Doomsday Love: An MMA & Second Chance Romance (25 page)

He sighed and shut his eyes very briefly. We were stuck in an uncomfortable, thick silence. I wanted it to end, but I refused to speak first.

So he did.

“I know what you want… and I also know what I want. It’s each other.” His steps were slow but before I knew it he had my face in his hands, his eyes holding mine. “I’m going. I love you with all of my fucking heart, but my grandma once told me that true love means being selfless, not selfish. You deserve better. I have to let you live. I have to live. I have to find myself. I’m fucked up, don’t you see that, babe? I’m so fucked up, and I refuse to involve you in my fucked up, stupid life. My life right now is meaningless—worthless. But yours—fuck, you have so much to look forward to—way more than I can vouch for.”

He swiped my tears away with the pad of his thumbs. My eyes sealed, and I tried so hard not to fall and sob into his chest.

Pulling away, Drake moved backwards and my eyes popped open instantly.

“Wait—Drake!” I grabbed his hand and tugged on it. “I don’t care if you’re fucked up. I want to be here for you.”

He came in my direction again and relief flooded me.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and he blew out a breath as he held me tight around the waist. He breathed so much life into me and he didn’t even know it.

I didn’t get how he couldn’t see the light in himself—how he revolved so much around the darkness of his past, that he couldn’t see the brightness he could create for his future—our future.

Drake was more than he thought he was. He wasn’t bad. He wasn’t wrong. He was learning, just like everyone else.

Learning.

Growing.

Appreciating life for what it was—a chaotic, fucked up mess.

His mouth landed on mine. I still remember this kiss.

His lips were so soft, and he tasted of butterscotch. He smelled so good. My fingers were tight in his hair and his hands were on my hips. He groaned, trying to resist, but he couldn’t.

And neither could I.

He was too irresistible.

Too tempting.

“I have to go, Jenny,” he murmured in my ear when our mouths parted. “Not because I don’t want you to be here for me, but because I want you to see what else is out there. I want you to live the life you deserve.”

“You deserve it, too.” I grabbed his chin as he started to pull away. “No, Drake—please.” I was begging—crying out to him so much. He was already pulling away, but I continued holding on. I didn’t want him to leave.

Never.

He didn’t want to either.

His eyes were damp, on the brink of tears. One of them ran down his cheek, just as two descended mine.

“Drake, I love you,” I breathed. “I—I don’t have to go. I can stay. I can be here for you as much as you need me to be. I’ll go to a community college… it’ll be the same thing.”

He shook his head roughly. “I won’t allow you to stay here and settle for that.” He started for my bedroom door and gripped the handle, but before he could go he looked at me once more.

He watched me with desolate green eyes.

His jaw ticked, the scruff on his chin like a shadow on the lower half of his face.

I heard him swallow. And then he marched for me.

He released the door handle and hurried in my direction, his mouth crushing mine again as soon as he was near. He wrapped me up in his large arms, and I soaked up his affections like a dry sponge.

Lifting me up, he carried me to the bed and I moaned, panting as my fingers threaded through thick, silky black hair. My sex clenched as he dropped between my thighs.

It’d been over a week. I needed to feel him again. It didn’t matter how it was done.

As if he read my mind, he pulled my shirt over my head and I did the same for him. He unbuttoned his jeans as I tugged my skirt down and kicked it off.

It was as soon as we were free, naked, and glued that he took me. He didn’t hold back. Not for a second.

He grunted as he drove deep, and my back arched, toes curling as fingernails sprinted up his back.

He picked up his pace, our bodies so close we felt like one. We made the sweetest, most terrifying love I’d ever endured. It was intense and heavier than ever before. My body was his, but my mind was focused on one thing:

Getting him to stay.

He released before I knew it, breathing heavily with his face buried into the crook of my neck. My skin hummed with pleasure, my blood coursing with bliss.

We were quiet for a few seconds.

He finally picked his head up and looked down at me.

I smiled.

He did the same, but very faintly.

It was in that tiny moment that I felt safe with him again.

Whole.

Protected.

I should have known feeling that way wouldn’t last with someone as dubious as him.

I fell asleep with him still beside me, but it was when I awoke that I realized he wasn’t there.

He was gone, and my clothes still remained scattered on the floor.

My emotions got the best of me. First it was sorrow, and then it was full-blown rage.

I jumped off the bed and grabbed my robe out of the closet, sliding into it quickly. I picked up my phone next, but as I turned and dialed his number, that’s when I noticed something hanging on my vanity.

I cupped my mouth instantly and dropped my cellphone, trooping ahead and staring at the necklace.

