He got up after the weather report. I still have some work to do, he said.
His wife looked up from her needlework and smiled at him. He saw the flawlessness of her blond beauty and wondered if he was going to lose her. If he was going to lose everything. If he was going to lose his life.
Dont work too late, darling, she said.
He walked to his study, a large room. Against the walls hung the photographs, the certificates. His rise. His triumph. He opened his slender attaché case of real gray buffalo hide and took out a thin black notebook and a fountain pen. He made a list of names.
Mac McDonald, Carina Oberholzer, Jacques Coetzee.
Then he skipped a few lines and wrote the name
Hester Clarke
. He put the notebook on his desk and reached for the new Cape telephone guide next to the telephone. He paged to M. His finger moved quickly down the columns. It stopped at MacDonald Fisheries. He underlined the number, then wrote it down. Then he paged to O, looked for Carina Oberholzers number, and wrote that down. He had trouble with Jacques Coetzees number because there were a great many J. Coetzees and he didnt know the precise address. At Hester Clarkes name he left only a question mark. Then he took a bunch of keys out of the attaché case, walked to a corner in the study, unlocked the safe, and took out the big Star 9 mm pistol. He checked the safety catch and put the pistol, the notebook, and the pen into the case.
Oliver Nienaber stood quite still, with the attaché case in his hand, his head bent, his eyes closed. He seemed to be praying.
* * *
Joubert knew he wouldnt be able to read. The evening was hot and the southeaster made sad noises as it blew around the corners of the house. The front veranda faced north. There the wind was only audible in the trees. He sat down on the slate-tiled floor, his back against the wall, and lit a cigarette.
He wanted to laugh at himself.
Had he really thought he would be able to bury Lara?
Just because he had thought about the ripe body of an eighteen-year-old for a few days? Because he was consulting a psychologist?
It wasnt the first time that he had heard the sounds torn out of Benny Griessel.
He knew those sounds. He had made them himself. Not with his voice but in his head. In that hazy past when he still hated the pain and the humiliation. Before he had become addicted to it.
Tell your psychologist, he thought. Tell her youre as addicted to the darkness of your soul as Griessel is to the bottle. But there is a difference, Doctor. You can take Mat Joubert out of the dark, but you cant take the dark out of Mat Joubert. It had become part of his flesh, his body had grown around it as a tree will take a length of barbed wire into its trunk to have it forever scratching and tearing and causing the sap to bleed.
He heard Laras laugh again, the one he played over and over again on the tape recorder while he banged his head against the wall over and over again until the blood ran into his eyes.
Griessels pain tonight had been a blessing in disguise. It had brought Joubert to his senses.
He should have realized it the day before, when Hanna Nortier asked her last question. When hed realized that he would have to speak about Lara, when hed realized that he would not be able to tell the doctor everything.
He was Lara Jouberts captive. And the key to his cell was there, within reach, so invitingly within reach. Just tell the good doctor everything. The whole truth, nothing but the truth. Tell the doctor that part of Laras death which only he knew about and he knew he would be freed. Share that hour with Dr. Hanna Nortier and he could shake off the burden, tear the dark curtain.
It was half past twelve when he had reached the tape recorder, down in the cellar, and pressed the button to turn the cassette. With the earphones illegally on his head, hed looked round to check whether anyone could see him, certain of his right to break the law in this way. Press the button. Unsuspecting. In the execution of his duty.
PLAY.
He wouldnt be able to tell Hanna Nortier.
Joubert leaned his head against the wall and shot the cigarette into the dark.
He couldnt even tell it to himself, he thought. How many times hadnt he tried to look at it anew. To look for excuses, mitigation, a way out. To consider other interpretations.
But nothing would work.
He had burned the cassette. But the voices were still on tape. In his head. And he could no longer press the PLAY button. Not even for himself. It was too fucking painful.
He leaned sideways to get his hand into his trouser pocket, took out his cigarettes, lit another one.
Come on, Dr. Hanna, he thought. Could you really sweep up the debris of a human being and fit it together, apply the wonder glue, and say that he was whole again? The cracks would be visible forever, so that only the lightest touch would be enough to shatter the whole into fragments once more.
What was the use of that, Doctor?
Tell me, Doctor, why shouldnt I put the cool maw of my service pistol into my mouth and blow the last copy of the tape, together with all the ghosts collected up there, into eternity?
* * *
Carina Oberholzer sat at her dressing table, writing.
She wrote as the tears ran down her cheeks and dripped onto the blue notepaper.
Carina Oberholzer didnt write why the Mauser murderer was busy sending people into eternity with one pull of the trigger. She didnt want to. She couldnt. All that her mind allowed her was to write
We deserve it.
And then she wrote that they musnt stop the murderer. And that they mustnt punish the murderer.
She wrote down a name and surname with a shaking hand, but it was quite legible.
She added the words
Mama, forgive me,
although her father was still living, and signed the letter:
Carrie.
Then she put the pen down next to the paper and walked to the window. She opened it wide, lifted her foot and put it on the sill. She hoisted herself up into the frame, balanced briefly, and then she fell.
She fell soundlessly, except for the fabric of her skirt, which fluttered softly in the wind, like a flag.
Later, when the wail of a siren sounded above the citys roar, the wind shifted. It blew gently through the open window on the thirteenth floor and like an invisible hand picked up the single sheet of blue notepaper and let it slip down the thin dark space between dressing table and wall.
