Depths (20 page)

Second time tonight that this guy has been the
source of an argument.

His words seemed far away as he spoke. We always
made up the same night, or at most the next day. A constant,
never-ending cycle of torment. Neither one of us wanted to let go
though because neither of us knew anything else but each other. She
knew all my imperfections and I knew hers. The only problem was
instead of accepting those imperfections, we just grew accustomed
to them and threw them in each others faces when we eventually got
tired of them. We would apologize later and then start the cycle
again. But that was what we knew.

I couldn't help wanting to get to know her more and
more whereas she seemed only comfortable with the half truths and
limited bits of information she would share. The more I asked and
pried the angrier she would get.

“
Hello? I said, are we done here
yet?
”

“
I heard what you said
Charles
.
”

I could either apologize and back off, or keep
going. Unfortunately I wasn't very good at backing off.

“
As a matter of fact, yes I do.
It's not like you tell me anything on your own accord. It feels
like you're on another planet half the time. I have to pry it out
of you just to find out how your day was. You don't tell me a
fucking thing so yes, I do have the right to ask any
goddamn
question I feel
like.
”

Charles got up without saying a word and left the
diner. I was left alone, stewing in guilt, shame, and anger. I had
bared everything to him and all I wanted was the smallest bit of
understanding.

And he gave none.

H
e gave
none
, and to complement the guilt trip, he also left me with the
bill.

Prick.

Something happened inside of me. Something I hadn't
felt in a long time.

Anger.

And it felt good. Pure, unadulterated anger. Raw,
unrefined, pure.

Not about the check that he left me with.

Not about the things I had seen Charles do
throughout my little trip down memory lane.

Not towards her.

Not about being trapped inside of a room with the
Voice In My Head.

None of that.

But towards myself.

I realized in that moment that I
had spent far too long trying to
“
keep the
peace
”
at the expense of myself. Refusing
to say what I needed to say. The fact that I felt like I needed to
go through Charles in order to see her again made me feel pathetic.
Settling for an unsatisfying bullshit job simply because that's
what I could do. And who steals a fucking copy machine? Being stuck
inside of my own fragile beliefs that The Voice has showed to me to
be all wrong, made me feel lost and insignificant and belligerently
unknowing. The claustrophobic feeling I had from being trapped in
this room was making my skin itch and crawl and I needed to get
out.

And the fucking bastard Voice in My Head kept
staring at me from across the room with his goddamn smirk. I wanted
to rip it off his face.

And somehow, the knowledge of my own worthlessness
seemed to enlighten me and it created this feeling of anger.

And I liked it.

I could feel my blood pumping, the veins in my arms
swelled, my head pulsed and I just wanted OUT. I saw what The Voice
had been trying to do all along, he was giving me a scapegoat.
Someone to direct my anger at, an outlet for me. He had been trying
to help me this whole time and I just wouldn't accept it.

I felt weak and powerless at my new insight but also
invigorated. Excited even.

The room around me pulsed on beat with my heart.
Racing and pulsing so fast it made me dizzy. Even the furniture
seemed to throb with the room. The chair The Voice In My Head was
perched upon seemed to sway and rock but he was apparently
oblivious to it. He just sat there watching me, eyes gleaming. He
obviously knew what I was thinking and he was delighted with it.
After all this time I finally understood him.

I felt a new found strength. I
pushed myself up from the floor and the room became still. The
pulsing had stopped. I couldn't even remember what I was so worried
about a couple hours ago. Or was it days? How long had I been in
this
room?

It didn't matter now, I was back in my own house.
The Voice In My Head was nowhere to be seen. Everything looked...
Normal.

But things weren
’
t normal, there was no way I
could believe that. The Voice was leading me to a solution this
whole time.

Charles
…

A fresh wave of anger surged through me just
thinking of his name.

Charles
…

Charles needed to die.

A plate whizzed past my head and shattered into the
living room wall behind me. There was already a vase in her hand
ready to throw, water splashed everywhere as she drew her arm back
and took aim with one arm, while trying to get her pants back up
with the other.

I got my arms up just in time to prevent a dead-on
shot to the face. The vase crashed into my forearms and shards of
blue ceramic glanced off my cheek, while the rest of the water left
in the vase showered me.

“
Jesus fucking Christ! What the
fuck is the matter with you?!
”

The physical pain hurt, but the way she was treating
me was worse.

“
Get out get out!
”
She screamed. Tears of rage streamed down her
face as she looked wildly about for more objects to throw. I could
already feel the bruises on my arms.

“
I am not leaving. We are going to
talk.
”

I ducked just in time to dodge the
picture frame with her and Charles at an amusement park. I darted
up to her before she had the chance to hurl anything else towards
me and grabbed her by the wrists
—
tightly.

“
Will you stop throwing shit at me
and sit down and talk to me?
”

I threw her onto her sofa and straddled her, pinning
her down on her back. She struggled and thrashed, and tried to
scream but I covered her mouth with my hand.

“
Look, listen to me OK? Listen and
calm down and I'll let you go. You know I'd never hurt you, even if
you are throwing plates at me.
”

Her eyes widened and she stopped flailing around.
Her body loosened up and relaxed.

“
Alright, I'm going to let you go
OK?
”

She sniffled and nodded her head and I released my
hold on her arms.

“
Don't you think you're
overreacting a bit? Come on, I know you liked it too,
”
I said with a grin.

Her fist collided with my jaw and knocked me off the
top of her. She picked herself up and tried to start running, but I
latched onto her ankle and tripped her.

