Dropping Gloves (15 page)

Right now, it was coming at me from multiple directions.

I didn’t want to die. Absolutely. Did. Not. Want. To die. But I also couldn’t bear the thought of no longer being able to do what I’d been born to do. Yes, I had decided to walk away from Hollywood, but that was the sort of decision I could change my mind about at any moment, should the right opportunity present itself. I didn’t think I would ever go back and act again, but that didn’t mean I ought to close the door completely.

Acting had never been my true love. It was just one of those things that I
could
do in addition to singing. All through the years when I was a kid, I’d done musical theater because it kept me busy all the time. When I’d first gone to LA, I’d tried to convince Derek that singing was where my heart was, that it was what I wanted to devote myself to, but he’d convinced me his plan was better for my career in the long run.
There’s this show
, he’d told me.
Like
Glee
or
Fame
, acting, but also lots of singing and dancing. You can make use of all your skills at once, and if it takes off like I think it will, it’ll pay you better and open more doors for you
.

He’d been right about the show taking off and it opening doors for me. And maybe, if what I’d truly been after were fame and fortune, starring in
The Cool Kids
would have been worth it. But it had come at a great cost, too. It had introduced me to Jesse Carmichael and his crowd, who had introduced me to drugs and partying and the uglier side of fame. It had put Beau Brunetti into my path, a man who had been silky and seductive, trapping me into thinking he cared for me as much as he cared for the image we presented to the world. A man who had introduced me to the sorts of depravities I wished I could burn from my mind. There was no erasing these things from my past, but I could damn well keep them from being part of my future.

If I was going to have a future at all.

I wanted one. I didn’t just want any old future, either, but one with Jamie. I’d probably always loved him, from the moment I’d first met him, but other things I’d thought I wanted had proven to be far different from what they’d been in my dreams. Maybe I was incapable of knowing what I truly wanted. Maybe I didn’t understand myself well enough to make these kinds of decisions about my life. That was yet another fear that was closing in on me, squeezing the life out of me. What if it was just a ginormous gaffe, another one to add to the long string of errors in judgment I’d already made? But it was Jamie, so could it
really
be as bad as all that?

All of these fears kept growing and expanding, overwhelming me with their intensity and mass. They made me feel small and inconsequential. Like I was sinking in quicksand, and darkness was surrounding me, enclosing me. Suffocating me. I didn’t know how to climb out of it. I didn’t know if I would ever be free from the memories of the massive blunders I’d made over the years in the name of furthering my career.

All of this was racing through my head as I cleaned up after dinner. Jamie had offered to help, but I’d waved him away and told him to stay with my parents, preferring to have a few moments to myself. The monotony of rinsing plates and putting them in the dishwasher was a perfect escape, allowing me to sort through the uncomfortable reality my life had become.

I added some detergent to the washer and set it to run, then put some soap on a wet cloth to wipe down the stove and counters, nearing the end of my peace and quiet. For a moment, I debated cleaning the fridge or the oven, just to prolong my respite, but Jamie walked in before I could start on either of those projects.

“Hey,” he said gently.

I glanced up, brushing my hair behind my ear, to find him leaning his hip and shoulder against the doorframe and looking good enough to eat. “Hey,” I replied, scrubbing the countertops hard enough to wear a hole in them.

“I should…uh… I should go. Get out of here. Let you have some time with your parents.”

“You don’t have to go.” I didn’t want him to leave. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to stay, either. I was as confused about him all of a sudden as I was about everything else, and all because he wanted me to have the surgery that we all knew I had to have or else I would die. I was a damned mess. I rinsed my cloth under the faucet, wrung it out, and hung it on the rack under the sink to dry, then turned to face him.

He had his arms and his ankles crossed, his head cocked slightly to the side. It made me wonder what he thought when he saw me. Did he undress me in his mind the way I did with him? But every time I did it, I felt as if I were using him the way Beau had used me. In my head, I knew there was a ton of difference between the two. I was just an object to Beau; Jamie was as good as salvation to me. My heart was having a hard time catching up with my head, though, and I felt unclean for thinking about Jamie in that way.

