Double Fudge (11 page)

143

or only sometimes? Is Fauna the one who always finishes? So far I haven't been able to come up with anything clear. And trying to figure out who was saying what was making me tired even though my day had hardly begun.

Cousin Howie set plates of eggs and toast in front of each of the Natural Beauties. That's when he noticed Dad's cereal box and Flora's and Fauna's empty bowls. "What have you girls been eating?" he asked, grabbing the box from the table. It was one of those cereals that promises to keep adults young and fit and regular. Cousin Howie began to read aloud from the list of ingredients on the side of the box. "Artificial sweeteners? Artificial flavors?" He looked at the girls. "Repeat after me, I
know better than to poison my body with unnatural ingredients."

They repeated it.

"One more time," Cousin Howie said.

"We know better than to poison our bodies with unnatural ingredients."

"That's better," he told them. "Now eat your eggs."

"But Daddy," Flora began, "we're not..."

"Hungry anymore," Fauna said.

"Not hungry?" Cousin Howie asked.
"Not hungry!"

"That's what they said," Fudge told Cousin Howie. "Didn't you hear them?"

Cousin Howie's face turned red, then purple.

144

"Fudgie, let's remember our manners," Mom said.

"I
am
remembering my manners. If Cousin Howie can't hear I'll help him, just like I help Mrs. Osterman."

"I can hear just fine," Howie shouted.

Eudora said, "Let it go, Howie. The girls will have a healthy breakfast tomorrow. Why don't
you
eat their eggs and toast instead."

"You can sit here." I jumped up to give him my place at the table.

"Thank you," Cousin Howie said.

Turtle, who'd been under the table, looked up at Cousin Howie and whimpered, letting him know he'd be happy to share the eggs.

That's when Dad came into the kitchen carrying Tootsie. He set her in her baby seat. "O's" she said, pointing to Fudge's cereal box.

Dad sprinkled Cheerios on her tray.

Flora said, "Oooooh, she's ..."

"Soooo cute!" Fauna hiccuped loudly, making Tootsie laugh.

"Her name is Tamara Roxanne," Fudge announced, "and I'm not telling what we call her."

"I'll bet I can guess," Fauna said. "Tammy?"

"Wrong," Fudge sang.

"Roxy?" Flora guessed.

"Wrong again!"

"Mara?" Fauna tried.

145

"Nope!" Fudge laughed.

I was thinking they were all better names than
Tootsie,
but I didn't say so.

"Here's a hint," Fudge said. "It's the name of a candy."

"We don't eat candy," Flora said.

"Not even on Halloween?" Fudge asked.

"Not even then," Fauna said. "That's why our teeth are...

"Perfect." Flora opened her mouth really wide so we could admire her teeth. "We've never had a cavity."

"But you eat ice cream," Fudge said. "I saw you."

"And hot fudge," I added, thinking we'd caught them.

"Daddy says ice cream is one of life's necessities," Flora said.

"And hot fudge is a family tradition," Fauna said.

"Daddy's very big on family traditions," Flora said.

"Big!" Tootsie said, spreading her arms.

"So what do you call this precious girl?" Fauna asked.

"We call her... Tootsie!" Fudge announced.

"Too-zee," Tootsie said.

"What an adorable ..." Fauna began.

"Name," Flora said. "If we have a baby sister ..."

"Maybe we can call her Tootsie," Fauna said.

"Suppose you have a baby brother," Fudge asked.

146

"Another brother?" Flora said. We all looked over at Mini, just as he grabbed the sponge from the kitchen sink and stuffed it in his mouth.

"Farley ..." Mom said, pulling it out, "that's soapy."

Mini looked right at Mom and growled.

The second I finished breakfast I was out of there. For once, I couldn't wait to get to school, where I wouldn't have to think about the Howies for the rest of the day. With any luck, they'd be gone by the time I got home.

Instead, halfway through homeroom period, as Mr. Shane was making morning announcements, the door to our classroom opened, and the principal, Ms. Rybeck, came in with two girls wearing dorky purple dresses.

This can't be happening,
I told myself.
It's a bad dream. Any minute I'll wake up and start my day again. I know the Natural Beauties can't be at my school, standing in front of my homeroom class. I know it because we have tight security. Strangers aren't allowed.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Okay,
I told myself,
when I open my eyes they'll be gone. The only person standing in front of the class will be Mr. Shane. I'll count to three. I'll count really slowly. One... two... three.

147

I opened my eyes but Ms. Rybeck was still there, and she was introducing the Natural Beauties. "Please welcome our distinguished visitors from Hawaii ..."

Distinguished?
I thought.
Now I know this must be a dream.

"They are known throughout the Hawaiian Islands as the
Heavenly Hatchers,"
Ms. Rybeck continued, "and they have agreed to perform at a special school assembly later this afternoon."

No... no... no!
I could feel Jimmy and Sheila staring.
So, their last name is Hatcher. So what? There must be plenty of other Hatchers. I'll act as if this is just a coincidence. Please, Ms. Rybeck, don't say they're related to me. Please... please... please...

