Diary of a Grace (3 page)

‘Jack’s here and seems pretty gutted for someone who’s just a friend,’ Dylan said sternly. ‘To see you all over some other guy.’

‘I wasn’t all over him,’ I whined. ‘It was just a kiss. Little kisses. They didn’t mean anything.’

Dylan wasn’t having it. I knew he’d been talking to Edie when he said, ‘A kiss is never just a kiss. Kisses can change your life, can change you. The people you kiss define who you are.’

I knew he was right and I wanted to think about what he’d just said but then Atsuko and Darby were there.

‘God, Dylan,’ Darby pouted. ‘You’re so boring these days. You’re not Grace’s dad, she can do what she wants.’

Atsuko nodded. ‘Grace is just having a laugh. You and Edie think everybody should be deeply, passionately in love because you two are.’

They turned to me, waiting for me to diss Dylan too. ‘Yeah,’ I said, all blustery. ‘I can do what I want.’

Dylan looked at me in this incredibly sad way. Like I’d disappointed him on this profound level and his life would never be the same again. He shook his head in despair and as he brushed past me, I heard him mutter, ‘Grow up, Grace.’

What does he think I’m trying to do?

I hadn’t seen Jack at the club despite what Dylan had said but he turned up first thing this morning. I thought we were going to walk into college together but he had this big speech all prepared and stopped right in the middle of the street to deliver it.

‘I thought you were sensitive and shy but the truth is you don’t care about people,’ he said in this quiet voice. ‘You’re such a bitch.’ And the expressionless, flat way he spoke carved into me much worse than if he’d ranted and raved.

I tried to explain how I felt. That you could kiss people and not be connected to them and how most of the time it was different with him ’cause we were friends too but my words wouldn’t come out right and it sounded like I was a boy-hungry troll.

‘So when I kiss you it doesn’t mean anything?’ he asked incredulously.

‘It means something,’ I protested. ‘But it’s the other stuff that’s really special, like, hanging out and talking.’

Then Jack went really quiet and we walked along not saying anything until he suddenly hustled me behind a bus-stop and kissed me so thoroughly that I thought my heart was going to burst through my ribcage.

‘Was that special enough for you?’ he snarled before walking off.

Jack hasn’t spoken to me since seeing me kiss a strange boy and then pulling me behind a bus-stop to do unmentionable things to me.

But Edie is speaking to me. She called and asked if I wanted to go down and see her this weekend. Yeah! I can NOT wait to get out of this town. Jack is being so ridiculous and self-righteous. Like, if he’d ever bothered to stake his claim I might not have kissed other boys. Or I might have but I’d have probably felt much guiltier about it.

Also, Poppy has reached new levels of annoying. She’s written this song that has this weird chord in it that I can’t play. I bet she did it on purpose. And I think Darby and Atsuko are going to get me grounded (again!) if they keep forcing me to go out and Dylan’s still glary and Mum’s whiny and, honestly, Edie couldn’t have called at a better time.

I’m sitting on the London train and missing my English class. Go team me! Poppy got all aerated about me missing a rehearsal and my non-ability to get to grips with the new song. I don’t see why we can’t keep playing the three chords that we normally play. Why add a fourth chord just to make things more complicated?

I saw Jack in the canteen before I left. He was trying to play it cool and acting all nonchalant and avoidy so I let him. I do miss him though. I miss the being important to someone and even the kissing, after the kissing got good. Maybe I should get him a make-up present while I’m away?

Edie’s student friends are very intimidating. I can’t understand anything they say but Edie starts rolling her eyes when they start going off on one about ‘hidden subtexts’ and ‘feminist theory’. It’s weird seeing her in her new life. You can tell that everyone thinks she’s super cool. I think it’s because she always looks like she’s laughing at some private joke. But we sat on her bed and ate spaghetti on toast and talked and talked. And I told her about the business with Jack which she already knew courtesy of Dylan. She didn’t tell me off, which was good but even Edie couldn’t resist saying: ‘I told you so.’

I pretended not to understand and Edie sighed and arched her eyebrows. ‘Kisses always have consequences,’ she reminded me.