* * *
Joubert sat on his front stoop and looked up at the pale stars that glimmered above the suburban sky and didnt know how to react to his newly found insight.
Yet he knew something had changed.
A week or two, a month, a year ago the concept of a pistol in his mouth had been so logical. Not a yearning, only a logical way out that would have to be used like a tool for a specific task. Now, when he thought about the moment of truth, when the hand had to pick up the gun and the lips had to open and the finger had to contract, Mat Joubert still wanted to live for a while.
And he briefly considered the reasons why things had changed. The Triumph of the Great Erection? The many aspects of Hanna Nortier?
But then his thoughts wandered.
He was going to be a cripple, he thought. The poor mans Ferdy Ferreira. He would have to take Lara Joubert with him if he couldnt tell Hanna Nortier everything. He would have to drag the load of pain with him for the rest of his life.
Could he do it?
Perhaps.
He got up off the stoops cold floor, stretched his arms, and felt the muscles of his back and his shoulders, the vague, pleasurable lassitude of muscles that had been exercised in a swimming pool.
Perhaps, he thought.
He turned, walked into the house, locked the door behind him, and walked to the spare bedroom, looking for something to read. The paperbacks lay in an untidy heap.
He would have to put up bookcases, he thought, and stood in the doorway for a moment, staring, contemplating. He was aware of an urge to set the books in order, to arrange them according to authors, each one neatly in its allotted space.
He walked into the room, went down on his knees next to the pile and picked up the top one.
21.
D
r. Hanna Nortier lay on a sofa. He sat next to her on a chair. He stroked her colorless hair with soft, mechanical movements. His heart was filled with love and pity for her. He spoke to her. He emptied his heart. The tears poured down his cheeks. His hand shifted to her breast, small and soft as a bird, his fingers kneaded the tissue carefully under the material. He looked at her. He saw that she was pale. He realized that she was dead. But why was he hearing shrill sounds emanating from her? The alarm. He opened his eyes. The green figures of the instrument said 6:30.
He got up immediately and drove to the swimming pool. He swam seven purposeful lengths before he needed to rest. When he felt better he did two more lengths, slowly.
* * *
Joubert bought a newspaper when he stopped for a packet of Special Milds mainly because of the front-page headlines. TELLER LIVES IN FEAR OF MAUSER the biggest one read. And a smaller subheading: IS SWEETHEART ROBBER THE SERIAL KILLER?
He read the reports in the car in front of the café. The main news was the bank robbers reference made to Rosa Wasserman, but there were also other, smaller reports about the crimes. In one the reporter, using dates, tried to trace a connection between the murders and the bank robberies. In another he quoted a Dr. A. L. Boshoff, well-known Cape criminologist and lecturer in criminology at the University of Stellenbosch, on the psyche of the serial killer.
Joubert finished reading and folded the newspaper. His mouth thinned. He had never worked on a case that had engendered so much ongoing publicity. There had been the kidnapping of a deputy ministers child in 89. The case was solved within hours but the press had had a two-day orgy. And the axe murderer of Mitchells Plain in 86. The newspapers wrote for weeks. But chiefly on the inside pages because the victims were not white.
He switched on the engine and drove to Bellville, to the big hardware shop on Durban Road.
Why did he find the reporters copy about the dates and the similarities between the crimes so unacceptable? Was it simply a premonition, an opinion honed by experience?
No. It was the differences that the reporter had ignored. The bank robber was an exhibitionist. He played for the audience with his dramatic disguises and showy dialogue, the pet name and the questions about perfume. The bank robber was a coward who kept his gun hidden under his coat and relied on the fear of women.
The Mauser murderer was cool and clinical.
It couldnt be the same man.
Or could it?
He was annoyed by his own indecisiveness. Fighting crime is like playing golf, Matty, Blackie Swart had said once. Just as soon as you think youve got it made, it sideswipes you again.
He had made a casual drawing for his bookcase the previous evening. He explained briefly to the salesman what he was looking for. The salesman was enthusiastic. He showed Joubert the various kinds of do-it-yourself bookcase kits on the market. Some sets were packed in such a way that the buyer could assemble it in five minutes without drilling a single hole, sawing one plank, or hammering in one nail.
Joubert wanted to do more with his hands. He had developed a certain dedication to the task since the previous evening. He wanted to smell sawdust and use the electric drill that had been gathering dust in the garage for almost three years. He wanted to sweat and measure and fit and make pencil marks on the wall and on the wood.
He and the salesman decided on a more primitive design. Long metal strips had to be screwed to the wall vertically. Metal struts hooked horizontally onto the strips. The wooden shelves, which Joubert would have to measure and saw, rested on the supports.
He bought bits for the drill and screws and plastic anchors to help the screws hold in the plastered walls. Sandpaper, varnish, paintbrushes, a new tape measure, and a three-point plug completed his purchases because he couldnt remember whether the electric drill still had a plug.
He paid by check and did a quick sum in his head to see how much hed saved by not buying one of the luxury do-it-yourself models. Two black men helped him carry the stuff to his car. He tipped them five rand each. Some of the planks and the metal strips were too long for the interior of the car or the trunk. He let them stick out the window.
He drove to the Bellville Market to replenish his stock of fruit and vegetables and ate an apple as he drove home.
When he arrived Emily was already doing the laundry. He went to say hello to her, and asked after her children in the Transkei and her husband in Soweto. He told her the spare bedroom would soon be a very tidy room. She shook her head in disbelief.
