Dreams of Desire (33 page)

John nodded toward the door. Livid, Edward spun and marched out, and John was relieved to have him go.

Esther would leave in the morning, too, as would the twins and Violet. John would be alone with Lily while he figured out how to proceed with her.

He hadn’t seen her since they’d burst into the chapel during the memorial service. They’d been separated by the crowd, and his reappearance had created such a stir that he hadn’t had a chance to slip away and be with her.

No doubt she was confused by his conduct, but he’d been busy with many pressing issues that—in light of Edward’s shenanigans—couldn’t be ignored.

First, he’d wasted hours being doctored for injuries he’d sustained in their dark and treacherous escape. Next, he’d spent a good portion of the afternoon and evening with his land agent, drafting letters to revoke the power Edward had seized.

By the time John had fallen into bed, it had been very late, and he’d been too exhausted to visit Lily.

Then, shortly after dawn, Dudley had shown up, demanding that John accompany him to the old dungeon to review Dudley’s evidence of perfidy. Upon John’s investigation, his entire life was suddenly in flux.

His betrothal was up in the air. His brother and stepmother couldn’t be trusted not to murder him, and he’d ceased to care about the twins or his obligation to them.

His experience with Lily had altered him, had forced him to understand that he needed to make different choices and consider other options. She would be front and center in any new situation, and he was excited to tell her.

He left the library and climbed the rear stairs to her bedchamber.

There had been terrible gossip about her—he’d heard some of it—and he’d sent word through the housekeeper that she should stay out of sight to avoid any discomfort.

In the meantime, he’d arranged for the family’s exodus so he and Lily could have the castle all to themselves. He couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when he told her of the changes he’d instituted. Just for her. Just to make her happy.

He rapped on the door, then walked in, but he was befuddled by the scene he encountered. Her possessions had been removed, and the furniture was covered with sheets.

He couldn’t shift his thoughts beyond that point.

Hurrying out, he stopped a maid to ask about Lily, only to learn that she’d departed early that morning.

“Departed?” he gasped.

“Yes.”

“To where?”

“I don’t know, milord. Your stepmother would have more information.”

Esther! He should have guessed.

While he’d been putting out the fires Edward had ignited, Esther had been perpetrating further mischief. She hadn’t yet realized that the pendulum of authority had briefly swung in one direction, but it had swung back swiftly enough. If she’d behaved horridly to Lily, John would wring her scrawny neck.

He stormed to her boudoir and entered without knocking. He was about to unleash a blistering tirade of questions and commands, when he noticed Esther wasn’t alone.

Violet was with her. They were seated together on the sofa, watching the door, expecting him to arrive. He was momentarily confounded, and his bluster waned.

Since his return, he hadn’t spoken to Violet, and he wasn’t about to speak with her now. What was he to say?

“John, there you are,” Esther said. “Please join us.”

She gestured to a chair across from them, but if he sat in it, he’d have to stare at them while they chatted. He couldn’t bear the notion.

“Violet, would you excuse us? I need to confer with Esther.”

Violet bristled, but she couldn’t refuse him. Grudgingly, she stood, her lips pursed with fury.

“I will go,” she replied, “but I must know one thing before I do.”

“What is it?”

“Are you still planning to marry me? If so, I would hear your affirmation at once.”

“Wait outside,” was his response.

“Should I take that to mean that your answer is
no
?”

“You should take it to
mean
that I would like to speak with Esther—without you being present.”

“Why is it so difficult for you to verify your promise to me? Is it because you have decided to break it?”

This was not a conversation he was ready to have. Nor was it the setting in which he would have it. He was anxious over Lily’s whereabouts, and he merely wanted to talk to Esther about her. Was it too much to ask that he could have some privacy while he did so?

“Go down to the library,” he insisted. “I will meet you there shortly.”

He forced himself to calm, forced himself to remember that it had been a traumatic week for everyone. They had all been operating under extreme stress, and she was only eighteen.

“I won’t go to your library,” she retorted with unusual temerity. “I won’t waste another second wondering what you are about to do.”

He sighed. “What would you have me say?”

“You have made me a laughingstock throughout the kingdom. Will you jilt me, too?”

“Wait for me in the hall.”

He took her arm to escort her out, but she yanked away.

“I will tarry for fifteen minutes,” she snapped. “If you do not emerge to inform me that your commitment is firm and unshakable, then we shall have nothing more to discuss.”

She stomped out and slammed the door, leaving him with Esther. Esther studied him with a stony expression, and his own wasn’t any better.

He was aggrieved over the power she’d usurped, over her treatment of Barbara. While his feelings for Barbara were conflicted and complicated, he would never have cast her out without a penny.

“Where is Miss Lambert?” he started.

“Why on earth would you feel it appropriate to mention her?”

There was a tea tray on the table in front of her, and as if she hadn’t a care in the world, she leaned over and poured herself a cup.

“Where is she?” he demanded more sharply.

“Honestly, John, Violet is standing just outside. Lower your voice or she’ll hear you shouting your paramour’s name.”

“I don’t give a damn about Violet.”

“Really? With how you’ve embarrassed her, you’re lucky she’s willing to proceed with the marriage.”

He marched over, grabbed teacup and saucer away from her, and banged them down so hard that the saucer cracked in half.

“Tell me where she is, or I swear to God, I will take a switch to you.”

She rose to her feet, looking regal and offended.

“If you must know, she has left.”

“Left!”

“Yes.”

He felt as if she’d delivered a body blow, and he doubled over and sank into the chair Violet had vacated.

“Where did she go?”

“She didn’t confide her destination to me. I assume it was England.”

Esther walked over to her writing desk, retrieved a piece of paper, and waved it under his nose. “Here is her letter of resignation.”

