Dr. Slick: A Killer Comedy (3 page)

Tom and Rocky are at a small eating area of the exercise facility each with a power smoothie.

“What’s in this?” Tom says, holding the glass away from him with a look of distaste.

“Everything your body needs. Fiber. Vitamins. Minerals. Herbal supplements. That’s why it’s called the Rocket.”

“Won’t it spoil my appetite for dinner?”

Rocky raises an eyebrow.  “It is your dinner.”

Tom thinks about that for a moment.

“So what kind of flowers does your wife like?” Rocky asks.

Tom shrugs his shoulders.  “Roses, I guess.”

“Get her a dozen.”

“A dozen?” Tom asks.

Rock looks at him, then nods.  “You’re right, two dozen.”

“And then what?”

Rocky smiles.

“I’ll show you in the conference room.”

Tom gets a worried look on his face, but he follows Rocky to a conference room where Sutton cues up a video.

“Don’t worry, this is more of an educational program.”

The t.v. comes to life with sounds of lots of moaning and women nearly hysterical with passion. On the television, Tom watches women of all sorts, their faces contorted with orgasmic delight as the video’s voiceover begins.

“The secrets of lovemaking. The mystery of pleasing a woman. The things no one has ever told you are now, finally...exposed,” the announcer says.

A cacophony of moaning, screaming women fills the room.

“Welcome to “How to Please A Woman Every Time,” the announcer says.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Tom says.

“Watch and learn, Tom,” Rocky says.  “Watch and learn.”

The music is louder and it’s the classic porn soundtrack. Rocky is watching, his face passive revealing nothing. Tom is shocked by what he begins to see.

“Oh my God,” he says.  “That’s physically impossible!”

“Learn, Tom. Absorb,” Rocky says.

“Oh, something’s being absorbed all right. This is insane!”

As the woman’s moans turn into wild screams Tom gets quiet as part of the mystery, for him, is solved.

“So that’s how that works,” he says softly.

Tom is sitting at the breakfast table eating cereal when Michelle enters the kitchen.

Michelle is singing.  “…’cuz you make me feel…”

She runs a hand over Tom’s shoulders.

“...you make me feel...”

She pushes the paper aside and sits on Tom’s lap.

“...you make me feel...”

She takes Tom’s face in her hands and as she sings the last few words, brings her lips closer to his until...

“...like a natural woman.”

She kisses him on the lips.

“Wow,” Tom says.  “Good morning to you, too.”

She starts to undo the buttons on his polo shirt.

“Do you have to go into work so soon?” she says.

“Honey, Lisa’s awake,” Tom says, looking over his wife’s shoulder.

“So, you’ve got time to make kitty purr again,” she says, just as Lisa walks into the kitchen.

“What are you guys doing?” Lisa asks.

“Something we’re going to be doing a lot more of,” Michelle whispers into Tom’s ear.

Tom grabs his briefcase and he and Lisa leave the house. Michelle slaps Tom on the ass as he walks out the door.

They are almost to Tom’s car when Rocky suddenly appears.

“Rocky?” Tom says, surprise in his voice.

Rocky comes forward and shakes Tom’s hand.

“Top of the morning, Tommy,” Rocky says. “Now this must be the beautiful, exceptionally talented Lisa.”

Lisa cowers against Tom’s leg.

“Lisa, this is Rocky,” Tom says, trying to remember if he had given Rocky his home address.

Rocky kneels down.

“I’m going to be doing a lot of work with your Dad, honey. Starting with taking you to school,” he says.

Tom can’t keep the shock off his face.  “Really? You’re going to go to Lisa’s school with me?”

“Anything worth doing is worth doing right. Isn’t that right, little girl?”

Lisa doesn’t answer.

“Wow, you’re really...committed, aren’t you?” Tom asks.

Rocky responds by grabbing Tom’s face and pinching his cheeks. The action scares Lisa even more.

“I tell you what Tiger,” Rocky says.

“Tiger?” Lisa asks.

“It’s just a nickname, honey,” Tom answers.

“We’re just gettin’ started!” Rocky booms.

Tom walks with Lisa into her classroom. Rocky follows without any qualms.

While Tom says good-bye to Lisa, Rocky goes over to the teacher.

“Hi, Rocky Sutton, I work with Tom,” he says.

