Do Anything (23 page)

Over the past few days, the bruises on Holden’s face have nearly healed, but something much worse has emerged in their place. There’s a distance between us, and for the first time since I’ve come back to The Three Horseshoes, I think I’ve admitted to myself I was hoping for something more. I kept telling myself we should never be together, while my heart was falling a little more each day. Now it may not matter how I feel, and a disappointment has settled on my soul, which I can’t seem to shake.

I haven’t heard a word from Jack since I left him in that cell. Even though he seemed to have lost the viciousness with which he was approaching our situation, you never know with him. On more than one occasion he’s manipulated situations to ultimately get what he wants. For all I know, he’s lulled me into a false sense of comfort while he is gathering an arsenal of lawyers to come at me full force.

The baby presses what I assume is the heel of her foot into my side; I shift in my seat, pushing on her to move her into a more comfortable position.

“Can I get you anything, dear?” I hear Bea’s voice behind me.

Turning, I smile and shake my head. Being a month away from the due date has me moving around much slower. I press up on the arms of the chair and after a few seconds, when I’m fully upright, I turn and look at her. “No thanks, I’m good. I should get back to work anyway.”

“Are you sure?” she questions. This has been another one of the changes over the past few days. Bea had begun to warm up to me again before Jack showed up, but since the day he came and confronted me, she has been different. She’s been incredibly sweet, but there’s a pity about it that I loathe.

I insist, “I’m fine.”

I jump when a glass slams into the counter. Glancing up, I see Holden darting out from around the bar. He’s moving so quickly I find myself frightened. My heart catches in my chest when I see his target. Jack is standing just inside the door, with Holden closing the distance between them in just a few leaps.

Jack’s hands fly up in the air, covering his face. “I swear I’m just here to talk.”

“She has nothing left to say to you. Now get out of here before I have you thrown in a cell again,” Holden barks, pointing toward the door, hovering only inches from Jack’s face.

Jack isn’t afraid of a fight. There has never in his life been a fight he was afraid of, so why isn’t he swinging at Holden?

“Look, man, I promise I’m not here to cause any trouble. I just need to talk to her for a second,” he pleads.

“Didn’t you—”

I don’t wait for Holden to finish his statement. I move a few steps away from the fireplace and announce, “I’ll speak with him.”

Holden swiftly shifts his head to look in my direction. His face says it all—the enlarged eyes, the flared nostrils, red skin tone—he’s not happy about my decision. But this isn’t about him, or us. I run a hand across my stomach, and his face begins to soften. He sees what I’m thinking. He understands I have to do this. And with that, Holden takes a step back away from Jack.

Jack snarls in Holden’s direction, which doesn’t surprise me. He isn’t one to take orders from someone, and for Holden to yell at him in the way he did, it must’ve taken all the restraint Jack had not to lose his temper. He crosses the room, coming to stand in front of me. I realize the place is silent, all eyes on us.

“Maybe we should sit down,” I suggest in a quiet voice and motion toward the chairs in front of the fireplace. He follows my lead, and once we are in the chairs a small bustling of whispers erupts.

“I didn’t expect to see you so soon,” I remark, examining Jack’s face for some hint of what he might be thinking. His eyes are bloodshot, and he looks tired. I recognize the clothes he’s wearing. They’re the same ones he had on the day he and Holden got into the altercation, and I wonder if he brought anything with him. Did he jump on a plane the moment he found out where I was? Not even taking the time to bring a change of clothes?

“I had to see you before I left,” Jack begins.

“Is everything all right?”

He doesn’t speak at first, pulling an envelope from his pocket. He stares at it, flipping it end over end in his hands. I’m about to repeat the question when he reaches towards me, extending me the envelope, and cautiously I take it. I wait for him to explain, but still he remains quiet. I pull open the envelope, revealing a check inside. My breath catches in my throat when I see the amount.

“What is this?” I gasp.

He takes a deep breath, then looks at me. Pressing his lips together, he licks them at first, and I notice the still swollen split in his lower one. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the talk we had.”

“I see.” Dropping the check into my lap, I stare back at him.

“I think I had this idea in my head since college that I was going to marry you. I’ve been having trouble reconciling anything but that as reality, and then after we talked I realized you’re right, we’re too broken to just fix. Or maybe it’s me; I’m the one who’s too broken—I don’t know,” he mutters, a sadness draped around him like a wet towel.

“You’re not a horrible guy, Jack,” I offer.

“Just a horrible boyfriend.” He forces a smile.

I laugh, then agree.

He shakes his head, and I fall silent, listening as he continues. “I don’t know how to get over you. Most nights I hardly sleep. I lay there, thinking about all my regrets. But when I found out about the baby, something in me thought we could fix us for him. I could be a better man for the kid.”

“Jack—” I start, but he lifts a finger to silence me.

“Please, just let me get this out. I know you won’t believe me, and I can’t blame you, but I do love you. I did then, too. I’m messed up, Anna, and I know that. In more ways than I can probably ever figure out. But I know I love you because I’m willing to let you go.”

There’s a pain in my chest. All of the air is knocked out of me, and I feel tears pooling in my eyes. There are pieces of the Jack I fell in love with sitting right in front of me. How can I possibly hate him? Some of the best moments of my life have been with him. I can’t … I can’t hate him.

“You were the steady in my life,” he says, his voice cracking. “A guiding—I don’t know. My compass. When my chaos became too much, you’d ground me. But somewhere over the years, I started to pull you into it and make you part of that pain.”

“We just grew apart,” I offer, wanting his self-deprecation to stop.

He scoffs, then continues, “You know that’s what my parents always said. I asked them once why they just didn’t get divorced. They told me you stick it out, no matter how miserable you are. Can you imagine that? Choosing to live in misery? When you and I talked, I realized that’s what I would be asking you to do—live a life vacant of happiness and love.”

