Dislocated to Success (19 page)

I started wittering about infrastructure funds and trading status now changing, and how we could arrange tariff deals for the VOC and trans-shipments etc. That wasn't what they wanted. They wanted help to take the islands under control, and to deal with the WIC's ships. Hal wasn't helpful at this point, suggesting that the WIC were now effectively pirates. Whilst I could see his point of view, it would be quite a brave step to take.

However, we came to an agreement. All UP-flagged ships could be inspected by British patrols from the 1st of August; the UP could send some people to talk to the RN about joining the patrols. We would look at the legal situation of WIC ships, which was complicated slightly by the numbers hired in, and at least seek to detain them should they come to a British port. We would discuss with the PM about what could be done to assist the UP to bring about transition in the Netherlands West Indies.

As we left, they gave us a list of all the WIC's ships and hired ships, for which we were quite happy - until we saw the last line. Six ships were from the UP, one from East Frisia, one from Denmark, two from Bremen and - adding to the already complex situation - one was from Boston. I looked forward to talking to Michael about that.

Of course, the stopping and the seizure of the hired ships was not well beloved by the owners; the UP accepted it as a fait accompli, and used it as part of their evidence to finally remove the charter of the WIC. Michael used it as an excuse to finally bring Massachusetts to heel; we did annoy the East Frisians and the Danes a little, but East Frisia was too inconsequential and the Danes doing too well out of trade to make more than a token noise. We promised that the ships would eventually be returned after various inspections and evidence taking; there was still some concern that there might be British criminal elements involved in the slave trade, which had become exceptionally profitable.

However, the Free and Hanseatic City of Bremen had not got on with us from the first days, when we had made our first contact at their old rival Hamburg; and whilst Hamburg had prospered, Bremen had not - they were losing trade and had been in recession for a couple of years. Unfortunately, their steps to deal with this mainly came from the Ted Heath school of politics. They took immense umbrage to this, and when their note was replied to in the standard fashion they issued an ultimatum that their ships should be released within 24 hours or we would find ourselves at war with them. I am afraid that I smirked a little at this news, and when I shared it with David Waddington
[53]
  he roared with laughter. Bremen, he assured me, was a 3-hour job; the MoD had rated countries by how long they thought they would take to conquer.

After a very short and amused discussion, during which many references were made to
The Mouse That Roared
, we decided pretty much to leave our modern-day Duchy of Grand Fenwick to wither on the vine. They had zero threat capability, there were believed to be no British citizens there and the amount of trade done there was desultory. A travel warning was issued and handed out at Hamburg and some of the ferry ports; I did warn David to watch out for rogue longbowmen. Norman, of course, considered that Bremen was possibly looking to be defeated and then get assistance on rebuilding, but it is part of his job to think the worst of people.

The war was concluded about a week later; we received a message from Bremen - from people opposed to the Ruling Burgomaster - that if a small show of force could be made, then something could be done. After a quick consultation, a small visit by the RAF was made, dropping leaflets that suggested that Bremen should end this foolish war. There was no threat, and we didn’t intend to do anything unless they did something very silly. Within a day, we heard that the Ruling Burgomaster had resigned due to ill health, and that the Bremen Council deeply regretted the ultimatum; they suggested that it had been issued by people who were not in full command of their faculties, and should be ignored. We were happy to do that; the travel ban was lifted, and relations with Bremen have improved slightly since - although the condition of the city to this day remains fairly poor compared to Hamburg or Hannover.

Chapter 16

Of course, with the Dislocation occurring, what would have been history changes, we had caused quite a few people to live beyond their allotted span already; something which had caused some moral problems with a few of the stricter Calvinists. However, Gian Gastone of Tuscany was the first really prominent example of someone we had indirectly killed off earlier. Unfortunately, the Tuscan court had become somewhat notorious during 1981 and a few of the more unpleasant London queens and rent boys had made their way to Firenze. They had also introduced Gian Gastone to poppers, amphetamines and some exotic American sexual practices normally only seen amongst the denizens of the Coleherne.  Unfortunately, and probably partly due to these introductions, he died two years before his allotted span.

This plunged us into a succession crisis - as well as a minor diplomatic contretemps, as there had been a very swift and rather nasty clampdown on the human leeches that masqueraded as his favourites, of which a handful were cis-British citizens. One of these was the mildly notorious Nicky Crane, by day literally a standard-bearer of the national socialist British Movement and by night an enthusiastic and rather vicious rent boy. It is quite amazing how many people on the far-right actually are gay, and the lengths they go to conceal it - badly. Our moral duty was to get Crane out, as otherwise it was quite likely he would be broken on the wheel or something similarly unpleasant.

We also had to deal with the Tuscan succession crisis at the same time, where we were being clandestinely called in by all parties as arbiters, although the Spanish would not make their support for our arbitration public. The choices were threefold: a line which would lead to the Spanish; one that would lead to the Hapsburgs; and the Ottajano line. The claim for the Ottajano was very dubious, but was a useful compromise; however, the situation with them was a senile grandparent and a minor. We engineered a compromise - Gian Gastone’s sister Anna Maria Luisa would inherit, but would adopt the minor Ottajano as her heir.  This satisfied no-one, but also angered no-one. As it happened, it proved to be a very good move; the heir clause was kept under wraps for a number of years by the agreement of all parties, whilst the young man in question was whipped away to a good Catholic school in the UK.

Anna Maria Luisa was suitably grateful and did what we requested with regards to the four British (one formerly American) prisoners who had been taken, which was a relief; she also proved to be generous with her private fortune and kept Gian Gastone’s more sensible reforms on board - although she generally moved others to a more normal trans-Catholic viewpoint. As a result, we ended up giving asylum to around a dozen other denizens of Gian Gastone’s court, most of which turned up at the City of Quebec or on the Dilly.  Unfortunately, during the return of these people to the UK, someone accidentally leaked the details of why they were being expelled from Tuscany and had been held in prison to The Sun. This was very unfortunate, as I understand it caused terrible problems for Nicky Crane amongst his old friends on the far right. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer chap.