“Oh. Nice to meet you,” Ms. Calisi says, her voice wary.

“Hey, Tom tells me you guys are planning a little play, right?“

“That’s right. Peter Pan. In...a little less than a week.”

Rocky smiles.  “I love Peter Pan. Love the story. Love the characters. Timeless.”

There’s a moment of awkward silence while the teacher gives Rocky a sidelong glance.

“Have you settled on the parts?”

“Parts?”

“Sure. You know, who the “big star” is going to be?”

Tom looks up from helping Lisa with her backpack.

“Cause you know, a successful play is primarily in the casting. That’s what they’ll tell you on Broadway,” Rocky points out.

“You’ve worked on Broadway?” Ms. Calisi asks.

“Oh, here and there. Bit parts really, but I spent some time learning my chops. So, who’s going to be smack dab in the middle of the spotlight?”

“I haven’t really decided. I was going to have the kids work on the parts a little bit. But Molly over there is a natural.”

She points to a very pretty, very poised young girl who appears to have enraptured a few classmates with a story she’s re-enacting.

“Uh-huh, uh-huh,” Rocky says.  “What’s the scouting report on little Lisa Goddard over there? Where do you see her?”

The teacher smiles politely.

“With some polishing she could be a good secondary player.”

“Interesting!” Rocky says.  “Well, okay, I’ve got to get going. Lots of work to do today.  It was so nice to meet you,” he says, flashing a megawatt smile.

Ms. Calisi takes his hand and lets hers linger for a moment.

“Nice to meet you, too, Rocky,” she says.

“Keep up the good work, Ms. Calisi. Teachers like you are this country’s greatest asset.”

He beams at her and she blushes. Rocky turns to leave but takes one more look into the classroom. He zeroes in on the girl Ms. Calisi pointed out and the smile leaves his face.

Tom and Rocky are standing outside the entrance to “Straun & Partners Advertising.” It’s a big, impressive building of modern design.

“So this is the snake pit, eh?” Rocky says, rubbing his hands together.

“This is it,” Tom says, completely devoid of enthusiasm.

“This is where you fight and claw and bite off chunks of meat to take home to your family.”

“I’ve never really looked at it that way, but yeah, I guess,” Tom says.

“Let’s go,” Rocky asserts.

They take the elevator and Tom leads Rocky down the hallway toward his office.  They are about to step into Tom’s office when Dylan appears.

“Hey, Tom, nice of you to finally show up,” Dylan says.

Rocky turns to Tom.  “Who’s the hall monitor?”

“This would be Dylan.”

“Who is this guy?” Dylan asks Tom, but looking at Rocky.

“Tell you what, Dylan, we’ll call you when we need you, okay?” Rocky says, not waiting for Tom to respond.  “Why don’t you run along and do your pathetic little time clock checking on everyone else, okay? Thanks.”

Dylan scoffs, but turns and goes back toward his office.

“Was that really necessary?” Tom asks Rocky.

“Don’t tell me you let him talk to you like that? You let him get away with that?”

“Ah, he was just kidding around.”

Rocky stops Tom and puts a finger in his chest.

“Tom. Voltaire said that an aggression unanswered is an aggression agreed to.”

“I don’t think it was really an aggression. And are you going to be spending all day with me?  Don’t you have any other clients?”

Rocky starts jabbing Tom in the chest again.

“Tom, he was pushing you around. Snide comments about you being late, he’s chipping away at you, knocking you down.”

Tom rubs his chest.

“Ow.”

“Every once in awhile you gotta knock those kind of people back.”

Tom nods half-heartedly.

Tom and Rocky are standing in Morgan’s office. Tom looks a little uncomfortable, Rocky’s totally at ease.

“This is Morgan’s office. Morgan’s my boss,” Tom says.

“He’s not your boss. No one’s your boss. You’re your own boss.”

Tom nods unconvincingly.

“He’s in L.A.,” Tom points out.

“Nice. Very nice,” Rocky says as he walks around Morgan’s office. Rocky goes to Wolcott’s desk, starts going through his papers.

Tom looks back over his shoulder to see if anyone’s watching.

“What are you doing?” Tom asks.

“Just looking around,” Rocky says.  “It’s harmless. It’s all out in the open. Obviously for public consumption.”

“Okay, well let’s get out of here before his secretary comes back.”

