Drowning Rose (29 page)

‘It’s all right for you to add butter and cream to everything,’ Ruth said. ‘You don’t need to worry about your weight. Although you’ve put on a bit, haven’t you? What are you now? A 14? Not 16, surely?’

‘12,’ I said. ‘If it’s a dress or a skirt and cut loose over the arse.’

‘Exercise would fix that,’ Ruth said.

‘Well, isn’t this cosy,’ I said. I looked across to the sideboard and the photograph of Rose and me on a family holiday. If Rose hadn’t died our parents might well have married and she would have been my stepsister. Instead there was Ruth.

Ruth traced my gaze to the photograph. Her fine dark eyes were bright like a bird’s. ‘You can always talk to me, you know that, don’t you?’

‘I know. And thank you.’

‘I don’t want to push but I’ve always heard that grief is best let out into the open.’

‘Oh for heaven’s sake, Ruth, it was twenty-five years ago. It’s not exactly raw.’

Ruth stared at me, her mouth open in a little ‘o’ of surprise. She shook her head. ‘Still, if you’ve finally moved on.’

‘Moved on?’ I realised I had banged my fist on the table and I withdrew it and rested it in my lap. ‘Have some chicken.’

‘I wish you’d stayed with that course, the toxic guilt one. They would have taught you that guilt has no purpose beyond teaching us not to make the same mistakes again.’

I stared at her. ‘That’s so true.’

‘You don’t have to be so surprised. I do make sense sometimes, you know.’

I laughed. ‘I know you do. Anyway, I told you, they kicked me out.’ I poured us both some more wine. Ruth was looking at me with an expression I couldn’t read.

‘What?’ I smiled, a little uneasy. She shook her head.

‘Is it Robert?’ I asked. ‘Is there something you haven’t told me?’

After a pause she said, ‘Yes, but it’s not anything to do with Robert.’

I lifted my glass of wine to my lips and drained it almost before I was aware of doing so. ‘So what is it?’

She sighed. ‘There’s been a barrier between us, Eliza. And it’s my fault.’

‘Really?’

She gave me a rueful smile. ‘I fear so. I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been harbouring this . . . well, this resentment.’

I sighed. ‘I know. You told me about it the other day, remember. About your birthday party and the lifeboats and . . .’ I gave a helpless shrug. ‘I really am so sorry.’

She shook her head. ‘No. No, that’s just part of it.’

My shoulders slumped. ‘There’s more?’

‘You don’t get it, do you?’

I shook my head, feeling despondent. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘You don’t have to keep saying that. It’s not all your fault. It’s not your fault that you’re a favoured person. But you are. People
see
you. Have you thought about that? Even as you spend most of your time trying
not
to be seen, they see you. You walk into a shop and within moments an assistant has come up to you and offered to help. You enter a restaurant and you’re shown to a table by the window. At parties people come up to you and they ask you about yourself. And all this, not because you’ve done anything in particular to deserve it but because you were born that way, you were born
visible
. You even had Gabriel, for heaven’s sake. But me, I walk into a shop and the assistants continue to swap notes about their night out. I step into the restaurant and I wait by the door until eventually someone notices. Usually because someone like you has just come in behind me.’ She gave a little joyless laugh before continuing.

‘At a party I work my butt off and I still end up with the red-faced fat man who is there only because I’m the only other person who seems to find the topic of him as fascinating as he does. And I got Robert.’

It was hard to know where to start so I started at the end. ‘I thought you adored Robert. At least until now.’

She gave me a look that was both kind and a little contemptuous. ‘You would assume that, wouldn’t you. Robert with his ingratiating manner and sleazy charm. Robert with his too thin neck and his too long hair and his mannequin good looks. Robert with his big plans and small achievements. Robert with his desperate attempts at being a ladies’ man. Would you have wanted him?’

‘So why?’ I said quietly.

She gave me a small smile. ‘Because he was the best I thought I could get.’

