Desired Affliction (11 page)

How could I fix her broken heart? My love for her is just
as strong as it was. I miss her like crazy and I wish more than anything that I
could just hold her. I haven’t talked to Hope since the day I kicked her out of
my room. I have no desire to see her or be around her. It isn’t for the lack of
her trying because she does all the time. She has just gotten so much easier to
ignore. I haven’t been with anyone and all I do is think about Lexi and her
sweet smile.

I needed to get out of here. I pushed up off the couch
and grabbed my keys. I wasn’t sure where I was going I just knew I needed some
air. When I pulled up in front of Lexi’s dorm and saw her car in the lot my
heart raced. Okay so what do I do next?

I wasn’t exactly sure how I made my way out of my car and
into her building but here I am standing in front of her dorm room trying to
gather the courage to knock. Stop being a pussy Kole…just do it.

Knock..Knock

I felt like such a fucking girl because when she opened
the door my knees felt weak. She changed her hair but she was still gorgeous
and the way all the layers fell around her face just made her more sexy…I
really didn’t think that was possible but as I stand here in her doorway
looking into her eyes I felt it and yes…definitely sexier.

“Hey baby, how are you?” Okay Kole way to go what a
pathetic line…that is all I could come up with. “Hi”, she looked so nervous.
She raised her hand up and I noticed what she was holding, “I was um…just
reading your note. I just found the courage to open it…finally.” Did I hear her
right she hadn’t read it until now? All this time I just thought she didn’t
care.

She stepped aside, “Do you want to come in?” Play it cool
Kole, “Sure…Thanks.” The familiar scent of her engulfed the room. I tried to
take a deep breath in to savor it without being too obvious. She squeezed
passed me and I couldn’t resist I grabbed her waist and pulled her close. She
didn’t object so that was a good sign, “I miss you Lexi…I feel like I can’t
breathe.” I whispered into her ear as I rested my mouth into her neck. I felt
her take a deep breath and I knew she was letting what I said sink in. I just
held her close because I actually felt like I was never going to get another
chance to do it and I wanted it to last.

She slowly turned and faced me, “Do you still love me or
did you let me go?” I look into Lexi’s beautiful eyes and the question that she
is asking sparks a small hope within me. I rested my forehead against hers,
“There is no way I could let you go Lexi. I am so in love with you and I hate
myself for hurting you baby…I am so sorry.” My lip trembled as I fought the
emotion and then I felt her lips touch mine. I let her control the pace and it
was so sweet and gentle. I felt her tears against my lip as they dripped
between our kiss. She pulled back and I wrapped my arms around her, “I love you
Lexi…so much. I want you back and I will do whatever it takes to make that
happen…whatever you need.” I felt her crying into my chest and I just held her
close.

“I l-lov-ve y-you too, I m-miss you K-kole”, she cried
into my neck. She loves me…she fucking loves me. She misses me and she loves
me. She pulled back to look at me. I hated to see her red tear stained face
because I caused it. She was still beautiful but it killed me when she cried.
It gutted me to see her scared or sad. Her lower lip trembled and I just wanted
to kiss it but I held back. “You really hurt me Kole. You scared me and the
things you said broke my heart…and when I saw you with Hope…that was horrible.
I hate that she touched you and you touched her.” Her tears ran so heavy, “Shh
baby don’t cry. Please Lexi…I love you. I screwed up so badly and I am so
sorry. I never slept with her…I kicked her out after you walked out. I know
that doesn’t fix anything and the fact that it went as far as did can never be
erased. I can just promise you from this day on that nothing like that will
ever happen again…ever. No matter what is going on I will never hurt you
purposely again.”

I just wanted to stand there and hold her. I knew it was
going to be rough to get back to where we were I knew that I had to earn her
trust again. I also knew that I was going to do everything I could to make it
happen.

(Lexi)

Kole and I talked for over an hour and it was hard
because recreating what I saw between him and Hope brought up such raw emotion
that I still wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I couldn’t let go of the fact
that if we hadn’t shown up he would have slept with her. I told him I needed
time because it still bothered me that he could do that so easily. I decided to
focus on me and my group sessions. I wanted to work on my insecurities and
fears. I wanted to be a better me.

