Dragon: Allie's War Book Nine (86 page)

When I started to protest, he shook his head.

“No,” he said. “We’ll go. I think you’re right. We can’t let Dragon get there ahead of us. We can’t risk it. Him being a part of this changes things. We have to change the plan, too…your husband’s attempts to nail himself to a cross notwithstanding.”

Thinking about his words, I nodded slowly.

I felt my grip relax on his arms, even as my chest unclenched, if only a little. It hit me that I was relieved almost beyond words, beyond any ability to express myself. I aimed that relief at Jem, then I was stroking his chest, feeling a softer gratitude towards him, intense enough it nearly brought tears to my eyes.

He grunted, looking me in the face. “Gratitude?” he said. Before I could answer, he added, sharper. “…I’m not entirely sure that’s a compliment, love.”

I thought about answering that, too, then didn’t.

Gliding my fingers over his skin I started massaging his chest for real, doing it deliberately that time, with stronger, more practiced fingers. I started coiling heat into his light as I did it, affection, desire…more light. I felt him reacting within seconds of me opening, but I felt the resistance there, too, what might have been guilt, or maybe something else.

When I didn’t stop, I felt the resistance start to fade. He let out a low gasp, lowering his head. I felt him getting hard against my bare stomach.

“You have a really nice body,” I told him, smiling faintly.

He grunted. I felt the humor there, but it felt almost unintentional on his part. “That’s what you’re grateful for? My cock?”

I smiled wider. “Among other things.”

“My fingers?” he said, sliding them into me.

I let out a low gasp then shrugged, human-style. “Maybe.”

“What else?” he said, leaning his weight.

“Oh, you know,” I said, blowing hair out of my face. “You’re also pretty good at using your various…parts. When you feel like it,” I added. “When you aren’t just being a sadistic bastard and using me to get yourself off for a few hours first…”

He chuckled.

Slowly, the smile faded, right before he removed his fingers, rubbing my stomach with his hand. I watched his face grow serious where he hung over me. I felt his pain worsen. I felt him try to control it again, even as that more vulnerable light opened in his chest.

“This is confusing me, Allie,” he said, soft.

Feeling the emotion there, I flinched, but didn’t close my light.

After another pause, I nodded, biting my lip. I didn’t stop massaging him.

“It’s confusing me too,” I admitted.

He continued to stare down at my eyes. He didn’t smile.

“Is it?” he said. “You don’t seem confused.”

I flinched again, feeling as much as seeing the emotion there. I felt the accusation woven into his words, the hurt. It caught me off guard, sharpening that harder pain in my chest.

Still studying his eyes, I frowned, not at him but because I was thinking about his words. As I turned them over, that heavier feeling came over my light.

It took me a few more seconds to realize why that was.

Or to admit it to myself, maybe.

“I
am
confused, Jem.” Caressing his long black hair out of his face, I forced myself to be honest. He deserved that, at least. “More than I should be.”

Jem studied my expression. I saw something in his eyes soften as he did, then he nodded.

Still apparently thinking about my words, he grunted.

“More than you should be?” he said, humor touching his voice. “Should I be insulted by that, as well?”

But I didn’t let him brush it off.

“Revik and I are bonded.” I made my words crystal clear, staring up at him. “That’s never going to change, Jem. Never. I don’t want it to.” Feeling him flinch, I swallowed, gripping his hair in my hand, pulling his eyes back to mine. “I love him. More than I can express…even to him. Even if something happened to the bond, that wouldn’t change. Do you understand? It wouldn’t change anything for me.”

He exhaled, nodding.

“I know that,” he said, his voice subdued. “But Alyson…you have to think seriously about what might happen if he doesn’t come back. I know you don’t want to––”

But I shook my head, jaw hard.

“No, I don’t. I can’t, Jem. I fucking can’t…I can’t. Not yet.”

He met my gaze, his eyes holding something I couldn’t read at all.

Then he exhaled, clicking in near apology.

“You might have to,” he said. “You know Menlim might not want him dead at all, right? That was never his goal before…I’m not sure why that would have changed, especially if the trigger is still in place. He might really find some way to detach the two of you.” He exuded another pulse of apology, exhaling. “…Then order Revik to kill you.”

I nodded.

I’d known that all along, too.

“I know you know it,” Jem said, his voice frustrated. “Allie, I’m trying to talk to you. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m not trying to beat you up with this…”

“I know you’re not––” I began, clicking.

“Do you?” he cut in. “Because it doesn’t seem like it. I’m jealous, yes. Sometimes I’m really fucking jealous, Alyson. But I’m not trying to hurt you…or him. I’m trying to protect you. I
love
you, goddamn it…”

I felt my chest clench as I stared up at the water-stained ceiling.

He’d never said that to me before, either.

“Well, I’m saying it now,” he said, gruff. “If I have to listen to you calling out your husband’s name while we fuck, then you at least need to know how I feel about it.” His voice held pain, then a tinge of apology when he added, “I’m not expecting anything in return, Allie. I’m really not. But I’m tired of this goddamned dance with us. I’m not good with ambiguity…I never have been. Or with neither of us talking openly about what’s going on. I know you have feelings for me. I know you do. Some day soon, I want to know what the
fuck
they are––”

“Jem––” I said, frustrated.

