Disinformation Book of Lists (38 page)

 

1

Manure

Everyday, out of the hind ends of billions of living creatures, plops enough material to light up the world. Just heat shit in an extremely hot oven (a gasifier), and it gives off methane, which can be ignited to create steam for power. A slower method involves dumping the crap into an oxygenless tank, where anaerobic bacteria make the methane. The only byproduct is an environmentally-friendly ash that can be used as fertilizer.

Earth Resources, Inc. has set up a prototype chickenshit plant in Georgia that can power 25 homes with 6,000 pounds of dung a day. Several state governments—and those of Britain and Greece—have expressed interest in the operation. John C. McKissick of the University of Georgia says: “If we do it right, we're already the Saudi Arabia of the US with the potential chicken litter as an energy source.”

A fully functional cow-flop facility was opened in Wisconsin in June 2001. The state's power companies buy the electricity generated, which is enough to juice up 250 homes. Similar efforts are underway across the globe, from Alberta to the Ukraine.

2

Sugar

In the “sugar platform” process, biomass—which includes anything from dung to trees, peanut shells to fats and grease—is broken down via enzymes. The resulting glucose is converted to fuels and chemicals, while the residue is used for heat and power. The US Department of Energy expects to see this process in use between 2006 and 2010.

3

Volcanoes

Geothermal energy is created by capturing and converting the natural heat of the earth. Presently, this type of energy almost always comes from reservoirs of hot water, but some successful attempts have harnessed the energy of volcanoes. In 1985 the US Geological Survey wrote: “The internal heat associated with young volcanic systems has been harnessed to produce geothermal energy. For example, the electrical energy generated from The Geysers geothermal field in northern California can meet the present power consumption of the city of San Francisco.” Hawai'i has also been using volcano power.

 

1

Around the world

Vera Anderson always wanted to travel, but her emphysema and heart problems meant that she never made it out of the Midwest. When she died at 78 in early 2001, her son Ross arranged her final wish—a worldwide trip. Using half of her ashes, he sent a small packet to the postmasters at the capitol of each US state and each of the world's 191 countries, asking that they make sure the ashes were put in a proper place, perhaps with a ritual. The BBC reports:

Vera's ashes have entered the stream in front of the Royal Castle in Stockholm, Sweden. They have toured Thailand, been to Malta, and dusted the snows of both the Earth's poles…. The Aymara Indians held a burial ceremony for them at Lake Titicaca in the Andes. And a nun at a South American orphanage now considers Vera Anderson her guardian angel. The ashes were sprinkled along the Choo Praya River in Thailand, on the Alabama state capitol grounds in Montgomery and within sight of Kiev, the capital of Ukraine.

2

Reef

If you'd like your body to become an octopus' garden, have Eternal Reefs handle the cremains. They'll mix the ashes in with a super-strong, environmentally-friendly concrete, casting it as an artificial reef. The reef—with or without a plaque—is put into the ocean, where it quickly gets covered in sea life and, if it's large enough, may become home to various fish or turtles. The cheapest option is $995, with prices up to $4,995.

3

Space

If your postmortem travel plans go beyond earth, you can get part of your ashes launched into space. Celestis will send one gram or seven grams of cremains into orbit around the Earth. (Approximately 100 people—including Gene Roddenberry and Timothy Leary—have put a pinch of their ashes on the space express.) Of course, the satellites containing the ashes will eventually reenter Earth's atmosphere, burning to nothingness, but it'll be fun while it lasts. For serious bucks, you can have one gram of ashes sent to the Moon's surface or launched into deep space.

4

Diamonds

One way to shine after your death is to become a diamond. LifeGem takes the carbon from cremated remains and turns them into an actual, certified, virtually flawless diamond with a yellow hue. Most people can be transformed into more than 50 one-carat stones. Not too many people will be turned into that much ice, though, since a 0.99-carat human-diamond costs $13,999 (for more than one, the cost is knocked down to $13,199 each).

5

Painting

The artists at Eternally Yours Everlasting Memorial Art will paint a canvas, sprinkle two to six tablespoons of cremains on it, then apply sealant. For abstract paintings, the colors will match the deceased's personality, or you can supply a photo to be turned into a painting.

6

Frisbee

Frisbee pioneer Ed Headrick asked that his ashes be molded into flying discs given to family and friends at his funeral.

7

Wild urns

All right, you want to be cremated, but you don't want your ashes shot into space, scattered all over the world, or tossed around in a park. Just because you're going to have them placed in an urn doesn't mean you have to be boring. Kelco Supply makes some wild receptacles that attain the level of sculpture: a twin set of urns that looks like stylized swans nuzzling each other, an eagle soaring across mountain cliffs, a man and woman cuddling on a bench, a book, a mantle clock, a pyramid, a golf bag, a duck decoy, cowboy boots, a teddy bear, a black lacquer egg with a Japanese landscape painted in gold leaf, a gray pseudo-granite box with a pink triangle…the choices are many. Materials used for these groovy containers include zebrawood, ebony, alabaster, onyx, ceramics, handblown glass, and polished pewter.

