Drive Me Sane (13 page)

“I’m not being rough. I told you to put on sunscreen.”

She’d known as soon as they got home yesterday that he would be paying for his lack of skin protection. He carried his pale complexion well, but the bright rays of the sun had never been his friend.

“Sunscreen is for pansies.”

“Sunscreen is for people who don’t want skin cancer or wrinkles.”

“Darlin’, you’re going to get wrinkles anyway. It’s called old age and we are all going to die someday.”

“Maybe so,” she answered, grazing her fingertips over his velvet colored shoulders. “But why hurry the process or make it worse? There,” she said with the click of the lid. “Can we go now? I’m ready for another day enjoying the outdoors.”

Holding on to the sidebar of the Kubota with a death grip, Sera’s body jostled from side to side along the rough narrow path. The long sleeves she wore did nothing to inhibit the briar bushes from attaching her arms, but at least her legs were safe inside the all-terrain vehicle. The vibration of her head against the back of the seat as they ascended up a small hill made her wonder why on earth she’d once thought riding the old logging trails behind Roy’s house was fun. That was, until the bumpy road turned into one of the many hidden beauties of the Bluegrass State: an open pasture filled with leafy green grass and blossoming white and yellow wild flowers.

With a bottle of water, she and Tyler sat on top of a large boulder, taking a break. The fresh air was a godsend after the dust from the trail, as was the slight breeze that blew giving some reprieve to the warm temperature—also indicating that the weatherman was correct. Rain showers were moving in, not that the already flourishing foliage needed any. The vibrant colors of summer were in bloom all around.

Twisting the lid back on her bottle, she looked up at the sky, searching for more proof of the incoming weather. Aside from a few cotton-colored clouds mingling together, nothing stood out. Although she was trying not to think about it, the talk the day before had cemented the fact that Tyler’s time was winding down. Nothing permanent other than she wasn’t going with him had been discussed. The possibility of leaving with Tyler wasn’t something she’d considered when she decided to give this romance a second chance. Actually there was no choice to be made. Long distance for now was all that she could give. It was a situation that scared her, though, because the separation had been tough for them before.

“So where does the tour kick off?” she asked, dangling her feet against the oversized rock.

“Charlotte.”

“Are you excited?”

“Yeah, I am, but it’s also a lot of work. I’ll be worn out by the time February comes.”

“You’ll be home for Christmas, right?”

Tyler threw her a teasing grin. “Missing me already?”

“Actually I am.” Although fully clothed, saying things like that made her feel as if she were stark naked.

“Then come with me.”

She took in a sharp breath, unable to blame anyone but herself for opening the door to that again. Unfortunately, this time she couldn’t use the excuse of breaking rules to change the subject. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Not really. I don’t understand what’s stopping you.”

Sliding off the side of the rock, she crossed her arms and ankles and leaned back. “I have appointments, for one.”

“We’ll make sure you’re home for the appointments.”

She let out a deep breath. What happened to things being easy? “It’s not just about the appointments.”

Tyler jumped down next to her. The empty water bottle in his hand wound up tightly into a spiral. “Is it about not trusting me, then?”

Irritated that he’d brought up trust as an issue, she straightened her shoulders. “You wouldn’t be sleeping in my bed if I didn’t trust you.”

He matched her stare, the disdain in his voice clear. “We aren’t exactly sleeping together, though.”

She needed no reminder that they weren’t having sex. Every night as she stretched out next to him and every morning as she woke with him by her side, her body informed her of its frustrations.

“Is this how it’s going to be?” she snapped back.

“How what’s going to be?”

“We spend the last few days fighting over every stupid little thing?”

He leaned back. His jaw set tight as he ground his teeth together. “Are you going to tell Roy?”

She turned, planting a shoulder against the rock, knowing exactly what he was asking. “No. And you’re not going to either.”

“Does your mom know?”

“No,” she spat, growing frustrated.

“How much have you told Maggie?”

“Nothing.” Sera looked down at the ground. “She thought my appointment was a routine physical exam. Something the army requires when you get out.”

“What about anybody you served with? Do you keep in contact with any of them?”