“So what’s this mean?” I ask softly.

“This check is to help you with the birth expenses and keep you going for a while. We can work out payments for the future later,” he says, wiping his eyes and straightening in the chair.

“So you don’t want to be in this child’s life?” I ask, but I don’t know what I want his answer to be.

He shakes his head. “I didn’t say that. But I want to leave that up to you."

"What you want to do shouldn’t be my decision,” I protest.

“I’ve done so much wrong in my life, and I want to do this right. I’d love to stay in contact, and I want to know what’s happening with the kid. So it’s not that I don’t want to be in his life. I don’t want him growing up with screwed up parents like I did. Hell, I feel like my life is so messed up right now, this kid will hate me.”

“I don’t have any magic answers either, but I do have one request. Don’t enter her life until you’re ready to be all in,” I explain. “I don’t want her getting to know you, and then you’re just gone one day.”

He runs his fingers through his hair and closes his eyes for a moment; he shifts forward in his seat. He bites his top lip as he considers his words. “I know I’m not ready to be a dad right now, but I promise, if I ever believe I am, I’ll make sure I prove it to you first. I at least owe you two that.”

“Jack …” A tear rolls down my cheek. I see the pain in him as he speaks to me. The regret of all the things he’s done.

He stands up and extends a hand. Instinctively, I grab it and once upright, I embrace him.
I’m actually hugging him
. Though I don’t love him, I no longer hate him either.

We separate, and a thought pops into my mind. “How will you explain this to your parents?”

“Let me worry about that.”

“Are you sure about this? We can work out some sort of visitation.”

He nods and squeezes my arm. “I know when we’re all ready, we’ll figure something out. Right now, I think you two will be better off without me. I’ve got to get my head straight.”

“Jack, you’re not all bad,” I remind him.

“I never said I was.” He laughs. “But I know I’m not dad material, at least not yet. Just promise me one thing.”

“What?” Part of me worries he’s fooled me, that he hasn’t changed at all, and the real plan is about to come to light.

“Be sure, and I mean really sure, before you let someone into our kid’s life.” His words shock me.

“I—” I don’t know how to respond.

“All I’m saying is, you trusted me, and look where that got you.” Leaning in, he gives me a kiss on the cheek.

I swallow hard; it hurts because I know he’s right. I did trust him. Maybe I’m a bad judge of character.

Jack glances over at Holden, who is glaring at him from behind the bar. “He seems nice, but just have both eyes open this time. You don’t deserve another guy like me.”

I walk him to the door, we exchange a few more words, and then, with one last hug he says goodbye to me.

“I’ll call you when it’s time?” I offer.

“I’d like that,” he replies, then he’s gone. My mind is racing. I’m full of hope. I want this to be real. More than anything I want Jack to be this man I just spoke to. There is a peace in knowing that the man I was willing to marry isn’t the complete scum of the Earth; he’s broken, but not evil. In the back of my mind, though, there is still the nagging voice that wonders if I just made a huge mistake.

Sliding up to the bar, a smile is plastered across my face. It’s hard not to be full of joy when one of the biggest worries in my life has dissolved. Not only has Jack freely chosen to give me custody, but he has also stepped up and committed to helping me support this child.

With my heart racing, all I want to do is hurry upstairs and write. I know I have to resist the urge. The dinner rush is about to start, and Holden will need my help with waitressing.

“What was that?” Holden growls. He has an expression on his face, one I haven’t seen from him before.

I don’t bother hiding my look of shock. “What are talking about?”

He leans across the bar and lowers his voice to a whisper, “Did you forget that he threatened to take your baby away from you?”

His voice is full of so much contempt it turns my stomach. “This isn’t any of your business,” I state directly.

“Belle.” When he says my name this time, it doesn’t have its normal effect on me. “You were hugging him, and you let him kiss you. I mean Christ—”

“Seriously? It was on my cheek. And like I said, it’s none of your business.”

“Oh really?” He huffs. “So when you need a place to stay and a job, then it’s my business, but not now?”

“You should stop,” I warn him, glaring.

“Oh, the truth is hard to hear, is it?” he presses.

“I mean it.” I can feel my nostrils flaring.

“I don’t understand how he blows in here, swinging punches a few days ago, and then today—” I don’t wait for him to finish speaking. I push off the bar and head up the stairs to my room. “Where are you going?” he shouts, but I choose to ignore his demands.

I make my way up the stairs as quickly as I can, which unfortunately isn’t very fast given my current state. I can already hear him, his footsteps pounding closer. When I get to the top I can hear him on the steps. I don’t wait, and I don’t slow down. I rush straight to my door, unlock it, and move inside. I’m about to close it behind me when his hand slides in and stops me.

“Don’t walk away from me while I’m talking to you,” he snarls, pushing open the door, stepping in, and closing it behind him.

I raise my eyebrows. “Excuse me? Don’t you dare tell me what to do. Who in the hell do you think you are?” I’m not able to remain calm any longer. The frustration has consumed me.

“I’m someone who cares about you and this baby,” he answers. But this only frustrates me more.

“Well, I didn’t ask you to.”

“No, you didn’t, but I fell in love with you, and that just goes with the territory.” The words fly out of his mouth and swirl around my head for a moment.
He’s in love with me. He’s in love with me
.
He just said he’s in love with me
. I let all the air out of my lungs and fall back onto the bed, sitting with a bounce. I don’t look at him. I can’t. One minute I was thrilled my life was becoming a little less complicated, and then he had to go and make it more complicated than ever.

“You think you love me,” I mutter quietly.

“Say what you will, but I know my heart.”