But did Ms. Rybeck get my silent message? No, she did not. "After an unexpected family reunion in Washington, D.C.," she said, "your classmate, Peter Hatcher, met his long-lost cousins, Flora and Fauna Hatcher, for the very first time."

Why would the principal do this to me? What'd I ever do to her? If they start to sing "The Best Things in Life Are Free," I'll puke. I'll barf my guts out. Or maybe I'll get
really
lucky and just drop dead on the spot.

"Peter Hatcher?" Ms. Rybeck said.

Since she doesn't know me personally, Ms. Rybeck waited for me to raise my hand. But I didn't.

"Peter Hatcher?" Ms. Rybeck said again.

148

Jimmy turned in his seat and gave me a quizzical look.

Finally Ms. Rybeck asked, "Is Peter Hatcher here this morning?"

Sheila's hand shot up. "He's right over there, Ms. Rybeck." She pointed at me. Now all the kids turned and stared.

"Oh, good," Ms. Rybeck said.

I sank lower and lower in my seat, hoping if I slid down far enough I'd become invisible. Instead, I fell over and hit the floor.

Everyone laughed, including the Natural Beauties. "I know it's exciting to have famous relatives, Peter," Ms. Rybeck said, "but please try to control yourself. You'll be glad to hear that your cousins may accompany you to all your classes during their visit." On the way to first-period class, Jimmy Fargo called me
Moonbeam.
"Hey, if you're related to the
Heavenly Hatchers
..."

"Cut that out!" I told him. "Gotcha!" Jimmy said, laughing.

Just before assembly I excused myself to go to the nurse's room.

"What seems to be the problem?" she asked. She was a big woman, tall and heavy.

"Flu," I said.

149

"What kind of flu?" she asked.

"Uh... temperature and headache."

She popped a thermometer in my mouth and took my pulse. Then she took the thermometer out and read it. "Normal," she said. I could tell she wasn't impressed by my symptoms.

"And I feel really tired." I yawned to show her
how
tired. "So can I just stay here until assembly's over?"

"On another day I might go along with that," the nurse said, "but I really don't want to miss the
Heavenly Hatchers.
Come to think of it, didn't you sign in as Peter
Hatcher?"

"Yes, but we're not related."

"Really."

"I mean, some people think we are but it's not true. It's a coincidence that we have the same last names."

"Is that right? I could swear Ms. Rybeck told me..."

"Oh... that's the other Peter Hatcher, the one in seventh grade."

"And what grade are you in?"

"Uh ... I'm in seventh, too."

"Uh-huh."

"Okay ... so we're kind of distant relations, like eighteenth cousins seventeen times removed, something like that."

150

"Interesting."

"Please," I begged. "Please don't make me go. I don't think I can live through it. You don't want to be responsible for my sudden death, do you?"

"That bad, huh?"

"Could be," I said.

"Okay," she said. "But I don't want you moving off this cot. You understand?"

"Don't worry. I won't move."

"I'll be back in ten minutes. I just want to hear their opening number." She closed the door behind her and I let out a sigh of relief. I knew what was coming. I knew the Natural Beauties would be laughed off stage before they finished their first song. No middle schooler in New York City would be able to take the
Heavenly Hatchers
with a straight face. Kids in the first few rows would throw stuff at them. Leftover lunch--orange peels or cold and soggy french fries. This would go down in the history of our school as the day those weird sisters gave their final performance.

151

By the end of the day Sheila and the Natural Beauties were getting along like they'd known each other all their lives. Sheila could even tell them apart. "It's easy," she claimed on the way home from school. "That is, if you're a person who notices details, which obviously you aren't, Peter." Sheila invited them to stay overnight at her apartment. "Since Libby's gone away to school I have a big room all to myself."

152

The Natural Beauties begged and pleaded but Cousin Howie wouldn't go for it. "You know how we feel about sleepovers. You don't want to expose yourselves to bad influences, do you?"

I looked around at the row of sleeping bags on our living-room floor and said, "Isn't
this a
sleepover?"

"No, Peter, my boy," Cousin Howie said, "this is a family reunion."

But Eudora said, "You know, Howie... maybe it's not a bad idea to give our girls just an itsy-bitsy taste of freedom."

"Spidah?" Tootsie asked, thinking Eudora was going to sing "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider" with her.

Cousin Howie looked at Eudora as if she'd suggested something totally shocking. "What are you saying, sweetheart?"

"I'm saying the sleepover would take place right in this building, just two floors away."

"But what do we know about this Tubman family?" Howie asked.

I was thinking I could tell him plenty about the Tubmans, but before I had the chance Mom said, "We've known the Tubmans for years."

"We spent our summer vacation with them," Dad added. "Shared a house in Maine for three weeks."

"My mother is
married
to Buzz Tubman's father," Mom said. "You can't get much closer than that."

153

The Natural Beauties held their breath. I saw their fingers crossed behind their backs.

"What about their morals?" Howie asked. "What about their values?"

Mom said, "Morals?"

Dad said, "Values?"

While Mom and Dad looked at each other I jumped in. "Uh... excuse me... but I happen to know that Sheila thinks a lot about stuff like that."