“Hey, I’m just looking,” Rocky says.

“For what?”

“Weakness.”

Molly, the girl from Lisa’s class likely to get the lead in Peter Pan, home with her mother in their Volvo station wagon. The car pulls into the garage. Molly and her mother get out of the car and walk into the house.

Molly puts her backpack on the steps leading upstairs.

“Java!” she calls out, looking around. “Java!”

Molly returns downstairs and walks into the kitchen where her mother is taking things out of the fridge.

“Mom. Have you seen Java?”

“Not yet, check outside.”

Molly walks through the back door, looks around the backyard, but sees no sign of the dog.

“Java?”

Molly waits a beat, and then goes back into the house to the kitchen.

“Mom. He’s not out there.”

“Did you check your bed?” the mother says, as she looks into a cupboard.  “You know how he loves to sleep there. What sounds good for dinner? Spaghetti?”

Molly doesn’t answer, instead, she runs back up the stairs and into her room.

“Java?”

The room is empty. Molly walks in slowly. She spies a folded piece of paper on her bed. She picks up the paper and reads it.

Her face goes white with fear.

Rocky’s at the steering wheel, a big Chocolate Lab is standing up in the passenger’s seat, panting into Rocky’s face.

“Jesus Christ,” he says.

Rocky tries to push the dog’s face away, but Java just keeps breathing on Rocky’s face.

“Is that breath from licking your bunghole? Good God, man!”

The dog turns around and now his ass is in Rocky’s face. Rocky gets a good whiff and his eyes roll back into his head. Rocky takes a tin of Altoids, opens it, grabs one of the little breath fresheners and tries to put it in Java’s mouth.

Java growls.

Rocky drops the breath freshener, puts on the brakes, stops, and shuts off the car.

“I want you to wait right here. Don’t get into any trouble. If anyone tries to mess with you, just breathe on them or give them a face full of your ass. That should do the trick.”

Rocky gets out of the vehicle.  It’s not his BMW, but instead a white van, painted with the words “Midwest Telephone.” Rocky is dressed as a telephone repairman and he walks toward the building at the front of the parking lot.

It’s Straun & Partners Advertising.

Tom and Kelly are walking toward the front door of Straun & Partners.

“So, what’s on tap for you tonight?” Tom asks her.

“Remember I told you I was working on a novel?” Kelly says.

“About a peasant in the French Revolution, right?”

“Yeah, I’m touched you remembered! Well, I finally finished it. I’m FedEx-ing it out to a publisher in New York who said they’d read it,” Kelly says.

They get to the front door of the office.

“That’s so cool. I can’t believe you did it. I can barely write a thirty second commercial. A four hundred page book? Get out of town.”

Tom holds the door open for Rocky, who’s in his telephone repairman coveralls. Rocky turns his face away and Tom doesn’t notice it’s him.

“I didn’t think I could, either.  But sooner or later, I guess you just have to believe in yourself.”

“And have talent,” Tom adds.  “Like you.”

“And you.”

“Yeah, right.”

“You are talented, Tom. You just don’t believe it.”

“No one else does, either,” Tom says.

Kelly stops and faces him.

“If you don’t, do you really expect them to?”

Rocky walks into Morgan Wolcott’s office and looks around. He goes over to Morgan’s computer. He sees the yellow Intranet cable hooked up to the back of the computer.

Rocky walks along the outer wall of the office, following the yellow cable as it runs up through a small opening in the ceiling. He walks down the hallway to a door marked “Utility.”

He opens it. Inside is a maze of yellow cables, all hooked into a panel. Rocky opens the panel and studies it for a moment.

He then sets his tool box on the floor, opens it and inserts an electronic box on the panel.

After clearing out a space on top of the panel’s shelves, he pulls out a miniature satellite dish. He sets it in place, and then pulls a small laptop from the toolbox. He opens it, clicks a few buttons, but there is nothing but static.

“Come on baby, who’s your Daddy?”

The static continues.

“Come on, work with me.”

Static.

He starts thrusting his hips forward in rhythm and singing.  “I’m givin’ you everything that I got! I’m givin’ you everything...”

Suddenly, a diagram appears and information begins to scroll across the screen.

“That’s what I’m talkin’ about baby!” Rocky says. He gives a final, triumphant thrust and accompanies it with a couple of ass slaps.