Dirty Rush (36 page)

Jack 4:33PM
When can you meet me?

Finally.

Taylor 4:33PM
Hi. Is everything okay? Did you get my text?

Jack 4:34PM
Sorry. Can we meet up?

Taylor 4:34PM
Whenever you want. Im not going to classes so you tell me

Jack 4:34PM
K. Ill pick you up at your dorm in an hour and we can get some food.

Jack would hear me out. He would believe me. He had to. It was the first feeling of hope I'd experienced in days, but it vanished the second I stepped into his car. Jack was cold and quiet, and he could barely look at me. The drive was almost entirely silent.

We drove to this pizza place on the outskirts of town. I couldn't help but feel he'd chosen it because we were less likely to be spotted there by someone we knew.

“I don't
know what to think, Tay. I get that it could be someone else,” Jack said to me as we sat down at a table in the back, “but the fact that so many people think it's you is not a good sign.”

“What does that mean? That kinda pisses me off,” I said, trying to maintain composure.

“I'm just saying, at some point, it's like the truth isn't as powerful as what everyone believes.”

I could've puked . . . because he was kind of right. I just sat there looking across the table at him. Silently. I felt like I was looking at someone I'd never met and I'm sure he felt the same way.

“Okay,” I finally said breaking the awkward lull, “you should be here for me right now. I have the fucking local news calling my parents about a sex scandal that I had absolutely nothing to do with and you're telling me that you ‘don't know what to think'? What the hell is that?”

“Don't be mad at me, Tay. I didn't make any of this happen.”

“You're right, you didn't. But as my boyfriend I'd like to think that you want to help make it unhappen and ‘not knowing what to think' is not a good starting place.”

“I do want to help.”

“Then why are you doubting me?”

“I don't doubt you.”

“Then what? You're just a pussy? You can't trust me?”

I couldn't believe I called him a pussy, but I wasn't about to take it back.

“Whoa,
dude. Calm down. I do trust you,” he said, holding both hands up defensively. “I'm just saying that at this point, I want to support you but I don't know how.”

I took a long sip of my water, civilly placed it back in front of me on the table, and stood up, grabbing my bag from the back of the chair.

“Hey, Jack—”

“What are you doing?” Now he seemed concerned.

“You fucking suck right now.”

“Come on, babe.”

“They were wrong about you. You actually are a frombie.”

I left before he could say anything else, texted Jonah, and had him pick me up at a gas station near the restaurant.

T
he scandal refused to die down the entire week. I was now fully recognized as the “BZ blow job girl.” I had to delete every social network from my phone because the notifications never ended. The final blow in my cursed week came when I was called to the BZ house to have a “sit-down” with the one girl I wanted to see least, Colette.

I got her text asking me to come to the house as soon as I could because she thought “we should connect.” I was sure she must've been freaking out about how bad this whole thing looked for Beta Zeta, but I wondered if she was also partly happy that I was the one being burned at the stake.

When I got to the house, she was sitting at the counter in the kitchen in front of a salad, decisively moving lettuce around with her fork, deep in thought.

I
pulled up the stool next to hers. “Yummy salad?” I asked.

“It's actually inedible. Produce this time of year is a joke.”

“It seems like everything this time of year is a joke.”

She put her fork down next to the bowl of salad and turned toward me. “I don't want to make this any more uncomfortable than it already is, so I'm going to say what I need to say quick.”

“Um, okay.”

“This whole thing has become very trashy and very, very messy.”

“Yeah, I've noticed—”

“Okay, just let me talk so we can be done sooner.”

I wanted to demand answers from her, but I knew better than to do that. Colette was an aggressive animal; if I gave any hint of aggression, she would pounce back. As strong as my distaste for her had become over the past month, she still intimidated me. I hated that. I still didn't know what to say, so I just sat there, obliging.

“We've spent hours and hours examining the video footage and weighing the options.”

“I'm sorry, but who is ‘we'? ” I couldn't help but interrupt.

“Me and the other girls in this chapter whose opinions matter.”

Not a suitable answer, but I knew more questioning wouldn't get me anywhere.

“Basically, Taylor, and I'm truly sorry to say this, but the only freshman we believe it could possibly be is you. And obviously, we're not the only ones who think so. It looks exactly like you and you totally have this weird feminist agenda that you brought with you from day one. What we keep coming back to is this idea that not only is it you in the video, but we feel
that you may have created this entire thing as a way to bring the chapter down, as a way to hurt us, and as a way to exercise your ‘rights as a woman' or a ‘sexualized individual,' or whatever you people talk about in feminist lit classes. This is exactly the type of stunt you would pull, and the more I get to know you, the more I agree with them. So, here's what's going to happen now.”

My heart sank.

There was a piece of paper facedown on the counter next to Colette. She flipped it over, folded it in half, and handed it to me.

“This is a letter of resignation that we've gone ahead and written out for you so you don't have to go to the trouble to do it yourself.”

I held the paper in my hand and felt the blood rush from my head to my feet. Colette just looked at me, almost smiling.

“So whenever you're ready, preferably by tomorrow, we'd like you to come back to the house and make your proper resignation announcement to the rest of the girls. They'll want to know what's going on and I think they deserve to. I'm sure you agree.”

“I'm . . . um . . . okay,” I muttered under my breath.

She'd done it—she'd steamrolled me the same way she had Kelly. This was all working out exactly as Colette wanted it to. Something wasn't making sense; she knew more than she was saying.

“You can go now. I need to get to Pilates.”

I started to push the stool back and stand up. I just wanted to leave. I was close to the edge when I got to the house but this had thrown me over it and I was completely spiraling downward toward the sharp rocks below.

