Descent From Grace: A Luxe Novella Book 1.5 (24 page)

Putting her hand to his chest, she dolefully said, “You’ve been distant.”

He snickered, “No I haven’t. I’ve been with you more than—” Catching himself, he abruptly stopped and reassessed what he was saying. “Not.”

Taking half a step back, she complained, “It’s not enough.” Her arms folded over her chest, drawing his attention.

He stared at her cleavage, comparing hers to Lilith’s. He couldn’t help think her fake breasts lacked what Lilith’s perky, full chest had.

She pulled him from his compare and contrast daze by saying, “I want to move in together.”
He responded with the first thing that came to mind. “I’m not ready for that.”
  “When will you be? You told me we were going to start moving forward, babe.”
  “I didn’t say that!” he scoffed.

  “You told me a few months ago. Before—” Her eyes drifted away. “Everything that happened, happened.”
  “You could have died, Karen.” His stare held contempt and disgust. “I know I don’t want to lose you, but I’m not ready to settle down, especially after that. I love you, Kare, but you need to take care of yourself before we can be together forever.”
  “Oh god, Ian!” she huffed, turning away from him. “Just because it’s marriage doesn’t mean it’s forever! I can still divorce you. I can still leave. Marriage proves our connection, it doesn’t guarantee a forever.” She reached out for his stomach.
Stopping her from touching him, he told her, “We don’t have a connection anymore.” He watched her face contort. “You need to help yourself before we can even get back to where we were. You still talk about killing yourself and you almost died from this shit. You said you’d work on it, but you’re not. You didn’t take your pills the whole time you were at my place. You’re not trying.”
A gasp left her because she never expected him to say they didn’t have a bond.

  “I am.” Her tone was restrained like she was fighting back tears.

  “I just wanted to see you,” he muttered. “Have a good day at work.” Leaning in, he quickly kissed her forehead. “Get out with your friends or something. You haven’t gone out in a while.”
While he stood in the hallway, she wistfully stared at him. Staring back, he wished he could just drop the woman, leave her for good for Lilith, but it scared him to death to imagine what she’d do.

  “Love you,” he mumbled, heading to the elevator.

Going the long way back to the condo, he arrived just before nine. Lilith was showered, dressed, and had breakfast waiting.

  “I was getting worried about you,” she said as he walked through the door.

Seeing her immediately filled the hole he felt in his chest; he grabbed her, kissing her the way he did Karen. It was there, it was there every time he kissed her and there was no doubt it would always remain.

He’s deluded Himself

I’m so happy in Lily’s arms and when Karen touches me, I barely notice. I stare into Karen’s sad blue eyes and they’re always screaming for help; I’m always throwing life rings, but she’s drifting further away. I don’t know why, but that scares me.

I don’t want to stop kissing Lily but I’m starving and she made a ton of food that smells incredible.
  “Did you eat already?” I ask, sitting.
  “I’m not hungry. I thought I was but I can’t even keep a grape down.” Her smile turns downward and I pull her into my lap.
  “You’re sure you want to marry me?” I ask and she looks at me like I’m fucking crazy.
  “Of course. I said yes.” She holds up her hand, flaunting her ring.
  “Marriage is forever,” I say, waiting for a very similar response as Karen’s.
  “What do you mean?”
  “I mean if you and I get married, that’s all there is. I will be with you forever. Don’t you agree? You don’t want to get married and count down the days to a divorce, do you?”
  “No.” She kisses me softly. “If I marry you it’s because I want to be with you forever. I know it’s a secret to most of the world, but this isn’t something I want to fail at or give up on like most of the things I’ve done in my life.”
I scoff, “Like what?”

She’s not a failure.
  “School for one.” She’s smiling like she misses it. “Sanity.” She chuckles.

I open my mouth to say something, but she puts her finger to my lips.

  “You and I are connected and it will be forever, especially when we’re married. You sure you’re up for that? What if one day I can’t take your relationship with Karen anymore?”
  “Then she’s gone,” I say with no hesitation or remorse because it’s obvious Lily is the right girl for me, and it’s obvious I’m a selfish prick for not committing fully to only her.

  “You say that, Ian, but it’s not true. I know you love her and you somehow feel responsible for her. You don’t feel like that with me, do you?” There’s sad worry on her face that I don’t want her to feel.
  “No,” I lie. “I want you. For the rest of my life. I don’t feel I owe you anything.” That last sentence is a lie. “I don’t want to lose Karen, but I won’t lose you.” I kiss her shoulder and somehow she smiles.

