Disinformation Book of Lists (29 page)

1

A loving, merciful God?

The L
ORD
is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works. [Psalms 145:9]

…God is love. [1 John 4:8]

But:

[God says:] I will not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them. [Jeremiah 13:14]

[God says:] If that nation, against whom I have pronounced, turn from their evil, I will repent of the evil that I thought to do unto them. [Jeremiah 18:8]

[Jesus says:] And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. [Matthew 10:28]

Howl ye; for the day of the L
ORD
is at hand; it shall come as a destruction from the Almighty…. Behold, the day of the L
ORD
-cometh, cruel both with wrath and fierce anger, to lay the land desolate: and he shall destroy the sinners thereof out of it…. Therefore I will shake the heavens, and the earth shall remove out of her place, in the wrath of the L
ORD
of hosts, and in the day of his fierce anger. [Isaiah 13:6,9,13]

But God will smash the heads of his enemies, crushing the skulls of those who love their guilty ways. The L
ORD
says, “I will bring my enemies down from Bashan; I will bring them up from the depths of the sea. You, my people, will wash your feet in their blood, and even your dogs will get their share!” [Psalms 68:21-23, New Living Translation]

2

A peaceful God?

Now the God of peace be with you all. Amen. [Romans 15:33]

But:

The L
ORD
is a man of war: the L
ORD
is his name. [Exodus 15:3]

3

Do children pay the price?

[God says:] The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, nor the children be put to death for the fathers; but every man shall be put to death for his own sin. [2 Kings 14:6]

[God says:] The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son: the righteousness of the righteous shall be upon him, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon him. [Ezekiel 18:20]

But:

I the L
ORD
thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; [Exodus 20:5]

4

To swear oaths or not to swear oaths?

Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. [James 5:12, New International]

But:

When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. [Hebrews 6:13-16, New International]

5

Father and Son, or Father Is Son?

[Jesus said:] I and my Father are one. [John 10:30]

But:

[Jesus said:] If ye loved me, ye would rejoice, because I said, I go unto the Father: for my Father is greater than I. [John 14:28]

6

Sevens or twos?

Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. [Genesis 7:2]

But:

Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth, There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah. [Genesis 7:8-9]

7

The two deaths of Judas Iscariot

And he [Judas] cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself. [Matthew 27:5]

But:

Now this man [Judas] purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out. [Acts 1:18]

8

The last words (or not) of Jesus

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, eli, lama sabach-thani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?…Jesus, when he cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. [Matthew 27:46,50]

But:

And when Jesus had cried with a loud voice, he said, Father, unto thy hands I commend my spirit: and having said thus, he gave up the ghost. [Luke 23:46]

But:

When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost. [John 19:30]

9

Joseph had two dads?

And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ. [Matthew 1:16]

But:

And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli, [Luke 3:23]

10

No kids or five?

Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death. [2 Samuel 6:23]

But:

But the king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul, whom she brought up for Adriel the son of Barzillai the Meholathite: [2 Samuel 21:8]

11

Hearing voices, maybe

And the men which journeyed with him [Saul] stood speechless, hearing a voice, but seeing no man. [Acts 9:7]

But:

[Saul says:] And they that were with me saw indeed the light, and were afraid; but they heard not the voice of him that spake to me. [Acts 22:9]

12

Omniscient or blind?

“Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?” declares the L
ORD
. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the L
ORD
. [Jeremiah 23:24, New International]

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. [Hebrews 4:13, New International]

But:

Then the L
ORD
said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” [Genesis 4:9, New International]

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the L
ORD
God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the L
ORD
God among the trees of the garden. But the L
ORD
God called to the man, “Where are you?” [Genesis 3:8-9, New International]

13

Should you honor or hate your parents?

Honour thy father and thy mother: [Exodus 20:12]

For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. [Matthew 15:4]

But:

[Jesus says:] If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. [Luke 14:26]

14

Eye for eye, cheek for cheek

Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again. [Leveticus 24:20]

But:

[Jesus said:] But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also…. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; [Matthew 5:38,44]

15

The four deaths of Saul

Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. [1 Samuel 31:4]

But:

And he [Saul] said unto me, Who art thou? And I answered him, I am an Amalekite. He said unto me again, Stand, I pray thee, upon me, and slay me: for anguish is come upon me, because my life is yet whole in me. So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: [2 Samuel 1:8-10]

But:

And David went and took the bones of Saul and the bones of Jonathan his son from the men of Jabeshgilead, which had stolen them from the street of Bethshan, where the Philistines had hanged them, when the Philistines had slain Saul in Gilboa: [2 Samuel 21:12]

But:

So Saul died for his transgression which he committed against the L
ORD
, even against the word of the L
ORD
, which he kept not, and also for asking counsel of one that had a familiar spirit, to enquire of it; And enquired not of the L
ORD
: therefore he slew him, and turned the kingdom unto David the son of Jesse. [1 Chronicles 10:13-14]

16

Forever isn't what it used to be

Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. [Ecclesiastes 1:4]

But:

[Jesus says:] Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away. [Matthew 24:35]

17

Thad or Jude?