“I mean it,” I said. “You can stay, if you want.”

“What I want is to clear up what’s going on between us.”

My heart went all fluttery. It had been a long time since I’d felt anything like that—nerves zinging and everything turning floaty and light as air, but there was nothing solid for me to get a grip on. No man had ever been able to do that to me but Jamie. I backed up to the counter, gripping the edge of it to ground myself. “Meaning what, exactly?”

“Meaning I want to put words to it. I want to give it a name. I’m not okay with kissing you and holding you, being by your side for all the things a boyfriend would be there for, without it being understood in no uncertain terms that that’s what I am to you. I want us to be a couple. I want to be by your side through everything that’s coming, to hold your hand when you’re scared and pick you up when you’re weak. I want to know that you’re not going to run to some other asshole when we disagree or when I try to make sure you do what we both know is for the best for you. I want you to run to me, even if I piss you off. Because I will piss you off. Because I love you. And because you love me. And because I can’t go one more day without being able to tell you that as often as it comes to mind, which is about a dozen times a minute.”

Somewhere around the second or third word out of his mouth, my legs had felt like pudding, so it was a good thing I was already holding myself against the counter. If I let go now, I’d probably end up on my face instead of in his arms, which was the only place I wanted to be.

“I do love you, Jamie,” I said, gripping the counter so hard my fingers hurt. “I love you, and I’m furious that you would go along with my parents against me even if it’s for the best, and there’s no one else I would rather run to, and I’m scared. God, I’m so scared.” The last bit of that came out through blubbering tears, but it didn’t matter because Jamie crossed the room and put his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder, tucking it into that special space that seemed to have been designed to carry burdens, big and small. And he held me.

“I’m scared, too,” he whispered in my ear. But then he held me tighter, and some of my fear lifted because he was there. With me.

I stuck around
for a few hours after dinner. We watched
Dancing with the Stars
because Zanna McQuaid, one of Katie’s co-stars from
The Cool Kids
, was competing and paired up with a Russian dude who acted like he was God’s gift to women. Judging from the reaction of the women in the audience, not to mention Laura, maybe he wasn’t the only one to think so.

I wasn’t so sure about that. He came across as a demanding ass to me. One look at Katie when the guy yelled at her friend for screwing up in practice was all I needed to know we were in agreement on that. She visibly cringed and burrowed more fully into my side. That only made me wonder what, exactly, had gone on with the guys she’d dated over the years. I sure as fuck wasn’t going to bring it up in front of her father, though, whatever it might have been. That was something that we could talk about when it was just the two of us. And we would. Soon. There were things I needed to know, even if hearing it ripped me to shreds.

Zanna and her partner danced a rumba to the same song that had played over Katie’s video that night she’d sung the anthem. It was a sensual dance, full of sexy moves that looked like they belonged in a bedroom more than on live television. At first, I watched and wondered how Zanna could dance with him like that when only days ago he’d been berating her, but then my thoughts shifted. To the song.

Or more specifically, to the band. It was by The End of All Things, one of the biggest rock bands in the world these days. They were Katie’s favorite band, too, or at least they had been a few years ago. But they just so happened to be based out of Portland. Not only that, but I had a connection with them. Burnzie’s wife, Brie, was a ballroom dancer who’d starred in one of their music videos and had helped to choreograph a few dances for their latest tour. My thoughts took off in a thousand directions at once, trying to come up with something I could do for Katie to make her decision easier. Maybe if she could do something with them, one final big moment when she could see some of her dreams come true…maybe then she would be willing to go through with the thyroidectomy. It was certainly an idea worth exploring.

I’d been lost in thought for a few minutes when Katie elbowed me in the ribs.