How can you smile at that? If she said it to me, I’d probably flip the table. God, she really is the most amazing person I’ve ever met, so why can’t I get rid of Karen? It might be because I know Lily will never make me. Don’t get me wrong, having sex with two different women is nice, but the sex I have with Lily is amazing enough to satiate me, but I’m not going to give up the variety if I don’t have to.
  “We’ll make this work.” She kisses my cheek and gets up. The past two days she’s happier than she’s been the past couple weeks since Barbados and unfortunately I’m looking forward to terminating the pregnancy now because I see what the difference would be. My Freyja will be back.

  “Dr. Russo called your phone, baby.” She brings me my cellphone and I wonder if she’s gone through my texts. Not that I’m hiding anything; the only things that would upset her would be my texts to Karen, but those aren’t a secret.
  “Did you talk to him? I’m assuming it’s about today.” I look at her.
  “I have not spoken to him. He suggested coming with me, but I don’t need that. Does he know about us?”
  “I didn’t tell him.” I shrug, listening to the voicemail. “It was about today,” I confirm with a nod. “I think he might know, but I didn’t tell him.”
  “Baby.” She grabs my face in her soft hands and I can smell her peach hand lotion. “I want you all to myself, I really do, but if you don’t stop this, Karen will find out and in the end it’s going to cause a lot of heartache and grief for all of us. Please stop being careless. I told you I don’t want to hurt her or torture her. You need to really think about what you’re doing. I’d love to flaunt you as my fiancé, but I won’t, so please stop flaunting it to other people that you have a fiancée and a girlfriend. It’s really dick.”
  “I don’t mean to.” I kiss her thumb and turn back to the table. “I’m gonna be more careful.” That’s a lie. I probably won’t because it’s hard not to show off Lily as being mine.

The two hour drive is agonizing, for me. She’s silently mouthing along to . . . I don’t even know what. I can’t focus on music right now; I’m about to have my son or daughter violently removed from her stomach. Fuck me, why’d I agree to this? Did I even have a choice? It really seemed like I didn’t, but maybe if I tried harder.

I look over at her and she’s staring out the window still singing to some depressing shit. Unintentionally, I lunge at the radio, turning it off. I don’t know why I reacted so harshly, but the music was much more depressing than my mood. She snaps her head to look at me then reaches her hand out and softly rubs my arm. I’m trying to smile, but I can’t; I can’t unfurl my brows or move the tight line my lips are pressed in. Her hand is on my knee and she’s softly, quietly singing with no music. This is much more soothing; she can really sing and I wish she did it more. I slide my hand over hers and I’m starting to relax a little.

***

This fucking place is a hell; the staff is very friendly, but every female in this office has shame all over her face. I don’t know what they’re so ashamed of. If you’re not sure then you shouldn’t be here. They’re all younger, well younger than me at least. There’s three other males here and two have hoodies on with their hoods up, sleeping in the chair next to the woman they’re with, and the third is loudly on his cellphone with his ‘homeboy’.

My leg is bouncing nervously. I really wish I would have read over the pamphlet they mailed Lily. I wish I would have asked her questions or something. She puts her hand on my knee to stop my bouncing and she’s softly rubbing. I should be consoling her, not the other way around.

They call her name and my heart thuds to a stop briefly. She stands, and like a robot I follow suit. It’s like I’m not my own man and I’m being controlled by a puppeteer. Thankfully too because I would have been in the lobby still. The nurse is talking, but I’m not listening; I’m looking around the mauve accented room. It’s grossly feminine, like my mom’s bathroom.

  “So we’re going to take her for the screening now and she going to be administered the meds. It’s going to be four or more hours, so if you want to leave, feel free. We’ll contact you if it’s sooner, but four hours is usually the minimum.” The nurse is staring at me.
  “What do you mean?” I stand. “I can’t stay with her?” I glance at Lily; I don’t think she realized this either.

  “No, I’m sorry, it can only be Lilith.” She smiles nicely, like I’m just going to be like ‘well okay, later!’ Fuck that! I’m not some punk who knocked up his teenage girlfriend! They are not taking her for four hours and I have no fucking clue what is going on! This is fucking ridiculous!

  “No, I’m going to stay with her!” I snap and look at Lily who puts her hand on my arm.
  “I’ll be fine, Ian,” she says quietly.
  “Fuck that!” I protest and loudly, kind of crazily. “Let’s go, Lily. Now.” I can’t believe I said that. Shit, I shouldn’t have said that.

  “She’ll be fine.” The nurse smiles and takes Lily’s hand.

Lily’s face is bright red and I think it’s from anger from my outburst. The nurse is taking her from the room and I see her motion to a security guard; I’m assuming that’s for me so I better chill the fuck out before I cause a bigger scene.

