Diane T. Ashley (9 page)

Before hopelessness could overtake him once more, David took a steadying breath. Hadn’t he promised God a little while earlier that he would wait on Him? What had happened to his resolve? He smiled at Jasmine. Let her think what she wanted, he wouldn’t let her boorish behavior upset him.

Walking out onto the deck, David leaned against the rail. A leafy curtain of tall trees gave the illusion that the
Water Lily
traveled through an uninhabited wilderness while showy white magnolia blooms filled the air with their sweet fragrance. During the months he’d spent in Chicago, David had forgotten how green and beautiful the landscape was along the river.

He didn’t realize he wasn’t alone until a hand clapped him on the shoulder. He turned and looked into Blake’s bright blue eyes.

“You look more relaxed than at the restaurant the other night.”

“Can you blame me? You didn’t have to sit next to Jasmine’s aunt Dahlia.” David grinned to soften his words.

“I’m sure she had plenty of gossip to share since you haven’t seen her for a while.” Blake whistled. “It’s a wonder your ears still work.”

“I know.” David pulled on one of his lobes and made a face. “It was touch and go for a while.”

“The rest of the family sends their thanks for the pleasant meal.” Blake’s laughter blended with his.

A splash close to the boat made them look at the muddy brown surface of the river. A ring of concentric circles showed where a fish had broken the surface in its quest for a meal.

As silence enveloped them, Marguerite’s advice returned to David. Should he talk to Blake about his feelings? The idea yanked the smile from his lips. What could he say? That he didn’t feel like a part of the family? That he’d been naive enough to hope his irresponsible parents might one day get back together and welcome him into a loving home? The very idea of being so candid made his skin crawl.

“Are you doing okay?” Blake’s question was hesitant, as though he too wrestled with uncomfortable emotions. “I hated to hear about your father. I know how much you hoped to see him once more.”

“I’m fine. It’s not like Pa and I were close.”

Another silence developed, broken by Blake’s sigh a few moments later. “Have I ever told you about my own father?”

David shook his head. Even though he’d spent so much time around Blake and the others aboard the
Water Lily
, he’d always thought they led wonderful, nearly perfect lives.

“We were estranged for years. I thought he was wrong in the way he raised me, and I ran away from him as soon as I could. I blamed him for all of my troubles, holding him responsible because I misunderstood him. I was full of bitterness right up until the day I forgave him. Looking back at it now, I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time. Forgiving him lifted a huge weight off of me.”

How could Blake compare their experiences? “Your situation was different from mine.”

“That’s true.” David could feel Blake’s gaze probing his face. “I’m the one who abandoned my father, not the other way around. And I had the chance to talk to my father about the past. I know it’s hard, but that doesn’t change the fact you still need to forgive your father.”

David turned suspicious eyes toward the older man. Had Marguerite blabbed to him about David’s reservations? No. Marguerite wouldn’t betray his confidence. “Why should I forgive him? If he hadn’t run away, my life and my mother’s would have been much different.”

“Yes, your life would’ve been different. Whether it would have been better or worse is something we’ll never know.”

Surprise rocked David. He’d never thought that his life might have been harder if Pa had stayed in Natchez. He’d always been too angry about being deserted.

“But you have a duty to forgive him anyway because you’re a Christian.” Blake spoke softly, but his words might have been daggers aimed at David’s heart.

A sense of betrayal made him defensive. He pushed away the idea that he might be better off because of his father’s absence. “It still feels wrong. I shouldn’t have to forgive him when he’s the one who did wrong. I was only a child. I had no choice.”

“I know how hard it seems right now. I struggled with the same sense of unfairness even though I was the one who ran away.” Blake’s voice roughened. He stopped talking and cleared his throat. “I blamed God. I thought He should have given me a better home, a father who would care for his family’s physical needs over their spiritual welfare. I couldn’t see that the man who raised me wasn’t the problem. I was too busy running away. Even after Lily and I met—after I fell in love with her—I didn’t understand how my refusal to face the past affected my future.”

David swallowed hard as he listened to Blake’s confession. He’d never seen the struggles Blake was describing. He’d always thought Blake and Lily knew how to deal with every challenge. Sure, they’d argued from time to time. Who didn’t? “What changed?”

“God called me to Him. He filled my life with Christians and used them to speak to me, to be examples for me.” Blake’s chuckle held no mirth. “But I was hardheaded. Running away seemed easier than listening to Him. It took losing everything I held dear before I finally surrendered my life to Him.”

Taking a deep breath, David turned toward Blake. “And once you did, everything worked out. But that won’t happen for me. It’s too late. I used to dream my pa would come back to Natchez, get me and Ma, and we’d live together like a real family.”

“I’m sorry your dream didn’t come true.”

David didn’t know what he’d expected from Blake. Derision? Disbelief? Certainly not sympathetic understanding. Blake’s response gave him the courage to continue. “I think that’s why I never quite accepted you and Lily as my family. Don’t get me wrong. I know how good you’ve been to me, how much I owe you.”

“You don’t owe us anything, David. We may not be your blood relatives, but that doesn’t affect our love for you. You’re like a younger brother to me. Forget this debt nonsense. You’re one of the family.”

