Dismantled (Girls on Top #2) (13 page)

We spent another hour or so shooting more rounds, after Sam finished bragging about me and telling my stories to everyone who would listen. Truth is, I’m really good at a lot of things. I do try to be the best I can at everything I decide to pursue. There’s no miracle formula, just a lot of hard work and dedication and absolutely no whining. And well, sometimes, I do get lucky.

When I was a member of the US Army Military Police, I earned the Expert Level of the Army Marksmanship Qualification for rifles and pistols. Let’s just say that I know my way around firearms. It’s just that I’m not a bragger and I’d rather keep these things to myself. So when Sam decided to talk about it, I was ready to go and hide. Since I wanted to practice a little more, I excused myself and went back to the range to gather my things.

Traxx walked back in with me. “You could stay with the guys, you know.” I tell him while I busy myself loading everything in the duffle bag.

“Nah, what kind of gentleman would I be if I let you carry everything?”

“Traxx, I carried the duffle bag inside the building.”

“Well, that was BEFORE.”

“Before what?”

“Before I realized you are full of awesomeness and surprises all jammed into a cute, tiny package.” He gives me his best panty-dropping smile.

“Ha-ha! Real funny.”

He turns and steps over to me, invading my personal space and taking me by surprise. My heart races and my temperature rises. I’m not sure how much more I can tolerate keeping away from him, because to tell you the truth, the Traxx that’s emerging from this terrible situation, has an appeal that is proving hard to resist.

I look him in the eyes – they are not sad this time, but they spark with
something
else that is hard for me to pinpoint – and I stay silent not wanting to betray the spell of this moment. He reaches his hand and cups my cheek. I’m afraid to move. My breath hitches a little and in that moment, all I can breathe is him. All I can smell is him. All I can sense is him. All I can feel is him. He’s consuming me from the outside in and my body’s giving up a battle that hasn’t even started. His callous thumb moves across my cheek, and each raspy touch brings me back from my sinful thoughts into this moment.

“Nibblet,” He says my name quietly, soothingly.

All I can do is whimper. “Uh huh…”

“Don’t you know that some of the best things in life come in small packages?” He lowers his head and his lips are coming straight for mine. At the last moment, Traxx stops, like he thinks better of it, and veers his lips to my other cheek. Feeling his five o’clock shadow on my smooth skin makes me really happy. I think our friendship may be moving in a different direction and I have to think about this because I’m not sure we are ready.

Parked across the street from the shooting range, the creepers are watching. Waiting patiently for a sighting of their target.

“How much can they shoot in two hours? I thought all the time slots were for one hour at a time.” Asked a creeper.

“You know, some say patience it’s a virtue. I get it. I’m tired of sittin’ my ass in this car and waiting until something worthy of our attention happens.” Creeper two speaks, quietly, with frustrated words.

“Can we go get a coffee?”

“I don’t think we should step out of the vehicle under any circumstances. All it takes is one glance and we will be busted. If that happens who’s going to call the boss?”

The creeper rolls his eyes and leans back on the seat. “Fine, then I’m taking a nap. Wake me up in thirty minutes.”

“You are never going to get better at this if you go to sleep every time you get a chance.”

“Whatever…”

One asleep, one awake, they continue their watch.

“And that’s what happened.” It’s been a couple of days and I have crisscrossed paths with my friends one too many times, never having a chance to catch up. Today after work, I wasn’t going to let it go again. I setup a video chat so I can update Keagan and Brianna, on the situation with Traxx. “What do think?”

Keagan is first. “Well, it sounds promising. The hand on the cheek it’s definitely a sign that he’s feeling something. And I know my cousin, ‘feelings’ have never been part of him.”

“You know I’m not his biggest fan, I mean I love the guy, I just don’t love him with you. He doesn’t know what he’s doing,
obviously
.” Said Brianna. “It sounds like he’s unsure of what to do. Anyway, we seem to have forgotten that he has
always
been attracted to you. Always. It’s been hard for him to keep from crossing the line. I know it for a fact because I have heard him talk to Colton about it. Colton and Notso have talked him out of pursuing something with you many times in the past few years. I may have promised to rip his balls out of his body if he tried anything with you, too.”

“Why?”

“Because if it didn’t work out, it would have messed with our group dynamic. They were scared that if he tried a conventional relationship and it didn’t work it would have affected all of us. I also agreed.”

“So, whatever my opinion was on the subject, didn’t matter?” I asked Brianna. “You’ve known for a long time that I have feelings for him.”

“It did, but we thought you were not thinking clearly and I just wanted to protect you. Who loves a manwhore?” Brianna answered and I nod because I truly understand the whys. Traxx was a different person back then.

“Who loves a manwhore?” I repeat. “Someone who knows the real person behind the mask. He has always been different when it was just him and I. But it’s all irrelevant right now. Guys, going back to the current events, am I reading too much into it?” I asked.

“Ciara, he just doesn’t flirt anymore. We have not seen him give anyone his attention since before that night…” That was Keagan.

“Maybe he’s just missing being able to flirt with girls in general and you are readily available.” Brianna adds.

