Desires (15 page)

“Have you never told anyone about it?”

“No…I just kept it all inside. I never really knew who I
could talk to.”

Stacie wiped away the tears, limp with remembered rage and
burning humiliation. She wished she had done something at the time, but she’d continued
to take the pain and the brainwashing. And, after a while, she had started to
believe what Graham told her, that it was all her own fault. That if she hadn’t
said such and such a thing, he would have no cause to lose his temper.

She sat back at the table and took a gulp of her wine. “Listen
to me going on about all my boring problems.”

“How can you say that, boring problems? My God, Stacie,
he really did a number on you, didn’t he?”

“Yes, but you don’t need to hear about it.” She cradled
her wine broodingly before taking another gulp. Maybe she should just get
totally hammered.

“Why shouldn’t I hear about it? You’ve been to hell and
back. You deserve to have your life back. He needs to be locked up. How can a
guy hurt a woman like that? Bloody hell Stacie—boring? And of course I need to
hear about it, it will help me to better understand your needs. Stacie,” he
leaned forward and caught her hand. “I want to help you. You can’t live your
life believing what he did was your fault. He was the one with the problem not
you. Did he work?”

“At first, but he got made redundant after we got
married. He said he was looking for work, but every time I asked him about it,
he got angry. Then I think he just stopped trying, if he was ever trying to
begin with. He used to say we were quite the modern couple, me being the
breadwinner and him being the house-husband.”

“My God, what a selfish…Oh my God, Stacie,” Dan said,
almost sputtering in his anger, compassion and pain for her shining from his
eyes.

“You haven’t heard the worst.”

“Tell me, Stacie.”

Stacie swallowed, turning her head to look at the floor as
she pictured that day. She didn’t really want to relive it—she’d tried her best
to forget it. But she couldn’t pass up this the opportunity to talk to someone.
Maybe talking would release the pain she had suffered since it had happened.

“I’d had a really shit day at work. It was raining and I
got totally soaked waiting outside all day to do an interview, only for the
person not to turn up. When I got home, thankfully, Graham was out. Probably with
his mates drinking and doing drugs that I paid for. I did all the jobs that
were on his list, made the house sparkle. I had a hot bath, and chilled out in front
of the television waiting for his arrival. It got late and I wasn’t able to
keep my eyes any longer open, so I headed to bed. I was woken by the front door
slamming, and heard more than just Graham’s voice. He’d brought friends round. I
wasn’t impressed as I was so shattered, I needed to sleep. I headed downstairs to
ask them to keep it down and was told to
fuck
off back to bed
, so I did.”

Stacie drew in a deep breath. Nausea roiled as she
remembered the events of that night. “I listened to them all laughing. They
were being exceptionally noisy but I couldn’t be bothered to confront them, so
I stayed where I was and dozed a bit. I managed to nod off then I heard the
bedroom door open. I thought it was Graham, finally coming to bed. But usually Graham
slept to my right side and this evening he was getting in on my left. I just figured
he’d been drinking and was more than likely pissed.”

A lump rose in her throat and she began to shake. She
took another long draught of the wine. Dan reached across the table to take
hold of her hand. “He began grabbing my breasts, pulling up my nightie. That
was what he always did, he got into bed and started to fondle me and then we
would have sex. But then I heard his voice. It wasn’t Graham. As I was about to
scream he filled my mouth with a cloth. He got on top of me and pinned me down
with my hands above my head, with one hand. I struggled, and tried to knee him,
but he was stronger than me. He used his spare hand to put his dick into me and
then started grabbing at my breasts, squeezing really hard. I had never been so
petrified. I just wanted him to stop.”

Stacie stared down to the table. Tears dropped onto her
abandoned plate and she forced herself to continue. “He started calling me
names, whore, slut, bitch. I couldn’t defend myself, I felt so weak. Then I
remember hearing the bedroom door open. I saw Graham. I thought he’d come to
rescue me. I thought he’d pull his friend off me and punch him, or something.
Instead he stood there watching with his other mate. They were laughing and
calling me names, encouraging him to rape me. Then he pulled out and I thought
it was over, but he moved up and knelt over my chest. He jerked himself off for
a few seconds then came all over my face. He climbed off and they were all
laughing at me. I pulled the gag out. I felt I was about to throw up, but I had
to get past them to get to the bathroom. They made me squeeze past them, making
cheering noises as I passed. Graham grabbed my breast and the other one slapped
my bottom.”

She scrubbed her tears from her face. “I went to the
toilet and was violently sick.”

Dan moved round the table and stood next to her, pulling
her to him where she sat. He stroked her hair as she nestled into his abdomen,
her arms curving round his back.

“Abominable. There is no other word for it.”

Stacie closed her eyes and snuggled into him, feeling
his warmth, and the rise and fall of his torso as he breathed. He bent over to
kiss her hair and stroked her back with one hand. Tears streamed down her face and
she let out a shuddering breath of release.

“He was a bastard, a man who didn’t appreciate something
so special.”

“I know that now. It’s taken me all this time to realise
it. Just telling you about that night has made me see what I suffered. I was so
vulnerable and I was an idiot for putting up with it for so long.”

Dan dropped down to kneel on the floor next to her, lifting
her chin to make eye contact. “You cannot blame yourself—he had you
brainwashed. They all should be locked up and hung by their balls. Men like
that make our society criminal. You’re brave, and haven’t anything to be
ashamed of, nothing in the slightest. My God, Stacie, to think you have gone
through all that and you are still here. He was lazy and a coward, relying on
you to do everything and then—bloody hell—to allow his mate to rape you while
he watched. He was sick and evil.”

