Drowning Rose (37 page)

With that she ran back to the boat and stepped inside. A moment later her hand appeared, holding the blue lace knickers. I watched as they dropped over the side and on to the ground.

I looked around me but there was still no sign of Portia and the boys. I took a deep breath and stepped out from my hiding place. ‘Rose.’

Her dark head popped up, her mouth open in surprise.

I walked closer. ‘Don’t do it,’ I said.

‘Don’t do what? Anyway, what are you doing here? This is private.’

‘I know all about your stupid little plan. So don’t.’

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t take him. Don’t take Julian. You can have anyone. You don’t have to have him.’

‘Oh Sanders, don’t be so melodramatic. Anyway, you can’t
take
people. They either want to be with you or they don’t.’

‘Julian wanted to be with me until you started chasing after him.’

‘Me chasing him? My God, coming from you.’ She laughed her pretty, bell-clear laugh. ‘Don’t be silly, Sanders. And could you please hand me my dress?’

‘Don’t call me Sanders. Or Sandra. And you don’t know anything.’ I felt close to tears but I fought to hold them back.

‘Oh for heaven’s sake,
Cass
andra, you don’t think doing it with you meant he
liked
you.’

I felt cold. Not ordinary cold but corpse cold. ‘You know about that? You know we . . .’

Rose interrupted. ‘Of course I know. Everyone does. Now please go away or at least hand me my dress. They’ll be here any moment and we’ll look pretty suss like this.’

‘You’re lying.’ I walked closer. ‘You’re just guessing. Julian . . .’ I paused, drawing comfort from saying his name ‘. . . Julian didn’t want us to tell anyone until we were ready.’ I grabbed the dress from the branch, not caring that it snagged. ‘Here.’ I walked right up to the boat and stared down at her. She reached out for the dress. I pulled back.

‘Admit you lied.’

Rose’s face grew sad. ‘Oh fuck, I’m sorry. You really like him, don’t you. Shit.’ I could hear the pity in her voice.

‘Don’t take him,’ I said again.

‘Oh God. Oh for heaven’s sake.’ She paused. When she spoke again her voice was low and perfectly kind. It was the kind of voice you employed when explaining something completely obvious to someone completely dense. ‘Don’t you get it? He doesn’t even like you. I mean, he really doesn’t like you. Look, Cassandra, I’m not being mean. I’m telling you so you don’t make an even bigger fool of yourself than you have already.’

I think there were mosquitoes. It was early for mosquitoes but they were there, I could feel them all across my forehead.

‘Dress please, Cassandra.’ Rose put her hand out. She was beginning to look worried.

‘What do you mean, me making an even bigger fool of myself?’

Now Rose got angry. She made an attempt to get out of the boat but I got there first and I kicked the side. It rocked and she stumbled backwards ending up on her behind.

She looked pretty silly sitting there, butt naked and with a surprised look on her face. ‘For Christ’s sake, what do you think you’re doing?’

‘What did you mean?’

She got back up again. ‘Just give me a hand out of here and then we can talk.’

‘No.’ I gave the boat another kick.

‘All right, all right, you asked for it. Julian’s been telling everyone. About your special underwear and how you moan and cry and cling to him and how after the first time he actually felt sick.’ She stopped, her eyes widening as if she realised that she had gone too far.

But I felt calm. ‘He said he felt sick. He felt sick after we had made love.’ I gave the side of the boat one more kick and this time she fell hard. I heard the thud as the back of her head hit the deck. I went up to the water’s edge and peered down at her. She must have knocked herself out because she was lying stock-still, looking paler than ever and kind of silly with the garland of flowers slipped down over her nose. ‘You want to be the Lady of Shalott,’ I whispered softly. ‘Well, you’re welcome.’ And I gave the boat one more shove. As it floated away I looked around me, listening, but there was no sign of anyone coming.

I took off my shoes and tights and after a moment’s hesitation, my dress, and waded into the water. It was ice-cold but I didn’t mind. Instead I ducked under the boat and with the water taking much of the weight, turned it over.

I didn’t wait around. Instead I got back on land and I used Rose’s white dress to dry myself off. I put my clothes back on and without a backwards glance I ran off into the woods.

