Don't Look Back (17 page)

fingers through mine. “You really weren’t. Not always, and you
aren’t anymore. That’s got to mean something.”
I glanced at him. “Second chances, right?”
He nodded and then started walking again, keeping his
hand secured around mine. I tried not to put much thought in it. The path we walked wasn’t much of a path at all. It was an
uneven stretch of land that continued uphill until the two of us
were forced to break contact lest we lose our footing. Pieces of
dirt and small rocks kicked up, rolling down the hill behind us.
Finally we cleared the trees and crossed a grassy patch. Breaking away from Carson, I slowly moved to the edge of
the cliff. Wind, cold and wet, whipped my hair back. Tips of
trees guarded the waterfall below, and like I’d suspected, the fall
was rocky and sheer.
I waited for vertigo to slam into me, but as I stood at the edge, I realized the height didn’t bother me. In fact, there was something thrilling about being up so high. “I think I still have
a bit of an adrenaline junkie in me,” I said.
Carson’s laugh was strained. “That’s kind of good to hear,
but do you think you could move back from the edge a little?” He’d stayed near the trees, and I wondered if he was afraid
of heights. “Do you think if we fell from here, I could’ve survived it?”
“It’s possible. Crazier things have happened. Or she could’ve
jumped.”
Turning around, I stared at him. That wasn’t something
I’d considered.
Carson eyes flinted away from mine, narrowing on the
empty space beyond the tips of trees. “It’s just a possibility,” he
said quietly. “People do insane shit like that all the time.” But everything I knew about Cassie told me she wouldn’t
have done that. Not alone ... I swallowed, unable to wrap my
head around the budding idea forming there.
“Feeling... or remembering anything?” he asked. I shook my head, disappointed. Nothing was coming to
the surface besides more questions and confusion. Walking back
toward the cluster of trees to the right, I started chewing on my
nail. Large pines reached around the boulders jutting out of the
ground, and beyond the rocks was nothing but the fall—the fall
I had to have taken.
“Lucky to be alive” was an understatement.
Time passed in silence. Carson remained on the other side,
letting me stay here as long as it took. I leaned against a tree, eyes narrowed on the edge of the cliff. I was ready to give up, tell him we should head back, but then a cold shiver danced down my
spine. It was the only warning.
This wasn’t like the visions I’d been having. There was no
gray film, and I didn’t see anything. I just felt it—heard my own
thoughts as if the past had been layered under the present, but
now was resurfacing.
In a blink of an eye, Carson was in front of me, his expression pinched with concern. “What is it?”
My mouth worked at a reply as my heart sped up. “I shouldn’t
have been here.”
“That night?” he asked.
Nodding, I turned to the tree, running my hand along the
rough bark. Touching the tree made me feel like one of those
psychics on those TV shows Veronica had been talking about,
but I just knew I’d been here—right here. “I think ... I was hiding behind these trees. It’s like I wasn’t supposed to be here, but
I was. I know that doesn’t make sense.”
“It’s okay.” Carson followed me around the tree. I closed my eyes, but I couldn’t
see
anything. “She wanted
me here—Cassie. She wanted me to see them together.” “See who, Sam?”
I shook my head in frustration as I opened my eyes. “I don’t
know, but I think I knew she wanted me to see them—to know.
And I know it was a guy—a guy she wanted me to see her with.” Carson took a step back, inhaling sharply. Our eyes met,
and the cold feeling was now working its way up my spine now. He reached out, taking my hand. “Sam, do you know who
she was with?”
“No, but I think I have an idea.”
The look on his face said he was thinking the same thing I
was, and it was terrible—heartbreaking in a way that made me
soul-sick and dizzy. Things clicked into place, one tiny disturbing clue after another.
“Del,” I whispered.

W
e’re meant to be together.
Wasn’t that what Del had said? And from the glimpses of his world and my own, there was a lot of expectation revolving around our relationship. Enough to kill for, so an affair would remain hidden?
Secondor third-generation rich kids, like royalty
...
