Diary of the Pirate Killer
Read Diary of the Pirate Killer Online
Authors: Jenn Vakey
of
the
Pirate Killer
8/11/08- Dr. Gamboa suggested I start writing. He said it will be good for me. An outlet, he called it. So, here goes...
I guess I’ll start at the beginning. A few years ago, I met my soul mate. Justin was the most amazing man I had ever met. We were actually introduced by his brother, Ben, who works with me in the forensic lab. I knew from the first time that our eyes met that we were made for each other. He must have, too, because we broke the rules and started dating. Then he got sick.
Justin’s been gone for five weeks now. Well, it will be five weeks tomorrow. My insides feel like they’re being twisted in a giant, painful knot. It only grows larger by the day. When I’m at work, all I can do is put on a happy face and pretend that nothing’s wrong. Everyone’s moving on. It’s like nothing happened at all. When they laugh about something, all I want to do is scream.
Even Ben’s starting to get back to normal. I see him sitting at his desk and I expect him to be hurting the way I am. He isn’t. He’s back to joking around with the other guys in the lab and I even caught him singing while he was working yesterday. How can he be like that? Justin was his brother.
Well, I can’t think of anything else to write right now. I think Dr. Gamboa was wrong. I don’t feel any better. I only feel angrie
r
.
8/18/08- I went to go see Dr. Gamboa again today. I tried to tell him this whole diary thing was pointless, but he insists it will work if I just give it time.
I told him I was done, but I just need to get some stuff out right now and I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I found one of Justin’s shirts tucked behind my mattress when I was changing my sheets today. It still smells like him. I ended up sitting in the middle of my bed with it up to my face for hours today. It’s been weeks since I cried that much. My face was so swollen that I had to call into work. I’m glad I did. I don’t think I would have been able to pull myself together.
Part of me wishes I had died with him. At least then I wouldn’t be hurting this bad. I don’t even know how to express it. My whole world has been destroyed, and I’m left walking around in the wreckage. I don’t feel anything but hurt. My whole body aches. It takes all of the strength I have in me to even get up and walk around. This mask I wear for the world just makes it worse.
7:30 PM- Well, my day off didn’t work well for me. Apparently Joy and Daniel got tied up at a scene earlier, so Ben called and asked if I could take the three cases they couldn’t get to. Luckily they were all pretty easy and didn’t take much effort. The vandalism call and convenience store robbery didn’t take long at all, but the home invasion took me a couple hours. They at least gave me a good distraction for a little while. Well, I can’t think of anything else. I think I’m just going to go to bed. I don’t really feel like doing much of anything else right now.
8/19/08- I was just about to drift asleep after an hour of trying when my neighbors decided it would be a nice time to have sex. It normally wouldn’t have bothered me, but I found myself reaching for my phone to tell Justin like I always did. I never thought something so strange would remind me of him. Now all I can do is cry.
I feel like I’m dead inside. I wish I had died with him. I went up to the roof today for a smoke and seriously considered jumping. If I wasn’t so damn afraid of heights, I might have actually done it. It’s something I’ve actually found myself thinking about a lot lately. I was shaving last week and just stared at my razor, thinking how easy it would be to cut my wrists. I was also considering finishing an entire bottle of painkillers a few nights ago.
Well, they seem to be done, so I’m going to try to actually get some sleep.
8/20/08- I’ve done something really stupid. I don’t even know what I was thinking. I just... I was on my way to the mall today, and I saw this guy out walking his dog. My insides twisted when I saw him, and I couldn’t think straight. His walk... It is the same as Justin’s. I thought for a few glorious moments that is was him. I circled the block twice until I finally pulled over. I stopped him as he was walking by the car and asked him if he could help me get something out of the trunk. When he leaned over, I hit him. I didn’t even know what I was doing, but I hit him over the back of the head with my tire iron and knocked him out. He just kind of slumped over into the truck and I stuffed him in. After shutting it, I just sat in the car for several minutes before I could even think about turning it on.
I completely panicked. I knew I couldn’t just let him go. He would file a report, and it could easily come back on me. So I drove him out to the cabin. There wasn’t anywhere else I could think of to take him where I knew we wouldn’t be seen.
Getting him into the cabin was hard. He was still unconscious when we got there, so I had to drag him in. I nearly threw my back out doing it, but I managed to get him in before he came to. Luckily, I had a bag of
zip ties in my trunk, so I was able to restrain him before he could get his bearings.
When he came to, he started screaming. I knew there wasn’t a chance of someone hearing him out there, but I couldn’t take it. I didn’t even know I was doing it until after I was done, but I hit him again. I started at him for a few minutes before deciding I needed to move him again. Even with him bound, I knew it wouldn’t be safe to just leave him
in the main room of the cabin. I dragged him down the stairs to the basement before grabbing one of the beds out of the rooms.
When I moved him up onto the bed, I just found myself staring at him. In addition to his walk, he also has the same build as Justin. At least the way he was after he got sick: a bit on the skinnier side. Then I wondered how much he would resemble him without his thick black hair. So I decided to see. I know it sounds crazy, and I still can’t believe any of it happened. I took the scissors from my forensic kit and cut off as much as I could. Then I used the razor in my emergency overnight bag and shaved him bald.
It was like someone else took control of my body and I was just left watching. From there, I pulled his shirt off and pierced his nipple like Justin’s. When I was finished with everything, it was remarkable how alike they looked. With him there sleeping, I could have sworn that it was Justin.
Well, I hear him starting to stir again. I’ll write more when I figure out what exactly I’m going to do.