“Allie,” he said, cutting me off. “I also want an agreement.”

I looked up in disbelief, opening my mouth, but he shook his head, clicking.

“Don’t give me any bullshit about Revik,” he said. “I know the score there. I mean anyone else…people you
aren’t
bonded to. I’m not going to pretend anymore I wouldn’t lose my shit if you started screwing other seers. I’ve had a few of them approach me already, asking my permission…including that fucker tonight…Jasek’s lieutenant, Crieg.” He gave me a harder look, his green eyes flashing in the candlelight. “The answer was no, by the way. Hard fucking no…peppered generously with threats of physical violence.”

I clicked at him, my disbelief tinged with annoyance. “I know you’re like 400 years old, Jem, but this isn’t the goddamned Middle Ages. You could have
asked
me. Not spoken for me like a sexist dick…”

“They asked me…not you,” he said, his voice wholly unapologetic. “Yell at them, if you don’t like it. Crieg assumed we were under some kind of agreement.” Dalejem’s voice grew harder. “I didn’t lie. I just didn’t dissuade him of that idea. And when he asked me if I’d mind, I told him I’d throw him through a fucking wall. So again…not lying, Alyson.”

I bit my lip, not answering for a moment.

Avoiding his eyes, I tried to think, to even want to think.

I was better with ambiguity, I realized. In this area, at least. When it came to contemplating being unfaithful to my husband in a way that really mattered, ambiguity was vastly preferable to thinking about formalizing this in some way.

Thinking about that, I shook my head, once.

“No,” I said.

“No to the agreement?” he said. “No to what, Alyson?”

I bit my lip, shaking my head again, but not in a real answer.

Finally I looked up, letting him hear and feel my frustration. “What do you expect to happen with this, Jem?”

He scarcely paused.

“I expect you to wait for your husband, Alyson. I expect you to wait for him until you can’t wait for him anymore…or until he comes back to you.”

Pressing a hand against my forehead, I stared at him in disbelief.

“So you’re…what? Backup?” I felt him flinch. Realizing what I’d said, I closed my eyes. I shook my head, exhaling an open apology even as I clicked at him. “I’m sorry. Jem...you’re fucking making me
crazy
right now, but I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry...”

He only shrugged, his eyes and voice flat. “Don’t be. If you want to see it that way, then yes. I understand the limits of your current situation. I’ve known those limits from the very beginning...as you were just so helpfully pointing out. I’m willing to wait and see if there is room for me in your life.”

I looked up at him, swallowing. “There’s Lily, too, Jem. He’s the father of my child...”

“You wouldn’t trust me with her?” Jem said.

It was more like he blurted it.

Like he didn’t mean to say it at all.

Even so, I blinked, staring up at him.

Embarrassment plumed off his light, then regret...followed by what might have been more embarrassment once he saw me staring at him. I fought to hide my shock at his words. I forced myself to let out a humorous grunt, feeling that pain in my chest worsen even as I smiled.

“What? So you can leave her under an overpass, too?” I glanced up, quirking my lips at him. “No thanks, brother Jem.”

I’d meant it as a joke, as a way to break the tension from what he’d just said.

I realized my mistake as soon as it left my lips.

Pain coiled off his light, so intensely I tensed, my breath catching in my throat.

“Gods, Alyson...” Tears came to his eyes, even as that pain on him worsened.

I gripped him tighter, panic suffusing my light as the hurt on his intensified. The grief inside it made it impossible for me to breathe.

I gripped him tighter, closing my eyes, fighting to speak.

“Jem...I’m sorry...”

He caressed my face. “I loved you so much. You have no idea how much, Allie...it fucking broke my heart to leave you there. It broke your parents’ hearts...”

I shook my head though, unable to hear this now either. My jaw tightened, even as an older wound in me flared.

“Jem, don’t...please, don’t tell me this...”

But he only shook his head, tears brightening his eyes as he caressed my face.

“You need to hear this, Allie. You
need
to. I know you think you weren’t loved as a baby. You were fucking
adored
...” His voice caught, right before he kissed my face. “Your mother didn’t leave her room for a year, for fuck’s sake. Your father...gods, I thought your father was going to lose his mind. He followed you and your human family for...I don’t even know how long. He’d drive to San Francisco, even after he’d been warned by the Council. He’d watch you in their house, in the park...when you started school...”

I shook my head, clicking at him. “Jem, don’t––”

He talked over me, his voice low.

“––I don’t think he ever forgave your mother,” he said. “I know he understood why the Council did it, and why she agreed to it...with his mind at least. But he was so fucking angry, and for some reason, he aimed all of that at her. Maybe because she was his mate, or maybe because he didn’t know how else to deal with it. I’d hear him shouting at her to leave their room, to come see what she and the Council had done, giving his child to humans...”

Jem broke off, even as more pain coiled through his light.

“It was horrible,” he said, gruff. “It was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced, Allie.”

I shook my head, feeling my throat close, but he kept talking.

“I was angry, too,” he said, softer. “...but not with her. She was so fucking sad, I couldn’t be angry with her.” He shook his head. “I watched you, too. When Revik took over, they ordered me to stay away. Even then, sometimes I would follow you, if only to––”

“Jem...stop!” Pain filled my voice, even as I stared up at him, breathing harder. “Stop talking, Jem! Now...please!”