The phone rang and she crashed to the floor,
knocking over the corner table with the little knick-knacks and
coasters. She tried to scamper away but I held on tight and dragged
her back. I climbed back on top of her and clamped my legs around
hers.

RINGRINGRINGRINGRING!

She tried to scream again but a swift blow from my
fist silenced her. Her dazed eyes rolled in their sockets and a
dribble of blood leaked from her mouth. I snatched one of the throw
pillows from her couch and pushed it down on her face.

RINGRINGRING!

Realizing she
couldn
’
t breathe
made her start struggling again. Her nails dug into my hands,
drawing blood. I pressed harder and harder on the pillow, even
throwing my upper torso on top of it to trap her talon-like
nails.

RINGRINGRINGRINGRING!

One of them cracked and broke off, lodging itself
into my flesh.

“
You bitch!
”

I pushed down harder, I could feel her nose through
the pillow. I put my full body weight on it and a satisfying
crunch, followed by a yelp, let me know I had broken it.

BEEP!

“
Hey honey it
’
s Dad. Just calling to see how
you're doin'. I was wondering what night you'd be free for dinner,
I miss you. Gimme a call back, I love you!
”

God I hated that guy. Charles fucking Green. He was
just too... Nice. And it bothered me for some reason.

I realized the movies have it all wrong; it takes
far more time to smother someone with a pillow to make them just
lose consciousness, let alone kill them.

It felt like an hour had passed but it really only
had been maybe a couple minutes or so before her body finally went
limp. Winded, I rolled off of her with the pillow and lay there
beside her for a few seconds. She looked absolutely ravishing lying
there like that, disheveled with her hair all messed up.

Beautiful.

I put my index finger to her pulse
and felt that it was still throbbing, faintly. I wasn't sure how
long she would be passed out for so I got up and hurried into the
kitchen. She had a
“
junk
”
drawer that she kept a bunch of miscellaneous
items in, one of which was Duct Tape.

I rolled her over onto her stomach
and taped her wrists together nice and tight behind her back,
followed by her ankles. I even checked to make sure she
wouldn
’
t be able
to reach and get to the tape. Nice and secure. I tore one last
strip off and placed it over her mouth and returned the tape to
the
“
junk
”
drawer.

By the time I returned, her eyelids were starting to
flutter open. I stood over her for a moment admiring her
astonishing beauty. Her eyes bolted open as I picked her up and
flung her over my shoulder. She squirmed and wriggled about like a
worm but I held onto her tight, and walked out the front door.

When I got to my car I reached
into my pocket with my free hand and pulled out the keys to unlock
the passenger door. I turned the lock, but right as I did, she
lurched off my shoulder and hit the pavement with a thud and a
crack, some bone breaking. Perhaps her collar bone. I heard her
whimper a bit followed by a muffled cry, and I turned to find her
trying to scrunch her body up and extend it away from me down the
driveway, almost like a caterpillar. I got the car
door opened and grabbed her by the
ankles to drag her back. I pulled, scraping her up something
fierce
, and she fought me when I tried to
shove her into the seat but I managed to get her in and shut the
door.

I got in the car and clicked my seat belt.

“
Buckle up for safety hun,
”
I said as I reached across her and clicked her
own seat belt. It was an odd mix of anxiety, confusion and worry
that spread across her face. I couldn't tell which was more
dominant. She looked tired but it could just be the bruises under
her eyes from her broken nose.

I put the car in reverse and backed out of the
driveway and started driving down Sunny Lane, never did like the
street. Too many willow trees canopied the road. Stupid name for a
street like this.

“
We're just going to my house,
nothing to worry about.
”

I stroked her hair to calm her down but she flinched
away from me.

“
Just relax,
”
I told her and gave her a playful flick on the forehead. She
strained against her bindings, but I had put so much tape on her
that I would have trusted it to hold my entire car
together.

The streets and scenery passed by
me in a blur. How could I pay attention to what
’
s around me with a goddess like her next to me? But even
still, I had to be careful. Other people wouldn
’
t understand what was going on between us.

“
I know you liked it as much as I
did. We had both been waiting so long, I just had to do something
about it. I know you understand, you
’
ve always understood
me.
”

Fresh tears of joy sprang from her eyes. I wondered
if she could read my mind. She couldn't seem to keep still. She
must be excited for what's to come.

“
Isn't it great though? To finally
release all of that passion that had been building up? God... I
held it in for so long. Too long, too many years. I know it must
have pained you just as bad if not worse. But we don't have to hold
back anymore. Doesn't it feel great!?
”

My voice reached a fevered
excitement as I continued,
“
I say we get
out of this place. You and I never really cared for this town too
much. I say we move into the city. And the first thing I want to do
is take you somewhere nice. You know, one of those fancy
restaurants, we can get all dressed up and everything.
”

Such bliss it would be... I couldn't wipe the smile
off my face.

Her body was wracked with shivers as she wept,
unable like myself to hide the happiness. Poor thing must be
cold.

There was only one more intersection before Memoir
Drive and I caught a glimpse of a headlight on the right side of my
car, just behind me, while the light ahead of me was turning
yellow. I wouldn't want to cause them any alarm, they really
wouldn't understand what was going on here.

“
Here, let me turn the heater on.
You look cold.
”

I reached down and flicked the heater on as I merged
into the left lane. Damn thing always got stuck at 75 degrees, and
after the car sitting out in the cold for so long, the heater blew
only cold air.