Double Blind (4 page)

In the clinic area a young nurse with chic brown hair met me, all smiles. Pretty face. Such graciousness and calm.
Deb Smith,
read her name tag.

Such a common name. Was it fake?

I frowned at myself. Why in the world would I think that?

“This is for you.” She handed me a multicolored cotton gown. “All your jewelry's off already?” She looked me over. “That's good. You can put your clothes in the rubber bin over there.” She pointed behind me.

“Where's the surgeon?” I hadn't even met him. Or was it a her?

“He'll be along shortly.”

“Where's the brain chip?”

“He's got it.” Deb Smith patted my hand. “Don't worry. This is a straightforward procedure, really. I've seen many a person before you sail right through it.”

But what about afterward? Would my life be changed? “Tell them not to give me a fake one.
Please.
”

“Well, that's out of my jurisdiction, I'm afraid.”

“I don't want a broken one either.”

The nurse gave me a mild look. “There's a sealed and sterile envelope with your name on it. The chip inside is meant only for you. And it's been checked and rechecked. No way it's broken. Now just get dressed in your gown, and we'll be back for you soon.”

She pulled the curtain closed with a
swoosh.

I changed into the gown. My body shook. I'd never been through surgery before. Not even for tonsils. What if I was allergic to anesthesia?

Hugging myself, I sat on the gurney and waited. It was cold. A wave of aloneness rushed me. If Ryan were still alive, this wouldn't be happening. Even if I'd been attacked, I could have made it, with Ryan.

Soft footsteps sounded. They stopped outside the curtain. “Ms. Newberry? May I come in?”

“Yes.”

The curtain drew back.

My doctor looked in his sixties. Thick gray hair, a round face. “Hi, I'm Dr. Rayner. I'll be doing your procedure, along with Dr. Frank. Do you have any questions?”

So many. My lungs clogged at the sheer weight of them. “Are you . . . do you work for Cognoscenti?”

“Yes. Dr. Frank and I have done many of these procedures. You're in good hands, if I do say so myself.”

I nodded.

“Anything else?”

My head shook. I simply could not talk.

He spoke with me until Deb Smith returned, clearly trying to reassure me. “Okay.” The doctor smiled. “I'll go prep, and we'll see you soon.”

“So. Looks like you're set.” The nurse's eyes drifted to the bin behind me, containing my clothes. “Whoa, cool bra. Bright blue.”

What?
I blinked.

“Where'd you get it?”

I looked at the bra, bewildered. Was it bright? I hadn't noticed. “Victoria's Secret.”

She raised a shoulder. “Of course. Where else?”

How surreal, discussing underwear at a time like this.

Another nurse appeared. I needed to lie down so they could prep my head. I obeyed, a rag doll. Sections of my hair were parted. A shaver whirred.

Fear crammed my throat. I was really doing this.

Next thing I knew, they were wheeling me into surgery. I watched the ceiling go by, my thoughts hazed. What was I doing here? Had I lost my mind?

I still had time to pull out of this.

The operating room felt even chillier. “Why's it so cold in here?” I asked one of the masked docs. Which one was he?

“The lower temperature keeps the germs down.”

Oh.

“All right,” somebody said. “Ready to go.”

My eyes squeezed shut.

“It's okay, Lisa, you can relax.”

My heart cantered.

A plastic-feeling mask descended over my nose and mouth. “Okay now, just breathe normally.”

Panic spun through me. I gasped in air.
Let me out of here. Out, out, out!

Was someone above me telling me everything was okay? It wasn't. Not at all. I sucked more oxygen.

Dense fog carpeted my veins. So . . . heavy . . . Desperately I tried to move my mouth. Yell
Stop!

Nothing happened.

Another breath, and the fog thickened.

No, please. I don't . . .

A third breath. It sucked me down, down, to the depths of the ocean. I struggled to swim up.

But my feet . . .

Got . . .

Tangled.

Chapter 4

A second later I woke up.

Sensations and thoughts chugged in my head. This ceiling—not the one in the operating room. A different blanket on me. My body felt like lead. An IV needle was taped into a vein in my arm.

How did this happen? I'd just gone under.

I blinked hard,
feeling
my mind. Nothing seemed different.

Maybe they didn't do the procedure. Maybe something went wrong

Or did I get the placebo? The thought leadened me. I couldn't even hold it in my head. Couldn't bear to think it.

Ryan.
Were memories of him still with me? I visualized his face. His smirk when he used to tease me. I could hear his voice. His off-key singing.

Yes, he was there! I wanted to cry but didn't have the energy.

Footsteps. The curtain around me edged back. Carefully I rolled my head to the left. I sensed bandages on that side of my skull but felt no pain.

“Lisa?” A quiet voice spoke. Deb . . . somebody. Smith?

“Huh?”

“Ah.” She stepped inside. “You're awake. How do you feel?”

“Uh-huh.”

Deb smiled. “That good? Well, all right.”

I swallowed. My throat felt like a desert. “Did they do it? Put in the chip?”

“Sure did. Everything went like clockwork.”

“But I passed out only a second ago.”

She was checking the IV. “It just feels like that. Anesthesia puts you so deep under, you don't have a sense of time like when you're asleep. A total time warp, isn't it?”