Forty-one

I was in my cubicle, already in my pyjamas and reading in bed, when the screaming and wailing began. I noticed, with interest, that I wasn’t deemed worthy of having the news told to me until practically every member of the lower sixth and most of the upper sixth had been informed. It was Gillian Taylor who told me in the end. She practically tore the cubicle curtain off the rail in her excitement.

‘You haven’t heard?’ She stared at me as I sat calmly turning the pages of my book.

I took my time looking up. ‘Heard what?

‘Oh my God, you
haven’t
heard? It’s Rose.’

I sighed. ‘What about Rose, Gillian?’

‘She’s dead.’

I waited a moment or two before saying, ‘Rose is dead. Are you sure?’

Gillian flung her arms out. ‘Of course I’m sure. It’s just awful. They found her in the lake.’

‘In the lake? What on earth was she doing there?’

‘Apparently she and Eliza were going for a late night swim.’

‘A swim? The water’s freezing.’

‘Exactly.’

‘And what about Eliza? I mean she was there, you say.’

‘She’s hysterical.’ Gillian drew out the word for maximum effect. ‘They’ve had to give her something to calm her down. Anyway, it looks like Rose stayed behind on her own, mucking about in some leaky old boat and it capsized and she drowned.’ Gillian’s eyes were bright with the excitement of it all. She didn’t actually seem that upset, though. She was about to sit down on my bed but I gave her a look and she straightened up.

‘That really is terrible news,’ I said. ‘Poor little Rose.’ I reached for a tissue and blew my nose. ‘Just terrible.’

‘I know. And her father is out of the country and they haven’t been able to get hold of him so Miss Philips is going mental.’ She looked at me, her head to one side. ‘You’re in shock, aren’t you? My mum says that when people are in shock they often act really calm.’

I nodded and dabbed at my eyes. ‘Yeah. I think I am. Do you mind, Gillian, but I’d like to be alone now.’

‘Are you sure? I can stay if you like. I’m really good in a crisis.’

By now I had managed to squeeze out a couple of tears. I gave her a brave smile. ‘Thank you but I think I just need to be left with my grief.’

Gillian nodded, a self-important look on her face. ‘Well, if you’re sure. But you know where I am if you need me.’

‘Thank you,’ I said. She was still hesitating so I waved the tissue at her. ‘Bye, Gillian.’

‘Oh, right. Night, then.’

Of course no one bothered to ask me if I knew anything, not the police nor any member of staff, nor any of the girls. It was really quite funny. I mean, I was the one person who knew exactly what had happened but no one thought to ask me.

Eliza was allowed to go home. When she got back a week later she looked like her own ghost. Her hair had lost its shine. Her complexion was grey-looking and her freckles stood out like a rash. I didn’t go up to her at supper but waited until we were getting ready for bed.

‘May I come in?’

She was sitting on the floor, her back against the bed. She looked up. ‘Sure.’

I sat down next to her. After a while she said, ‘I never mended her mug.’

‘Oh well. I don’t suppose that matters now.’

She turned her big, pink-rimmed, puffy eyes on me. They had a really weird look in them; like she was watching a horror film. ‘I promised her I’d do it.’

‘I wouldn’t worry about it,’ I said.

Eliza kept staring at me and I was beginning to feel spooked. ‘I promised her,’ she said again and then she started crying, sobbing; grating sobs that made her whole body shudder.

I looked at her for a while. Then I said, in my nicest voice. ‘What happened? What happened down at the lake? I mean, I thought you were there with her.’

Eliza yelped in distress. I didn’t want anyone to come in and check on us so I tried to calm her down, stroking her hair and telling her ‘hush’. For a moment, as she rested her head on my shoulder, I wished I really were her friend. But it was too late for that now.

‘I’ll get you a clean tissue,’ I said, getting up. I knew she kept a box in her bedside locker.

‘We were just mucking around,’ she said. ‘We wanted the boys to find us.’ She suddenly looked embarrassed. At least she was aware enough to realise that her stupid little plan to snare Julian for her friend might not be exactly popular with me.