  “Wait!” I blurt, grabbing Lily’s other hand and pull her into my arms to hug her tightly.

She doesn’t hug me at first, and I know she’s mad, but I think she can either hear or feel my pounding heart. It’s trying to get out of my chest and go with her. She wraps her arms around me and we hug for a quick minute, then I softly kiss her and she’s gone.

I sit in this hole for five fucking hours. I’ve done nothing but stare at the ground and occasionally respond to a text from Ashley, who’s done a hell of a job worrying me more than I already am. It’s almost five and we got here around eleven, so I finally go up to the desk.
  “Can you check on my wife? Lilith Tudor. She’s been back there five hours.” I’m staring at the paperwork in front of this nurse, or whatever she is, and she’s staring at me. “Miss?” I blurt and she seems to come down from cloud fucking nine or wherever the fuck her feeble brain took her.
  “Uh, Tudor?”
  “Yes, Lilith Tudor.”

  “Have a seat.” She smiles at me.

The joke of a security guard has watched me the entire time I’ve been here. It’s not like I’m going to bomb the fuckin’ place or hold hostages until they release my wife. I just want the fuck out of here and never to come back to a place like this again. I swear to God I’ll be abstinent the rest of my life if I have to. I just want out of here!

I see the girl behind the desk sit back down, but she doesn’t look at me. I stand to go ask what the fuck she’s been doing if she doesn’t have anything to tell me, but the door opens. My head snaps left and a nurse is slowly walking Lily out. I jump over a row of chairs to get to her; there could have been people in them, I wouldn’t give a fuck. The nurse looks at me and she’s not all smiles now, probably because of my behavior five hours ago, but she releases Lily to me.

Lily tightly grabs my arm and turns to the nurse. “Thank you,” she says, but doesn’t sound like herself.

I want to pick her up and carry her, but I won’t. Without touching them, we battle our way through picketers holding antiabortion signs with pictures of discarded fetuses. They’re all condemning her to hell and I want to choke one woman following us to our car. The security guard from inside, Captain Doucher, comes out and gets the woman to leave us alone. At least he was good for something.

I want answers, I want to know what she went through, but it’s clear she doesn’t want to talk. She had me lay her in the back seat and she’s curled up with her eyes closed. Feeling helpless, I’m sweating and trembling.

LUXE 6

The following day she was up and moving, but seemed distant. The slight pain she was in was nothing compared to the mental suffering. That evening, she sat at the table and Ian stared at her, watching her slowly eat the chili he made the prior day when she wanted nothing to do with him after they got home from the appointment.
  “Did you book the date for Saturday?” She looked at him.

He hadn’t, he’d forgotten about it and he still didn’t think she’d be up for it.

  “You think you’ll be ready for that?”

  “For what?” She sounded defensive.

More than in Her head

I don’t know if he’s talking about sex or if he thinks I should stay in bed for a month, like he tried to make me do today. I did too much today, but it was only because he kept insisting I lay back down. I’d really like to go home and be with my mom, but there’s no way I will ever tell her about this. I’m really looking forward to seeing her Sunday.

She miscarried when I was thirteen and I think it’s because my dad was a drunk and the problem was on the Y chromosome of things. Anyway, I remember her being miserable for a week, but she found me crying in my room over it and she immediately went back to being my mom and sucked up her anguish to take care of fucked up Lily. This is completely different, I know that, but I just think if I see her it’ll help me feel stronger.

Ian is actually making my healing process worse by trying to keep me in bed. I know he’s scared, maybe he’s mad, I don’t know. I don’t want him upset with me, but at the moment I couldn’t care less. I have to get through this without cutting.

  “Being on your feet that much,” he says, staring at me like I have a growth coming out of my head.
  “I’ll be fine.” I grab his hand and give him a gentle squeeze. “I’m ready, okay?” I stare into his dual colored eyes, recalling all the things I’ve studied the many times I’ve stared into them.

We haven’t talked about anything; we’ve barely talked at all. I don’t want to. I don’t want to know how he’s feeling because I’m afraid it’ll make me feel worse. When he remains silent, I feel I need to press on.
  “I’m ready to move on and get back to how things were. Move forward with our lives.”
  “You ready to get married?” He smirks and I’m relieved that seems to be the end of the abortion conversation.
  “Yes, we’ll start looking into marriage licenses and whatever.”
  “I did,” he blurts and I look at him surprised. “And I’ve been looking at locations.”
  “Locations for what?”
  “To have the wedding.”
  “Wedding? I kind of thought we’d go to the courthouse in front of Ashley and Caesar or something.”
  “I want your family there, my father and his girlfriend can be there, Ashley, Caesar, Mitch—”
I uncomfortably chuckle. “Ian, that’s not discreet, baby.”
  “All the people I just named have nothing to do with Karen. How many family members do you have that would attend?”
  “I have no idea,” I fumble. “I mean Peachey has her brother and few cousins, but, Ian, I don’t talk to them really. I don’t know. That’s just not what I was thinking. I thought this would be more private.”
  “You don’t want them to know?” He narrows his eyes slightly as if he’s suspecting I have other plans like bringing other men around my mom’s family.

