Authors: Derek Landy
Kelly let her head rest on Warrick’s shoulder. “You’re a good guy, you know that?”
“I’m just super-sensitive about lesbian issues,” he said, and she laughed.
“We’re here,” said Ronnie as they pulled over. Kelly knelt and peered out at a row of houses surrounded by trees. She zeroed in on the house with the purple truck out front, where a middle-aged man was boarding up the windows.
“Austin, you stay here with Warrick and Two,” said Ronnie. “We’re not going to be long.”
Austin nodded, and Kelly opened the side door and got out. Ronnie and Linda joined her, and they walked up to the man hammering nails.
“Hi there,” said Ronnie.
The man turned, frowned at them. “Who are you?”
“We’re friends of, uh, of your son,” said Linda. “He in?”
The man kept frowning. “You really shouldn’t be here. Today’s the day of the festival. You … you can’t be here. We have a curfew in place.”
“We’re actually just leaving,” Kelly said, smiling broadly. “We’re all packed up and ready to go, and we figured we’d stop by to see your son on our way out. We’re not gonna be long, I swear. Two minutes.”
“If he isn’t here, we can wait,” Ronnie said happily.
“No, no, he’s here,” said the man. “Go on there and knock. My wife’ll take you to him.”
“Thank you,” said Linda, and she led the way to the front door and rapped her knuckles against it. A few moments later, a woman answered, her eyes widening in alarm when she saw them.
“They’re here to see Kevin,” the man called. “Let them in. They’ll be two minutes, they said.”
“You really can’t be here,” the woman said.
“That’s what I told them. They’re on their way out of town.”
“But … but the curfew—”
“Let them talk to the boy!” her husband shouted.
“Fine, okay,” the woman said, flustered. “In, in, in you come.” She stepped back and they walked into a house that smelled of freshly baked cookies. “Third door on the left, there. Better hurry.”
She hurried off, and Ronnie turned the handle of Party-Monster’s door and pushed it open. “Hi, Kevin,” he said.
The Party-Monster, wearing only a pair of boxers, leaped out of bed, dropping a video-game controller on to a floor that was littered with dirty clothes and food-encrusted plates.
Kelly was the last one into his room, and as she closed the door she put one hand over her nose and mouth. “Oh my God, it
stinks
in here.”
“Jesus,” said Ronnie.
“Is there a dead raccoon under the bed?” Linda asked, appalled. “I want to breathe through my mouth, but I don’t want to swallow the smell.”
“This is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever experienced,” Kelly said. “And I was once thrown into a tub of bile.”
“You hear that, Kevin?” said Ronnie. “Your room is worse than a tub of bile.”
The Party-Monster just stared at them. He had a relatively hairless chest, with only a few curious wisps around his strangely large nipples. “What are you doing here?”
“We won’t be long,” Ronnie said. “We’re after the code to the bunker. The nuclear bunker? We were told you know it.” He looked around. “Have you ever cleaned this room?”
“Who let you in?” asked the Party-Monster.
“Your mom,” said Linda. “You still live with your mom, by the way? There’s nothing wrong with still living with your folks, of course there’s not, but you still live with them like this? You’re not a teenager anymore, Kevin.”
“Party-Monster,” said the Party-Monster somewhat feebly.
“You’re a grown-up,” Linda continued. “Do you have a job? Or is Party-Monstering a full-time occupation?”
The Party-Monster didn’t answer.
“So you don’t have a job, then. You live with your folks, you don’t clean your room, you probably never even open a window in here, and you don’t pay your own way.”
Kelly shook her head sadly. “Oh, Party-Monster …”
“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” said the Party-Monster. “I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. I do what I do. I am who I am. I party.”
“Playing video games in your underwear is not partying.”
“You just wait,” the Party-Monster sneered. “You hang around a few hours, and then you’ll see exactly what kind of Party-Monster I can—”
“We know that you change into a demon,” Ronnie said.