“And,
Tay, know that I wanted to support you in this, but the house made this decision together. Also, the board of the children's hospital has been on our ass about resolving this issue. We needed to take action as soon as possible. The scandal is not good for our relationship with them. I didn't want this to get out, but they've threatened to cut ties with our chapter and cancel the gala. We need that partnership. You understand that, don't you?”

I stared at her, then at the salad. I could hear the words coming out of Colette's mouth, and I knew what I wanted to say, but in that moment, I didn't have the power to say much of anything. I was totally out of my body, watching myself from a distance.

“Okay, Colette. You know what's best for Beta Zeta.”

“Taking responsibility for your actions is the true sign of a BZ. Thanks for understanding.”

“I'll . . . I'll see you later,” I said as I walked toward the front door.

I stood on the front steps of the house for a few seconds trying to catch my breath. I thought about Jonah and how right he was in telling me not to join this sorority in the first place. I'd thrown myself into this fire.

I stuffed the resignation letter into my bag without looking at it and just started running as fast as I could. I just ran and ran and when I finally looked up I was standing at the River and it was starting to snow. I kept running along the River toward Frat Row, all the while hoping that Jack
would be home. Dinner had been a disaster; I just needed him to hug me right now.

When I arrived at the Omega Sig house, I was freezing. I could see that there were a bunch of guys hanging out watching TV in the living room on the first floor. But the door was locked. It was never locked.

“Hello?!” I yelled as I knocked. I pushed the doorbell frantically but it was broken. “HELLO!! It's Taylor. Is Jack there, please?

“I can see you guys. This really isn't funny. Can you please answer the door? It's fucking freezing out here.”

Nothing.

“Haha. Okay, guys.”

I could see Dave, who'd come with us on the boat trip, coming down the stairs.

“Dave! It's Taylor! Can you open the door?”

He pretended not to see me.

“What the fuck? Hello?”

I sat down on the steps to the house, took out my phone, and called Jack. He picked up right away.

“Hey.” I could tell from the somber tone of his voice that this was not going to be fun.

“Hey, what's up? I'm at your house right now. In front of it, actually,” I replied in my best attempt at sounding normal.

“I know. Listen . . .”

Silence. Then a deep breath.

“Jack,” I started in, “I need to say I'm sorry for how I acted the other night, but whatever you think is going on, you need to hear me out . . .”

“Taylor. Stop. It doesn't matter.”

“What
do you mean it doesn't matter? What doesn't matter?”

“I really like you, Tay. And that's why this whole situation is so fucked. You know?”

“No, Jack. I don't know. Can you please tell me what's going on?”

“My house is just coming under too much heat from this. It's like a lot of negative attention right now. This thing has gone viral, Tay. Everyone is saying it's you in that video.”

“Yes. I know this. But it's not,” I said as tears started streaming down my cheeks.

“It doesn't really matter at this point if it's you or if it isn't. The world thinks that it's you and my brothers just aren't comfortable with us dating at this point.”

“I'm sorry, what? Your
brothers
aren't comfortable? Your fucking
brothers
? You think
I'm
comfortable with this whole thing, Jack?”

“I can't be with you anymore. We need to break up. At least for a while, until this thing cools down. I'm sorry.”

I could tell from the way Jack was talking that he had been coached. Coming here was a mistake. “You know what, Jack? I think your brothers are right. They definitely know what's best for you, you fucking child. Honestly, I'm mostly disappointed in myself for wasting my time with such a fair-weather, piece-of-shit boyfriend. I thought you'd be bigger than this.”

“I told you on our first date how important this house is to me.”

“Oh God, suck a dick.”

I hung up and sobbed into my hands, no longer caring who saw me. It was all too much. After a while I looked up at the snow coming down on the road. I had to go figure how to save the rest of my life. I stood up and walked back down the path toward my dorm. I heard someone from inside the house yell “SLUT!” as I left.

I
took out my phone, fighting more tears, and called Jonah. It rang until I got his voice mail. In a daze I found my way to Briggs Dining Hall and the next thing I knew I was sitting at a corner table, mouth-first in an enormous bowl of frozen yogurt—yogurt that I'd gotten from a machine that was generously donated to the university by Colette's dear father.

I started to cry. Again.

I was a girl, sitting alone in a college dining hall, eating fro-yo with Cap'n Crunch topping and crying hysterically. I was officially a real sorority girl. At least for the next twenty-four hours, until I tendered my resignation.

My phone started to ring. I hoped it was Jonah, but I was
happy to see that it was Kelly. She'd been in New York over the past few days visiting Jessica and interviewing for some jobs. We'd spoken briefly when the video first came out, and I'd told her that I was “fine” and I was “handling it.” But now that things had gotten out of control I needed Kelly more than ever.

“Hi,” I said quietly.

“Are you crying?” she asked, slightly surprised.

“Yes.”

“It's gonna be okay. I mean, it wasn't you,” Kelly said calmly and assuredly. “Start from the beginning and tell me everything that has happened over the past three days. Don't skip one offensive detail. And can I just say, I think this whole thing is disgusting and I'm sorry.”

I walked Kelly through it all. The basement, the Facebook friend requests, the media, the dirty looks, Colette's letter, Jack, and everything else I could remember.

“I'm sorry, Tay. It sounds like a complete nightmare. We'll find a way to get you out of this.”

“I don't think there is a way out of this.”

“Stop. You have to think positively. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“So Colette wasn't present when Meg and Kenadie first showed everyone the video?”

“No. Why?”

“I'm trying to figure out exactly what's going on here. Just let me ask some questions and then we can get this all straightened out.”

“Okay,” I replied. Something about Kelly's confident tone
made me feel so much better. For the first time in days, I felt like someone might be able to help me fix this thing.