Rollins popped into her head. She hadn’t heard from him for almost ten months. But not a day went by he didn’t seep into her mind. “Most are getting ready to redeploy or have been transferred somewhere else. Some have gotten out and we’ve lost touch.”

“So you have no one.”

He made it sound terrible. As if she was all alone without a friend in the world. Which she was, in a way. Except for him, and he was leaving. “I do just fine by myself.”

He smirked with annoyance. “Really, Sera? Fine? I don’t think sitting out by a railroad track freaked the hell out is fine.”

His point made, she flamed with irritation that he’d done so with such a low blow. Hands on her hips, she shouted, “What do you want me to say, Tyler? I’m lost here, but I’m trying. If I leave with you now, I’d drive us both crazy. You can’t babysit me and that’s what you’d want to do. I can’t drive, I barely sleep. You want to drag me out on the road with you and deal with all of that when you already have so much stress in your life? No, thanks! I’ve already messed up one person’s life. I’m not going to be responsible for another.”

• • •

Tyler watched Sera walk away. Swearing underneath his breath, he yelled, “Hey, where are you going?” When she didn’t stop, he ran to catch up. “Where are you going?”

She didn’t turn. “Home.”

“Stop. Talk to me.”

Her stride never broke as she climbed into her seat. Tired of all the stifled talks just to keep peace, he leaned against the side with his shoulder, waiting until she was settled, then asked, “What do you mean, you can’t drive?”

So much was starting to make sense, yet it didn’t. The walking back and forth to town, the using the push mower. She’d even told him she’d sold her car, which seemed silly since she hadn’t bought a new one.

“Answer me,” he demanded, when she turned her face away.

Still nothing. The agitation he felt from his first few days back in Cobb City came barreling back. He thought they’d surpassed all the secrets. “What do you mean, you can’t drive, Sera?”

When she still refused to look at him, he lost his patience and slammed both fists down on the top of the Kubota. She jumped at the sound, but said nothing. “Talk to me, dammit!”

Her face finally met his, and a river of silent tears ran steadily down each flushed cheek. Even through the anger of being ignored, his gut twisted. Raking a hand through his hair, he rounded the front of the vehicle and got in. He knew not being able to drive was directly related to the incident in Afghanistan. Swallowing back his anger, he said, “I’ve been waiting for you to tell me, but I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen, so I’m asking. What happened over there?”

Sera wiped at her face, corralling the tears as she sniffed back the emotions she’d let loose. For a few moments, Tyler wasn’t sure she would answer, but then when she quieted, she finally did.

“We were on security duty. Rollins and I were in front leading the way,” she wept.

He sat quietly listening, waiting for her to go on, all the while also considering who Rollins was. Obviously someone she served with, but man or woman, enlisted or superior? And was Rollins the one she’d been involved in the accident with?

“We had to ride around the perimeter of the town we were in. It was an easy task. In the eleven months we’d been there, there hadn’t been any threats and no reason to worry. They tell you never to get too comfortable or let your guard down, but all of us had.”

She paused, choking back more tears. “We started our normal route. Stopped to talk to some of the locals before continuing on. The sun was so bright that day. I told Rollins that I couldn’t wait to see snow again and he laughed because I had mentioned how much I hated the winters in Kentucky. Then we started talking about what we planned to do on leave when we got back to the States.” Swiping at her face again, she went on. “I never noticed how deserted the area along the railroad tracks was until it was too late. But I looked around and it became apparent just when a loud whistle blew.” Sera stopped again, heaving in a deep breath. “I thought a train was coming.” She looked off to the side. “No trains ever passed through there, though.”

Covering her eyes with her hands, she said, “There was never a train. I guess I imagined the whistle.”

Tyler listened as Sera’s cries turned into a soul-ripping howl. The conversation he’d patiently waited to have for more than a week was harder to bear than he’d imagined. He shook his head, rubbing his hand over his face. Needing some comfort to soothe his own aching emotions, he reached out to take her hand, but she folded them together in her lap.

