Down and Out (Hawks MC: Caroline Springs Charter Book 3) (11 page)

"Yeah, it was." Deanna grinned. "But you passed, plus she has a green flag from Judy. I was out back, and all she could talk about was Mena this, Mena that. I had to come in here just to get away."

Low clapped her hands to get everyone's attention. "Can we all just stop talking, besides Mena telling us about Dive?"

"Good call." Deanna nodded. "Spill, woman."

Sighing, I said, "There's nothing to say. I'm his employee. He pays me to take care of the house and his son. I cook, I clean, and—"

"Stop!" Deanna barked.

"You mean to say he ain't made a move on you?"

"Dee, it's only been a year since Simone passed." Zara glared.

Deanna rolled her eyes.

"Oh, God. Koda's mum died?"

Nary's hand came over mine. "You didn't know?"

Shaking my head, I whispered, "No. We don't talk, honestly."

The front door opened once again, and Kalen came in with another woman and two other bikers; they both looked like they would kill anyone if they breathed the wrong way.

The woman came up to Nary and placed her hand around her waist. Nary's arm went around her shoulders.

Dive stepped up and barked, "Things ready for lunch?"

"Yes." I nodded. He grunted and kept walking out the back with the other two bikers.

"Oh, shit." Low whistled in the silent room after all the men had once again left.

"Is he always like that?" the new woman with red hair asked. "Sorry, I'm Josie and the two men you saw are Calen and Eli, also known as Pick and Billy."

"Mena, and yes, he's always like that."

The room fell silent again. All women in their own thoughts.

"Josie also forgot to mention the men she said are hers, as in she's bonking the both of them," Deanna blurted.

My eyes widened, and everyone started laughing.

It was just what we needed, and somehow I knew Deanna knew that, because when I looked at her, she winked.

The day was amazing. I loved all of Kalen's friends. They couldn't get over the fact I called him Kalen. But I said I found it strange to call him Dive since I didn't know he was a biker. Then I asked why his biker name was Dive. All women laughed around me, even Judy. Then Zara said, "You don't want to know, or better yet, you should ask him."

They were so different in personality, yet, they all complemented each other. When one got too much, either Deanna or Low, the others brought them back down. They were wonderful. I was glad Kalen had people like them around him, but I didn't understand why he moved away from it. I knew Zara, Clary, and Deanna were in Ballarat, but the others were close to Kalen, and I could tell they thought highly of him. Some of the stories I heard… didn't describe the man I knew. They described someone with a lot of laughter in his life, a man who loved trouble, but in a good way.

Losing Simone, who was also Josie's best friend, really did something to him.

That kind of pain I could understand. Had felt even, and still felt some days.

It just seemed to fester inside of Kalen.

Later, after I put Koda down for his nap, which was the only nap he now had during the day, I was walking down the hall towards the kitchen when I paused, hearing male voices.

"Mena's pretty hot." I recognised Dodge’s voice. I rolled my eyes.

A snort answered. "If you like the type who annoys the hell out of you, with a voice that irritates me every time she talks. Who's always lookin' scraggly and is putting on weight like a fuckin' freight train? Sure."

Arching my shoulders in defeat, my head dropped forward. With watery eyes to the floor, my hands wrapped around my stomach. Each word was like a knife to the gut, a new stab wound each time he put me down. My heart, not wanting to be left out, felt as though a hot poker was being slashed at my skin across my chest.

I knew he didn't like me. I just didn't know how much.

My hand went to the wall to steady me. My legs seemed to shake like my insides were and suddenly, I felt cold all over.

He really hated me.

Why did he keep me around?

Why would he say such things?

How could one person be so mean?

"Bit harsh there, brother. It seems to me you're just—"

Dodge didn't get to finish because foolishly, I had stumbled forward. The movement and shuffle brought their attention to me.

My heart beat loudly in my chest. My ears rang. My hands shook. But I stood tall as both men came into the living room just off the hall.

"Fuck," Dodge muttered roughly.