“Why would she quit?”

“The more pertinent question is: Why would she stay? What is wrong with you? Have the past few days addled your wits?”

He scanned the words Lily had penned, trying to glean her motives, trying to ascertain some clue as to where she might be.

The last paragraph stuck in his craw:
I’m sorry for the scandal I’ve brought to Lady Violet. It was never my intent. I hope you’ll offer her my sincerest apologies, just as I hope the two of you will be desperately happy together in the years to come.

She’d addressed him as Lord Penworth, and she’d signed it as
Miss Lambert
. Not Lily. The note was cool and to the point, providing no hint of the remarkable ardor that had flourished between them in the grotto.

How could she just pick up and go? He couldn’t accept that she’d done it of her own volition. She fancied him, and he might even be so bold as to say she loved him. She wouldn’t sneak away.

“What did you do to her?” he seethed.

“Me! I did nothing. A housemaid was inquiring into your sexual prowess—if you were any
good
in the bedchamber—and Miss Lambert was aghast at realizing the damage to her reputation.”

“You’re claiming she asked to go?” he sneered, dubious.

“No. She came to me and begged to go. Why would I have prevented her?”

“Why? How about because I love her? How about because I can’t live without her?” His heart pounded with elation. Why was it that he could declare himself to Esther when—in all the time he’d known Lily—he hadn’t been able to tell her?

He’d frequently wondered if he was in love, and their underground nightmare had galvanized his emotions. He loved her. He loved her!

“You . . .
love
her?” Esther laughed coldly. “Oh, that’s rich.”

“I do! I love her!”

“So what? How can it matter?”

John ignored her, his anxious mind awhirl. Where was she? Was she all right? She was in a foreign country, with no funds. He had to locate her and fetch her home before she landed herself in a jam.

“I have to find her,” he mumbled, and he started to stand.

“What?”

“I have to find her. I have to get her back.”

“For what reason?” Esther placed a hand on his shoulder and shoved him down into his chair, and he was so discombobulated that he didn’t fight her.

He tried to rise again, and she barked, “Don’t you dare leave this room.”

Her sharp tone halted him. She went to her cupboard and poured him a brandy. She brought it over, urging him to drink it, and he did. She poured him another, and he drank it, too. The alcohol quickly eased his disordered mental state.

“Listen to me, John, and listen well.”

“No . . . no . . . I have to get going,” he insisted, but with less vigor.

“John! You’re scaring me. I truly believe your ordeal has left you deranged.”

“Because I want to find Lily? It’s the only sane thing I’ve ever done.”

“John, listen to yourself! Hear how you’re talking. Miss Lambert was a servant to this family. Yes, she was pretty and amiable and competent, but she was a
servant
. You hired her to work for us. Think, John. Think of what you’re saying. Think of how you’re acting.”

“I’m afraid that she—”

“She wanted to quit, John. She was more rational about this than you, and she understood that she couldn’t remain. It was impossible. She
knew
that. And you know it, too.” She poured him a third brandy. “Cease your theatrics.”

“Why couldn’t she remain? Why is it impossible?”

He could list the excuses Esther would give, but he asked for them anyway, refusing to relinquish the dream he’d had that he and Lily could end up together.

“What would have been her role?” Esther nagged. “Your mistress? It is the only position she could have held. She had too much respect for herself to settle for such a demeaning situation, and she had too much respect for
you
to let you enter into such a sordid arrangement.”

He stared at Esther, shocked to realize how he loathed her. It was a revelation. Deep down, he burned with a subconscious, abiding animosity.

She’d always been brittle and detached, but despite the distance she’d imposed, he’d usually followed her advice. What about now? Would he allow her to take Lily from him? Would he heed her?

She was absolutely correct in her statements, but he hated for her to be. He didn’t want to be Earl of Penworth, engaged to Violet Howard. He wanted to be John Middleton, a single man, an ordinary man who could betroth himself to Lily Lambert.

“Where is she?” he queried a final time, defeat washing through him.

“I told you: I don’t know. She requested a month’s severance, and I gave her six. She’s thrifty and prudent. She’ll be fine. You needn’t worry about her. You need to worry about yourself and how you’ll proceed from here on out.”

“I didn’t have a chance to say good-bye.”

“A clean break is for the best.”

“But a simple good-bye! How could that have been wrong?”

“It would merely have prolonged the inevitable.”

“She deserved more from me.”

“Of course she did, but she recognized that she was in desperate trouble. She was drowning—because of you.”

“So she had to save herself?”

“No. She had to save
you.
She loved you, and she saved you from yourself.”

“I just want to be happy,” he muttered to himself, his dream floating away. “I could have been happy with her.”

Esther clucked her tongue. “You will be happy. With Violet. At the moment, you’re still suffering the effects of your recent tribulations. Your faculties are rattled. You’re not yourself, but you will be.”

“I don’t wish to marry Violet.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. If anything, you should smooth over the scandal by moving up the wedding date. As soon as we’re back in London, you should apply for a Special License and hold the ceremony right away.”

A knock sounded on the door. He glanced at the clock on the mantel and saw that they’d been conversing for exactly fifteen minutes. Apparently, Violet had decided his time was up.

“If you rebuff her, John,” Esther said, “I’ll never forgive you.”

“What if I don’t care?”

She threw up her hands in disgust. “Go ahead, then. Ruin your life! Ruin your future! If you toss her over—to chase after your paramour—there’s not a father in London who will let you within a hundred yards of his daughter. You’ll die a bachelor—without issue. You’ll have failed in your sole responsibility to your father and your family. Is that your plan? If so, why not simply abdicate to Edward so he can start his nursery? Put us all out of our misery.”

They were harsh, cruel words, but they were spot on.