“Ouch,” I said, rubbing the spot she’d hit. Considering I got slammed into the boards and worse on a regular basis by guys easily twice her size, you’d think I would be immune to something like that.

“Get your phone out and vote,” she said. She rattled off the number. “Seven times,” she added once I’d disconnected the call. “And then seven texts, and seven votes on the website with your email address.”

“Got it.”

Webs chuckled to himself, but I couldn’t help but notice he was doing exactly as Laura had ordered him to do, too.

Once I had sufficiently voted according to Katie’s instructions, she settled against me again, tucking her feet up under her and letting me put my arm around her. It felt cozy and perfect, and I didn’t want it to end. Before long, though, the show was over and I needed to get home. We had practice tomorrow, and then I had to do a couple of radio spots and things like that. Plus the Thunderbirds would be getting into town, and I was buying Razor dinner, and Katie would be moving in to her new house. It was going to be a busy day, to say the least.

All I wanted to do was stay right where I was. Or maybe take Katie home with me, but I didn’t think that was going to happen. Not at the moment, at least. I didn’t want to rush anything, particularly not since she had so much on her mind right now. Some things were worth waiting for and doing right.

“I should get home,” I said, straightening myself away from her. “Don’t want to show up to practice tomorrow without getting enough rest.”

“You probably need to go play with Blackbeard, anyway,” Katie said.

Webs popped up a brow. “Blackbeard?”

“Jamie got a kitten.”

“And named it Blackbeard?” Webs’s shoulders shook with the effort of containing his laughter.

I shrugged. “He perches on my shoulder.”

“You two realize Blackbeard was the pirate, right? Not the parrot?”

“Nobody remembers the parrot’s name,” Katie said defensively.

Webs snorted and turned to me. “The boys will give you shit when they find out.”

Considering how much shit they’d give me if they found out other pertinent information, I wasn’t too worried about the teasing I’d get over a kitten’s name.

“Well, they don’t have any reason to find out about that, now do they?” Laura said with a meaningful look at her husband.

“Guess it depends.” He eyed me as I stood. “Depends on how you treat my little girl.”

And we were back to the threats I’d come to know and expect from him. I nodded, holding back a grin. We were on familiar footing again, and that made me a hell of a lot more comfortable with the situation.

“See you in the morning,” I said to him, but he was already pulling up his iPad to look at more game film. He just nodded and gave me a brief wave. Then I turned to Laura. “Thanks for dinner.”

“You’re welcome anytime. It’s nice to have other people over. Feels more like when the kids were growing up, like we’re a family.”

I thought she might be skipping a few steps, saying it felt like family, but that was definitely the direction I wanted things to go.

Katie followed me to the entryway, taking my hand to slow me when we reached the hall. I stopped just inside the door, pivoting to face her because it seemed as if she had something she wanted to say. Her hair was down, obscuring her face, so I tucked it behind her ear. I wanted to see her clearly, see everything going on in her eyes.

There was a tumultuous storm there. Understandable, given the events of the day. Hell, the last week or more, even. She nibbled on her lower lip before finally spitting it out. “Sometimes in life,” she said cautiously, “you think you know what you want, and you want it with a fire that consumes you to the point that you’re willing to give up just about anything to get it. So you do. You give up everything, and you work, and you sacrifice and compromise, and then you get it. You finally get your hands wrapped around that elusive thing that has been eating you alive. But then, only after you have it, you realize that it’s not what you thought it would be. It’s empty and hollow, and what you really wanted—what you needed—is exactly the thing you gave up to get it.”

“Don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone,” I said, cracking a grin.

She smiled, too, but the smile wasn’t as bright as usual. There was a sadness to it that might bring me to my knees if I wasn’t careful.

“Right. Exactly,” she said.

“I know you gave up a lot to go to Hollywood. I understand it. I always did. I might not have wanted to let you go, but I understood why you had to. But now you’re back.”

“I am.” She wrung her hands together, giving me a moment’s pause. “Because it wasn’t what I really wanted. What I really want is you.”