Compassion glowed from his eyes and Stacie bowed her
head.

“And he didn’t just work his evil on you, but also your
family. I cannot believe your mother’s reaction. He controlled you utterly and
made you afraid of everything.”

“That’s what he was good at, he had me captured, a
player in his sadistic, vindictive game. The worst thing is that he’s probably
still up to his tricks with some other woman.”

“But you saw sense and for that you need a bravery award.
You are the bravest woman I have ever come across and you deserve my full
respect.”

“I’m hardly brave.”

“No, you listen to me. What you have been through and
what other women are going through needs to be recognised. Women aren’t servants,
you aren’t here to be at a man’s beck and call, you should to be treated with
respect. We live in a new century and men who treat women like that should be
made to change their ways.” He dragged his chair round close to Stacie’s and
sat in it so their knees touched. He took both her hands in his. “You’re
amazing, Stacie, you truly are. You should be proud of what you managed to do
to get yourself out, not ashamed of the circumstances that caused it. I would
imagine it’s probably the hardest thing you had ever had to do. I gather there
are no children?”

“No,” she whispered. “But there nearly was. He beat me
again and I lost it.”

Dan’s head dropped and he could not look at her. After a
minute, a tear dropped to their joined hands. “I have no words. I can’t begin
to imagine what you went through,” he said finally, looking up, his eyes
red-rimmed.

Stacie felt a sudden surge of rage against Graham
blacker than she had ever felt. Why didn’t she see the signs before? Why had
she left it so long? She should have gone after that first beating.

After a while Stacie raised her head and looked into his
sad brown eyes. “I’m sorry. I never meant to burden you with all this.”

“Don’t ever apologise. I’m humbled you have told me. You
deserve something in return. I could lose my job over this, but you deserve
nothing less than total respect and honesty.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“I want to. I believe I can trust you, and I want you to
trust me. He robbed you of your confidence and for you to come back from that
at all shows me what type of person you are. I think you’re the bravest person
I have ever met and it deserves to be recognised.”

“I didn’t tell you for sympathy.”

“I know. You told me because you needed to talk about
it. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger.”

He poured them both a fresh glass of wine. Stacie took a
sip of hers, then jumped up.

“If you’ve finished, I’ll just clear away these dishes,”
Stacie said, unsure where to take the conversation next.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll do it,” Dan insisted, taking her
plate out of her hand.

Stacie watched him for a second before standing up to go
to the bathroom.

Stacie wetted a tissue and scrubbed at the mascara
stains under her eyes. She looked a mess. Dan was an enigma. One minute he
seemed like a typical selfish man with all his talk about just wanting sex with
no commitment, the next he was kind and considerate, holding her and listening
as she sobbed her heart out over Graham. But then maybe he was just a normal
young man having fun with his life, and her sense of what was normal had been
warped by her experiences with Graham. Weren’t all young men sexually selfish
to some degree? Was it selfish to not want to settle down too young? And what
right did she have to judge his choices anyway?

What did he want to tell her? She was eager to find out
more about him, especially as it was forbidden. But what was the point, if
there was no possible chance of a relationship or even friendship at the end of
the weekend? At least she’d had an opportunity to talk to someone about Graham,
although that wasn't why she’d come. Or maybe it was. She’d come here to regain
her confidence sexually, and maybe talking about what had caused her to lose
that confidence was part of it. Poor Dan—he hadn’t signed up to be a
counsellor.

Chapter
Five

Stacie headed back into the bedroom. Dan had moved to
the bed, lying back against the plumped-up pillows with his glass in his hand.
She saw he’d put hers on the bedside table on the other side. She climbed on
the bed to sit next to him, and picked up her own glass.

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Stacie tried hard to stop her relief from showing on her
face. “You don’t need to tell me.”

“I want to tell you. My day job is IT support and
computer repair. It’s not very interesting. I do this job for some fun extra
cash. I do enjoy it, although it has its moments like any job. And when I’m not
working I hang out with my mates, play football, and drive my car. That’s all.
I’m quite dull really.”

They sat on the bed talking. Dan regaled her with
stories about his childhood, school-days and university. Stacie listened
avidly.

“At university, I had an alter ego called The Yellow
Ninja. The only person who knew it was me was a friend,” he said.

“And what did The Yellow Ninja do?”

“Basically, The Yellow Ninja would go places he wasn’t
supposed to, and my friend would take a picture of me in these places and then
we’d post it on my website,” Dan said, a smile cracking his face. “It all
started when my friend bet me I couldn’t climb onto a roof. I didn’t want to
get caught, so I borrowed a costume from the drama department when they’d done
some mad play with a custard monster in it. So there was me dressed in yellow
trousers and a yellow jumper wearing a yellow balaclava doing
The Thinker
on the drama studio roof. My
mate posted it on the SU website and it went viral. Everyone was sharing it and
the university management went ballistic. They demanded to know who it was and
of course no one knew. I thought it’d be funny to take a few more pictures of
The Yellow Ninja in a few more places and it really took off. I created a
website and I started to get issued with challenges.”

“What do you mean, challenges?”

“Well, one time someone wanted me to gatecrash their
lecture so I dressed up and ran screaming through the lecture hall. I have
pictures of me pretty much everywhere in that university I wasn't supposed to
be.”

“What was the scariest one?”

“Breaking into the Vice-Chancellor’s office,” Dan said
promptly. “That was pretty cool though—I got a picture of me lounging at his
desk doing a thumbs-up.”

“And they never caught you?”

“Nope. The Yellow Ninja was a legend. And to this day no
one knows who he was, except me and my mate. And now you.”