I don’t associate with them. I saw my uncle Rick over two months ago and that was the first time since my dad died. I just don’t have much to do with them. They’ve always thought I was weird and I don’t think they ever liked my dad.

  “It’s not that. I just don’t have family like that.”
  “Your mother then.”
I’m staring at the table, this is too much for right now.

  “Please let me work Saturday.” I change the subject and he’s staring at me disapprovingly, but he nods and leaves the table with his phone.

I dream all night, dreams of my real mother and father and I’m chasing them through the city because they want to abandon me. Every natural disaster hits me, but I battle through just to be with them and they keep running farther and farther. A tornado sucks me up and it startles me awake. I jump and grab Ian’s wrist to which he puts his arm around me sleepily and pulls me close. I have no problem going back to sleep, but just to dream again.

I’m feeling better, but irritable because I barely slept and Ian won’t let me do anything for myself. It’s really starting to frustrate me to no end.
  “Go to work.” I stare him dead in the eyes. “Get out of the house. Please leave. Just give me a few hours, Ian. I can’t deal with you right now.” I’m trying to be nice and calm, but the aggravated word ‘fuck’ is blaring in my head loudly.

  “I’ll go for a run.” I think he realizes I’m serious.

*LUXE*

Saturday afternoon, Lilith concealed her excitement for her date with Justin while she got ready.

  “Do you want to fill me in on what I should wear today? What’s he requested?”
With a shrug and disgruntlement, Ian muttered, “He wants you to wear your normal clothes.”

  “What are we doing? Do I wear a dress? Pants? Ian, can you help me out here? This isn’t a date, it’s a job and I want to do it right!” she snapped.

He looked up from the computer screen where he was looking up venues to have the wedding she was putting no effort into.

  “I’m sorry, baby.” He closed the screen. “Tonight’s just a one on one dinner. A few hours, maybe, so wear a dress.”
  “What dress do you think?” She walked to the bedroom. “What do you do with the clothes the girls wear on the dates? Do they give them back?”
  “They bring them in and put them in the closet. We usually try to recycle, but most of the girls aren’t the same size. For you I have to buy all new clothes. You’re the smallest in the waist.”

She thought back to when she was feeling an overwhelming jealousy towards Tash. “Tash has a tiny waist.”
  “I don’t know what size she is.” He turned toward the closet. “I’ve gotten him to pay way more than normal and if he’ll keep paying like this we’ll be running him dry. And I’m okay with that. He usually has a date three times a month so if he uses you three times a month you won’t need any other clients. He’s looking for a woman that his collogues buy is his girlfriend. I think he might even be gay because as long as I’ve known him, he’s never had a real girlfriend and he’s always used Luxe. I was thinking he just likes to fuck a lot of women, but now I think he’s gay.” He stared at the door contemplatively; he was telling himself that.

  “Mmm,” Lilith hummed in disagreement, but she wasn’t going to voice her opinion. “Well, I hope it works out. It’d be nice to get a steady client and only working three days a month.” She smiled with a chuckle.

He smiled, kissing her. “My pretty girl shouldn’t have to work.”
  “But I do. What am I going to do when I can’t do this anymore?”

  “You’ll be doing this for a long time if you want, baby. It’s easy work. Sometimes the girls have problems, but that’s usually only the ones that have sex with the clients and that’s not you.” He gave her a satisfied smile. “So mindless conversation every once and a while should be easy.”

Backing her against the closet door, he kissed her chin and she put her arms around his neck. As his mouth traveled down her jaw to below her ear a pull between her legs gave her an excruciating cramp, making her wince and bend with a groan.

  “Lily!” Ian blurted.

Holding her stomach, she moaned out a painful, “ugh,” and slowly wandered to the bed. “Please don’t arouse me, Ian.” Still holding her stomach, she let out a careful chuckle. “It’s not good.”

The sadness and fear on his face made her affectionately smile at him.

  “It’s just a cramp, baby. Let’s just keep our distance for now because all I can think about is what’s in your pants.” Her eyes flashed to the bulge in his jeans.

Turning his back to her, he stared into the closet with annoyance she was going to go on the date and was clearly in pain.