She’d already made that clear, so I wasn’t sure why she felt the need to explain it again. I nodded for her to go on.

“But I need to be able to sing, too.”

“Ah. I see.” I wasn’t enough. Not that I wanted her to give up everything for me. I needed to remind myself of that and not let it hurt my ego. I loved Katie because of everything about her, all the disparate parts that made up the whole. I didn’t want her to give up pieces of herself in order to be with me. I would hate it if she felt she had to. If she
wanted
to, that was another story entirely. “Will I see you tomorrow?” I asked.

“Furniture’s coming in the morning. Mom’s going to bring me over and then I’ll be there getting settled most of the day. You could come over whenever you have time.”

My time was definitely going to be limited tomorrow, but that didn’t matter. “Want to come to dinner with me and Razor? We can celebrate your new house.”

She laughed. “You’re still friends with him, huh?”

“He’s good for me. Keeps me from being too serious all the time.”

The arch of her brow underscored her laughter. “Okay. Dinner it is.” She stretched up on her tiptoes, putting both arms around my neck to draw me down for a kiss.

I was completely on board with kissing her again—as often as possible—but after a moment, I remembered we were in her father’s house. I separated myself before things got too heated. “I don’t think your dad would be very happy if he came around the corner right now and saw this going on.”

“Why wouldn’t he be?” she asked. “He’s been trying to set us up since the day I came back to Portland.”

“He might be all right with us getting together, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s setting us up.”

“Then you haven’t been paying attention. The prom picture. My realtor showing me that house. Dad telling you about my cancer being back even though I’d told him not to. That was all him, and it was all done to give us a nudge.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Not at all.

“Better the devil you know,” Katie replied. I shook my head, not following. She quirked up a grin. “That’s his explanation. He likes you. He wants me to be happy. To be loved.”

That might be, but I still doubted he would be very forgiving about seeing me with my hands on his daughter. It’d be best to save that for times when we were alone, or at least not in his foyer. “Tomorrow,” I said. “I’ll kiss you all you want tomorrow.” When we were alone.

“Promise?”

I met her gaze and held it. “Promise.” Not that it would be a difficult promise to keep. “Spend some extra time with your mom,” I added. “She needs it.”

Katie nodded. She kissed me again before I left, and it was all I could do not to beg her to come with me now. But I didn’t. She needed some time with her parents, and maybe some time by herself to sort out how she felt about everything. And I had something I needed to do.

I got in my car and headed across the river. I wasn’t going home, though. Not yet. The lights were still on at Burnzie’s house when I drove up, and Jonny’s pickup truck was there. I probably should have called before coming over, or at least texted to be sure it was all right, but I didn’t think of that until I was getting out of my car. Too late now.

I rang the bell.

A chorus of barks sounded almost immediately, followed by, “Shut the fuck up already.” The porch light flipped on right before Burnzie opened the door looking harassed, his three large dogs barking excitedly behind him. He glared at me. “What the fuck do you want at this hour?”

“Actually, I was hoping I could talk to Brie about something.” I dragged a hand through my hair.

“Your hair’s a fucking mess. What do you need to see my wife for?”

“It’s about Katie.”

Burnzie eyed me for a second. Then he stepped back, body-blocking his dogs to give me room to follow. “Come on. She’s in the living room.”

Jonny and his wife, Sara, were there, along with their three-year-old son, Connor. Sara was in the late stages of pregnancy and had her feet up. Brie was apparently pregnant, too, not that you could tell it yet. Burnzie had filled us in during training camp. Jonny was on the floor acting as a jungle gym for his son. As soon as the dogs returned with us, though, Connor decided to climb the German shepherd instead of his father.

Based on how calm the dog stayed, I got the distinct impression that he was used to it. Not that it should surprise me. A lot of the guys had kids around that age these days, and Burnzie’s house was so big that he often hosted parties for the whole team. It made more sense than trying to rent somewhere that could accommodate us all.