I smiled what I hoped was a gentle understanding smile. ‘Don’t worry. None of that matters now.’

Eliza looked at me as if we were on the same page and reached over and put her big hand on mine. ‘No, no, it doesn’t.’

I waited another moment before asking. ‘So how come you weren’t there when it happened?’

She groaned and buried her face in her hands.

‘You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to but everyone says it helps,’ I said, my voice brisk and helpful like Miss Philips’s in a crisis.

She didn’t look up. ‘I left.’

‘You left? Right. So the others had arrived.’

‘No.’ The word was a whisper.

‘Okaaay. So you just left her there – on her own.’

Eliza took her hands away from her face and stared at me. She looked as if she were about to start screaming and I thought I might have gone too far. But she simply nodded, mute.

‘You mustn’t beat yourself up about it,’ I said in my nice brisk voice. ‘I mean all right so it was dark and everything but you weren’t to know she’d capsize.’

‘I wimped out,’ she said in a voice that was so small I could barely hear. ‘I’ve never been naked in front of a boy. I suppose I panicked.’ She looked at me as if she were begging me to understand. I looked back as if I didn’t.

‘You know how when you’re little and you’re playing tag and you’re being chased and you know perfectly well that there’s no one frightening behind you, and you’re laughing but somehow you’re scared too and you’re running really fast?’

In fact, I was amazed at how calm I felt, and how utterly without pity. It was as if that part of me, the part capable of feeling what other people felt, had disappeared. It felt nice. Peaceful. ‘Didn’t you say she called after you, though?’

She was frowning now, as if she were trying to recall. ‘I think so. Yes, she did, because I remember thinking the boys might hear us. She was just mucking around, though.’

‘Oh. Right.’ I paused. Then I said, ‘No. No, it can’t have been.’

‘What? What can’t it have been?’

I looked at her under lowered lids. ‘No. It’s nothing.’ I made a worried face. I always was a good actor.

‘Please,’ Eliza said. ‘What is it?’

I sighed as if I found what I was about to say really hard. ‘I just wondered, seeing what happened soon after, if she might actually have been calling for help? I mean, that would explain why she wasn’t worried about anyone hearing, wouldn’t it. If she were in trouble. And she was, wasn’t she? Sadly.’

‘You think she might have been calling me for help?’ Eliza spoke as if each word had a full stop after it, as if the words were so huge that they couldn’t fit in the same sentence. And the way she looked at me. People talk about eyes filling with horror but hers drained. They went blank like I imagine a blind person’s eyes. It was actually quite scary. I got up from the floor.

‘Of course you would have been able to tell the difference between someone calling for help and someone just mucking around.’ I paused. ‘Yeah, of course you would have. However much you were panicking and running.’

She made a weird little moaning sound, burying her face in her hands once more. Honestly, it was a relief not to have to look at her. Now she was saying something. I had to bend down close to hear.

‘I thought she was mucking around. We were laughing.’

‘Well, if you’re sure,’ I said, as if that were the end of it. I looked at my watch. ‘Gosh, it’s lights out. Try to get some rest, won’t you?’

Back in my own cube I was too excited to sleep. The past week had seemed, not like a dream exactly, but like a film. I was watching everything, myself included, with interest, but none of it really touched me. That was it; I was untouchable, out of reach not only of those around me, but myself.

As the days went by I kept expecting to feel something, guilt, shame, regret for what I had done, but nothing. In fact, I had never felt better. It was as if every itch I ever suffered had been scratched and every hunger satisfied. I walked around feeling light on my feet as if, had I wanted to, I could have floated up in the air. I was free, free of all those troublesome feelings. To be honest I didn’t even care much about Julian. I suppose I wouldn’t have minded if he had come crawling, begging me to go out with him again. It would have been quite amusing to see the reaction of the others, the remaining princesses, if he had, but otherwise I really didn’t care. And the less I cared the better things became. Eliza needed me. She was looking to me for reassurance, which was pretty funny when you think about it. And I gave it to her, for a bit, then I took it away and confused her all over again. She kept looking mournfully at me with those great big red-rimmed eyes. The bags underneath were massive by now. She really wasn’t looking very pretty at all.