It was the cross I’d given him in fifth grade. Mitchell’s cross.

Not only that, but there was a note on the mirror written with my erase board marker.

It was thoughtful, but it was also indecent of him, and I didn’t care. I immediately snatched up the cross and threw it full-force at the mirror with a loud grunt.

Glass shattered everywhere, sharp splinters trickling onto the carpet. I watched each piece land—the broken reflections I knew would haunt me for the rest of my life.

For a cheap, old thing, that cross caused a lot of damage, but nothing happened to it at all. Not a single scratch or crack.

I didn’t even care for the damage done to the mirror. The brokenness couldn’t amount to what I felt inside.

My heart had been shattered much worse than that.

I wanted the heartache to go away.

I wanted Mitchell back.

He could always make me smile during my worst.

I wanted to be happy again.

I wanted to smile.

I wanted—I wanted
Drake
.

I ached for his touch, longed for his body to be next to mine again.

But days went by and nothing happened. I stayed in my room. I never wanted to leave, in hopes that he might return.

But he never did.

I was devastated.

The days went by.

Before I knew it, it was time for me to pack my things up.

Yale was calling. Life was calling for me, but I wasn’t ready to face her yet.

But life, just like time, waits for no one. You either live, or you waste away, turning into a rotten, broken mess that can’t be repaired.

I refused to waste away.

If he wanted to start fresh, then so could I.

And I was going to do so in Connecticut.

Far away from home.

Far away from the memories.

Far away from Mom.

Far away from the love Drake and I once shared.

I was getting the hell away from it all, and I promised to never, not once, look back on what Fox River had done to me and the people I loved most.

M
inutes ticked by sluggishly
.

The passing hours became painful.

I had two more days in Fox River before going off to Yale. Kylie got a scholarship from University of Washington a while back. She was taking up theater and the arts. She wanted to be a voice actress and model. Funny thing was I could totally see her being both.

I sat at the dining table with a bowl of cereal in front of me. My leg was bouncing, and every time Sue asked questions about school or me I gave rushed responses.

She knew when something was wrong with me.

“Is it about your boyfriend?” Sue asked when she noticed me staring down at my half-eaten meal.

I looked up rapidly, locking eyes with her. Hers were soft and I could tell they held a lot of wisdom. She smiled sweetly as she grabbed my bowl. “Done with this?”

“Yes,” I murmured. She stepped back, waiting for an answer. “To both.”

“Ah. I see.” Her lips pressed. I pulled my line of sight away again, focusing on the wooden tabletop. “You miss him a lot?”

“No. I hate him.”

“Now, now. Don’t say that, Jenski. You aren’t capable of hatred.” Jenski was what she called me for fun.

“Well, now I am. I hate him. He left.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do.” I continued avoiding her eyes.

“Well, if that is true, why don’t you look at me and say it?”

Through the corner of my eye I saw her fold her arms.

I swallowed thickly, sitting back in my chair. “No.”

“Exactly,” she said. “Because it isn’t true. Don’t say words you don’t mean, little one. You’re only lying to yourself.”

Sue walked down the hallway to get to the kitchen. I heard her moving dishes around so I pushed out of my chair and walked to the kitchen next.

“Sue, can I ask you something?”

She dropped the dishtowel and turned to face me, nodding her head. ”Of course, Jenny. Anything.”

I sighed, leaning my lower back against the counter. “Have you ever loved someone—like, a lot? To the point that you feel like you’d do something really stupid just to get their attention?”

She put on a simple smile. “Yes. I have.”

“And have you ever actually done anything stupid?”

“Oh, plenty of times, sweetie. That’s what love will do to you.” She rubbed the heart of her chest. “It will make you say and do really stupid, really crazy shit.”

I laughed. Sue had a potty mouth. I loved that she only used it around me. She trusted me.

“I want to call him, but at the same time I don’t, because I’m pissed at him. He just… left. And I have no idea where he is.”

“Maybe he didn’t want to tell you because he wasn’t sure himself?”

I exhaled. “I guess I will never know. I was stupid to think he cared about me.”

“I don’t believe that. You know, I saw him once.” I blinked quickly, but she continued. “I saw you with him. I was coming back from the drug store one night—a couple weeks ago—and I saw you getting out of the truck at the gates. I stopped driving when I saw him get out. He came to you, and he kissed you before leaving. It was the sweetest thing I’d seen in a long time. He kissed you and held you like he loved you—like he would never let anything happen to someone as beautiful as you.” Sue sighed and folded her arms. “I know you want to hate him, but at the same time I see how difficult of a task that is for you. You know he loves you; he’s probably just in a very tough situation right now. You have to put yourself in his shoes and try to understand him too.”