‘That’s nonsense,’ I said because I wanted it to be. ‘And if you weren’t in love with him why did you act as if you were? Why did you marry him? Ruth?’

‘Because I wanted to be crazy about him. I wanted that whole romance thing that girls like you get and I didn’t want it with nice steady paunchy Joe Willmott, that’s why.’

‘Oh Ruth.’

She smiled again, that small knowing smile. ‘Anyway, that’s what’s been making me so angry; the way you keep being given, yet unthinkingly waste, what I would kill to have.’

Then the phone rang and I got up to answer, grateful for the interruption. It was Katarina telling me that Uncle Ian’s health had declined further. She thought I might wish to come over to see him. Unsaid were the words, ‘while you still can’.

I went online and found a ticket for the following morning. Then I told Ruth that she was welcome to stay. I emailed Beatrice to tell her there was a family emergency and that I would make up the time on my return. I hoped she would understand. I packed my bag. I prayed Uncle Ian would still be alive the next day.

Thirty-one

Sandra/Cassandra

We did it again, in the pavilion, during match tea. We had to be really quick, obviously, but Julian never took very long anyway. I didn’t mind because it was afterwards that I liked. It was what I did it for, what I lived for; those brief moments when he lay all trembly and grateful in my arms, his eyes glazed and his hair damp with sweat. Because during those moments he was truly mine. But this time, because everyone was around and the coach was waiting he just pulled up his pants and gave me a peck on the cheek. ‘Can you get rid of this?’ He handed me the condom.

‘Where?’

‘Your sports bag or something.’

I took the sticky rubber dripping with mucousy sperm, holding it between the tips of my thumb and my middle finger. Then I thought that made me seem uptight, like I was disgusted, so I folded my palm around it instead and put it into the pocket of my games skirt. He didn’t seem to care either way as he opened the shed door to check that the coast was clear. I wondered if I should tell him about being late and feeling sick and all that. Then I decided to wait until I was sure.

‘So when will I see you again?’ I had meant the question to come out casual but instead it sounded like a plea and I saw a flicker of irritation on his face as he turned to me.

‘I don’t know. Soon.’

I couldn’t bear that he should be annoyed by me just as we were saying goodbye so I tried desperately to think of something to say that would make him think I was cute or funny or something, anything but desperate and needy. But I didn’t have time.

‘I’ll be in touch.’ He turned in the doorway and my heart lurched as I prepared a smile. ‘Just wait for a couple of minutes before you follow,’ he said. Then he was gone.

I still hadn’t had my period. I hugged my secret close, smiling to myself as I listened to Rose banging on to Eliza about what a perfect match she and Julian were. How completely stupid they would look. While they were fantasising about kissing in the woods like the silly little girls they were, he and I were proper lovers and soon maybe we would have a baby together. In fact smiling was not enough. I wanted to laugh out loud but instead I just asked Rose if she had actually
seen
Julian. As I knew the answer would be no, I turned away before she had the chance to reply.

‘Actually, I have.’

I swung back and faced her. ‘You have?’

She gave a little shrug with her dainty shoulders. The princesses all had really narrow backs, even Portia, who was athletic and Eliza, who had those big hands and feet. I was a barn door compared to them, even though I was quite slim. It was how I was built. Like a brick shit-house.

‘I didn’t know you’d been to LABs. Why didn’t you tell me?’ I realised my voice had gone shrill so I took a breath and started again. ‘I mean, I have friends there too. Like, like Miles Boyd, for example.’ Rose was still looking at me as if she thought I was loopy so I finished with a lame, ‘I would have gone with you, that’s all.’

Then she giggled, her creamy-white cheeks blushing pretty-pink and her forget-me-not eyes sparkling. She was so beautiful she could be everything she wanted, a model or a film star or a real princess even, like bloody Grace Kelly.

‘Actually, he came here.’