“My question to you, Ciara, is do you think he’s ready to move on from what happened and start something completely foreign and different from what he’s done in the past.”

“Keagan, that’s something that only he can answer. I refuse to think that my senses are so far off. Besides, you girls are no help.” I tell them and all they can do is shrug.

“Ciara, some things are for you to figure out on your own. And regardless what you decide and how it goes, we will be here for you and love you always.” Brianna says and Keagan agrees.

“Okay, let’s just leave it at that for now. Chat with you guys later?”

Frustrated, I close down the laptop and swiftly move to the fridge to get a beer and a koozie from the drawer. I go to the balcony and sit down on the shaded side. The sun is setting and the unforgivable heat is cooling off a little. I’m thinking about the last few months and everything that we all have gone through. Yes, Traxx was the original victim, but the rest of us were also victims and felt every ripple of this situation. Being close with someone means to experience their problems as if they were your own - and we are all close. We don’t ignore. We don’t brush off. When Traxx suffers, we do too. At the same time, when he experiences small victories, we do that as well. It’s a blessing and a curse, but it makes life more meaningful. I can’t imagine any of us going through life – day in, day out – without meaning, the only purpose being to blandly exist. Hell, no.

I finish the beer and go get another one. At times, I see him speak to me with his hands, his smiles. I don’t want to sound cheesy and talk about a current moving through us, but what does exist, at least for me, is an unmistakable attraction. When he’s looking at me – really looking – my heartbeat starts having a race with itself, my stomach drops, my temperature rises and lust takes over my brain and
other parts
. My reaction is that I want to get closer, to really establish a connection based on knowledge of the things that we love, the things that we fear. The things that make us laugh and those that make us sad. All the things that make us… well, us.

I get up to get my doodle notebook and while I’m at it, grab a third beer. I start to think about the things that make Traxx special to me, my hand moves as my thoughts get deep, putting all these feelings through the pencil and letting the lead show the results. After a couple of hours, I admire the filled pages and come to the realization that the good has always outweighed the bad, and in my book, that is the golden rule of love. We all possess qualities that we may not be too proud of and we work hard to hide them and only let the good ones surface. I knew these things about Traxx, but putting them down on paper reaffirm my hidden knowledge of what I really need to do.

Getting up from the chair, I take a deep breath and hope that I’m making the right decision.

I leave the office early and no one says anything because I normally immerse myself in work, but today other things are taking place. For the past few weeks I have been in a state of pure tension, but not because of what happened months ago, it’s what is happening right in front of my very own eyes. This situation is completely foreign to someone like me, a person that was unable to form a bond with girls because I was too scared to trust. I’m frustrated and confused.

I mean, Ciara is a knockout. She’s not only beautiful, but she’s also smart, brave and fearless. I feel like I have been missing out. Like all these years I have only been given a tiny glimpse of what she is really about. Who am I kidding? I was scared to know. I was scared to go against what my friends wanted because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I was afraid to love and let others love me because what if they didn’t like the real me? What was it she taught me about fear?… Oh, yeah, fear is an evil bitch and I should never let it control my life.

Am I ready to take that step? Am I
really
ready? Ready to let go of old inhibitions? Ready to dispose of who I used to be and ready to let myself feel? God, even the thought is scary and intimidating. Am I ready to take all my broken pieces, put them in place and confront the person that I’ve become, the real me? I think that it would be liberating. I had chained myself to what I believed I should be like instead of being the real me. I closed all the doors. If others care and love me, why can’t I do the same?

Sometimes I think that life has punished me enough. I was a jerk and have learned my lesson. I live with regret for some things that I have done. All I need to do is figure out a way to make a difference. To help others the way my friends are helping me.
The way Ciara is helping me.

I grab a beer from the fridge and head to the balcony. I hear music from below and I smile. Looking at the parking lot I spot her car. Ciara is home. I feel so emotionally vulnerable at the moment, I want to jump and run to her door, assault her lips and kiss her senseless. So many things I want to tell her. What I feel when we are hanging out, how I admire her on so many levels, and how grateful I am that she is opening my eyes to what really matters. Life, me, her,
us
. Fuck!

I want to be near her. I know she feels something for me. No one would give so much of themselves to help another human being if they didn’t care. If you asked me this question a year ago, I would have laughed. I didn’t know what it meant to be broken back then, but now, now that pieces of me are all over the place, I’ve experienced broken. I’m completely
dismantled
. But I’m luckier than most, because when I needed her most, she was there for me. She managed to step in, to unknowingly enter my thoughts, my life, and is trying like hell to push the right pieces towards me, so I can pull myself together and be the man I’ve wanted to be but hid away because I was too chicken shit to let him move outward.

I take the beer bottle to the trashcan, and as I’m getting ready to drop the bottle, I think that in the bigger picture, I’m actually throwing life away because I’m not living in the moment. I should know better. I’m aware of the importance to live in the moment and without fear, I’m still not doing the things that I really want to do, holding my own self back. A smile spreads on my face because the picture is finally clear. I know what I have to do and the knowledge is liberating.