‘There wouldn’t have been any consequences if certain people hadn’t been there and now Jack’s never going to talk to me again,’ I grumbled. ‘He’s so angry with me and it’s not even that big of a deal. It’s not like we were boyfriend and girlfriend.’

‘Are you mad at him for being mad at you or mad because you’re really into him?’ Edie wanted to know.

I didn’t know whether it was all of the above or none of the above and just thinking about it made me feel sad so Edie changed the subject.

I’m on my way back to Manchester. My head hurts due to drinking too much wine at this party Edie took me to. I don’t usually drink but someone shoved a cup in my hand and it just kinda kept getting filled. At the party everyone was snogging each other and then having a drink and snogging someone else. And there didn’t seem to be too many consequences going on either.

Edie spent most of the night being followed around by this guy called Alex who’s on her course. She was politely not interested at first but he wouldn’t leave her alone and kept trying to be all deep and saying, ‘You look like something out of a German expressionist movie, sweet Edie.’ And then Edie wasn’t so polite. It was quite funny actually.

There were lots of boys at the party and I was nervous about being too young and also being lame but none of them cared. All they wanted to do was tell me how great they were and then lunge at me. That was quite funny too. I felt as if I could be anyone I wanted to be because I was never going to see any of them again. So when this dreadlocked boy called Billy came over and asked if I was in his tutorial group I told him I was studying to be a zoologist and how I was doing an internship at the Elephant house at London Zoo. He tried to kiss me but his breath was beery and Edie came in and said that we were going. So we went. And now my mobile phone’s beeping.

Oh my God! The message was from Atsuko: ‘Jack & Darby. Snogged! Call me!’ What the hell is going on?

I’ve texted Darby about a million times but she hasn’t replied! It’s hard to convey casual greetings and subtly hint about her foxing around with Jack via text message. Atsuko seems to have her phone switched off and even Poppy is being very avoidy. Like, I ask her when we’re having the next rehearsal and she’s all evasive and stuff.

What have I done? I mean, am I such a bad person? My whole freaking life is falling apart. I hate them!

I’ve been far too devastated to explain what’s been happening in my life. It’s taken me weeks to come to terms with being thrown out of the band! Because I’m having trouble with A flat diminished or because Mum thinks I need to concentrate on my AS levels or because I’m just too damn awkward. No-one would tell me why.

If I’m not in the band then I’m not anything. Being a quarter of Mellowstar made me a whole person instead of this vague shadowy girl who floated around the edges and never got to matter. Boys would speak to me and want to pull me and people at college didn’t mind that I was quiet because I was in the band. They thought that I was being enigmatic and cool, which not even. But now I’ve been sacked and everyone will just know that I’m a total loser.

Jack broke his month long silence to sidle over after French class to ask if I was OK. ‘I’m so far from OK, that I’d need a map and a compass to ever find my way back to the vicinity of OK,’ is what I should have said. But I just looked at my shoes and muttered, ‘Go away’.

‘Jesse told me that you were out of the band,’ Jack persisted, absolutely refusing to read anything into my hostile body language.

‘I don’t care,’ I tried to say but instead of sounding all nonchalant, my voice went hiccuppy and high. I pushed past him but he called my name and hurried after me.

It was a relief to bump into Marianne. Jack wouldn’t come near me if I was with Marianne because no-one can get a word in when she starts talking. I saw him shrug and raise his eyebrows at me but I pretended to be really engrossed in nodding and smiling at all the stupid things Marianne was saying about Taylor Swift. She’s a big Swiftie. Not that I hold that against her, but I don’t think Taylor Swift invented making a heart shape with your thumbs and forefingers, I really don’t. Anyway, Marianne talked and talked until we were halfway across the college grounds and Jack was long gone and then she said that she knew I had this whole different music thing going on, but did I want to go and see this singer who wasn’t half as amazing as Taylor Swift but she was still quite good.

Whatever, Marianne. Whatever. As long as it gets you to stop making words come out of your mouth.

I’m still not talking to Poppy or Mum. Mum’s really upset about it but I heard Poppy saying to Jesse that it didn’t really make much difference ’cause I never say anything interesting anyway. Poppy is so up herself these days. More than she used to be, which is unbelievable. She thinks she’s going to be really famous one day. Famous for being a complete bitch.