Matthew [10:2] and Mark [3:16-19] list the Twelve Apostles as including Thaddaeus (Labbaeus), but Luke [6:13-16] doesn't include Thaddeus. Instead, the twelfth Apostle is Judas the son of James (different than Judas Iscariot).

18

Jesus judges?

[Jesus says:] You judge by human standards; I pass judgment on no one. [John 8:15, New International]

But:

Moreover, the Father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgment to the Son, [John 5:22, New International]

19

God judges?

Moreover, the Father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgment to the Son, [John 5:22, New International]

But:

Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. [1 Peter 1:17, New International]

Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. [Romans 2:2, New International]

20

Jesus in Hell?

[Jesus says:] Whosoever shall say Thou fool, shall be in danger of hellfire. [Matthew 5:22]

But:

[Jesus says:] Ye fools and blind. [Matthew 23:17]

21

Omnipotent or impotent?

But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. [Matthew 19:26]

But:

And the L
ORD
was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. [Judges 1:19]

Note: All passages are from the King James version, unless otherwise noted.

Back in the days before groups of men decided what books would comprise the Bible, scads of Jewish and Christian writings were floating around. Here are some that the bishops and rulers didn't include in the Good Book.

1

The First Book of Adam and Eve

After being cast out of the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve trudge up a mountain that looks down on their paradise lost:

Then Adam threw himself down from the top of that mountain; his face was torn and his flesh was ripped; he lost a lot of blood and was close to death. Meanwhile Eve remained standing on the mountain crying over him, thus lying. And she said, “I don't wish to live after him; for all that he did to himself was through me.” Then she threw herself after him; and was torn and ripped by stones; and remained lying as dead. But the merciful God, who looks over His creatures, looked at Adam and Eve as they lay dead, and He sent His Word to them, and raised them. [21:4-8]

2

The Book of the Secrets of Enoch

In this distinctly odd book, angels take Enoch to Heaven, where God shoots the breeze with him, explaining the Creation, Adam and Eve's fall, Satan, etc. Upon reaching the top level of Heaven, Enoch meets the Big G:

On the tenth heaven, [which is called] Aravoth, I saw the appearance of the L
ORD
'S face, like iron made to glow in fire, and brought out, emitting sparks, and it burns. Thus I saw the L
ORD
'S face, but the L
ORD
'S face is ineffable, marvellous and very awful, and very, very terrible. And who am I to tell of the L
ORD
'S unspeakable being, and of his very wonderful face? And I cannot tell the quantity of his many instructions, and various voices, the L
ORD
'S throne very great and not made with hands, nor the quantity of those standing round him, troops of cherubim and seraphim, nor their incessant singing, nor his immutable beauty, and who shall tell of the ineffable greatness of his glory? [22:1-3]

The Almighty explains, more or less, what the scene was like before he pulled off the Creation:

For before all thing were visible, I alone used to go about in the invisible things, like the sun from east to west, and from west to east. But even the sun has peace in itself, while I found no peace, because I was creating all things, and I conceived the thought of placing foundations, and of creating visible creation. [24:4-5]

God gives the lowdown on making Adam:

“On the sixth day I commanded my wisdom to create man from seven consistencies: one, his flesh from the earth; two, his blood from the dew; three, his eyes from the sun; four, his bones from stone; five, his intelligence from the swiftness of the angels and from cloud; six, his veins and his hair from the grass of the earth; seven, his soul from my breath and from the wind. And I gave him seven natures: to the flesh hearing, the eyes for sight, to the soul smell, the veins for touch, the blood for taste, the bones for endurance, to the intelligence sweetness [enjoyment].” [30:10-11]

3

The First Book of Enoch

And it came to pass when the children of men had multiplied that in those days were born unto them beautiful and comely daughters. And the angels, the children of the heaven, saw and lusted after them, and said to one another: “Come, let us choose us wives from among the children of men and beget us children.”…

And all the others together with them took unto themselves wives, and each chose for himself one, and they began to go in unto them and to defile themselves with them, and they taught them charms and enchantments, and the cutting of roots, and made them acquainted with plants. And they became pregnant, and they bare great giants, whose height was three thousand ells: Who consumed all the acquisitions of men. And when men could no longer sustain them, the giants turned against them and devoured mankind. And they began to sin against birds, and beasts, and reptiles, and fish, and to devour one another's flesh, and drink the blood. [6:1-3, 7:1-6]

