Diamond Star (67 page)

"Yes I can! " Del said. "I have the entire rest of the time I've been here. I've been doing fine. Doesn't that count for anything?"

"You couldn't even get proper evidence for your age," Kelric said. "Your manager had to pay a doctor to say you were an adult."

"Mac didn't bribe anyone!" Del wanted to shout, but he felt Chaniece's hand, soft and subtle, on his elbow. If he lost his temper, that would be the end of it. He drew in a breath and spoke in a lower voice. "Did it ever occur to any of you that I didn't go to you all for proof because I felt humiliated?"

"Why?" Kelric asked. "We're your family." If Del hadn't known better, he would have thought that under Kelric's metal exterior, he was vulnerable, that Del's words actually hurt his implacable brother. But then Kelric said, "You have to stop putting all this emotional hyperbole ahead of logic."

"I'm not a robot." Every time Kelric talked this way to him, he died a little inside. Couldn't his brother tell what it did to him? "How can you be an empath and have no emotions?"

Anger flashed on Kelric's face, and something else. Pain? "You think I have no emotions? You're confusing your overwrought immaturity with empathy."

"Don't talk about me like that!"

"Then don't give me reason."

"You just see what you want. Not what I really am."

Kelric leaned forward. "You're coming home. Period."

"Yeah, well, fuck that."

"Del, enough!" Roca told him.

"Gods, Del," Kelric said. "Can't we have a civil conversation just once?"

Del's voice cracked. "Maybe if you would treat me like I deserved one. Then I wouldn't have to program a bliss-node to find a family that accepts me."

"Del, what?" Dehya was staring at him as if she were breaking inside.

"And of course you have a valid license for that node," Kelric said. "You would never bribe some slimy dealer to fake one so you could feed your addiction."

"Don't you have anything better to do than spy on my life?" Del shouted. "Is yours that miserable?"

"Stop it!" Roca said. "
Both
of you."

Del wanted to take back the words as soon as he said them. Kelric always seemed indomitable, impervious to any hurt, yet Del had no doubt pain had just flashed on his brother's face.

In the stunned silence that followed, someone cleared his throat. With a start, Del glanced at Mac.

His manager spoke with diffidence. "May I say something?"

Dehya let out a breath. "Please do."

"I've worked with many singers," Mac said. "Some are notorious for their behavior. Del isn't like that. Yes, he's made mistakes. He's not perfect, not by a long shot. But he
is
responsible, and that's even given his constant exposure to a lifestyle where he could be as wild as he wanted. He had no idea how to handle his finances when he started to work. He asked me to show him. Then he learned to invest. It's that way in everything. He jumps at the opportunity to manage his life. He learns from his mistakes."

Del stared at him. He'd never have guessed Mac saw him that way. He often picked up Mac's disapproval, but either Mac kept his positive opinion buried deeper, or else Del didn't recognize it.

Chaniece spoke in her melodic voice, though today it sounded like a song in a minor key. "Kelric, Del, it tears me apart to hear you two go at each other. Surely you can find a common ground."

Del averted his gaze. He hadn't meant to upset her.

Kelric spoke quietly. "Del."

He looked up at his brother. "Yes?"

"For what it's worth," Kelric said, "I'm sorry you can't stay to sing. It obviously makes you happy."

Del felt the betraying moisture in his eyes. He wiped his palm over his face, smearing tears away.

"Ah, gods," Dehya said. No one else spoke.

Kelric frowned at Dehya. "Don't say it."

Del blinked. What did Kelric mean by that?

"At least listen to him," she said.

Frustration creased Kelric's face. "Dehya, he couldn't spend five minutes in a police station without getting in a fight."

So they knew about that, too. Del thought of what Acne had said about their mother, and his anger rekindled. "That asshole deserved a lot worse than me knocking over his skinny butt."

Kelric spoke dryly. "Your language capability in English is growing by leaps and bounds."

"I mean it," Del said. "That guy had a mouth worse than mine. It's not always about swearing."