I didn't add that she thinks my brother has
no
values.

"Aaaaand ..." Fudge stretched out the word until he was sure he had everyone's attention. I knew he wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut much longer. "I might even marry Sheila," he told the Howies. "Last summer we played husband and wife."

"Played husband and wife!" Howie said.

"It was an innocent game," Mom said, trying to reassure Cousin Howie.

"We didn't even sleep in the same bed," Fudge said.

"Sleep in the same bed!" Eudora said.

"Neither did Grandma and Buzzy Senior," Fudge added. "Not until they got married. Now they play kissy-face all the time."

"Kissy-face!" The Natural Beauties shrieked with laughter.

Mini licked Tootsie's arm. She petted his head the way she pets Turtle.

154

Finally, Howie and Eudora agreed to go down to meet Sheila's family. They returned half an hour later with Sheila, and announced to Mom and Dad they'd decided to let the Natural Beauties have a sleepover. Sheila and the Natural Beauties hugged, then jumped up and down to celebrate the good news. I felt like jumping up and down, too.

"I'm still not entirely comfortable with the idea," Cousin Howie told the Natural Beauties as they rolled up their sleeping bags and threw a few things into their backpacks.

"They'll be fine, Howie," Dad said.

"If you don't mind, Tubby... I'll handle this myself."

Dad raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything else.

"Okay," Cousin Howie said. His bulky frame blocked the door, so the Natural Beauties couldn't escape. "First, I need some assurances from you."

The Natural Beauties eyed each other.

"Number one ..." Cousin Howie said, "no pop music."

I almost laughed.

But the Natural Beauties nodded and repeated, "No pop music."

"Number two ..." Howie said, "none of those fashion magazines with advice to the lovelorn."

155

The Natural Beauties nodded again.

"Number three ... no TV."

"What do you mean by
no
TV, Mr. Hatcher?" Sheila asked Cousin Howie.

"I mean
no
TV," Howie said.

"Except
Sesame Street
," Eudora added, smiling sweetly.
"
Sesame Street is okay, don't you think, Howie?"

"Tootsie watches
Sesame Street
," Fudge said. "We've
all
watched
Sesame Street
," Sheila said.

"I don't approve of TV, period," Howie said. "It turns thinkers into vegetables."

"What kind of vegetables?" Fudge asked. "I like carrots and corn."

"Never mind," Cousin Howie said.

"Richie Potter likes broccoli," Fudge told him.

"I
said
never mind," Howie told him again.

"What about books?" Sheila asked. "Books are okay... right?"

"None of those series books," Howie told her.

"What about friends?" Fudge asked.

"Our girls are lucky to have each other," Eudora said.

"I have Pete," Fudge said, "but I still like to choose my own friends." He pranced around the living room. "Know who my best friend is in mixed group? It's Richie Potter. Know who my best friend is in this building?

156

It's Melissa Beth Miller. She lives in Jimmy Fargo's old apartment. Her cat's name is Fuzzball." He dropped to the floor and crawled around, meowing. "Fuzzball's going to be a wizard for Halloween." Now he was back on his feet, spinning. "Know what I'm going to be for Halloween?" He spun until he was so dizzy he fell to the floor. "I'm going to be a miser. I'm wearing my money tie from Fudgington."

Cousin Howie's mouth opened but no words came out.

Mini cried when the Natural Beauties left, until Mom promised him a sleepover, too.

"Where's he going?" Fudge asked.

"To your room," Mom said, as Mini dragged his sleeping bag down the hall.

Fudge took Mom's hand and led her into the kitchen. "I don't want Mini in my room."

"He's our guest, Fudge," Mom said. "He looks up to you."

"So?"

"So, sleeping in your room will be a treat for him."

"He might lick my arm in the middle of the night."

"Cousin Eudora says licking is Mini's way of kissing. It means he really likes you."

"I don't want him to lick me."

157

"You can keep your arms inside your blanket."

"Suppose I forget?"

"Once he's asleep you'll be safe."

"Suppose he doesn't go to sleep?"

"I guarantee he'll go to sleep," Mom said.

"I still don't like it," Fudge told her. "Why can't he have a sleepover with Pete, instead?"

"Oh no," I said. "I stay up way too late for him. Besides, Turtle might bark all night."

Mom settled it. "Mini's going to sleep on the floor in
your
room, Fudge."

"Okay," Fudge said. "Then I'll sleep on the floor in Pete's room."

"No way," I told him. Then I went to my room, locked the door, and lay down on my bed with the Dave Barry book I borrowed from Grandma. She says he's always good for a laugh, and a good laugh was exactly what I needed.

With the Natural Beauties out of the way, Mini started talking for himself. His voice was such a surprise I looked around to see if maybe Fudge was talking for him, the way he had for Uncle Feather. But no, it was Mini himself, standing on Fudge's step stool, peering into Uncle Feather's cage. "Nice bird," he said. "His name is Uncle Feather," Fudge told Mini.

158

"Nice bird," Mini said again.

"Call him Uncle Feather," Fudge said. "That's his name."