Die Once Live Twice (2 page)

When Lillian woke, the sweet smell of fresh rain was in the air. She lay awake listening to the soft beat of the rain on the rich soil outside her bedroom. When she heard waves of rolling thunder in the distance, a slight smile gave new life to her weakened body.
The fields need the rain. What a blessing this storm is to the crop.
She wondered if Katherine was in the house safe and sound or had gone out to help her father with the horses. William, who had grown up on a farm himself, had always made sure that Katherine learned the value of honest labor. In truth, she enjoyed working with her father. Lillian felt badly that Katherine had to spend so much time nursing her.
The cancer is slowly eating me up. Why can it not take one big gulp and be done with it?

She had never had to live with fear. It had begun that day in Doctor Agnew’s office, with his demeanor. Her fear was confirmed when he brought William in. The doctor sat facing them, he behind his desk and they sitting in chairs across from him, awaiting his diagnosis. “Lillian, there is no easy way to say this. There are painful lumps in the axilla under your arm, and combined with the sore, I can only conclude that you have cancer in your right breast.”

She was speechless. The word bored into her brain. William, not quite sure what the diagnosis meant, asked, “What will be the course of this disease?”

“William, there is no remedy. We do not know what causes this disease and we have no treatment. With a draining tumor, cutting it away is not an option. A deadly infection would instantly set in.” He turned to Lillian. “I am afraid the disease will spread throughout your body, Lillian.”

“There is no cure?” Lillian’s eyes felt heavy with grief already.

“I will give you strong medicine, Lillian. It is all I can do.” Doctor Agnew folded his hands and looked down. Then he raised his head again. “I’m afraid it is inevitable. Perhaps three months.”

The doctor waited. The only sound in the room was Lillian’s muted crying. William sat stunned. He wrapped his arm around Lillian and drew her to him. Doctor Agnew slowly rose and came around the desk to put his hand on William’s shoulder. “Don’t you have a small farm near Lancaster? Take your wife there. Even among the educated, there is great fear this is contagious and sometimes people can be, involuntarily or not, offensive in their reactions.”

Lillian wiped the corners of her eyes. She straightened her hat and settled it on the top of her head. She stood and smoothed her dress. “Doctor Agnew, thank you for your concern. I will take the medicine you recommend. This coming Saturday I will be having a dinner party at our home for our close friends. Please come. Next week we will move to the farm. I will send Pollard to you if I need more medicine.”

They shook hands with Doctor Agnew, and Lillian, as she had all her life, squared her shoulders and strode out of the office, her head high. She would face whatever came next. She just didn’t know what it was, and that was the wellspring of her fear.

She forced herself to listen to the patter of the raindrops on their roof. Closing her eyes tightly, she concentrated on the sound of each drop as if they were creating a melody. Her frail body began to relax and the twinge in her chest subsided. Doctor Agnew had warned her that as the time got closer her body would become fragile. Lillian was astonished at the idea. She had never let fatigue or hunger or sickness keep her from her duties. Now her body had become as the doctor predicted: an insidious enemy of her mind and her will.

The rain started to come down harder and Lillian began to worry. Where could they be? Just then she heard the clank of the stove door swing open and she relaxed once again. The storm had darkened the day and now she saw rays of light in the hallway as someone lit the kerosene lamps. Soon she heard Katherine adding logs to the fireplaces in the dining room and den to warm their small country home. She gave a small sigh of relief as she listened to the comforting sounds of life around her.

Quiet footsteps approached Lillian’s door and it gently opened, allowing just room for Katherine’s head. Then Katherine herself eased into the room and gently replaced the quilt over her mother. Lillian smiled. “Thank you, sweetie. I pulled it off earlier when I got warm but just noticed a chill in the room. Did you help your father with the horses in all this muck?”

“I did.” She sat next to her mother and lifted her foot to show the mud on the cuffs of her pantaloons. “I wore a woolen bonnet so my hair did not get much wet.” Her hair was parted in the middle, like all women and girls in their circle, and it was turned up on the sides, held by netting. Her dress hung short of her ankles, as girls were allowed to do. Her sleeves cuffed at the wrist and her dress collar hugged her neck. “The mares got spooked with the first bolts of lightning and galloped off to the back fences again. Papa says we just need to blindfold them for the whole of spring.” Katherine laughed. “I don’t think he would mind it if we really could. They were a handful to get back.”

