DISOWNED (26 page)

They come showing us who we are,

Or, who someday, we have to become.

"Do you like it?"

   "Very much, David."

   "Rivkah, sit down. I want to talk to you."

   "Why?"

   "Why? I'm your brother."

   "It's too noisy here David. We can sit over there, in the next room."

They walk together to a little study, and sit down on a sofa, at opposite ends.

David looks down at the floor for a moment, and rubs his hand up and down on his knee. "You're life, Rivkah, how are you doing?"

   "I'm working things out." Rivkah feels uneasy. She wants to get up, grab Joshua and run.

"By herself a person can't work things out. With God's help it's different."

"I have God's help."

   David is taken aback. "Of course you have. And I'm proud of you Rivkah. Very proud. And grandpa, grandma, Uncle Reb Bershky, wherever they are now. I know also, they're very proud."

   Rivkah tries to get up but he reaches out his hand to hold her. It is slim, pale and shaky.

   "Wait a minute more."

   "What do you want?"

   "You're afraid of me, Rivkah?"

"I'm not afraid."

"You look afraid. I don't want to scare you. But, Rivkah, come home."

   Come home? her heart starts fluttering, beating wildly. Come home to who? Come home to where? "Years it's been, David."

   "Years mean nothing. I don't mean to upset you, but God has told us the way to reach him. And he told me to tell you to come home!"

"I reach God in my way, David."

   "Feh."

"I have my own teacher now."

"Feh. Feh."

   "How dare you say feh! You don't even know him."

"Is he Jewish?"

"He isn't."

"Then he's not for you!"

"Wrong. He's been here for me, David, year after year. No matter what's happened. And he's answered my questions! Not like the Rabbis."

   "What kind of answers though? And don't speak ill of the Rabbis!"

   Rivkah can't breathe. Her face feels drained of life and her heart is running.

  "I'm lonely for you, Rivkah. Please come home."

  "David, I am home."

  "You're nowhere."

   "You're not lonely for me, you don't even know me."

   "But I heard so many stories of you and grandma Devorah. I heard you were her favorite."

"What?"

"She counted on you."

   Rivkah starts trembling. "I wasn't her favorite. She couldn't stand me."

   David bites his lips hard. "A lie you're living, Rivkah. You know what she even wrote in a letter? We found it a few years ago. She said her wedding dress she is leaving to Rivkah. When you get married, we must bring it down. It's waiting upstairs in the attic for you."

   Rivkah feels faint. "David, you never knew her. You want to know her. But I can't wear her wedding dress, ever. I can't become Devorah."

   "No one's asking you to become Devorah. Only to become a Jew again."

   "I am a Jew."

   "Not really."

"No? Now you listen to me."

   Rivkah gets up swiftly, goes to her bag and pulls out some of the letters she's working on. "You see this?"

   "What are they?"

   "Letters to One Hundred Rabbis."

   He gets up and looks closer. "Really?"

   "I am a Jew. A very good Jew. See my collection of letters. These letters are part of my mitzvah. They speak from my own heart. The truth."

   "Rivkah you're very mixed up."

   "Wrong. It says that every Jew must write his own Torah. He must speak to God as he feels in his heart."

   David sits back down, pale.

  "You think I've done nothing. You think I've been nowhere. But David, you're wrong. There are many ways to speak to God. It's not enough to just put a wig on. I have to become a real Jew."

 "There's only one way."

   "For you maybe!"

   "All Jews! A real Jew learns how to love everybody." David calls after her. "Even his own family."

   "That's what we learn in the zendo."

   "Good."

   "If it wasn't for my Zen practice do you think I come ever become a real Jew? Could I ever have made a bris for Joshua?"

   Now in the next room, Joshua starts crying, and for a moment sounds just like David crying in his cradle years ago.

"The baby is crying. He needs you, Rivkah."

   "I know he needs me."

"So, what will you do? For how long do you think you can make Sabbath alone with him? The question is not who are
you
! The question is, what will become of Joshua? Will he ever know where he's from or what God wants of him?"

   Rivkah goes to the next room, picks the baby up out of his cradle, holds him close in her arms, and brings him back quickly inside. She goes straight back to David.

   "I'm never giving up the zendo. I'm never giving up Eido."

   "All right. So don't give them up. What do I care? Bring him with you. Just, I beg you, come home too."

   Rivkah walks closer to David. Tears are streaming down David's face."Don't cry David, I beg you."

   "How can I help it? So much hurt we've all suffered. All the Jewish people."

   "David, I love you. Stop crying, please."

   "I can't. Rivkah please, don't leave us again. Me, mamma, papa, everybody in Borough Park, we all need you."

   "I'll be there for you David. Don't cry. I promise. In a good way. In a way that's true." Suddenly Rivkah stops trembling inside. "I'm stronger now. Really. And I thank God for everything, everything!

"Rivkah, give me your hand." David holds out his shaky hand to her now. "You're allowed to hold a brother's hand for a minute."

   Rivkah reaches out, and with Joshua in her arms, takes her brother's beautiful hand.

   "Allowed, allowed,” Rivkah whispers, “I'm going to come back and tell everyone in Borough Park, we’re allowed to be happy, to love, to be true. It's only good that God wants for all of us."

   "Tell them whatever you want," David murmurs. "Only Rivkah, please, please come home."

Also by Gabriella Murray

CONFINEMENT

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