"I've been called worse, honey," Roca said. "He wasn't worth the trouble." Her face softened. "But thank you for defending me."

Del reddened. "He pressed charges."

"Actually, he's dropped them," Kelric said.

"He has?" Del regarded them uneasily. "What did you do?"

Kelric shrugged. "Our people settled with his. It was less than he wanted, but enough to finish the matter."

"I'm sorry." Del glanced at his mother and spoke quietly. "I thought you all would be angrier about my singing 'Carnelians.' "

"I could never make such personal matters public." Roca exhaled, stirring a tendril of hair around her face. "But what you sang--it needed to be heard. I think your father would have felt the same."

"I hope so." Del missed his father as much now, a year after his death, as the day he had died. "Would it be so terrible for me to stay? I know I used bad judgment when I tricked Cameron. I've learned." He spoke directly to Kelric. "With Tarex, I made a choice. I knew I could become a provider. I was willing to risk it and live with the consequences. Was it right for ASC to rush in for me when they wouldn't for Staver? That speed made the difference between hell or freedom for him. You may not agree with my decision, but it was mine to make."

Kelric pushed his hand over his hair, a virtual gesture he didn't let his virt setup edit out. "Del . . ."

Del waited for him to go on. When Kelric added nothing more, Del said, "I'm never sure what that means, when you just say my name and nothing else."

It was Roca who answered. "Your song, 'Carnelians'--I never knew you were so furious."

Del hadn't realized the full extent of his rage, either, until the words exploded out of him. He had suppressed so much, but it came out in other ways, in his behavior, his resentment.

"You all had decades between those events," he said. "For me, everything just happened. All those years I slept, you all did so much. Kelric, here you are, like some war god fired in the crucible of the hells you've survived." Bitterly he said, "And here's stupid, illiterate Del singing loud songs."

"Del, no," Roca said. "You aren't stupid."

"I can't--" He shook his head, unable to go on.

"Your father felt like that, too," she said. "But he was a miracle. What he did with languages was incredible. And when he sang--" Her voice caught. "You remind me so much of him. I had hoped you would carry on his work." Tears glistened in her eyes, and she wiped them away with the same motion Del always used, as if she were angry at herself for crying. "You have a gift. It isn't one I understand, but it's real. I can't ask you to deny it."

Something moved within Del, something big and painful. It had never hurt in his virtual world when his mother spoke this way. But this was real. She truly said the words. She called his music a
gift.
He ached inside, so much he thought he would burst.

Chaniece's thought came to him.
She's right.

I can't--
He didn't know how to answer.

Tell her what you feel.
Her thought was a balm.
Let them know. They've seen so much of your anger and so little of the rest.

Del spoke to his mother in a voice rough with emotions he feared to reveal. "You don't know what it means to hear you say that. I--it's--thank you."

Her gaze softened.

And Kelric.
Chaniece's thought murmured.

Del knew too much separated him and Kelric for them to find their way back to each other. But for Chaniece, he would try. "Kelric--" What could he say? The truth, perhaps. "I wish we could fight less and talk more."

"I'm no good with words," Kelric said. "You say more in one song than I could in a year. But I--" He stumbled to a halt. Then he said, "Damn it, I don't want you to die because you're my brother and I love you."

Del sat in stunned silence. Kelric always seemed invincible, lofty in his strength. His emotional defenses were stronger than those of anyone else Del knew. But when Kelric let them down, Del glimpsed the brother he remembered from their childhood.

"I don't want to hurt any of you," Del said. "I just can't seem to do anything right."

After a strained moment, Dehya said, "I'd like to talk to Del alone, if he doesn't mind."

"It's all right." Del doubted the others wanted to leave. But none of them were going to naysay Dehya.

I'll talk to Kelric,
Chaniece thought.
Maybe I can make him see how important staying here is to you.

Chani, wait.
Del didn't want her to get the wrong idea.
It's not more important than you and the boys.

I know.
Her thought came with a pain that would never fully leave either of them.

You could all come to Earth,
he thought.

Is that what you want?