Lillian grimaced, trying to hide the searing pain that shot through her back as she struggled to raise her head. Katherine’s shoulders sagged at her mother’s grimace and Lillian saw it. She had always gone to great lengths never to let Katherine see her sick. She knew all too well that life was tough and in order to survive you could not cower at adversity. Now she realized that her strength had prevented her family from preparing for what was happening.

Katherine turned towards the kitchen at the sound of her father stomping the wetness from his boots on the door grate. She looked back to her mother. “Papa’s going to want his coffee. I made some tea for you. Are you ready? Do you want to get up for a while?” she asked hopefully.

“You have grown up so fast. I am so proud of you.” Lillian smiled.

“Actually, I’m still a little tired. Let me join you for supper. Have your father wake me before you sit down. I’m eager to try your latest dish.”

Katherine looked at her mother and smiled sheepishly. “Mama, I have a special surprise tonight.”

“Wonderful, Katherine. I can’t wait!”

Katherine beamed. Cooking for her mother gave her a chance to feel she was contributing to her care. Emma patiently supported her, dressing up the meal even when Katherine’s skills fell a little short.

As Katherine slipped from the room, Lillian sank into the down mattress and prepared herself for the pain that was coming throughout her body. She drew in a slow deep breath to try to relax. The air that tried to fill her lungs met with resistance and spasms consumed her. She quickly grabbed the cloth she kept at her bedside and covered her mouth to stifle the sounds and to catch the blood she coughed up.

Panic started to set in as she gasped for air. Shaking, she clutched the cloth tightly over her mouth, as she felt the blood rise from her throat. Her heart pounding and her chest tightening, she rolled onto her side to bring her knees to her chest to reduce the pain. Mind racing, and suddenly seeing the room all too clearly, Lillian instinctively prayed. “My refuge,” she gasped, “my fortress.” She attempted to breathe again, this time finding some relief. Slowly she focused on each word. “My God...” Slower now. “...in whom...” Quieter still. “...I trust.” Finally, the pain eased and her body quieted. She removed the blood-soaked cloth and placed it in the bin she kept hidden under the bed. She would find a way to wash it out in the morning when the house was empty. Exhausted, she closed her eyes to hold in the tears. The room swayed gently as she drifted off.

Chapter Two

W
illiam Lovington shook off the dampness from his afternoon’s work rounding up the horses. He swung his hat up on the hook in the wall and laid his cape over the back of a chair. As he ducked his six-foot three-inch frame through the door from the porch to the kitchen, Katherine said, “Momma wants to have dinner with us tonight.”

He dropped his bony body into a chair by the kitchen table and answered, “Well, that will be wonderful.” William felt Katherine still looking at him as he unbuckled his wet boots. He was exhausted and needed just a few minutes. “She’ll need some more rest first,” he said without looking up.

Katherine leaned against the kitchen sink and wondered why they had not brought more of the household help down from Philadelphia. Besides Emma, there was only their butler Pollard, and he was useless in helping with Lillian. Katherine knew her father couldn’t keep from worrying about her mother, who had always been the one to pick up everyone when they were blue. As she watched her father fiddle with his boots she wished she knew his thoughts. Was he planning what they would do for her mother—after? Would she be able to go back to school? Or—Katherine had not thought of this before—would he marry again? That was too much for her.

Katherine watched her father’s shoulders sag forward after he took a deep breath. She could sense the helplessness in him and it unnerved her to see him so lost. She felt the anger rising in her again and tried to push it back down. “Why don’t you go check on Mother? She wanted you to wake her and I know she needs help getting dressed for dinner.”

William looked up and seemed distracted. It was obvious that dinner was far from the table. “It will take some time to get Momma ready,” Katherine explained.