Kole agreed to give me the time I need but I could tell
by his expression he wanted more.

I continued going to group therapy and decided to start
speaking one on one with a Counselor. I knew I would no longer be able to hide
behind the others in the group…I would have to talk about me.

“Good afternoon Lexi…please have a seat,” the women was
middle aged with blond hair and glasses. She was tall and slim and seemed
friendly enough, “So how are you feeling today?” Nervous like I want to grab my
bag and sneak back out of this room pretending that I never agreed to this,
“I’m fine…thanks.” I could tell she picked up on my nervous energy. After all
it’s her job and she was watching me like I was about to sprout wings and fly
around the room. “Okay so I am really nervous,” I finally admitted biting my
inner cheek.

“Call me Gail and it is okay to be nervous, or scared. It
is completely normal to want to scream or cry or even run. You came here
because you feel that you’re ready to talk about what happened and that in
itself is a huge accomplishment…so were just going to talk. We will talk about
everything and anything you want. You can start wherever you would like…I am
here to listen and anything you say in this room is completely confidential and
will always be kept that way,” I let out a deep breath…I can do this.

“Thank you…I don’t know where to start I guess maybe when
I was twelve…my dad left. He ran off with his secretary and three month later
my mother got divorce papers in the mail. So it had been just her and I since
then but uh…I haven’t talked to her in months.” Gail mainly listened with the
occasional question about something I may have said that she wanted me to
explain a little further. I sat in her office for almost an hour and it went by
so quickly. We talked about my father and how I felt abandoned like he didn’t
love me. When my hour was up I could have kept talking…for once I wanted to. I
had a sense of security with her and I really liked it.

Over the next week and a half I had met with Gail on
Monday’s and Friday’s. I shared so many things with her. I could talk freely
and she listened it was almost like talking to Megan. We had discussed the
party and Matt vaguely but I knew today was the day that I would have to go
further. I had reached that point…

I cried so hard as the details of that day poured out of
me…

“He pretended to like me. He spent an entire month being sweet
and saying all the right things. I was so stupid to believe him. If I just
would have opened my eyes I would have seen that I wasn’t the only girl he
flirted with. I just liked the attention from Mr. All-star. The way the other
girls looked at me when he would put his arm around or hold my hand…made me
feel important.” I took a deep breath as I grabbed a tissue, “Why I went to
cabin with him that night alone…I still can’t answer that. I had no intentions
of having sex with him. I was a virgin and the thought of it was scary. I guess
I thought maybe we could kiss and if I felt like it was going too far we could
just go back to the party but when he locked the door and looked at me…I
instantly regretted it. It was like he changed he wasn’t the sweet guy that had
been flirting with me. He became evil…hateful and aggressive. When he kissed me
the first time I tried to pull away but he just pulled me to him tighter. I
told him to stop.”

I could picture Matt’s face as I told Gail about that
night. I instantly got the chills as I continued, “He smiled but it was such a
sadistic smile. When he grabbed me I started to scream but he covered my mouth
and pushed me onto the bed.” Reliving everything from that night emotionally
drained me.

Gail spent a little extra time with me and we talked
about how to move forward and how to let go. I left feeling exhausted and I
just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep everything away.

Kole and I talked a few times through the week on the
phone but with my emotional sessions and the fact that I was overwhelmed with
exhaustion I felt that seeing him right now would just be too much. I needed
time for me and I had to sort through everything on my own.

(Kole)

I really was trying to respect the fact that Lexi needed
some time to herself. I hated that I couldn’t see her. I missed her like hell
and I felt like each day she got further away from me.

“Hi Kole how are you doing?” I looked up from the
Television to see Megan standing next to Radley. “Hey Meg. I’m alright I guess.
I think Lexi is avoiding me though. I’ve tried to call her three times and she
won’t answer. Maybe I screwed it up too bad to be fixed.” I shrugged and turned
back to the TV feeling sorry for myself. They both walked toward me and sat on
the couch, “Kole she’s not avoiding you…she has been seeing a counselor and
going to group.” I turned to Radley with my mouth slightly open in shock. After
the way she freaked out when you suggested it before I never expected her to
agree to that.