Licking my dry lips, I cleared my throat and stammered, "S-sorry to interrupt. I-I just wanted to say Koda is sleeping and… I must go."

"Jesus, Mena," Kalen groaned.

"Do you mind I say a quick goodbye to your friends?"
Before the devastation can take over.

"We're doing cake when he wakes. You have to stay for that," he demanded.

Thing was, I didn't have to do anything he said.

"No. I have other… I have to be somewhere." My chin lifted. He seemed to know when I did that, I wouldn't back down, and there was no way I would.

Not after
those
words.

"Mena—"

"It's okay. You can say goodbye to them for me." As fast as I could, I walked around them and went to the front door.

"Mena, fuck, wait."

With my hand on the door handle, I looked over my shoulder and informed him in an aloof voice, "I'll be back Monday for work, Mr Brooks."

He flinched.

Good.

It didn't match what I was feeling inside, but it was something at least.

He didn't come after me. I was stupid and stomped on the small amount of hope I had that he would rush out the door for me to stop. So when he didn't and I was halfway walking to my car in the bushland, I cried. Tear after tear fell, and they wouldn't stop.

I'd heard harsh words before. Growing up poor, it was the normal to hear them.

They'd just never stung as much as Mr Brooks's did.

Never would he be Kalen again.

He was my employer and nothing else.

Since Mark's death, I never thought warmth would have touched me again, but it had; Koda and even Kalen were the reason for that. Until that night, it was the coldest, most lonesome night I had felt in so long, and a part of me even felt it was worse than what I had felt before.

Chapter Ten

Dive

My arse was chewed out by just about everyone that afternoon. They didn't make me feel worse, though. I was already feeling like the biggest fuckin' prick. Her face… her sweet face was… crap! Fuck, it hurt to see the pain I'd put there.

I should have chased her. Dodge urged me to, but I couldn't. I didn't know what to say to her. How could I come back from being such a lowlife? It had been all lies. Everything I said was a bunch of bullshit, and Dodge was just about to call me on it when we'd heard the crash in the hallway, and then she was standing there. She'd heard every fucked-up word.

My heart and body begged me to reach out to her, but my mind refused.

Christ.

She'd called me Mr Brooks before she'd left.

Mr fuckin' Brooks.

I'd lost her.

Before I even had a chance to have her.

Have a chance to redeem myself for the cockhead I'd been, because I was just worse than a cockhead, and any redemption seemed completely outta my grasp.

When everyone started to leave, Dodge hung back until the last couple, and I knew I was gonna get another earful. The worst that day was from my mum when she told me how disappointed she was with me. Apparently, Zara had been inside at the time, hidden around the corner. She told the women, and then
boom
everyone had somethin' to say.

Low was sitting in the car with Tex and Rommy, while Dodge and I stood on the front porch, and Koda was crawling around the front grass enjoying himself.

"What you gonna do?" he asked finally. I shrugged. "Your mum was right. It's time to stop being a dick to her."

Clenching my teeth, I clipped out, "I can't."

He scrubbed a hand over his face. "You fuckin' can, but you're being a stubborn prick. Just because you find the woman attractive doesn't mean anything bad against Simone. Hell, it's been a year."

My hard gaze zeroed in on him. "A year. One goddamn year, and yet it seems like it was just yesterday."

He stood tall, crossed his arms over his chest. "It seems like yesterday because you won't get past anything else."

"Just leave it, brother."

"I worry about you."

Sighing, I said, "Don't."

"I can't not." He shoved me. "You're my brother from another mother, dude." We both chuckled. And then he added, "Stop being a dick to her and apologise. That's all any of us want. We ain't trying to set you up with her. Fuck, you're the one who brought her into your life. You don't have to let her in, but treat her like a normal human being. Not like someone who's shit on you."

"I will." I had to. The hurt in her eyes flashed in my mind over and over, and seeing it wouldn't rest from my mind.

When she showed Monday, she looked like a zombie. A cute one. But still a zombie. She had bags under her eyes, and her skin was paler than before.

Hell, maybe the distance was for the best.