8

Ecopods

Let's say you don't feel like getting cremated. What is there in the way of alternative, ecofriendly coffins? AKRA's Ecopod is a streamlined casket based on the shape of a seed pod and constructed entirely of recycled paper that's been hardened using natural processes. These beauties come in green, red, blue, ivory, and goldleaf, and all but the latter can be silkscreened with doves, a Celtic cross, or an Aztec Sun. If you like the idea but still want to be cremated, the company's Acorn Urn—which looks just the way it sounds—is a snazzy holder for ashes also made out of hardened, recycled paper.

9

Other unorthodox bone boxes

People have been laid to rest in coffins made out of cardboard, willow, and wicker (demand for the latter tripled in the UK after 1960s pop idol Adam Faith was buried in one in 2003).

10

Natural burials

Why use a coffin at all? Britain is home to a growing movement in which the corpse is simply wrapped in a shroud and buried in a wooded area, in order to decay naturally. The UK is home to around 180 areas designated as woodland or green burial grounds, where people can also be buried
au naturel
or in coffins made of biodegradable materials.

11

Mummification

Started by a Mormon who has since been excommunicated, the religious organization Summum will mummify your body and encase it in a custom-made sarcophagus of bronze or stainless steel. The process—which takes at least three months—supposedly combines the best of the old and new to create a modern form of mummification that preserves the entire body—skin, organs, DNA, and all. Summum's founder, Corky Ra, guarantees that your body will never decompose, that you eternally will look like you did on your dying day.

As of July 2003, 1,400 people had reportedly signed up for the pharaoh treatment, although none has yet died, which means that the process hasn't been tried on a human. It has been done to animals, specifically “more than 200 dogs, cats, parrots, cockatiels, a pet rat and a finch,” according to the
LA Times.
The going rate for a human mummification is $67,000, plus tens of thousands to over a hundred grand for the burial casket. Animal rates start at $4,000 for a small pet, plus $2,000 to $100,000+ for the Mummiform sarcophagus.

12

Sweet rides

No matter what you decide to do with your earthly remains, if you're going to be the guest of honor at a funeral, you want to arrive in style. Instead of a humdrum hearse, try something different: a motorcycle with a hearse sidecar or a horse-drawn carriage. If you're lucky enough to croak in Australia, have the Classic and Vintage Funeral Coaches company fix you up with hearses made from a 1927 Buick, 1935 Dodge, 1946 Mercury, 1973 Cadillac de Ville, or other classic autos.

 

I admit to a fascination with suicide notes. Obviously, they're a goldmine for trying to get insight into why people take their own lives and, thus, how we might be able to prevent it. In a completely different vein, writing a note is one of the last acts of a person about to willingly go into the great beyond, and it is a
creative
act—a final burst of thought, self-expression, communication before leaving this vale of tears forever. In some senses, these notes form an unrecognized genre of literature. Below are quotes taken from actual suicide notes.

1

Female, 21-years-old.
“I don't want you to think I would kill myself over you because you're not worth any emotion at all. It is what you cost me that hurts and nothing can replace it.”

2

Male, 51.
“Though I am about to kick the bucket I am as happy as ever. I am tired of this life so am going over to see the other side.”

3

Male, 48.
“Imagine God playing a dirty trick on me like another life!!! I've lived 47 years—there aren't 47 days I would live over again if I could avoid it….

“Will you see Valerie through college—she is the only one about whom I am concerned as this .38 whispers in my ear.”

4

Male, 45.
“My darling, May her guts rot in hell—I loved her so much.” (This is the entire note.)

5

Male, 74.
“I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life.”

6

Female, 52.
“I'm so tired and lonely. There goes a siren. Oh how can I stand being left. I need to go to a Dr. but I am afraid. I'm so cold.”?

7

Female, 31.
“My boss, Kenneth J., seduced me and made me pregnant. He refuses to help me. I had not had intercourse in two years. He says that I will have to suffer through it by myself.”

8

Male.
“I love you you stupid head.”

9

Male.
“God I don't know why in the hell it has taken me all these years to be able to tell you I love you. You needed this all this time. My heart is puring out for you now. I can only hope its not to late.”

Female.
“The negatives of all the pictures I took in Germany and Holland (for 10 years) are in the large metal box on the shelf; the prints themselves are in one of the soft sided bags on the shelf in the closet.”

11

Male.
“Bury or Burn me as cheap as possible I don't care where.”

12

Male.
“Buy a Steak, Dope, Booze and go out with a BANG! (And see a couple of ladies first!!!)

“Discussion closed!————”

13

Female.
“Don't let the kids in the bedroom I'm dead.”

14

Male.
“If your interested you are welcome to what ever you want in the garage.”

15

Male.
“The grass is greener on the other side.”

16

Female.
“I don't want those assholes Jane & Joe to get my car.”

17

Male.
“I am tired of failing. If I can do this I will succeed.”

18

Male.
“What a rotten sham to pull. It's too bad I don't have enough personality to be ashamed of myself.”

19

Female.
“The Art of Listening Be Patient—listen to the whole question Don't start thing @ your response Listen to Nature/God Listen”