Sue was right. And thinking about the night she was mentioning made me feel even worse. The night she was talking about was when we went to see a movie before he had to go to work.

We had fun that night. I ate lots of popcorn and M&M’s. He stuffed his face with cheesy nachos. It seemed so casual and simple, but to me it was much more than that.

After my talk with Sue, I went up to my room. I sat in the recliner in the corner with my knees drawn up to my chest, and I stared at my cellphone on top of the vanity.

I had the urge to call him—text him.

I wanted to know what he was doing.

I wanted to know if he was okay.

By five that evening, I caved.

I jumped out of the recliner, grabbed my phone, and called him. It went straight to his automated voicemail. I tried again. It did the same.

So I sent a text. I figured he was busy doing something. Working maybe? I didn’t know.

After I sent that text, I tossed my phone as if it were on fire and stared at it. I picked up my guitar and started strumming random notes to distract myself.

An hour later, it buzzed.

I dropped my instrument and dashed for the phone like a mad woman.

And when I saw his name, I lit up like a bright, burning star.

An hour? Well, that wasn’t much time at all, but I was going to take it. I started to wonder if he’d even moved out of town. The only city an hour or even close to that from Fox River was Duluth. Was he there?

Fuck it. It didn’t matter. I was going to see him again. That’s all that mattered in that moment.

I hurried for my closet with a broad, cheesy smile on my face. Most of my good clothes were packed in duffle bags for school, but I had a floral dress I had only worn once. It was simple. It came to my knees, the sleeves stopped mid arm.

I got dressed, applied some makeup, did my hair up, and then I went back for my phone. I grabbed my keys next and then checked the mirror.

I looked nice. Hopefully nice enough for him to realize what he was missing out on.

I jetted down the stairs. Sue was sweeping the foyer as I passed by her. “He’s going to meet me!” I sang.

Sue grinned. “Oh, I’m so glad. Have fun!”

“Thanks. I will!”

I was out of the door before she could respond. Yeah, I was that excited.

I slid into the driver’s seat, started the ignition, and drove out of the neighborhood. It only took me fifteen minutes to get to our spot.

I could see the harbor from where I was parked. The bridge was a straight shot to it, but it was an old, rickety bridge. They’d closed it off because it wasn’t very stable anymore. Construction was doing their part, but it seemed to be taking years.

I sat in my car, my heart galloping at every flash of light. Each pair of headlights on the street nearby only passed by. None of them were his.

I looked at the dashboard. 7:12 p.m.

I drummed my fingers on my lap. My phone buzzed and I reached for it. Mom was calling, most likely trying to bug me about something I probably didn’t need or want for the apartment.

I ignored the call and continued to sit there.

And I sat there some more.

My ass started to go numb so I climbed out of the car. The fall air enveloped me and I folded my arms. It felt nice, the breeze tickling my skin, my cheeks. I sighed.

Maybe he was running late. I had no idea where he was to begin with. I was optimistic, but only for so long.

Then 10 p.m. rolled around, and he still hadn’t shown up.

I saw a car—no, a truck. Its headlights were coming my way. They were LED lights just like Drake’s. I got so excited I couldn’t contain myself. I walked around the front of my car and waved a hand as the truck stopped at the stop sign at the street.

I couldn’t see what color it was, but the body was shiny like Drake’s was. It was clean looking… but then it made a left turn.

It wasn’t him.

My arm dropped.

My eyes burned.

My heart rattled.

The wind was much stronger and something tight pulled in my chest. It was the worst feeling ever. It hurt so damn much. Disappointment washed over me. Sadness cloaked my soul. I felt a hole in the middle of my heart. It’d been dug much deeper than it had before.

And then I realized exactly what it was I was feeling.

Heartbreak.

Never had I felt something so painful. Something I couldn’t touch physically, yet it was tearing me up inside.

It couldn’t be cured—not without him. But something told me he wasn’t coming. That he was never planning on making an appearance.

I trudged to my car and climbed in, slamming the door shut behind me. I picked up my phone. There was nothing, so I called him. But it went straight to voicemail.

I sent a text, thinking he’d respond to that.

But he never did.

Not even as I drove home.

Not even when I walked through my front door.

Sue was sitting in the den eating an apple and when she saw me, the gloomy look I wore, she didn’t bother saying anything at all at first. Her eyes scorched with sincerity, but I didn’t want or need it.

“Oh, Jenny,” she cooed. She stood, but I didn’t give her the time to try and console me.