How could David explain his sense of separateness? “When Ma passed away, I still thought maybe Pa would show up. I thought we could do the kinds of things your family does—work together, rely on each other, love each other without reservation. I even thought we could go fishing and hunting together. Create a family of our own. When I got to California, though, I had to face the truth. Once I buried Pa, I decided to make a break with the past. I walked away from all that you and Lily have done for me.”

“Nothing you can say will change my mind.” Blake draped an arm over his shoulders. “I know you’re not perfect. None of us is. Lily and I are proud of the man you’ve become. We’ve watched you and Jasmine grow up together. Lily has even wondered from time to time if the two of you …”

David heaved a sigh of resignation. “I don’t think that will happen—”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me.” Blake’s voice cut off his protest. “I’m not trying to interfere in your life. I just want you to know how much I care about you and pray for your success. We all miss getting to see you now that you’ve become a successful Pinkerton detective, but we’re thrilled to see you happy with what you’re doing with your life.”

David wondered why Blake’s compliments made him feel so uneasy. He felt like a fraud. The reason he’d made the decision to become a detective was not as straightforward as Blake made it sound. In some ways he thought he might even be doing what Blake had done. He might be using his job to avoid dealing with the past. He circled back to the real question in his mind. “What if I don’t know how to forgive my father or how to let go of the past?”

“It will come to you, David.” Blake squeezed his shoulders before releasing him. “There’s a story in Mark about Jesus telling a father that He could heal his son if the father believed. The father cried out ‘Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.’ That scripture is important to me because it says that all we have to do is take the first step. Christ will help us cross the bridge. He is the Way.”

But what was the first step? How could he forgive a father who was dead? He was alone, an orphan. He was a victim separated from the rest of the world by circumstances beyond his control. And that was the real reason for him to start a new life in Chicago, away from anyone who knew his past.

Blake didn’t really understand. No one could. He was as isolated as he’d always been. The only thing David could cling to was the hope of making a difference through his work as a Pinkerton.

Fog, gray and mysterious, wreathed the trees on the west bank of the river as Papa and Blake brought the
Water Lily
up against the dock. The sun was about to make its exit, but people crowded the waterfront. Tall-masted schooners, their sails furled, rubbed against the docks as cargo was loaded into their holds. Beside them, tall smokestacks belched smoky tendrils into the air. Smaller rafts and even a few pirogues bobbed between the larger vessels like tiny fish in a large pond. Looking out at the hustle-bustle, Lily found it easy to discount Blake’s opinion that river traffic was on the wane.

Blake’s deep voice surprised her. “I know what you’re thinking.”

Lily felt his arm go around her waist, imparting warmth and strength. She leaned into him, thanking God once again for the life they shared. She glanced sideways at him. “I was wondering if Aunt Tessie can watch Benjamin as well as Noah and Magnolia.”

“Is that right? Are you worried about Aunt Tessie or our children?” His eyes, as blue as the sky, teased her. “I would have guessed something different. You aren’t looking at all of this activity and discounting the idea that we should get out of the steamship business, are you?”

A blush warmed her cheeks. “How can you know that?”

“You, my dearest wife, are as transparent as a new windowpane, in spite of the fact that muddy water practically runs through your veins.” He dropped a light kiss on her lips. “Besides, if I didn’t know what your thoughts were after a decade of living and working with you, I’d have to be deaf and blind.”

She tried to pretend outrage, but a bubble of laughter in her chest demanded escape. He joined in, and the merriment they shared washed away the fear that had stalked her since he had first mentioned a change in future vocation.

“It does look like shipping is still a thriving business.” Lily heard the note of wistfulness in her voice. Was she clinging to something in spite of the evidence? Or was Blake wrong?

“Don’t you remember how it was before the war?” His voice was gentle, coaxing her agreement.

Lifting her chin, she nodded. “Business has come back since the war ended, though. Perhaps not quite as much as it was before. But after the heavy toll taken on both people and ships during the war, what do you expect? The ships will return, and we’ll be in high cotton again.”

He didn’t answer her in words, but his silence shouted disagreement. She might have pulled away, but his arm drew her even closer.

They stood like that for several precious moments. Lily knew they both had a lot to do over the next hour or two, but she found herself wishing she could stay right where she was, hoping life would continue as it had for the past decade. They had endured difficulties and hardships like everyone else in the country, but they had survived. Did her husband expect her to simply give up now?

In an effort to breach the silence, she decided to focus on another problem that had been bothering her since they left Natchez. “Jasmine and David still seem to be at odds with each other.”

Blake raised an eyebrow but accepted the change of subject. “I don’t understand either of them. They were so close before he went off to try to reconcile with his father.”

“I know. It’s a shame.” Lily sighed. “He’s lost so much.”

Blake nodded. “I talked to him earlier. He’s struggling with some tough issues, but he’ll figure things out eventually. He’s a good man.”

She loved that Blake had cared enough to ask David. “At one time I hoped perhaps he and Jasmine would fall in love. They always seemed to get along well together when they were children and up until he went out West. Do you think it’s because of his job? His work is dangerous. Maybe he doesn’t want to expose Jasmine. Or maybe she’s the one who doesn’t want to be tied to a lawman.”