So many times I’d tried to bring up Cassie, and he’d grown

visibly uncomfortable and refused to talk about her. The most recent memory of Cassie asking if she could have Del resurfaced and lingered. Had they been sleeping together, and she wanted me to know? Lured both of us to the cliff, and Del, not knowing I was there, had pushed Cassie?

I felt sick.
The ride back to Carson’s house was tense and silent. Both of us were wrapped up in dark thoughts. He parked the truck in the driveway and killed the engine. Facing me, his eyes were somber, lips drawn tight. “I can’t believe it. As much as I dislike him, I can’t picture him doing something like that.”
I didn’t want to believe it, either. “Maybe it was an accident.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “Okay. If it was an accident, what about you? Did he accidentally push Cassie and then you?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered around my poor nail. And Cassie falling really didn’t make sense the more I thought about it. The very first memory I’d had was of blood on the rocks—the flat sandy-colored rocks that covered the cliff.
“And Del doesn’t have the balls to do something like that,” Carson said, mostly to himself.
I made a face, but then my heart skipped a beat. “Did I have the balls to do something like that?”
Carson laughed, and then his eyes widened. “You’re being serious? You think you pushed her because of Del?” Disbelief colored his tone. “Sam, you’re not a murderer. Not now and not then.”
“But what if I was mad? What if Del left and I confronted Cassie? And things got out of hand?” The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to vomit. “We were kind of explosive together, right? Maybe
I
accidentally pushed her.”
“You didn’t do that, Sam.” He grabbed my wrist, tugging my hand away from my mouth. “You’re not that kind of person. You never were. And besides, it wouldn’t explain what happened to you. You push her and then changed your mind and jumped? It wasn’t you.”
“That’s a good point.”
He sighed, letting go of my wrist. “You don’t believe it. Why? Because you’ve been seeing things—because a bunch of stupid kids are saying stuff they don’t have any idea about? That doesn’t make you crazy, a freak, or a murderer. You’re a good person. Don’t ever question that.”
My chest swelled at his words, and tears filled my eyes. Without thinking, I leaned across the gearshift and placed a brief kiss on his cheek. Carson stiffened for a second before turning his head, bringing his lips oh-so-close. A tremble ran through his body.
“Thank you,” I whispered, probably for the hundredth time.
He nodded, throat working as he swallowed hard. “I mean it, Sam. I’m not saying it to just make you feel better.”
Each word he spoke caused his lips to graze my cheek, sending a shiver through me. Reluctantly, I pulled back. “I know.”
A faint smile appeared. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
“I really don’t think Del could’ve done something like that, but be careful.” His eyes locked onto mine. “Please.”
“I will.” I didn’t want him to worry, but talking with Del was something I had to do. And the faint smile was still on Carson’s face, but it never reached his eyes. He was worried, and he had good reason to be. If it hadn’t been me, then whoever the killer was had to be worried that I’d get my memories back.

Later that evening, after I’d changed into a pair of comfy sweats and a cropped hoodie that I’d found in the closet, I sat on my bed and took the Tiffany’s necklace off. Holding it up so that the ceiling light reflected off the white-gold design, I tried to remember the first time I took it off.

Nothing came to me—no feelings, thoughts. I sighed, laying the necklace on the comforter.
Footsteps in the hall drew my attention. I looked up, seeing the shadow of the body first before the person reached the open door. It wasn’t someone I’d expected.
Del.
My breath caught as he stopped in the doorway and leaned against the frame. I had no idea where my parents were, and I was pretty sure Scott was in the basement. “How did you get in here?” I asked.
His brows slanted. “The front door was unlocked.”
“And you just let yourself in?” Coldness had crept into my voice without my meaning it to be there.
“Yeah.” Confusion was etched across his face as he inched into my bedroom. He was wearing the same dark slacks and button-down shirt he’d donned for the funeral. “Since when has that been... the necklace?” He stopped just shy of the bed. “You took it off?”
Scooping it up, I ignored my nervousness. “I was just looking at it.”
His eyes flashed, not nearly as glassy as they’d been at the barn, but the scent of alcohol was still wafting from him. “I left the party.”
“Oh?” I held the heart tightly, the metal biting into the fleshly part of my palm.