“I remember every painstaking detail,” Sera continued. “When the blast went off, the pressure of my jaw smashing up into the roof of my mouth was so excruciating. Each of my eardrums felt as if they were being gouged with the tip of a knife at the same time. It was like someone was driving screws down into the top of my head. Those are just the immediate sensations—when the shock of it begins to subside, it’s the lung-clogging smoke that makes you think you’re dying.”

Tyler finally found his voice. “But you were okay?”

Sera shook her head, but let out a small, dry laugh. “I thought I was dead. I couldn’t see anything, my face was so filled with dust and grime. I didn’t know the truck was on its side until I unbuckled my seatbelt and fell down into the passenger seat. I figured the pain I felt in my side as I hit meant I wasn’t dead.” She tried to laugh again, but it came out weak.

“What about Rollins?” Tyler asked.

Sera cleared her throat, staring straight ahead as if she were reliving the accident in her mind. “He was thrown from the truck and somehow got pinned underneath.”

“He was okay, though?”

She shook her head again, swiping at the tears that began to fall once more. “He suffered some injuries, but he recovered from them.”

He wondered if Rollins was suffering the way Sera was, but didn’t want to distract her by asking. His only concern at the moment was trying to fully understand what she was going through. “And driving?”

Sera met his eyes for the briefest of moments. “Is simply something I just don’t want to do.”

“Don’t want to or can’t?”

“I’m sure I can if I tried. I don’t want to.”

Tyler dropped his head to his chest, knowing she wouldn’t admit it was a fear. Shifting sideways, he reached out, but she pushed away, planking up next to the frame of the machine. The act stabbed him in the chest, but he took no offense. She’d just told him something he was pretty certain she hadn’t shared with anyone other than her therapist and maybe the other guy involved, and that meant more to him than his need to hold her at the moment. Sensing she needed some space and ready for a change of scenery himself, he took a deep breath, trying to slow the pace of his pulse, then turned the key in the ignition. The Kubota propelled forward, and they headed home.

He’d barely put the machine in park when Sera darted to the house. Trying to absorb everything she’d said and give her a few minutes of space, he waited a moment before following her in. He heard the shower running. Hoping the night didn’t go downhill from here, he went to his room and pulled off his boots. Stretching out lengthwise on the bed, he closed his eyes. Being out in the sun the past two days had devoured his energy. The sunburn didn’t help. His skin ached to the touch and was raw in spots, a result of the beating it took while out on the trails. His mind was just as exhausted as his body. Funny how that worked—woken from a good night’s rest only to be completely drained by a small bit of information.

The incident in Afghanistan was worse than he’d imagined. His mom had made it sound like a small act, but it was much more than that. Two people had been greatly affected, one of whom suffered physical wounds. And Sera thought she was making more of her problems than acceptable. No wonder she had nightmares. Who wouldn’t? Now, on top of everything else she’d endured, she was battling the fear of driving. Knowing how deeply intrusive her disorder was, he couldn’t consciously walk away, leaving her to deal with it on her own. Which meant if she wouldn’t come with him, then he’d have to stay there with her.

Feeling better after washing the stress of the day away, Sera closed up the house and turned off all the lights. Certain Tyler had already gone to bed, she passed her room when she saw he wasn’t there. His door was open, the light still on. He was sound asleep, though, still dressed in the dirty jeans and old ragged T-shirt from the day. She wanted to talk to him again. To better explain what happened in Afghanistan and the reasons why she didn’t want to drive. She had never admitted that fear to anyone, not Rollins or her therapists, and although she hadn’t meant to drop it out like she had, somehow it had rolled off her tongue easily with Tyler. Talking did help, but until now there had never been anyone that she trusted enough to do so with. Except for Rollins, but that ended up being complicated.

She wasn’t sure when the two of them became more than just friends. In their first months back from Afghanistan, they spent a lot of time together. Of course that was before either realized that they were suffering any emotional effects from their incident. They talked a lot about what happened over there and then one day she recognized he was flirting with her. It was a little surprising because she’d never seen him that way, but it also excited her too. She hadn’t thought of anyone romantically since Tyler and she’d missed him more than she could ever put into words since returning to the States. As badly as she hated to admit it now, the attention from Rollins was a welcome distraction from her constant thoughts of Tyler.