I was still too fucked-up on Simone to start shit with a woman I didn't know. Even if she was one hell of a woman, who took care of my son with her whole heart.

Then again, when she walked in and offered me a nod with no eye contact, no greeting, fuck, not even a, "Mr Brooks," I knew the distance wasn't for the best. The interaction we'd had before, even when it was small, was a highlight of my day.

Why was my guilt about betraying Simone the one thing I couldn't let go of?

Because Simone was a good woman.

I paused at the thought. Was she? When she didn't tell me about our kid, when she took away my chance to be with her through everything. When
she
chose how
she
wanted everything. Even if she thought she was doing best for me, it was a selfish action. Because it meant she didn't have to see how crushed I was, she didn't have to be there for
me
.

Thinking about Simone that morning had me walking out the door without saying anything to Mena. I should have apologised. I should have told her the truth.

But I didn't.

I walked out thinking about myself once again.

Thinking of
my
feelings,
my
emotions, and
my
memories.

All day, it played on me.

All day, I was caught up in my head, which annoyed the fuck outta me because it made me feel disgusted in myself. I wasn't the only one with feelings, and I was sick to the stomach about what I said to Mena and how I acted towards her from day one.

She didn't deserve any of it.

When I got home, Koda was in the living room on the floor playing and watching TV. I heard Mena in the kitchen. With a quick hello to my son, I headed for the kitchen and stood in the doorway.

Her head was in the fridge, her arse up in the air.

My cock hardened.

Jesus.
He certainly wasn't confused like my mind was.

When she stood and turned, she met my eyes for a second and then moved to the bench and said, while drying some dishes, "Your dinner's in the fridge. Koda's is also ready. I was about to give it to him. I didn't realise you would finish early."

My boss had sent me home an hour earlier because I'd been useless all goddamn day.

"Um, I've done your washing. If you would like to strip your bed tomorrow morning, I'll wash them, and if this weather stays, they should dry quickly." Because I'd asked her to stay outta my room, which was the one rule I'd given. I didn't want to scare her with all the cameras and shit I had going on in there. She took a breath and went on, "You being home, does this mean I can leave early? I'd like to go and do some things in town."

"I'll give you a lift. I noticed you didn't drive again," I offered in a softer voice. Her cheeks lit with fire. I wanted to know why, but then her chin tipped up and out, and she glared. I knew the colour on her cheeks was from frustration or anger, probably a bit of both.

She opened her mouth to say something, but Koda made his presence known by crawling around my legs and into the kitchen. Silently, we both watched him grab a chair and pull himself up. He decided to slap his hands on the seat. I smiled down at my boy. He wanted attention or food, and the way he ate these days, my guess was food.

Mena also knew this. "He wants his dinner probably, so I'll leave you to it and make my way home." She moved off, even though I hadn't said she could have the extra hour off. Couldn't blame her really. She was used to taking off as soon as I got home.

Because I was a cunt.

It was time I stopped.

"Mena—"

"Mr Brooks, please don't. It's better this way anyway—"

"No, it's fuckin' not. I hate hearing Mr Brooks come from your mouth, Mena, so you need to stop that shit and stop with the cold shoulder. I know what I said was heartless, but I want you to know none of it was true." She snorted and her jaw clenched. I went on, "Hell, Mena, you need to believe I was speaking outta my arse. Dodge was talkin' about you, and I said some shit to get him off my back. Even he knew I was full of it." Nothing, she said nothing, and I'd even lost her eyes at the end. "I want things to go back to the way they were." Even though she wasn't looking at me, I saw her eyes roll. "What, Mena? Tell me what you're fuckin' thinkin'. Tell me I was a rat bastard. Tell me how I can fuckin' fix this."

Her head spun to me, her glare heated. "You can't," she snapped. She threw her hands up in the air and said, "Maybe with time I'll forget about it. Just… let me be, please."

"Will things go back to what they were?"

She shook her head, but said, "Sure." Biting her bottom lip, she mumbled to herself, "It's not like you were nice before."