Way beyond a time warp. Downright eerie. “You sure? 'Cause it doesn't feel . . .”

She patted my arm. “Trust me.”

I closed my eyes, trying to absorb it all. I'd done it. Really gone through with it. Should I laugh—or cry? “What . . . happens now?”

“We'll take you to your room. A private one.”

Good. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Just wanted to sort things out.

“I feel . . . heavy.”

“You're drugged.”

“What happens when I'm undrugged?”

“You won't feel heavy anymore.” She threw me a smile, as if to apologize for her lightheartedness. “Your head may hurt some. We can give you more pain meds.”

“I don't like pain meds. Can't function on 'em.”

“Okay, your choice. But we'll send you home with some, just in case.”

Decoration for my medicine cabinet. “Where are my clothes?”

“You'll find them in your room. Like magic.”

My other questions evaporated. I just wanted to sleep.

“You ready to get out of here?” Deb asked.

“Uh-huh.”

“All right. I'll get another nurse, and we'll take you up.”

I drifted into unconsciousness.

Sometime later I found myself in a private room, propped up on pillows in the bed. Questions stormed me all over again. Did I get a real chip? What did I feel? What was my life going to look like?

Deb got me comfortable and made sure I had water. She showed me how to put the bed up and down, and where the nurse call button was located. “You just give us a ring if you need anything, all right?”

I nodded . . . and once again floated into sleep.

Dreams of Ryan came, vague and rambling. Then he stood before me so clearly. I held a baby in one arm. I could see my husband, touch him, smell him. I reached out, ran my fingers through his hair—

And woke up.

My bleary eyes saw a hospital room. But Ryan's face still pulsed in my mind. The dream had been so real. I'd had them like this before and always woke up sobbing.

Not this time.

I held my breath. Could that be
true
?

Any minute now it would hit. I braced for the familiar pain . . .

It didn't come.

Had this really worked?
Please, please, please.

I waited longer—and still nothing.

After a few minutes I made myself picture Ryan again. I went over the dream in detail. Seeing Ryan's face. Touching him. Even with that, my heart lay still.

This was beyond amazing. I could feel my husband, remember him with warmth and love. I could even smile at the image of the baby we never had. But that deadening grief was
gone
.

I'd gotten the real chip. It was working!

Lightness surged through my body. Had I ever felt such joy in my life? I wanted to jump up and run through the hallway. I wanted to shout and sing. Tell the world it had happened! To
me.
This promise, this unbelievable gift—

But I could do none of those things. Drugged and weak, I could only lay there, tears running down my temples. Smiling until my cheek muscles burned. Eventually the tears ran out. My throat was thick and my nose clogged. I didn't care. I just smiled on.

At that moment I didn't think I would ever stop.

Chapter 5

Sometime later I woke up again.

How had I ever gone back to sleep? With all the elation knocking around inside me?

I bunched the covers up to my neck and closed my eyes. What if my head wasn't quiet anymore? Maybe I'd dreamed the whole thing . . .

At first I was too scared to test it. Then I focused on more memories of Ryan. Our wedding and honeymoon. The first time we'd kissed.

And still my head was quiet.

New wonder surged through me. I wanted to tell the world! I longed to phone Sherry, but trial participants weren't allowed calls. Cognoscenti didn't want me talking to anyone who might influence my thinking.

My hand fumbled around for the call button and pushed it. In a few minutes a middle-aged nurse with large brown eyes appeared.

“Hi, hon, how we doing?”

“I'm healed! My brain is healed!”

She smiled. “Well, that's great.”

“No, you don't understand. My depression is gone! I can remember my husband and everything—but I don't feel the grief in my heart. I can think. I can even be
happy.
”

The nurse beamed at me. “That's really wonderful, hon.”

She had no clue.

“You need to go to the bathroom while I'm here? I'll help you up.”

She really didn't get it. How could she not just fall over?

“Uh, yeah. Okay.”

Sherry would understand. Tomorrow I could tell her.

The nurse fussed over me, taking the IV out of my arm.

When I got up my legs were sluggish, but not as bad as I'd expected. More good news. Just think—in a few days I'd get my physical energy back, too. That would be so awesome. The things I could
do.

When I was done in the bathroom, the nurse helped settle me back into bed. “You need any more pain pills?”

“No way. I just want to feel . . . everything.”

She raised her eyebrows. “You've got quite a high pain tolerance there.”

I'd hardly noticed the pain. It didn't matter.

The rest of that day I dozed on and off. Every time I woke I felt stronger. Over the hours my excitement settled into the most wonderful sense of peace. How had I managed to live through the past nine months? The time since Ryan's death now seemed like a black hole. I could never, ever go back to that.

I passed the time soaking in my new sensations. I remembered funny moments with Ryan and laughed.
Laughed.
I pictured the three times I'd miscarried and knew the pain. Understood it. But it wasn't that smothering darkness that had threatened to kill me.

By late afternoon more incredible things had happened. I dared myself to even relive the attack—and didn't
feel
it. I visualized my car as I walked toward it in the dark. Remembered my hand rummaging inside my purse for the keys. Heard the pounding steps behind me. I felt the sudden hit of an arm clinched around my neck, a force pulling me backward.
Scream, scream,
my brain wailed, but no sound would come. I could smell the man's sweat, almost taste it.