hammer.

Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be,
blessed shall she be above women.
He asked water, and she gave him milk;
she brought forth butter in a lordly dish.
She put her hand to the nail,
and her right hand to the workmen’s hammer;
and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head,
when she had pierced and stricken through his temples. 5.24-26

So there you have it. Jael is the most blessed of all women. I think there’s even a well-known prayer about it. It goes like this:

Hail Jael, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....

Or maybe I’m confusing it with another prayer.

Judges 7.22-25, 8.10

Number Killed: 120,000

Oreb, Zeeb, Zebah, and Zalmunna and Midianite soldiers

Here’s a story about Gideon. You know, they guy they named the hotel room Bible after.

It starts out in the usual way:

The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD. Judges 6.1a

The LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian. 6.1b

The children of Israel cried unto the LORD. 6.7

And God kills all the guys that he sold them to. (Midianites this time around.)

Here’s the long version.

An angel of the Lord was sitting under an oak tree when he saw Gideon threshing some wheat. So he started up a conversation with him.

The angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour. 6.12

And then God joined in.

The LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee? ... And the LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man. 6.14-16

So Gideon has a three-way conversation with the angel and God, but he doesn’t believe either of them. He demands a sign.

Shew me a sign. 6.17

But first, he runs off to slaughter a goat. And then, guess what happened.

Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff ... and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. 6.21

Yep. The angel touched the bloody, dead goat and it burst into flames.

A neat trick, but it still didn’t convince Gideon. He needed another sign to prove that God wasn’t lying to him. So he put some wool on the ground and asked God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry.

Gideon said unto God ... Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. 6.36-37

And God passed that test, no sweat.

And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water. 6.38

Now you might think that would be enough proof for Gideon. But no. He’s still not sure he can trust God, so he asks God to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry.

Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. 6.39

And God did that trick, too!

And God did so. 6.40

So God passed all of Gideon’s tests and Gideon and God got down to business. But first, they had to find some accomplices.

I’m not sure how this could happen, but in Judges it always happens this way. The Israelites were enslaved, but somehow they managed to keep a huge, well-equipped army. I guess they did this so they’d be ready when they cry out to God and he decides to kill the guys that he sold them to.

Well, this time is no different. The Israelite slaves had a big army, too big, in fact, for God’s liking. He worried that if they killed all the Midianites with a big army, no one would believe that it was God that did the killing. And God wants all the credit for his killings.

The LORD said unto Gideon, The people that are with thee are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel vaunt themselves against me, saying, Mine own hand hath saved me. 7.2

So God tells Gideon to get rid of some of the men. Start with the chicken shits.

Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying, Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him return and depart early from mount Gilead. And there returned of the people twenty and two thousand; and there remained ten thousand. 7.3

That got rid of 22,000. But 10,000 were still there, which was still too many. But God had a plan.

God told Gideon to have the soldiers go down to the water to get a drink. Those that lap the water “as a dog lappeth” are the natural-born killers that he’s looking for, while those that get down on their knees to use a cup or their hands should be sent home.

So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink. 7.5

So Gideon had them all go down to the water to get a drink. Out of the 10,000 non-chicken shits, only 300 lapped water like a dog. Those were the few good men that God was looking for.

The number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men ... And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you. 7.6-7

You see, God knows that real men pee standing up and lap water like dogs.

Now the Bible tells us that there were gazillions of Midianites. They were like grasshoppers. Like the sands of the seashore. Like that.

The Midianites and the Amalekites and all the children of the east lay along in the valley like grasshoppers for multitude; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea side for multitude. 7.12

Which is strange since God killed every male Midianite during the time of Moses (
26
), and yet here, 250 years later, they flourish like grasshoppers “without number.”

Was Gideon worried about attacking a gazillion Midianites with 300 water lappers?

No. Because some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents, and that guy told some other guy about the dream that he had, and then later Gideon heard about it.

Behold, there was a man that told a dream unto his fellow, and said, Behold, I dreamed a dream, and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along. And his fellow answered and said, This is nothing else save the sword of Gideon … for into his hand hath God delivered Midian, and all the host. And it was so, when Gideon heard the telling of the dream, and the interpretation thereof, that he worshiped, and returned into the host of Israel, and said, Arise; for the LORD hath delivered into your hand the host of Midian. 7.13-15

But enough with the dreams. It’s time to get down to killing. Gideon gives each dog-lapper a trumpet and a pitcher with a lamp in it.

He … put a trumpet in every man’s hand, with empty pitchers, and lamps within the pitchers. 7.16

And tells them:

When I blow with a trumpet ... then blow ye the trumpets also on every side of all the camp, and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. 7.18

And that’s what they did.

And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers, and held the lamps in their left hands, and the trumpets in their right hands to blow withal: and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. 7.20

Great idea, eh? But it didn’t really do anything. It was God that did all the dirty work by forcing the gazillions of Midianites to kill each other.

The LORD set every man’s sword against his fellow. 7:22

The story gets a bit confused after that. Two princes are caught, decapitated, and their heads are brought to Gideon.

They took two princes of the Midianites, Oreb and Zeeb; and they slew Oreb … and Zeeb … and brought the heads of Oreb and Zeeb to Gideon. 7.25

Then the princes of Succoth question Gideon’s leadership.

The princes of Succoth said, Are the hands of Zebah and Zalmunna now in thine hand, that we should give bread unto thine army? 8.6

And he promises to come back and torture them later.

Gideon said,Therefore when the LORD hath delivered Zebah and Zalmunna into mine hand, then I will tear your flesh with the thorns of the wilderness and with briers. 8.7

Then Gideon defeats Zebah and Zalmunna (the Midianite kings).

When Zebah and Zalmunna fled, he pursued after them, and took the two kings of Midian, Zebah and Zalmunna, and discomfited all the host. 8.12

And then comes back to Succoth to torture the elders (like he promised he would) and kill the men in their city.

He took the elders of the city, and thorns of the wilderness and briers, and with them he taught the men of Succoth. And he … slew the men of the city. 8.16-17

Gideon then tells his oldest son to kill Zebah and Zalmunna.

He said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared. 8.20

But he ends up having to do it himself, since his son was a chicken-shit, cup-drinking, sit-down-pee-er.

Gideon arose, and slew Zebah and Zalmunna. 8.21

But at least we are told that 120,000 Midianites were killed in the whole wet-fleece, water-lapping, trumpet-blowing, pitcher-smashing, the-Sword-of-the-Lord-and-of-Gideon episode.

There fell an hundred and twenty thousand men that drew sword. 8.10

Sorry that was so long. But at least now you know why the Gideons chose Gideon as their namesake.

They’re fucking crazy.

(There were probably more than 120,000 killed in this one, if the people of Succoth are included. But I can’t tell for sure that God was involved in that torture/massacre atrocity, so I’ll leave them out of it.)