He almost said yes. But he knew the truth.
They wouldn't like living here. And they're safer on Lyshriol.

Yes.
Her thoughts flowed.
You need to find your life outside this guilt that's crushing you. What the Assembly did isn't your fault. You have to stop believing you harm the boys just by existing. You're a good father. You have to make peace with yourself, and it will never happen if you stay on Lyshriol.

I don't feel whole without you.

It's the same for me.
A tear formed in her eye.
We have to let go, Del. Let yourself love that woman. And I want to love someone. Not as a brother. As a man. A husband.

He felt as if part of him were dying.
I miss you all so much.

You can come see us all the time.

I will. I swear, Chani.

I'm glad.
She touched his arm. Then she faded away.

When Del looked up, he was alone with Dehya. The air rippled, and she was sitting next to him. A year ago, that sudden shift would have rattled him, but after all the time he had spent--no, wasted--in the bliss, he no longer even blinked at the abrupt transitions.

Dehya watched him with green eyes overlaid by an inner lid that was no more than a glimmer of gold and rose. Sunrise eyes. She spoke softly. "What you said about your virt--do you really feel that way, that you need to escape us by creating a virtual family?"

"Not you," he said. "But the others--" He didn't know what to think anymore. "Maybe it can change. I never thought my mother or Kelric would say what they did today."

"Does it make coming home easier?"

"I wish I could say yes, Aunt Dehya. But nothing could make it easier. I like it here." His mood dimmed. "Maybe it doesn't matter. Prime-Nova doesn't want their artists involved in politics. It kills sales, and the censors hate it. They won't offer me another contract."

"Are you sorry you sang 'Carnelians'?"

"Never." He felt subdued. "But I'll have to start over."

"Even with that, you still want to stay?"

Del didn't hesitate. "Yes."

Dehya was watching him as if her ancient gaze could see through his armor into his heart. "I'll talk to Kelric, then."

Del stared at her. He must have misunderstood. She couldn't have just said what he thought. "About what?"

"Letting you stay." Incredibly, she added, "If it means this much, you should have the chance."

"But--why?"

"Because you're right," she said. "You need to make your own decisions. And yes, your own mistakes." She sighed. "We've all made them, Del. But fate hit you harder for yours."

"What happened with Staver wasn't a mistake."

"It took great courage."

The blood rushed to Del's face. "I was terrified."

"With good reason." Dehya pushed back the tendrils curling around her face. The familiar gesture made him suspect she was more worn out than the virt revealed. She didn't look pregnant, but surely by now she should be showing.

"Aunt Dehya--?" Del hesitated, uncertain what to say.

"Yes?" she asked.

He couldn't think of any subtle approach. So he just said, "Is your baby all right?"

A shadow passed over her face. "I--it's--"

"I'm sorry." Del felt as if the ground dropped under him. "I shouldn't have asked." Gods, had the baby
died?
He wished he could disappear.

"It's all right." She looked worn out, but . . . not grieving. "He was born prematurely. He's in a life-care mod. The doctors think he'll survive." Her voice softened. "We named him Althor, after your brother who died in the war."

His voice caught. "That's good." He had always wished he could have named one of his sons for Althor.

She exhaled. "I'll let you know what happens with Kelric."

Del nodded, afraid to hope.

XXIX: Carnelian Sun

Ricki went up to her office by a back entrance in the Prime-Nova building. That way, no one could catch her sneaking in before she faced Zachary. She dreaded the meeting; he had to know she could have stopped Del last night. She had tried to reach him after the concert and this morning, but he hadn't been available.

Her office console blazed with holicons. She winced and flicked one that showed Zachary's face.

His message was curt. "Ricki, come up as soon as you're in." No "Good morning" or "Hey, sweetheart." She hated it when he called her sweetheart, but anything was better than
You're fired.

She took a private lift upstairs that let her out in front of the huge silver and glass doors of his office. No one was in the reception room, which was odd. Usually he had some gorgeously extraneous receptionist sitting at the curved desk. Music was coming from his office, though, several songs playing at once. She walked through the big archway into his office--and froze.