Portia was in the San. And she was infectious so she wasn’t allowed visitors. He would have known that, so he must have come over to see me. I wondered why he hadn’t let me know in advance. I had checked the usual place for messages but there had been nothing. But all I said was, ‘I didn’t think Portia was allowed visitors.’

Rose did her little giggle again. ‘She isn’t.’

‘Oh. So he came for nothing.’ I prepared to walk off again when Rose said, ‘Actually, he came to see me.’

I snapped round. ‘To see you?’

Rose pointed at Eliza, who was sitting on the floor as usual, her black exercise book resting against her knees, drawing or scribbling. ‘Liza set it up.’

I turned and looked at Eliza. ‘
You
set it up?’

She didn’t respond at first. She was too busy sketching. But I asked again and my voice must have been sharper than I had intended because now, when she looked, I saw I had startled her. Then she frowned. ‘I just told him Rose might like him to come over, that’s all.’

I stared at her. The anger came slowly, starting in the pit of my stomach and swelling until I thought it would choke me. I tried to speak but it took two attempts before I managed.

‘You just thought you’d interfere, did you?’

Eliza blinked. ‘C’mon, there’s . . .’ But Rose butted in. ‘Look, Sa . . . Cassandra, we all know you had a crush on Julian but that doesn’t mean you own him. Anyway, you said yourself that you like Miles Boyd.’

That would be right. They would think that would be just the perfect match. Me and Miles; the two second-raters, the hangers-on. But my voice was steady as I told her, ‘I didn’t say I
liked
, liked him. I said he was one of my friends. We’re in the debating team together and that’s all.’

Rose looked bored now the topic had switched away from her. Eliza was obviously feeling uncomfortable. She should do.

Then Rose turned back to me. ‘We kissed, actually. And I’m sorry if that upsets you but you will have to get over it. You can’t just lay claim to someone because you like them. It’s not as if you’re a couple or anything.’ The way she said that was as if the very thought was absurd.

I clenched my fists so hard my nails dug into my flesh. ‘Proper kissing? Or a peck on the cheek?’

She opened her mouth to answer then closed it again. She shook her head.

‘Tell me.’

‘Look, if you’re going to be weird about it . . .’

I practically ran the four miles to LABs. I didn’t care that it wasn’t a half-day. I didn’t care that I’d get detention for the rest of my life if anyone saw me, I only knew that if I didn’t get to see him, talk to him, I might die.

I found David sitting smoking behind the cricket pavilion. ‘I need to see Julian,’ I said.

‘Are you all right?’

I thought I’d scream if one more person asked me that. But I needed to calm down and I imagined my voice tied to a balloon so it would come out all light and unbothered. ‘I’m fine. I’ve been walking really fast, that’s all. So where is he?’

David shrugged. ‘
I
don’t know. Maybe he’s doing prep.’

‘Please can you go and find him. Tell him I really need to speak to him.’

He smirked. ‘Take it easy.’ But then he looked at me again and with a little shake of his head he stubbed out the cigarette, putting the butt away in his shirt pocket, and lumbered to his feet. ‘Wait here.’

I sat down in the grass. Time had nothing to do with the moving of the hands on a clock. I learnt that while I waited for Julian. I have no idea how long that wait lasted but it gave me a taste of what eternity would be like in hell.

At last I thought I saw him as a figure moved towards me from the direction of the main school building, but as I stumbled to my feet I saw it wasn’t him. I had been playing with a stone and now I lobbed it at the magpie that sat laughing in a nearby tree. But I didn’t even come close to hitting the damn thing; it just cackled even louder, taking lazy flight, circling overhead before returning to its perch.

There he was, ambling towards me. But I was wrong again. They all walked the same way, as if their legs were too long and needed folding.

Finally I saw him, sauntering across the grass as if he had nowhere in particular to go, hands in his pockets, looking down at his feet and then up at the sky, kicking at a can or something as he went. I felt hot and my watch felt too tight. I took it off and chucked it on the grass next to me. I wanted to run towards him but I forced myself to stay put. He didn’t seem to have spotted me.