The Party-Monster’s sneer dropped. “Oh.”
“We know it all. We don’t care. The only reason we’re here is to get the code to the bunker. You know it, don’t you?”
“Why should I tell you?”
“Because if you don’t I’ll beat you up again,” said Linda.
The Party-Monster puffed out his chest, which only served to accentuate how big his nipples were. “You caught me by surprise in the bar. Try that again and see what happens.”
“I would step towards you right now, but I’m terrified of what I might step on,” said Linda. “Have you ever washed these clothes?”
“You can wash ’em if you want,” the Party-Monster said. He was getting braver. “You can start with these shorts I’m wearing. Come over here and get ’em. You or the redhead, I don’t mind.”
“I’m not really into naked men,” said Kelly, “but if I were I’d probably still not be into you.”
The Party-Monster laughed. “What are you, a lesbian?”
“Yes.”
His eyes widened. “Really?”
He was definitely getting braver. This would not do. Kelly reached for the wires connecting his TV to his games console.
“Hey,” he said, “don’t touch that.”
“Tell us what the code is or I’ll pull out all of these wires and you’ll lose your progress. I bet you didn’t have a chance to press save when we walked in, did you?”
The Party-Monster licked his lips nervously. “You can’t … you can’t threaten me like that. That’s not even a threat. I’ll just replay the section.”
“What Kelly is doing,” Ronnie explained, “is firing the first salvo. This is our opening threat. Will it work? Probably not.”
“But when it doesn’t,” Linda said, “we’ll move on to another threat. And another one after that. You’ll tell us the code eventually.”
“But it’s up to you how much it’ll have to hurt, or how much you’ll have lost, by the time you do,” finished Kelly. “So, one more time … tell us the code or I’ll pull these wires.”
“Okay!” the Party-Monster said, hands up. “Jesus, okay! It’s 4-0-1-5. It’ll beep and a green light will come on.”
Kelly released the wires. “Thank you.”
“So you’re … you’re really a lesbian? And are you a lesbian, too?”
“Afraid not,” said Linda.
The Party-Monster seemed disappointed, then looked at Ronnie. “You ever get involved?”
“I’m not sure you understand what a lesbian is,” Ronnie said, “so we’ll go while you google it.”
The Party-Monster frowned, but Ronnie was already leaving the room, followed by Linda. Kelly desperately wanted to say something clever on the way out, but her desire to leave the smell behind proved somewhat overwhelming. She joined the others in the hall outside, shut the door, and breathed deeply again.
The Party-Monster’s parents stood side by side, waiting for them.
“Are you leaving now?” asked the Party-Monster’s mom.
“Yes, thank you,” said Ronnie, smiling.
The relief that washed over their faces was palpable, and the mother took a plate from the table behind her and held it out. “Cookie?”
Kelly grinned. “Don’t mind if I do.”
O
SCAR
M
ORENO’S CAR WAS
in his driveway. Virgil and Javier sat across the road in the Sienna.
“What’s wrong with you?” Javier asked.
Virgil frowned at him. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re all surly and bad-tempered.”
“Don’t I have a right to be? This town is infested with evil.”
“Yeah?” said Javier. “So’s Hollywood. You should be used to it.”
“In that house, right now, is a … a
monster
, who may or may not have already abducted another child in the few hours since this morning. There could be a terrified kid in there
right now
, and what are we doing?”
“Well, one of us is getting very angry about something.”
“We’re
watching
,” said Virgil. “We sit in this car, not knowing what’s going on in there, while the other young people are risking their lives to battle the forces of darkness.”
“And?”
“And that’s what
I
want to do, goddammit. I was investigating all of this fine on my own. I figured out who the Narrow Man was and I was putting it all together, piece by piece. Sure, I was doing it slowly, and I didn’t have all the pieces, but it was building to something. And now here I am – sidelined.”
“Hmm,” said Javier. “I notice at no time during that little monologue did you mention me.”