Of course it was around 1982 that the Foreign Office started to resemble a branch of Gabbitas and Thring - not that that esteemed educational agency hadn’t been in great demand anyway. The two previous years had seen a slow trickle of people who considered that it was perhaps worth giving their sons, or at least one of their sons, a British education. Obviously, they weren’t looking to place their children in Leon Trotsky Comprehensive in Brent - well, most of them weren’t; some rulers didn’t have tuppence to rub together and others were congenitally mean. However, in 1982 over 1,000 trans-Children ended up being placed in the British educational system. Of course, they all needed visas, letters, references and recommendations. It ended up being a three-ring circus between ourselves, the Home Office and the Department of Education; the latter were quite bolshie about it - independent schools aren’t really their bag. Of course, all this had been done before and in much larger numbers, but much of it was dealt with by the embassies’ visa sections when an embassy meant around 10-20 staff, not 2 or 3. There were also a lot of personal letters and visits to myself to try and secure places at the better schools; I didn’t really have much ability in this matter, but one does have to try for one’s friends.

Indeed it wasn’t just our department; there were an increasing number of children from the Kingdom of Ireland, and there were scholarships started for both the Commonwealth and British North America. There weren’t as many from Ireland as we had thought, mainly because the KoI was firmly in the Sterling zone and all but the most well-off found UK schools too expensive; this actually helped Irish education considerably, and we are now in the position in our day and age where impecunious parents consider some of the better KoI schools.

There were also special scholarship schemes organised by other communities. The Board of Deputies of British Jews organised some free places and some subsidised places at their schools - mainly initially going to Jews from the United Provinces. Portugal unusually paid for some prep places and reserved a handful of them for Brazilian students, and various Catholic charities arranged for the use of both independent schools and some of their spare state capacity for orphans and children from the Caribbean - both Trinidad and Montserrat were majority nominally Catholic.

There was also the question of further and higher education; only a very few people went into further education in 1982 - that scheme only really started gathering momentum the next year - but there was a steady and growing trickle of people wanting to try a University or Polytechnic. After some initial experiences in the previous two years, it was generally determined that all but the absolute best candidates would need to be graduates - the Rhodes people came through and altered their scheme to meet the times.

However, with the educational rush dealt with for another year, the next thing to raise its head was the General Election. The election itself wasn’t a surprise; the House of Lords had been increasingly restive about dealing with bills that were outwith the manifesto now that immediate emergency had passed. Even a few of our own party, both of right and left, had taken to making rather too much noise in the tea room. The PM understood that we needed an election but was was not too keen on calling one - always something she dreaded doing - whilst Conservative Central Office was increasingly anxious to call one before the Labour party regained its sanity and before the years of really poor weather set in.

The PM was somewhat distracted at the time; her son and heir had absented himself to British South East Africa to make his fortune, so our early performance was rather weak. I think if we had known that Mark was missing, the decision would have been to delay the election further. For a while, no one tried to get in the way; we all know that Mrs Thatcher was the face of the party, but as it became more and more apparent that she was somewhat withdrawn, Willie and Michael stepped into the breach. Neither was perfect, and the Thatcher camp objected to Michael taking such a prominent role, leading to somewhat of a row amongst the campaign committee.

I spent most of my time reassuring various diplomats that the Conservatives would be returned and that business would carry on as usual. There were even one or two princes of the empire who wanted to donate, but after consulting with the party Treasurer they were politely thanked. Not that everyone was for the Conservatives; I know of one prince of the empire who had used the Sophia Naturalisation Act who admitted that he voted for Shirley Williams
[54]
.

Of course, it wasn't all about the election. I helped as much as I could, especially in Chelmsford, but it looked like the Mole had burrowed himself in; however, foreign affairs do not stop for elections - especially as the rest of the world regarded them as somewhat dubious affairs at best. The level of bemusement at our democracy was fairly general, only the Poles and the Swedes were really sympathetic.

On his return, I had a fascinating debriefing session with Prince Michael of Kent in which he explained that the Russian court was a web of intrigue and fear - mainly for the ongoing struggle between the descendants of Ivan V and of Peter the Great. Currently, the Ivanids had the upper hand, but the web of intrigue meant that the boyars were really in charge. He described the boyars as unpleasant, uneducated and unwashed, with no interest in the world except the immediate borders of Russia.

Those borders had, of course, been the subject of some discussion. Obviously some cis-Russians had managed to make it back to St Petersburg and had taken some knowledge with them; however, there was no sign of any at court. At one point Prince Biron of Courland had alluded to them - and not in a past tense. Kent did explain the unhealthy Russian tendency to shut such people away - just look at the putative Ivan VI. They had produced a map - they were willing to give away their claim to Alaska, British Columbia and Oregon for our recognition of a mangled combination of Stalin and the Tsar's finest hours. He had said that he would consult with us, but he didn't hold out much hope.

He had come back with three positive things. Firstly, that there were certainly some elements in the Petrovid camp who were more than interested in being more friendly with us - although they feared for the life of Elizaveta Petrovna. Secondly, that they were willing to deal more with the Embassy as long as a new Ambassador of suitable rank was found. They had suggested Kent, but his wife had vetoed that one very quickly; I found myself thinking of dear old Lord Mountbatten, but I could see a new Irish peerage in someone's future. Thirdly was that they would consider trade, but would prefer this done through Courland - an interesting choice, obviously nothing to do with the Tsarina's special friend.