William stood and Katherine was relieved that her father’s body was so tall and strong. Touching the back of his hand ever so gently to her cheek he kissed her forehead. “Yes, ma’am,” he smiled, then shook his head. “If it’s not one woman bossing me around, it’s another.”

In Lillian’s room, he bowed his head over his clasped fingers. “Please, Lord,” he whispered. “Please not tonight. Don’t take her tonight.”

William pulled over the wooden rocking chair he had made for Lillian when she was pregnant with Katherine. The creaking stirred Lillian. He bent down to kiss her ever so lightly, holding himself close enough to hear her soft breaths. Lillian smiled without opening her eyes.

“Hello there,” she whispered in his ear.

“
Bon soir, ma chere,
” he whispered back. She loved the French he spoke at night when they were alone. French was a language they used only with each other, one of the many small ties that bound them.

“Time for supper?” she asked. “I told Katherine to get me up tonight. I’ve been sleeping too much today and need to get up and going.”

“She is still working on it. It will be beef pie.” He laughed. “It should be another interesting effort.”

“It is always a surprise! She is becoming quite the little cook, wouldn’t you say?”

“She’s becoming quite the little woman,” William said, and they looked at each other for a time. “I am very proud of her.”

Lillian began to roll over and William gently eased the turn and leaned her on pillows to give her support. They both tried to ignore the grimaces of pain on her face as she moved. “That’s getting to be a chore,” she puffed and gave him a lopsided grin. “I think I’ll start sleeping on that rocker to save us both the trouble.”

“No trouble on my part. You’re much lighter now than when I had to do this when you were with child. How are you feeling?”

“Actually a little better now that I’ve had a rest,” she said. “Yes, better,” she repeated as if to convince herself. Lillian could see the strain and worry in her husband’s face. “Why don’t you help me get up?” Lillian started to straighten up and suddenly stopped. Feeling a cough develop, she reached for the cloth on the bedside table. William, knowing the routine, handed it to her, and as she placed it over her mouth he reached for the porcelain water bowl on the dresser. However, the spell lasted only a moment and Lillian felt victorious.

William took a clean wet cloth and placed it around the back of her neck. The coolness of the water acted as a tonic on her warm skin. He could see her dressing gown was soaked and there were small droplets of dried blood on the collar. He tenderly washed her, as she had taught him weeks ago. Clean and refreshed, Lillian felt stronger. How could she doubt her Lord’s favor when she was blessed with a man such as this? As her body began to fail her she had asked that he do what he could to preserve her dignity. She knew of many a wife whose husband wouldn’t come near her if she had much more than a sniffle, let alone bathe her or carry her to the water closet for what was becoming very messy personal business.

“All right,” Lillian said. “Let me see if I can help our cook with a pie crust tonight.” Lillian always dressed for dinner. She was a lady. William lifted the gown over her shoulders and replaced it with a camisole that hung to her mid-thigh. Next, he pulled a dress over her head, which Emma had sewn so it would hang loosely. It was long enough to cover her ankles, but hemmed short so that Lillian could not trip on it. She sat again while he pulled on her stockings and shoes, then stood and took William’s arm. It was fewer than thirty paces to the kitchen, but she counted each step for confidence.

“I’m feeling better tonight, so let’s see if we can have a nice supper,” Lillian announced on her arrival in the kitchen.

Katherine’s apron was covered with flour matted in sticky beef fat, but her joy spread across her face. Then she frowned. “Momma, what do I do with this flour? Emma is out back right now and I don’t know what to do.” Then she burst into tears.

“There, there,” Lillian said in a soothing tone, holding her shoulders. “I know you have been forced to do new things. My sickness has changed your life.”

“I just don’t know how to do this! I just don’t know!”

Lillian looked at her daughter and understood. “None of us know how. Not your father, nor me, and certainly no one expects you to know. You have by no choice of your own become a child of cancer and for that I’m truly sorry.”

Katherine and Lillian embraced as only mother and daughter do in moments of great meaning. “Now, let’s get this meal together,” Lillian said. With surprising strength, Lillian helped Katherine prepare the meal, which they all ate with an unaccustomed sense of calm.

“What a great beef pie,” William said to Katherine. “I’ve never had the like.”