“Well, forgive me, but as of yet you haven’t done anything of particular note.”
“I was
there
,” said Javier, leaning in and jabbing the air, “every step of the way.”
“Except the beginning.”
“It’s my face that sonofabitch is using!”
“He probably figured you were done with it.”
Javier sat back, really pissed. “If you’re so determined to get yourself killed, why don’t you go get yourself killed? Why don’t you march in there and search the place for any abducted children?”
“Because they’re right,” Virgil said miserably. “I’m old.”
“And you don’t know what the hell you’re doing?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean you’re an actor, Virgil. You act. You pretend. You
do
remember that the show wasn’t real, right? You’ve never battled the forces of darkness in your life. You wouldn’t know where to start.”
“Maybe not, but back in the old days—”
“If this had happened back in the old days, you still wouldn’t have known where to start,” Javier said. “These kids are young, yeah, but this is what they do. Let them take care of it.”
“It just … it goes against the grain, you know?”
“Yeah, well, get over it. They’ve got their plans.”
“So you’re not even curious?”
“About what?”
“About why he chose your face.”
Javier hesitated, then shrugged. “He must appreciate fine faces. Probably opened a lot of doors for him.”
“Yeah,” said Virgil. “Maybe. But wouldn’t you like to find out?”
“Of course I would. But I’d like a lot of things.”
“Do you know why you weren’t a bigger star, Javier?”
Javier sighed. “If you mention goats one more time …”
“It’s because you had all these things you wanted, whether it was this relationship or that job or that role … but you were never bold enough to reach forward and take them. You’ve played it safe your entire life, and that’s what’s kept you back all this time.”
“I didn’t realise you knew me so well.”
“I’m a quick study. But it’s never too late to learn to seize the moment, Javier. Seize the moment and take the chance.”
“Cliché, cliché, cliché … This is why you’ve always needed a writer to put words in your mouth.”
“You might fail,” Virgil continued, “you might get rejected or scorned or, hell, even laughed at … but at least you took the chance.”
“I’ve lost track of what you’re trying to talk me into.”
“We have to go in there, make sure the Narrow Man hasn’t snatched another child.”
“That’s insane.”
“How will you feel if we find out there is a kid in there that we could have helped? A kid that we could have saved, if only we weren’t too cowardly?”
Javier sighed. “And will that shut you up?”
“Temporarily.”
“Then I’m all for it, you crazy bastard.”
They got out, zipping their coats up against the cold.
“Do we have weapons?” Javier asked.
“Only our wits.”
“So no, then.”
They crossed the street.
“Let’s sneak around back,” said Virgil.
“Good idea,” said Javier. “Put off our horrible deaths by another few minutes.”
“We’re not going to die,” Virgil said, lowering his voice now that they were passing round the side of the house. “If we’re discovered, we’ll just make something up. We’ll improvise.”
“You’re terrible at improvising.”
“Then you’ll improvise.”
“I’ll ask him if he’s found God.”
“Yes,” said Virgil. “Good.”
“Unless you think the mention of God would set him off? Considering who he works for.”
“Okay, we’ll avoid mentioning God. How about if we’re selling something? Like life insurance?”
“Who’s going to buy life insurance from two old bastards like us?”
“We’re not actually selling it, for crying out loud.”
“Still, though … How about if we’re selling encyclopaedias?”
“Fine, whatever.”
“No one buys encyclopaedias anymore,” said a voice right behind them.
Javier yelled and Virgil’s heart almost burst in his chest, and they spun awkwardly as Oscar Moreno walked towards them.
Moreno was all smiles. “People use the internet to find things out these days. Encyclopaedia salesmen would have been a bad cover, gentlemen, even if I didn’t know who you were. Now, you probably hear this all the time, but … but I am
such
a fan.”
“We know who
you
are, too,” said Javier. “And if anything happens to us your secret won’t be a secret any longer. There are people who know where we are.”