Dreams Ltd (44 page)

“Keep quiet, sweetie.... Try to sleep and you will feel better. The darkness will go away.”

“Will it?” I asked, not noticing how my fingers squeezed someone's shoulder, “It’s pitch black around me and I can’t remember anything...”

“It will be better when morning comes. Try to fall asleep.”

Someone was stroking my hair and I instinctively buried myself into the tender fingers.

“Is it a nightmare?”

“Yes, it will pass. I’m with you.”

“Pass? Good...” I relaxed a little. At least I wasn’t alone in this darkness. There were no thoughts, no memories, but the fear has faded away. I stopped shivering, feeling apathetic but nice.

My consciousness imploded as suddenly as it appeared. I fell asleep.

The next time I woke up from a severe pain. My head was being split in two by a red-hot rod. I began sobbing again, before I managed to wake up fully.

“Painful... painful... painful...”

I felt someone’s hand on my forehead; sometimes warm fingers would stroke it, bringing me a relief.

“Painful... painful...”

“It doesn’t hurt as much now... Sleep.”

I fell asleep again just to wake up many more times later in the night, feeling that panic, despair and pain that were taking turns to attack me. Every moment I was awake, the darkness would petrify me, the emptiness would get torn apart by someone’s shadows and inaudible screams; and the pain, like a hammer, would put a steel bolt through my forehead. That familiar voice would get through the fear, whispering some hushed and comforting words - sometimes they sounded louder, sometimes quieter. At times it was fading away completely in order to come back closer a minute later, echoing in my mind. The voice was soothing me, hands were warm, and someone’s warmth was saving me from getting sucked in by a complete insanity.

Only by the early morning I finally remembered my own name. Some other memories came back too, but because they were so scrappy, it was causing even more pain rather than relief. Only the ability to press my nose against the warm skin and breath in its smell was allowing me to calm down and stay sane.

I didn’t know how much time had passed, but I was woken up by the feeling of fingers gently stroking my head. What an unusual feeling....

“Shereen.”

I reluctantly opened my eyes and gasped - there was still darkness around.

“Please, not again!”

“Everything is fine. It will go.”

All my memories were with me again, as if they didn’t disappear at night, causing me to have the nightmares and slip in and out of consciousness.

“Hulk?”

“I’m here.”

“It was terrible...”

“I know, it will be alright. Be patient.”

He took his hand off my head and I was in awe - it seemed that I’d got used to his touches as though I’d felt them every night. Incredible... I slept the whole night in his bed next to him (or on top of him?), if what I’d experienced during the night could ever be called “sleep” - anyway, my confusion quickly turned into gratitude for the fact that Hulk insisted on spending this night with me. I was terrified even to think what would have happened if I’d stayed alone.

“Is it morning now?”

“Yes.”

“What time is it?”

“Twenty past eight. We’ll have some breakfast soon. I’ll go in my office, so you can get dressed. Your clothes are on the right hand side, on top of the nightstand. Will you manage?”

“Of course!” I didn’t feel any of this confidence that was present in my voice.

“Once you are dressed, please call me and I’ll help you.”

Hulk left the bedroom.

Ok. So where is the nightstand?

I sat up on the bed and slowly put my legs on the floor. It was good to feel that a new day was finally here, even though I wasn’t able to see it. It was the same with my memories - it was great to have them back. I shuddered, remembering last night, and once again I got a sense of gratitude that Hulk was with me all the time.

Well... new day, another day closer to gaining my vision back. I just have to be patient, I can do it... I’m strong.

I only have to get dressed somehow...

Never before in my life had I thought about the fact that having your eyes shut is not the real darkness, and what the real darkness was I only really understood now. Previously, it always seemed that if you close your eyes, it will become dark, and only now I recalled that some light was still penetrating through - some spots, some glares.... Sometimes it was brighter or darker, but there still was some light. And now it felt like I had a brick wall in front of me. There were no rays, no shades, and no hint of any other colour other than black.

That was what I was thinking while Hulk was serving the table.

“Let’s see what we’ve got here...” He said in a business-like manner, “Some toast, butter, jam, yoghurt, cereal, ham and cheese. What would you like? Tell me and I’ll give it to you.”

“Oh ...” I hesitated. It must be one hell of a burden to take care of someone who couldn’t find even find a fork on the table. Hiding my embarrassment I requested some toast with butter.

“Shereen, feel free to ask whatever you want.”

“Ok, toast with butter and a piece of cheese then.”

“Anything else?”

“That’s it for now, thank you.”

“I’ll get it for you in a moment.”

He handed me a hot crispy buttered piece of bread topped with a thin slice of aromatic cheese. I bit on a piece and began chewing it with relish, thinking that, perhaps, it’s not that bad to be blind - all the things are given directly to your hands and all you need to do is enjoy your life; and it was really easy to enjoy it when such a chivalrous person as Hulk was around.

After I finished my toast I received an open pot of yogurt, spoon and a glass of juice, but before I could think of an interesting topic of conversation, Hulk’s phone went off. He answered. As somebody was asking him about the harvest delivery that was planned for this afternoon, I was trying to search for the edge of the table to place my glass of juice. Hulk’s voice was now quieter as he went to his desk searching for some papers.