“Counseling? Since when?” There was an ache in the pit of
my stomach. Lexi didn’t even say anything to me about it. “For almost three
weeks now…it’s been really hard Kole but she is actually talking more and
hurting less. It’s been tough on her…maybe she didn’t say anything because she
wanted to be able to show you that it was helping her. She isn’t avoiding you
Kole,” I trusted Megan but I still felt like Lexi was a million miles away from
me.

I haven’t been able to see her and I can’t ever get her
on the phone…

I got up from the couch and went to my room.

‘I miss you Lex…can I see you?’

I felt like such a whipped pussy sitting on the side of
my bed with my phone in my hand. I stared at the screen waiting for a
response…anything. I felt like forever had passed before the screen lite up…

‘I miss you but tonight isn’t good I had a long day
and now I just feel like going to bed. Sorry soon though I promise’

Fuck…I fought the urge to smash my phone against the
wall.

‘Okay it really sucks not being around you…I feel like
you’re drifting away’

I let my thumb hover over the send button before finally
touching the screen.

‘Sorry I don’t mean to. I’m just dealing with some
things and I’ll tell you about it soon. I want to see you too…maybe this
weekend?’

There was no maybe about it…I was definitely going to see
her. I had to fix this distance between us because it was driving insane and I
didn’t care anymore how big of a pussy it made me. I needed Lexi and I wanted
her back in my life.

Friday was less stressful I felt good about how far I had
come with Gail. I let it all out my fears, my regrets…everything. Walking out
her office after my session felt liberating…I felt like a little piece of the
old Lexi just reappeared and it was time that I start living again and going after
what I wanted. It was time to face the fact that what happened to me was not my
fault and I wouldn’t let Matt control my choices any longer. I wouldn’t let him
invade my mind. He didn’t deserve to be a part of my life in any way any
longer.

I left the Community Center with a new sense of freedom.
I was searching through my purse for my keys when I heard my name, “Lexi.” I
looked up to find Kole walking in my direction and he looked so handsome. I
found myself admiring his features as he approached. His hair was slightly
tousled from the light breeze and his eyes were so gorgeous…almost hypnotizing.
The slight lift of his mouth as it curled into a sweet smile. He wore a tight
gray T-shirt with a jacket thrown over it and I could see his chest ripple beneath
it. As he reached me I could smell his cologne and I caught myself closing my
eyes slightly to breathe him in. I slowly opened them to find Kole standing
before me as he continued to smile at me showing the dimple in his left cheek.

He looked over my shoulder to the Community center, “How
did it go?” I knew at that minute someone had told him about my therapy, “Which
one told you Radley or Megan?” He reached out and ran his hand over my arm then
grabbing my hand to hold it. “Radley did but don’t be mad at him…I’m proud of
you its’ a big step.” He lifted my hand to his lips placing of light kiss on my
knuckles, “Can we go do something…anything? I really want to spend some time
with you Lex. I miss you.”

I couldn’t say no because I wanted to spend time with him
also. I had pushed away to give myself time and now I just wanted to be near
him. I wanted to talk to him and have his arms around me…I had missed him so
much but I knew I had to start healing. He followed me back to the dorms to
drop off my car.

“What sounds good…pizza?” He was watching me closely. I
smiled at him in reassurance that I was doing good, “Pizza’s fine Kole.” Once
we got there and they led us to the booth I slid in. Kole stood at the end
looking down at me, “Can I sit next to you?” I nodded up at him as he slid in
and the feel of his body up against mine mixed with his cologne was
hypnotizing. I have missed him and his touch. After we got together and I grew
to trust him his touch became a soothing feeling and no longer a fear. I stopped
being terrified of it and began craving it…a desperate need to have him near
and to feel his embrace. I took a few deep breathes to fight back the need.
Leaning into me he whispered, “Are you okay?” The feel of his breath on my neck
pulled at me even more. I turned into him and brought my face to his. Our lips
were so close and he was watching my mouth, “I miss you so much Kole. You are
the only person who can touch me and I don’t fear it.” I placed my lips gently
to his. The kiss was so sweet and lingering.