3:30 PM- I have a major problem! I know this man. At least, I’ve crossed paths with him recently. I didn’t even realize it until he started to come to again. He had his car vandalized two days ago and I processed it. This is going to come back on me unless I figure something out. I have to do something to draw suspicion away. I need to give them another place to start looking or at least distract them enough to confuse them. I need to think about it.
7:45 PM- I got called out to investigate his disappearance. I didn’t think anyone would notice yet, but I forgot about the dog. Apparently it ran home after he let go of
the leash. Well, I left the man tied up in the basement of the cabin. I don’t know what I’m going to do with him. The only thing for sure that I know is I can’t let him go. Honestly, I don’t know if I would even if I knew there was no chance I could face repercussions. He’s too much like Justin. I’ve been so lonely and have missed him for so long that it’s nice to feel like I have him again. I know it’s as close as I will ever get. I know I’m being selfish, but I don’t care. I’m hurting so bad that I’m glad to have something that eases it.
I figured out what I’m going to do to shift the investigation. I made a note on a piece of paper I found in the cabin that just has a “1” on it. I left it on a tree near where I grabbed him. I heard Detective Matthews talking about it. He doesn’t know if it has anything to do with his disappearance, but he’s looking into the possibility. That should definitely keep them distracted for a while. It will at least give me enough time to figure something else out.
I was so eager to get back out here to the cabin after I left the scene. It felt good. It reminded me of the way I felt whenever I was going to see Justin. It’s like my chest knotted and my heart was pounding so hard that I almost couldn’t take it. I know this man isn’t my Justin, but I’m going to make his as close as I can.
I decided that in order to do that, I needed to give him the surgery that Justin didn’t have. It was actually much easier than I thought it would be. I guess dating that surgeon a few years ago really paid off. I honestly don’t know if I would have been able to do it had he not always made me watch all of those surgery tapes with him. I did have a couple close calls with containing the bleeding, but the only really difficult part was cutting through the bone. There’s still a little bleeding, but I’m actually impressed with the job that I did.
Well, I’m going to run out and get everything I will need to keep him healthy while he’s still unconscious.
8/21/08- When I woke up this morning, I actually couldn’t wait to get out of bed. That hasn’t happened since I lost him. I can still feel the sorrow weighing down on me, but now it’s not alone. I can feel something else bubbling inside of me. It’s not hope, but I don’t know exactly what it is. All I know is it feels good.
I don’t have to be in until 4:00, so I’m going to go back to the cabin to check on John. I woke up three times in the middle of the night wanting to go out there. Well, I should get going. I’ll write more
later.
Noonish- John keeps asking when he can go home. I didn’t know what to tell him, so I just said it would be soon. He seems to have calmed down a bit after I assured him that I had no intention of killing him. He’s still cross about the leg, though. I can’t really blame him. It actually looks pretty good. I had a horrible dream last night that I was going to come back to a festering wound. From the look of it, there isn’t even an infection. I think I could have definitely made it as a surgeon if I had wanted to.
Well, I’m going to get the cabin fixed up a bit while John is sleeping. Luckily, the owners left a good deal of furniture when it was
foreclosed on. I’m going to need to do some work on the basement. John isn’t able to get around now, but the door won’t hold him when he is. It’s also not the coziest place to stay. I think I’m going to put a wall down the center of it and make an actual bedroom. As time goes on, I can reinforce the rest of the house. My only problem right now would be someone else buying it or someone from the bank coming out to check on the property. I was thinking about it on my drive out here this morning. I’m pretty sure since it was a foreclosure that I would be able to get a good price for it. If I can, I won’t have any problem making sure the house is secure enough to allow him to have full access to it while I’m out. Who knows, maybe in time he won’t want to leave anymore. Well, I need to change his bandages and get him fed before I have to go into work. Since I’m off tomorrow, I may just end up coming back out here for the night. Then I can get an early start on the list of things I need to do around here tomorrow. It would also be nice to be here with him, even if he isn’t very pleased with me right now. Maybe he’ll be more up to talking later.
8/22/08- Well, I had an early start to the day. I woke up to John yelling for water at four. I wasn’t able to get back to sleep after that. I ended up just sitting in the room with him until the sun came up. We actually had a nice conversation until he fell back asleep. He lost someone too, and not very long ago. His was just a sister, but he said they were really close. Their mom took off when they were kids and their dad was a drunk. He said they relied on each other, and he was devastated when she was killed in a car accident last year. It was nice being able to talk to someone about the way I feel who actually understands it. Dr. Gamboa acts like me does, but I know he doesn’t. He’s easy to talk to and all, but he doesn’t really know what it’s like.
8/25/08- I’ve had such a great day with John. I hate that I have to leave to go to my appointment with Dr. Gamboa today. Aside for the begging to go back home, we actually talked about a lot of stuff. He’s been in Addison Valley since he was nine. His mom took off shortly after, so his sister, Jill, and he were left to take care of their father. After his sister died, he and his father had a falling out, so he’s been on his own.
He told me I had pretty eyes. It was actually really sweet. Despite the fact that he seemed a little frightened when he said it, I could still see the sincerity in his eyes.
I don’t know why he’s still so on edge. I told him time and time again that I’m not going to kill him. He doesn’t seem to believe me. Although, it did seem to help a little when I brought in a bunch of Christopher’s clothes for him to wear. They look good on him. I had to pin the pant leg up, but as soon as I have a prosthetic made, they will fit much better. He seemed a little relieved when I told him I was already looking into getting it made for him. With how much he’s relaxing, I don’t think it will be much longer before I can allow him to have access to the entire house. I’ve also been putting a lot of thought into buying the cabin. I pulled together my financial information, so I can look into making an offer next week. Well, time to head to my appointment.