I thought I found the edge but when I let go of the glass I missed, and the juice immediately was spilled all over the carpet.

Oh, my God - what a mess I am! What should I do now? In dismay, I started fumbling my fingers on the table’s surface, trying to stop the liquid from dripping on the carpet but then I lost the yogurt - it slipped out of my fingers and now was also somewhere on the floor. Where is it?! Maybe it’s still on the table? It must be on the table, right? Or is it also all over the carpet?!

Hulk went on talking in the far end of the room and obviously he couldn’t see what was happening with me; but the conversation will end soon! What will he think when he sees all this chaos?! I started to get really upset and panic. This bloody juice was now everywhere! Bloody breakfast! I heard a spoon clinked under my frantically fumbling fingers and I lost it too. Damn it!

I sat down in front of the sofa, trying to find the yogurt, which could still be on the table and I kept on waving my hands up and down, but my fingers could not find the plastic pot. Instead they found a plate with cheese and butter, another glass, and then my fingers climbed into someone's coffee, spilled that, moved to... Oh, my God? What was that? It felt like... Oh, no! Please, not jam!

I rapidly tried to get up, but ended up leaning on some plate a bit too heavily and turned it upside down - all the content was dumped right on the table and now the plate was spinning and rolling on its edges.

What have I done! I can’t even clean up after myself!

“Shereen, are you alright?”

Hulk hastily finished the conversation half way through and came back in.

I sat on the floor in silence and my face was burning.

My fingers were covered in crumbles and something sticky and glue-like, juice was still slowly dripping from the table - I could feel it on my ankle, and there was a piece of ham next to my hand. The yoghurt has still not been found.

I sat motionless with my head down, not daring to make a single move in order not to break anything else and I felt ashamed. There must be such a mess around that even a homeless person couldn’t bear it.

“Is everything ok with you?” His voice now sounded much closer and sounded concerned. I heard Hulk sit down beside me on the carpet started wiping the crumbs off my fingers with a soft napkin.

“Don’t worry about this.” He said gently, which made me feel even worse. My eyes welled up and my chin started quivering treacherously.

“I messed up this entire place...”

“Who cares...?”

“I spilled the juice and dropped the yoghurt.”

“That’s ok. It’s not worth getting upset over.”

His kindness had the opposite effect on me - instead of feeling better, I felt much worse now.

“You're being just polite! I'm a wally and a burden!”

“Shereen!”

Now the tears were pouring down my cheeks. I wiped them off with my hand covered in fluff.

“The carpet is probably spoiled now...”

“Forget the carpet; I'll buy a new one. Please, don’t rub your eyes...”

“These eyes don’t work anymore anyway! I’m useless!” I began sobbing. God knows I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t hold it back, “Breaking and ruining things – that’s all I am good for now.”

“Shereen, it’s just some breakfast.”

“Right! And then there will be a lunch, dinner and what else?”

I covered my face with my hands and continued crying. How shameful and humiliating it was to be in this position. I am disabled! Now I'm a useless disabled person, who can’t put a piece of bread in their own mouth. It was only an early morning and I’ve already managed to ruin Hulk’s breakfast and mess everything around. And he was trying to comfort me!

The only thing I wanted to do right now was to hide in the farthest corner and let myself cry properly to the point of hiccupping, and then fall asleep surrounded by the darkness. Well, the darkness was not a problem for me anymore, but the thing was that it was only MY darkness, while the others were still living in a world full of bright light. How can I survive like that for another ten days and what if my vision won’t recover in time? It seemed that all the accumulated resentment was spilling out of me for the first time since I stepped my foot in Tally - all the loneliness, beatings, humiliation, powerlessness, anger, cold nights and the absence of someone close to me - all of it has now turned into a stream of continuous tears.

I started to hiccup and choke and then I suddenly soared up into the air.... and realised... I was sitting on Hulk's lap. Everything happened so fast - his arms lifted me up off the floor and moved onto something soft and warm - his knees.

“Hush, girl... calm down...”

He held me warmly, reassuringly, my face pressed against his chest and was stroking my hair.

“Don’t cry. They are only dishes.”

I sobbed once again and went all quiet in amazement. He was so kind to me and it made me feel ashamed. Really... why am I acting this way when my life is not that terrible? Yes, I entered Tally by mistake, I’ve had to tolerate some rough situations, but then I ended up at this ranch which in reality was great luck. I was lucky to find some work in the kitchen to start with and then the translating came along. All of that happened because Hulk was always fair, always noticed the details, whenever there was a need he would always be there for me and never punished me even when I really was guilty. I became such a moaner because of a few plates that he now needed to comfort me even though he’d already helped me to avoid a whole load of problems when someone tried to set me up. Why did I get so upset because of the stupid plates? The reason I was blind because it was the shortest way to find out the truth and in a couple of weeks everything will be back to normal again. It didn’t feel right to use his kindness and waste the time of a person who had always acted in a more than reasonable way towards me.