4

The Gospel of the Birth of Mary

This book fills the void about the life of the Virgin Mary. Angels appear to her parents, telling them they will conceive a miracle child who will eventually give birth to the Son of God. When little Mother Mary is three, her parents take her to a temple, where she performs what we are supposed to consider a miracle, even though crawling up some steps doesn't seem so hot compared to healing the sick and raising the dead:

And there were about the temple, according to the fifteen Psalms of degrees, fifteen stairs to ascend. For the temple being built in a mountain, the altar of burnt offering, which was without, could not be come near but by stairs; The parents of the blessed Virgin and infant Mary put her upon one of these stairs; But while they were putting off their clothes, in which they had travelled, and according to custom putting on some that were more neat and clean, In the mean time the Virgin of the L
ORD
in such a manner went up all the stairs one after another, without the help of any to lead or lift her, that any one would have judged from hence that she was of perfect age. Thus the L
ORD
did, in the infancy of his Virgin, work this extraordinary work, and evidence by this miracle how great she was like to be hereafter. [4:2-7]

In
chapter 7
, Mary asks the angel Gabriel how the hell she's going to conceive while remaining a virgin. He replies: “For the Holy Ghost shall come upon you, and the power of the Most High shall overshadow you, without any of the heats of lust.” [7:19]

5

Gospel of Thomas

In this book, Thomas the Israelite writes about the early life of Jesus.

And after certain days, as Jesus passed through the midst of the city, a certain child cast a stone at him and smote his shoulder. And Jesus said unto him: Thou shalt not finish thy course. And straightway he also fell down and died. And they that were there were amazed, saying: From whence is this child, that every word which he speaketh becometh a perfect work? But they also departed and accused Joseph, saying: Thou wilt not be able to dwell with us in this city: but if thou wilt, teach thy child to bless and not to curse: for verily he slayeth our children: and every thing that he saith becometh a perfect work. [4:1-2, Greek text B]

6

The Gospel of Mary

Supposedly written by Mary Magdalene, this book exists only in fragments.

Peter said to him, “Since you have now explained all things to us, tell us this: what is the sin of the world?” The Savior said, “Sin as such does not exist, but you make sin when you do what is of the nature of fornication, which is called ‘sin.' For this reason the Good came into your midst, to the essence of each nature, to restore it to its root.”

7

The First Gospel of the Infancy of Jesus Christ

Early verses from this Gnostic Gospel remind me of
Look Who's Talking
or the many commercials featuring talking babies:

He relates, that Jesus spake even when he was in the cradle, and said to his mother: Mary, I am Jesus the Son of God, that word which thou didst bring forth according to the declaration of the angel Gabriel to thee, and my father hath sent me for the salvation of the world. [1:2-3]

Soon we learn the fate of Jesus' foreskin:

And when the time of his circumcision was come, namely, the eighth day, on which the law commanded the child to be circumcised, they circumcised him in the cave. And the old Hebrew woman took the foreskin (others say she took the navel-string), and preserved it in an alabaster-box of old oil of spikenard. And she had a son who was a druggist, to whom she said, Take heed thou sell not this alabaster box of spikenard-ointment, although thou shouldst be, offered three hundred pence for it. Now this is that alabaster box which Mary the sinner procured, and poured forth the ointment out of it upon the head and the feet of our L
ORD
Jesus Christ, and wiped it off with the hairs of her head. [2:1-4]

Later, baby Jesus is put on the back of a man whom a witch had turned into a mule, and he is cured, changing back into human form. The tiny savior then casts Satan out of a little boy named Judas Iscariot, who definitely would
not
return the favor about 30 years later. This Gospel says that Joseph was a pretty lousy carpenter, so Jesus would miraculously adjust the size and shape of “gates, or milk-pails, or sieves, or boxes” that his stepdad made.

8

Questions of Saint Bartholomew

And Bartholomew said: L
ORD
, when thou wentest to be hanged upon the cross, I followed thee afar off and saw thee hung upon the cross, and the angels coming down from heaven and worshipping thee. And when there came darkness, I beheld, and I saw thee that thou wast vanished away from the cross and I heard only a voice in the parts under the earth, and great wailing and gnashing of teeth on a sudden. Tell me, L
ORD
, whither wentest thou from the cross?

And Jesus answered and said: Blessed art thou, Bartholomew, my beloved, because thou sawest this mystery, and now will I tell thee all things whatsoever thou askest me. For when I vanished away from the cross, then went I down into Hades that I might bring up Adam and all them that were with him, according to the supplication of Michael the archangel. [1:6-9]