  “This is fine.” He pulled a red dress from the closet. Looking over his shoulder, he said with hopefulness, “Lily, if you’re not up—”
She lifted her hand to shut him up. “I’m fine. I’m gonna take a shower.”

Ian went through her shoes while she showered and found a pair he liked. Even though Justin was overwhelmingly attracted to his fiancée, and he knew it, he wanted his business. He figured that at some point he would inform Justin that Lilith was his wife. He always viewed him as an upstanding guy so he was confident Justin wouldn’t step over any boundaries. He’d still be getting what he would need anyway: positive recognition that the ‘playboy’ had a steady girlfriend.

Intending on Tony being Lilith’s main driver, he grabbed her phone to program Tony’s phone number, noticing Shaun had text her the previous day.

SHAUN
:
This week can’t go fast enough. I’m looking forward to seeing that smile in nine days

The fact she didn’t respond made him feel a little better, but he knew that didn’t mean her plans were cancelled. A quiet growl of frustration left him. He had no intentions of seeing Karen the entire week, but after reading the text, he needed to see her that evening.

While Lilith did her makeup, he walked into the bathroom. “Lily.” She glanced at him in the mirror. “Tony is your speed dial one, you know to call him if any problems, right?”
  “Problems like what? And I didn’t know I should call him.” She turned to face him.
  “If a man is aggressive or too suggestive, any problems. If you want out of the date, always call him. I don’t want you to go through something you don’t want to. Tony is always prepared and he’s always waiting for you close by. Sometimes you might even see him watching you. It’s the same with all the girls.” He neglected to mention it’d be more so with her than any of the other girls though.
  “Are you going to have him watch tonight?”
  “No,” he let out a scoff. “I know Justin, I trust him. The only hand he lays on the girls is to portray to someone she’s his girlfriend. He won’t kiss you or touch you anywhere other than your arm or back, and he may hold your purse, but he’s respectful of your space and body.” His eyes drifted away briefly like he was thinking that over.
  “Good, then I shouldn’t need Tony.” Lilith smiled.

  “This is technically your first date as his potential girlfriend so that’s how you’re supposed to act.”
  “Like it’s our first real date that could lead into us seeing each other exclusively?”
  “Sort of.” He didn’t like how it sounded. “Just first date, baby.” He kissed her head, leaving the bathroom, irritated for several reasons.

***

Ian was gone before Tony arrived and Lilith didn’t have to ask where he was going, she already knew.

  “Lily, can I get a pop?” Tony called to her. She smirked; their routine would be a norm.
  “Go ahead.”
  “Hey.” He quickly looked her over then pointed to the picture of Chicago. “I think that’s Ian’s because it’s not at his house anymore.”
  “Maybe Ashley took it from him and gave it to me.” She chuckled, grabbing her purse.

Approaching the laptop on the table, he asked, “Isn’t this Ian’s?”

  “Geez, Tony, why does everything have to be Ian’s? That’s Ashley’s. I’m not stealing from Ian, okay?” She laughed it off nervously.
  “I was thinkin’ maybe he was here.”
  “Here?” She feigned confusion. “Why would he be? Am I in trouble?”
  “No! What?” He was buying into her lies and felt guilty making her worry. “No, I mean like hangin’ out or something.”
Laughing again, she indifferently shrugged and said, “He’s more my boss than friend anymore. Ready?”
  “Yep. Good choice.” He looked her dress over again. As he buckled, he looked at her in the rearview mirror. “Your client was pissed he couldn’t pick you up.” He smirked. “So we’re meeting him at the restaurant and if you decide to see him after dinner I’ll take you to the marina for a planned walk.”
  “Why couldn’t he just pick me up?”
  “Ian doesn’t want the clients to know where the girls live.”

Agreeing that was probably a bad idea, she didn’t argue.

The hostess escorted her to the table where Justin was waiting and when her eyes locked on him her stomach twisted in a nervous flutter she shouldn’t have been feeling. Standing with a smile, he leaned into her and kissed her cheek. Ian said no kissing. Not that she minded the refined kiss, but if he made her feel anything like he did the night of the club, she wouldn’t get past dinner.
Pulling her chair out, he politely complimented her. “You look incredible.”
  “Thank you.” She returned a polite smile and put her clutch in her lap, watching him sit.

  “I wanted to pick you up.” He was clearly annoyed he couldn’t.
The smile that turned up her plump, red lips was genuine. “You just want to know where I live.”

He let out a laugh. “I just figured our first date.” He shrugged. “You have to have a driver drop you, it doesn’t look good on me.”
  “I think it looks good on you—”
  “I know what would look good on me,” he muttered, putting his napkin in his lap.