Once again, I was relieved to see Marianne when she turned up to take me to see this singer who wasn’t as good as Taylor Swift.

‘This is Grace, she’s in Mellowstar,’ said Marianne when we bumped into her old grammar school friends who cooed and looked impressed so I didn’t tell them that I’d had to hang up my guitar strap.

Jack was there and so was Darby. Like, together, but hanging out, rather than indulging in puke inducing PDAs. All I knew was that I felt full of hate and it seemed like a really good idea to drink a pint of cider in about 8 seconds and then follow Marianne backstage to meet the singer who really wasn’t as amazing as Taylor Swift. In fact, she was
awful.

But she had a backing band and one of them gave me a bottle of beer and I drank it all. Then he handed me another. When I stumbled back into the club, band boy had to take my arm to stop me from falling over. And there was Darby and Jack who weren’t hanging out any more, instead they were investigating each other’s back molars so I grabbed band boy and shoved my tongue down his throat. I might just as well wear a T-shirt that says, ‘Wanna be a skanky ho? Ask me how.’

Band boy was really into the snogging, which quickly turned into pressing me against a wall and trying to persuade me to ‘come into the van for five minutes’ and before I could cut and run I realised that Darby and Jack were standing there, though I wasn’t focussing too well by that point.

Band boy told them to go away (f-word an’ all), and then I threw up. All over band boy and anyone else standing within a ten foot radius.

Oh no, it got worse. Jack phoned my mum and she came to pick me up and grounded me ‘for so long that your grandchildren will be getting married before I let you out of the house on your own’.

My life is officially over. Forget you ever knew me.

It’s been nearly a month and I’m still grounded. I can’t believe that Mum’s been so unforgiving. I mean, OK, drinking, puking and kissing strange boys are not valid lifestyle choices but it’s obviously just a phase I’m going through. Why can’t she just let me go through it with minimum interference from her? It’s all college and study and more study and the odd meal break. She’s even done something to the TV in my room so I can only get the Freeview channels.

Weirdly for the original ‘French ’em and forget ’em’ girl, Darby and Jack are
still
together. I know they’re just doing it to spite me. I mean, he’s younger than her and crap at making conversation and stuff. What can she possibly see in him?

Still grounded but aceing all my pre-AS level mock tests. It comes to something when making a revision schedule becomes the highlight of my week.

Mum’s finally relented and I’m so not grounded. Praise be! Going out with Marianne tomorrow but had to tell her that I wasn’t in the band any more. I was very vague about the reasons for my sacking and now she thinks I did something really heinous to get thrown out. Not sure if that’s good or bad.

Note to self: They call them alcopops because they have alcohol in them. I managed to lose several hours of my life last night. Marianne and I went to this club in Stockport ’cause I couldn’t bear to go out in Manchester where I’d have to watch Darby and Jack tonguing each other’s tonsils. And I had too much to drink and then we went to this house party and when I woke up this morning I was drooling on this boy’s shoulder and I’d lost one of my shoes. Not quite sure what happened in between but I had a hell of a time explaining the missing footwear to Mum.

I haven’t been out all week. Because I don’t want to turn into one of those binge drinkers that Mum is always telling me I’ll turn into. It’s just, well, college is so blah and I’m so sick of all my A-level subjects but mostly seeing Jack makes me… not sad, more like this feeling of white hot, incandescent rage. Because… because… because he’s seeing Darby and not me and she was the one who encouraged me to kiss loads of different boys which made him so angry that he went off me and onto her. Have to go, Poppy’s just crashed through the door.

I went out with Poppy and Jesse last night, which is never fun ’cause they’re like this two-headed sarcasm demon. The other guys from Jesse’s band turned up and one of them, Toph (rhymes with loaf) was really fine. Super, super, super fine. So I went and pulled some random boy who I bumped into at the bar after one drink too many. Because, hey, that’s a great tactic when you’ve just been introduced to someone that you actively fancy who isn’t Jack. I’m such a wreck of a girl. I got off with a boy wearing a Wanted T-shirt (was he being ironic or just idiotic?) while my sister and her boyfriend and his mates were forced to sit there and watch. I heard Poppy hiss at Jesse, ‘Well, at least she’s meeting new people’ before cackling evilly.