“You’re pissed. I know.” He sat on the edge of the bed, twisting his midsection so he was facing me. His eyes were glued on my hand. “Veronica and Candy were just messing with you.”
My brows rose. “
Messing
with me? And you just...” I trailed off. What he did or didn’t do wasn’t the problem here or what was even important. “Del—”
“I didn’t do anything. I know. And I should’ve made them stop.” He took a breath, rubbing the heel of his hand over his jaw. “I’m sorry. I don’t like seeing you embarrassed and hurt.”
I blew out a tired breath as I studied him. I couldn’t help but see him and Cassie together, but could he have been responsible for all this? My instinct told me no, but how could I really trust that? And that wasn’t even the reason for why this needed to end.
Letting out a sigh, he sprawled across my bed, on his side. “Don’t you like the necklace, Sammy? If not, I can buy you a new one—something better... with sapphires? They’re your favorite stone. Well, they were....”
My fingers loosened around the necklace. “I don’t need a new necklace.”
He looked up at me, his eyes full of uncertainty. “Then tell me what I need to do to make you happy. I can take you to that restaurant in Philly that does the sushi the way you like it. Or we can spend the weekend at the Poconos. I’m sure your parents will be okay with that.”
I winced. There wasn’t anything he could do. Lies about our relationship and my suspicions aside, this was coming. I knew days ago that I needed to end things with him. I just didn’t feel what I should when we were together. My breath didn’t catch. There wasn’t a soft flutter in my chest. My stomach didn’t get tipsy just hearing his name. Those were all things that I felt for another boy ... and that was just wrong.
Del must’ve seen it in my eyes because he sat up, searching my face intently. “We can make this work.”
“I don’t think we can,” I said softly.
He looked away, shaking his head slightly. “Is it because of what happened today?”
“N-no, not ... not really,” I stuttered. Had I done this before? If so, did I suck as badly at it then as I did now? “I’m sorry. I really am. I just don’t—”
“We can work on this.” He turned to me again, eyes so dark they almost looked black. “You just need more time.”
I met his stare. “Time isn’t going to change anything. I don’t feel that way for you. We’d make good friends, but—”
“I don’t want to be friends with you.” He jerked back, eyes widening. “I can’t believe you’re doing this after everything.”
This hurt more than I had expected. I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and turned his hand over.
“Don’t,” he whispered. “Sammy, don’t do this....”
Wetness gathered in my eyes as I placed my hand over his, pressing the necklace into his open palm. The moment my hand touched his, I shuddered. The memory came on so quickly it left me spinning. A dull gray film dropped over my eyes.
“Don’t you dare act like this is my fault!” I screamed.
“I’m not acting like anything! Jesus.” He flopped back on his bed, grabbing the remote control. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this. You had fun while you were doing it.”
Tears clouded my eyes as I looked down. Humiliation didn’t even cover it as I thumbed through the photos on his phone. Pictures all linked to text messages he’d sent Trey, who in turn had sent it to everyone.
I sat on the edge of the bed. I was so stupid, so freaking stupid. I wanted to die.
He nudged me in the back with his bare foot. “Don’t be upset with me over this, okay?”
Don’t be upset?
Everyone had seen these pictures. No wonder Veronica looked like she’d scored the entire spring Prada line this morning. And I bet Cassie was just thrilled. In that moment I hated them all.
Muttering under his breath, Del sat and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Look, all the guys think it’s hot as hell. They’re jealous of me.”
I stiffened.
All the guys
... The entire baseball team had been sending these pictures back and forth. Mortification squeezed my chest, stealing my breath. My brother had seen me doing ... doing this? So had Carson?
I shrugged off his embrace and stood. “Don’t touch me.”
Del rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”
“I can’t believe you did that.” I threw his cell phone. It hit the hardwood floor, bounced once, and then cracked. A sick sense of justice filled me when the screen went gray.
Del shot off the bed, grabbing his phone. “Damn it, Sammy! Do you have any idea how much this cost me?”
“Do you know how much that embarrassed me?” I fingered the heart at the end of the necklace. “Or do you even care?”