I rushed up to my bedroom. I slammed the door behind me and I flopped on the bed, face down. I wanted to suffocate right there. I wanted to stop breathing—I wanted to do whatever I could to get rid of the devastating pain I felt inside.

I’d been cut wide open. I was raw and unmanageable… and it was all because of
him
.

Not long after and my door squeaked on its hinges.

“Jennifer!” Mom’s voice was loud.

Fuck, not this. Not her. Not right now.

“I called you earlier. What is the point of having a cellphone if you never plan on answering it?”

“Mom!” I screamed. I sat up and stared at her. She was shocked by my volume. “Can you just get out of my room?! I don’t feel like talking right now, don’t you see that?!”

“I will not leave! Who do you think you’re talking to? And why in the hell are you crying?”

“You! I’m talking to you!”

“What the hell has gotten into you?” she snapped. She was pissed now. I didn’t care. I was pissed. I was hurting, and with her around she was only making things worse.

She gave me the clear reminder that once I was gone, I would never come back. I refused to come back to this place. But at the same time, I knew I would never see Drake again.

Ever.

And a part of knowing that terrified me.

“Did that boy do this to you? Is that why your eyes are all puffy? Why you’re acting like the maniac he is?”

“His name is Drake and he’s not a maniac!” I don’t know why I was still defending him. I should have been on her side about this.

“I really don’t care what his name is, Jennifer!”

“Well, you should.” I glared up at her, my bottom lip trembling. “I—I love him.”

“Oh, please, Jennifer. You don’t even know the first thing about love!”

“I know love is putting someone else over yourself—something you obviously wouldn’t know because if you did, Mitchell would still be alive!”

She was quiet for a moment, but it didn’t last long. “Mitchell isn’t here because he pulled a selfish, idiotic move.”

“Oh?” I stood up. “And why is that Mom? Why do you think he did such a ‘selfish’ thing?”

“Because he was young and—”

“No—it’s because you didn’t care enough to face facts and tell the coach to stop molesting your only fucking son!”

Mom’s hand struck my face, swift and strong. It was a loud slap, and I felt the burn, the sting, but I didn’t care. My cheek was blazing, my body vibrating with rage. I continued saying everything she didn’t want to hear.

“Mitchell jumped off of that cliff and killed himself because you were in so much denial and weren’t willing to wake up and put a stop to it!” I stepped forward. “He ran away, and never came back because you did
nothing
about it! I figured it all out, and if I could put the pieces together, you could too! You let that coach touch him just so he could get the best scholarship—be the star quarterback and make it to the league! Mitchell
hated
football—he hated Coach Kord, but you forced him to play for that man! Why? Because you have no soul. You only care about yourself and what people think about you, and it has always been that way!”

Footsteps sounded behind her and then Sue popped up. Her eyes were wide. “What is going on here?” she asked.

Neither of us answered her. We stared one another down. Mom’s eyes were struck with horror. It seemed her knees had buckled on her a bit as she stepped away from me.

“I don’t even know who the hell you are anymore,” she croaked, and then she turned around. She bumped into Sue’s shoulder and Sue held her hands up as if she was willing to catch Mom’s wrath for me.

When Mom’s footsteps made way down the stairs and a door slammed, Sue looked at me, and she shook her head. “Jenny,” she lightly scolded.

“What?” I snapped.

Her eyes were damp now. It was like she could feel my pain—like she knew all about it and wouldn’t wish such a thing on her worst enemy.

“You are far better than that.”

“Better than what, Sue? I’m no better than they are! I live here. I use their money and drive the expensive car they bought for me. I’m going to Yale, for Christ’s sake! I’m not better than they are. If anything, I’ll end up just like them!”

She was quiet for a moment, and I felt so stupid because she was so calm. Too calm and too patient. I didn’t want anyone to be patient with me right now. I just wanted them to yell at me, scream—do whatever it took to distract me from the heartache.

It worked with Mom—to lash out. To tell her all about herself. She was loathsome and she knew it, and it felt great to get it off my chest, but yet again, Sue was right.

Sue said, “You know you are better than stooping that low. You are just hurting, but the pain will pass. You’ll see.”

She walked away, but not before giving me one last glance. I shut my door after her and then I curled up on my bed, knees drawn to my chest.

The tears were hot all night long. I honestly don’t even remember when they stopped. Whenever I’d fallen asleep, I suppose.

The thing is, Sue was wrong about the pain. Even when Dad helped me settle into my apartment at Yale—even when I realized I could start fresh and be something great—I couldn’t forget what Drake had done to me.