He looked up, eyes narrowed. Tossing the phone aside, he stalked toward me. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
Swallowing, I backed up. “I hate you,” I whispered.
“No, you don’t.” He grabbed my hand, squeezing so that the heart dug into my palm. I winced. “And don’t pull your little ‘I’m going to break up with you
’
bullshit. You know you’re not. So just get over it.”
I was sucked out of the memory because I couldn’t breathe. Del’s arms were around me, holding me tight against his chest. I could feel his heart pounding as fast as mine.
“Sammy, say something,” he said. “Damn it, are you okay?”
Hot rage swelled inside me. The mysterious pictures my mom had referenced had been explained. My voice came out a broken whisper. “Don’t touch me.”
He stilled against me. “Sammy...”
The anger warmed me from inside, sharp and explosive. “Don’t touch me!” I screamed, breaking free of his suddenly lax hold. Jumping from the bed, I backed away from him, my chest rising and falling unsteadily. “You took pictures of me doing
that
to you?”
Del’s mouth dropped open as shock flinted across his face. “You remember?”
“How could you?” I demanded, the humiliation washing over me as if it had happened yesterday. Everyone had seen those pictures.
Everyone
. “How could I’ve been okay with that? What the hell was wrong with me? I can’t believe I stayed with you. Jesus.”
“Do you remember everything?” He stood, taking a step toward me.
“Don’t come near me!” I took another step back, hitting the wall. “I don’t need to remember anything else. That was enough.”
Relief shone in his eyes so quickly that I thought I’d imagined it. A keen sense of wariness was there now. “Sammy, you forgave me for that.”
I laughed harshly. “Then I’m an idiot because from what I remember, I wasn’t happy about it.”
He dragged a hand through his hair, tugging at the ends. “It wasn’t my fault. Trey got a hold of my phone and saw the pictures. He sent them to himself, and then it just went crazy from there.”
“Like that’s supposed to make it better?” I strived to keep myself from kicking him right between the legs. “Did I know you took those pictures, Del? And don’t you dare lie to me!”
Del looked away, and that told me everything. Disgust rolled through me, and I clung to it. Better than the self-loathing lurking underneath it. How could I have stayed with him after such a betrayal? And I had a feeling that he was right—I had forgiven him.
I wanted to hurl.
“Get out of here,” I said, voice shaking.
His head whipped back to me. “You’re overreacting. You just need to calm down. We can—”
“There’s no ‘we’ in anything! This whole ‘I’m breaking up with you’ bullshit is for real this time.” Del took another step forward, and I screamed, “Get out!”
“Sammy, I’m sorry. It was wrong what I did. I get that. But we can talk about this.”
A wicked sense of déjà vu hit me. How many times had we been in this same position? He’d do something. I’d get mad. We’d fight. Rinse and repeat. But this time was different—
I
was different.
“Please leave,” I said, much calmer.
He opened his mouth, but footsteps pounded through the hallway. A second later, Scott rushed the doorway, cheeks flushed. He glanced at Del and then me.
“What the hell is going on in here?” he demanded.
Annoyance crossed Del’s features. “This isn’t any of your business.”
My brother stepped into the room, his hands closing into fists. “Are you serious?” He glanced at me, eyes bright and furious. “Why were you yelling, Sam?”
“I want him to leave,” I said, folding my arms.
A grim smile appeared on Scott’s face. “Then you’d better be leaving, Del.”
Anger replaced the annoyance, and I was reminded of the rage behind the desperation in my first memory of him. I knew being turned down wasn’t something Del was accustomed to.
“Don’t do this, Sammy,” he said with that same look.
I didn’t understand why he even wanted to make this work, but it didn’t matter. I wasn’t backing down. Even before the memory resurfaced I had my mind made up. This just cemented my decision. “Please leave.”
Del took one step toward me, and that was it.
My brother shot across the room, moving like a streak of lightning. There was a brief second when I wasn’t sure what he was going to do, and then I saw him cock back his arm. His fist crashed into Del’s face, and the boy went down like a sack of potatoes, smacking on the floor with a heavy thud.
Scott lowered his fist. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”